


This Could Be Trouble

by armlessphelan



Category: FFIX, Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy IX, Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AU, Action, Adventure, Deconstruction, Gen, M/M, Massive Crossover, POV First Person, Self Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-24
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2017-11-26 18:28:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 118,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/653145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/armlessphelan/pseuds/armlessphelan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever wonder what would happen if that stereotypical self-insert were a flamboyant young man with no discernible skills or purpose? And even though he had a crush on the lead character, it would never work out because of incompatible orientations? Oh, and everyone seems just a bit off, but nobody can quite place why? Then this might be the story for you.</p><p>Meet Rick, a vain, bratty teenage boy who wakes up in Gaia and decides he wants to help save the world, even though he really, really shouldn't. And, in fact, his very existence may be a result of the world getting ready to end. And no matter what Rick does, he only makes things worse. And boy, does it get worse.</p><p>Not to mention, Rick isn't the only one who has come to Gaia under mysterious circumstances, and he won't be the last. The only thing that is certain is that despite his every effort, Rick will never be the hero. In fact, he may just end up being the villain if he isn't careful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tabansi232](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=tabansi232).



"Richard, wake up!" a man with a deep voice all but shouts in my ear. For a brief moment, I think it's my dad and respond with all of the disrespect I can muster. I mean, really, there's no need to be this rude.

"I told you, it's Rick. Richard is for old people, and if you even think about calling me Ricky I'll rip your head off," I say as I try to blink away the crud that has gathered in the corners of my eyes. Yeah, niceness isn't one of my better qualities. "Besides, I'm right here. You didn't need to yell."

There is the sharp intake of breath before the idiot starts yelling again. I'm so going to spit in his coffee. "You are giving me orders! I never should've let you join the Knights of Pluto, you slacker!"

Finally, I open my eyes all the way to get the face of a man who definitely isn't my father in my vision. He's not a looker, but he definitely isn't hideous either. It takes a second, but I start to recognize his features. The guy looks like Steiner from FFIX, but he can't be. Then I remember he said something about the Knights of Pluto. Where am I, some kind of video game convention? Then why is he yelling at me?

I look down at myself and cringe. My totally awesome sweater is gone and replaced with this incredibly ugly armour. As soon as I can, I'm getting rid of it. Then my eyes travel along my arms and I see leather gloves on my hands. It's impossible. I never wear leather, faux leather, yes, but never the real thing. Cows shouldn't have to die just so I can look good. Then again, with this outfit nobody could. Why couldn't the idiot who brought me to this convention have picked out a better costume? Hey, wait, how did I even get here?

"Get up! We have to find the princess!" Mr. Looks-like-Steiner yells as he jumps up and down. It makes his armour clink, and I notice that it's rusty. Not all over, mind you. Just in small patches here and there. Either this guy is too poor to afford a good costume, or he actually is Steiner. But if that's the case, then I really am in FFIX. I really don't to fight things and run across the world after a crazy, but well dressed, maniac.

"OK, I'll look for the princess," I say as I stand up. This armour is really heavy, and I hear a scraping sound as soon as I stand up. I look at my side and see a sword in a sheath hanging there. Then I look around and see the interior of a really nice place, with marble floors and chandeliers. I'm actually standing on a set of stairs, which is covered with an incredibly soft rug. I turned around in marvel and then blanch. Behind me, on a landing where two staircases meet and form one, is a picture of the ugliest woman I've ever seen. It's up on the wall so that everyone walking up the stairs sees it. It's in dark colours, kind of like sepia tone, and it's of this incredibly overweight woman with a horrible complexion holding a cat. I have seen this painting before, in the Alexandrian castle in my FFIX game. Okay, these convention weirdos are taking things a little too far.

"Don't just stand there!" Steiner guy yells before running down the stairs and into some room. If I remember, that's the library where Steiner goes off on Laudo. Wait, this isn't real. I'll just walk outside and see a parking lot filled with beetle cars and mopeds. Yeah, then I can hitch a ride home with one of these video game fanatics.

I step down the stairs slowly, trying not to fall from the weight of the armour. I really have to ditch this stuff soon. I hope that I have something on underneath this, because I would just hate to be naked in a giant tin can. Eww!

Anyway, when I reach the exit I clank on out the door to find, you guessed it, the Alexandrian harbour thing. You know, like a moat. There is no parking lot in sight. There's just some guy sitting by the water and looking up at the moon. I hear Steiner guy roaring so I run as fast as I can, which isn't that fast in this armour, and hide behind a bush. Well, if this really is Alexandria then that probably really is Steiner. How did I get here, then? And why in Dolly's name am I a member of the Knights of Pluto? I mean, if I'm going to get sucked into a video game, at least make my "character" somewhat respectable.

Steiner is yelling at the guy on the dock, so I start to take off my armour. It's really hard, since I don't even know how I got it on. After about five minutes, and almost getting seen by Steiner a few times, I finally pull the last piece of it off and breath a sigh of relief. I wasn't naked underneath, and the clothes, while nowhere near fabulous, were liveable. I had on ugly boots (no way around that, I guess), dirty brown pants a size too big and held up by a cord of rope, a white shirt with a hardly noticeable yellowish brown stain (I so hope that is from coffee) on it, and there's a chain mail suit over top of the white shirt. It's Middle Ages bumpkin chic!

Let's see, what do I do now? Well, if I'm correct and I'm somehow in the game, then Blank should be nearby dressed up as one of the Knights of Pluto. Maybe I can get some advice from him. Hey, it's worth a try.

When I round a corner of the larger-than-life castle, leaving behind my hideous armour and the sword, I see Blank has left his "post." Oh, I so hope that he hasn't joined Steiner on the Prima Vista yet. It would suck to be left here under Brahne's insane control. Plus, I really don't want to have to do the duties of a knight. I mean, it would just suck to have to put that armour back on and be bossed around by a woman of Brahne's girth. Eww, even thinking about her is enough to make my stomach turn over.

Hey, Blank left the gate open! Maybe I can sneak aboard Tantalus's airship and hitch a ride with them to Evil Forest.

I creep past the metal bars and find myself in a tower-like thing. Is it the same one Steiner's in? As I start up a set of winding stairs, I hope not. It would just suck to have him force me ride that rope thing with him and smash into the side of the airship.

After a few minutes, I reach the top with no breath in my lungs and no strength left in my legs. Maybe I should've actually participated in gym class back home. Oh well, I see a wooden door at the top and push it open to hear a muffled cry as someone slams into it.

"Ow!" a woman cries as I rush out the door and close it. I look down and see Princess Garnet, a.k.a. "Dagger," lying in front of me. She looks up, recognizing me, and her eyes grow wide. At first, I'm surprised by her reaction until I remember that I'm supposed to be one of Steiner's merry men or something like that. Then the princess, who is dressed in a tasteful pink, red, and white robe with the hood up, looks at me. "Richard, what are you doing here? Please, don't stop me. I have to go."

"It's Rick!" I shout at her and grab my hair. I really hate it when people call me Richard… hey, why is my hair flat? My hair is not supposed to be flat, because it just looks awful that way.

"Hey, who are you?" some guy yells as he rounds a corner and stops just behind Garnet. I would recognize Zidane anywhere. With his sleeveless shirt, longish hair, and tail. I always wondered what he used that tail for. I could think of a few things, but I can't say because children might be reading this.

"Oh, hello, Honey. I'm Rick," I say with a flourished bow. Zidane mouths "Honey?" and looks at me like I'm crazy. Garnet just laughs. Hmm, perhaps she's used to me. "I'm one of the Knights of Pluto, searching for the Princess here. Great robe, by the way, Your Majesty."

"Thank you, Rich… I mean, thank you, Rick," Garnet says when she sees the look on my face. She just smiles before realizing that she's supposed to be running from Zidane. Then her eyes get wide again. "Oh, I must depart!"

She climbs up on the side of the tower we're on and grabs one of the rope things with flags on it before jumping. Oh, pooh, I really don't want to this part.

Zidane runs to the wall and looks over the edge to see Garnet swinging over the heads of the nobles there to see the play. Gee, I had completely forgotten about the play. Anyway, the boy with the tail, who is only a year younger than me if I may add, jumps up onto the wall himself and grabs one of the flag-ridden ropes. Oh, I am not getting left behind. I climb up on the wall and, just as Zidane jumps off, I grab him from behind and hold on as tightly as I can.

He doesn't fight me, probably knowing that doing so would result in both of us falling into the oblivious crown below. I see Steiner swinging towards the ship out of the corner of my eye. Then I close my eyes and bury my face in Zidane's back. He smells really good. Soon enough, though, we spill onto the Prima Vista. Shortly after that, Garnet lands on us rather ungraciously. She begins running around in a panic, knocking over members of the orchestra whom we just happened to land in front of.

"Would you please get off of me?" Zidane asks angrily.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Honey," I say as I scramble off of him. The orchestra, having gathered themselves together, looks at us with humour in their eyes. Zidane, however, looks at me rather oddly before climbing to his feet and rushing in the direction that Garnet had gone.

I stand up and follow them. The adrenaline from the ride on Zidane from the castle to the airship is still running through my veins. As I push open the door the thief and the princess had through, I hear a woman with a Southern accent yelling.

"Oh my! Is that Ruby? THE Ruby?" I squeal as I run into the room and practically bowl the poor woman over. I've always loved Ruby, because she's just so fabulous. She reminds me so much of Scarlet O'Hara.

"Hey, Hun, what're ya doing?" she asks as she pushes me off. Her face is sour, but I'm still enamoured. "Get off, my scene's coming up!"

"I'm so sorry," I stutter in awe. "It's just that I'm such a big fan of yours! You're like Bernadette Peters with more sass and less flash!"

Obviously, she doesn't know who Bernadette Peters is (one of the greatest actresses in the history of stage and screen, just so you know), but Ruby soaks up the praise nonetheless.

"Why, thank you, Sugah," she says as she pats me on the back. Suddenly she's in a better mood. Then I remember that I'm supposed to follow Zidane and Garnet around. I don't know why. I just don't want to be left behind like Ruby.

"It was so absolutely wonderful to meet you!" I gush. "I have to go now, though."

I run away and crash through the door in time to see Zidane and Garnet following Cinna through another door. I can also hear Steiner yelling, and that's not a pleasant sound. I'm actually kind of scared.

"Through here!" Cinna yells as I burst into the small room. Garnet looks at me with fear that I'll prevent her from leaving, Zidane looks absolutely freaked out (heh heh…), and Cinna doesn't know how to react. I smile and wave at Garnet before speaking.

"You guys might want to hurry, Steiner's getting pretty close. I heard him bellowing a few seconds ago."

"Right…" Zidane said as he raises his eyebrow and jumps through a large hole in the floor. Cinna and Garnet follow him and, as an after thought, I jump through the hole, too. I really don't want to face Steiner's wrath on my own.

"Ow!" I cry out after landing on my behind. It's really sore, and everyone just looks at me oddly. Hey, you try doing this with no idea of what to do!

Well, next to me is a giant engine and I walk over to it. It looks like those old steam engines, but I know that it actually runs on Mist. Hmm, if the video game is correct and I turn this wheel thing here… No, better not risk it. I'll just follow the others. Better to not have the Tantalus guys think I'm a total retard than have them think I am one.

We rush through another door and into a room with a pole in the centre. Well, if I know poles, there're only two things you can do with them. One is to slide down it, and the other is to dance around it. I sincerely hope Steiner does the former, because I would hate to have to pull out my eyes.

As I, but no one else, expected, Steiner comes sliding down the pole. Then another knight, Blank in costume, appears in the doorway behind us.

"Richard, stop these fools!" Steiner commands me. Everyone looks at me, and I can feel myself growing red out of anger and embarrassment.

"It's Rick!" I shout angrily. Then I catch hold of myself and manage to tell him: "And, umm, no?"

He looks really ticked off now. As if running around after Garnet and Zidane wasn't bad enough, his knights are disobeying his orders. Steiner draws his sword and points it at me. I make a high-pitched squeaking noise and duck behind Zidane, putting my hands on his shoulders and pushing him forward. Hey, better he dies than me. Besides, I know that Cinna, Blank, and he will beat Steiner anyway.

Zidane pulls out a couple of daggers and starts slashing at Steiner while Cinna wails away with his hammer and Blank, in his stolen armour, trots up and fights Steiner with his buddies. Garnet looks over at me and I shrug, which starts her to giggling again.

"Fools, you cannot beat me!" Steiner yells as his swords lights up and a blue ray of light hits Blank. Blanks armour falls off and all of these yellow bugs, they're kind of like a cross between a frog and cockroach, start jumping all over the room.

"Oglops!" I shriek, as does Cinna, Blank, and Steiner. As those three run around, Zidane grabs Garnet by the hand and pulls her into another room. Not wanting to stay with the bugs, I follow.

"Get on number two!" Cinna shouts as he follows behind me and closes the door. Zidane and Garnet jump on a circular contraption and Cinna starts pulling all of these levers. The platform that Zidane and Garnet are on rises just as Steiner breaks through the door. Cinna throws himself in Steiner's way to buy Zidane and Garnet some time. I, not wanting to give Steiner the opportunity to give me the retribution I deserve, clamber onto a platform of my own. Just before it starts rising, Steiner jumps on it and glares at me with bloodlust in his eyes.

Then we end up on the stage and everyone stares at us. "My daughter, Princess Cornelia, shall marry none other than this man, Prince Schneider," a large man, with a pig snout dressed in a costume meant to indicate he was royalty, says. He gestures in the direction of Steiner and I.

"M-m-marry the p-princess? M-me?" Steiner stutters in confusion. However, having played the game I know what's going to happen. I decide to have a little fun with it, though.

"No, he means me," I say as I stand up and strut over to Garnet. I take her into my arms and look her over as the audience gasps in surprise. Then I kiss her. Oh, the things I do for the theatre… When Garnet starts to respond to the kiss I pull away and look around. Baku, the guy that had pointed at Steiner and I, has a look of shock on his face for a moment, and then recovers. Then I look to Zidane, who is wearing a face of annoyance. With a grin, I turn to him. "Oh, I'm sorry, Honey. I didn't mean to leave you out."

I walk over to a very surprised Zidane and plant one on his lips, too. The audience, thinking it's a gag, bursts out in laughter. Slowly, I back away from Zidane, who looks absolutely murderous. Hee, I made him mad!

Then I turn and look at the reactions of everyone else. With the exceptions of a still stage-struck Steiner, everyone looks like they're holding back laughter. I smile brightly and bound to Garnet's side. She's really trying hard to keep from breaking out into a fit of giggles.

The members of Tantalus quickly recover from the shock and go into professional mode before the laughter of the audience dies down.

"Now is my revenge! For my parents and my love Cornelia," a man in a blue shirt and salmon-coloured bandana shouts as he pulls out his sword and aims it at Baku. My, I know the guy is Marcus, but he's still a really good actor. "I shall cut thee down!"

Marcus stabs at Baku, but Garnet leaves my side and throws herself in front of the sword. It looks like it goes through her, but I see that the blade is actually between her arm and her side. Marcus pulls it out and looks absolutely horrified. I turn to regard Steiner, who is absolutely freaking out.

"Marcus," Garnet says in a stage whisper. "Forgive me and my father. I still love him…"

"Cornelia!" Baku cries as he falls at her side.

"Princess!" Steiner screams as he crashes to his knees.

"Forgive my selfishness, Father. Forgive my beloved Marcus," Garnet says before pretending to die.

I don't hear what Marcus says because of the roar of the crowd at Garnet/Cornelia's death, but I do see him "stab" himself with his own sword.

The audience then bursts into applause and starts throwing flowers and Gil onto the stage. I scoop up some of the money before catching a rose. Then, with rose in hand, I walk to Zidane and hand him the plant. "Here, Honey, it's my thanks for the kiss."

The look on his face is priceless. It may be fun to torture him throughout the game. Yes, I'm finally convinced that I'm living FFIX, though I'm unsure as to whether it's a dream or something else.

"Get back here!" some guy yells and I see a little kid with no face, just black with big yellow eyes underneath a brown hat that looks like it was made out of hay or something. It's very cornpone, if you ask me. He looks even more out of place than I feel. I know the little guy is Vivi, and I feel sorry for him.

He jumps over Garnet's still prone form, you'd think she'd have gotten up by now, and warns whoever was chasing him to stay away. Then he blasts off a Fire spell, but it falls short of the two Knights of Pluto and hits Garnet. She jumps up in shock and throws the robe away, causing the audience to gasp again. The princess of Alexandria, in a hideous pair of orange overalls and a puffy shirt that reminds me of Seinfeld, is standing there.

Steiner seems to finally get a hold of himself, and starts shouting at the other two Knights of Pluto, Weimar and one I can't remember. The new arrivals look at me and then at each other. I back away from the ensuing battle in hopes that I don't get dragged into it.

"Richard!" Steiner yells at me. I'm getting tired of people calling me Richard. It's Rick, I tell you. Rick!

"I think you're wanted," Zidane says to me with a sneer. I look back to him, bat my eyes, and smile at him with my trademark fake sweetness. He obviously doesn't know how to respond, so he says nothing.

"Richard, get over here!" Steiner yells again. I ignore him and stand behind Vivi. The little black mage casts Fire and this time his spell hits its mark. Weimar cries in a voice louder than mine and runs away shouting something about a date. Then Marcus slashes his sword at the other knight, who yells something before running away as well. Steiner looks dumbstruck and yells at his backup to return, which they don't. Then he faces me and yells for me to join him one last time. "Richard, now!"

"No thanks," I call back merrily with a wave. Steiner looks shocked by my reaction, I don't know why, and doesn't think to block the first swipes from Zidane's daggers. He backs away, looking angry, and moves to swing at Zidane, but is intercepted by Marcus. Vivi then blasts Steiner with a Fire spell, which is followed up by more attacks from Zidane. Garnet, meanwhile, is healing everyone with her white magic. Well, except for Steiner. Four on one isn't very fair, but I'm not about to get involved. If I help Steiner, Tantalus will undoubtedly kick my little behind. If I help Tantalus, Steiner is likely to take it out on me later. Being caught in the middle sucks! And in case you've forgotten, I'm unarmed. I left my sword back at the entrance to the castle, and wouldn't know how to use it if I still had it.

Finally, Steiner falls with a shout. "Bah, it's only a flesh wound." Sure thing, Big Guy, and I'm a fan of Dolly Parton because I like country music.

The audience is booing by now, and I guess they figured out this isn't part of the show. Beneath me, the floor becomes unsteady as the airship lifts off. I hear a clicking noise and turn around to see these giant gun things being loaded with harpoons. I remember this scene, and scamper around for someplace to hide. I really don't want to be impaled like a fish or something.

The first one is launched and it hits the deck/stage near Vivi, who is thrown to the edge of the airship. I crawl over to him and pull the little guy close. I stay very near this harpoon, but not right beside it. I know it'll eventually come out, but they wouldn't be stupid enough to fire them that close to each other. At least, I hope they aren't.

Zidane and Garnet are right beside each other as the second one hit, and they're thrown to opposite sides of the airship from the force of the impact. I close my eyes and don't see where the third one hits, but I know it didn't hit near me because I'm still alive and I can feel Vivi squirming in my arms. I let the black mage go and open my eyes to see the Bomb get released. It is a fiery orange, a much better colour than Garnet's outfit, but the evil eyes and large, pointed teeth scare me.

"It's a bomb!" I scream and cover my head. I stand up and run as far away from it as I can. Marcus is close to where I'm going, so I cower behind him. He scoffs and ignores me as I try to keep down what I had eaten before waking up in the castle.

"I'll not fall for such an old trick!" Steiner yells back. My eyes wander to him and I see that he has his back to the monster.

As the others fight and shout warnings to him, Steiner insults them and laughs the warnings off. Meanwhile, the Bomb grows incredibly large, and I guess even Steiner can't ignore it anymore. He turns around and regards the behemoth with what I can only guess is a shocked look since I can't see him.

I close my eyes just before the Bomb explodes, but I can see the intensity of the light through my eyelids. A wave of heat washes over me. There's a tug on the airship as it starts drifting away again, breaking free of the harpoons. I open my eyes and see a tower fall off of the Prima Vista. It crashes into the roof of a nearby building, and I hope that the inhabitants were out watching the play and not inside. If they were home, they would probably be dead.

I watch as one by Vivi, Steiner, and Garnet fall off the ship after it goes over a waterfall and loses altitude. I don't see what happens to Zidane, but I know he's thrown off as well. Then the Prima Vista crashes into Evil Forest and I go flying into the air as well.


	2. Chapter 2

In the name of all things Prada, why did I have to land in a tree? There is no way down smoothly, because my side really hurts. Maybe I should've kept the armour. It would have absorbed some of the impact. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I suppose it's too late to whine about it now.

I ease down from one branch to another. Despite the pain in my side, I feel like I'm making pretty good progress. Then life has to go and be evil. As soon as I get both feet onto what I believe to be a stable branch, it breaks and I fall the rest of the way to ground. It's about ten feet, and it really hurts. I really, really wish I still had my armour. This chain mail shirt doesn't do anything at all to protect me.

Okay, it's night. That means that not only am I hurt and in a forest full of monsters that want to eat me, but I can't see. 

I was the last one to leave the Prima Vista, as far as I know, so I should be fairly close. Let's see: it's not to my left, my right, or directly in front of me. That leaves one place it could be. I turn around and see the hulking mass of the ruined airship. Yay! Now I won't have to fight a plant cage and drag an unconscious Steiner and Vivi back to the wreckage!

So I set off, holding my side. It's only a few hundred yards away, but that still leaves plenty of space for a Fang or one of those freaky plant things to attack me. Push it, Rick. Feel the burn. You can do it.

When I reach the halfway point of my "trek," a low growling noise reaches my ears. That can mean only one of two things: either I'm about to get attacked, or I'm now in a very kinky skin flick. I'm not sure which situation I would prefer, to be honest.

A Fang, which closely resembles a wolf, leaps out in front of me. What do I do? I'm unarmed, and as far as I know, I can't use magic. I look around for an option and see a thin stick lying nearby. It would break upon contact with the Fang, so I can't use it as a weapon. Hmm, there is another possibility.

"Here, puppy!" I call out as I pick up the stick and toss it into the underbrush. The monster looks almost insulted at my pitiful attempt to distract it. Okay, so fetch is out. I doubt it'll roll over and play dead, either. It approaches slowly, methodically. Wow, those teeth are really big and sharp. Um, maybe I can scare it away by acting really crazy. Yeah, that'll work. I'll just do something really stupid. I suck in a big breath and start belting out the chorus to Cher's song "Dark Lady." What? It's a good song.

Ah, not for the first time, Cher has saved my life. The Fang, obviously not impressed by my awesome talent, yelps and runs away. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm a little hurt. My voice isn't that bad; I won the part of the Scarecrow in my 3rd grade production of The Wizard of Oz.

I finally make it back to the remnants of the Prima Vista. Zidane's there, too, and he's dragging Steiner with Vivi on his shoulder. Nobody else seems to be around, and he notices I'm there. Crap, now I have to help lug Steiner or I'll be completely useless. Wait, I have an idea! "Hey, Honey! Do you need some help?"

"No, of course not," he says with a roll of his eyes. Then he becomes serious and pulls Steiner with a grunt. I feel sorry for the guy, but I know I won't be of much help.

"Here, give me the kid," I say as I lift the black mage from his shoulder. Even for a nine-year-old, the kid is pretty light. What I don't understand is the clothes in this place. In Alexandria, everything is puffy and gross like little Vivi's pants. Lindblum, if the outfits of Tantalus are any indication, is much more laidback. Maybe I'll find something decent to wear when we get there.

"Thanks so much. I'll be fine lugging this guy around by myself," Zidane grumbles. The guy really needs to lighten up.

"Well, good for you, Honey," I say as I hoist Vivi onto my shoulder. Then I pat Zidane on his back and trudge up to the crashed airship. I suppose I should help him more, but he did all right on his own in the game. Besides, the guy is a complete and total pig to Garnet throughout the first disk. I mean, he gropes her as they leave Dali, and then two-times her in Lindblum. If there's one thing I hate more than gym class and TBN, it's chauvinism. As I approach the wreckage of the airship, I call out to whoever is inside. "Hello, we're here! Could we get a little help please?"

These two guys who look like rhinos, Benero and Zenero, walk out with Cinna and take Steiner from Zidane. Then Mr. I-have-a-tail walks right by me without so much as a "thank you." Gee, someone sure is grumpy. Oh, right, he's worried about Garnet. I forgot about that.

"Hey, you with the kid, bring him here," Blank says. I shoulder Vivi and follow him through the ship and to the room that he was in during the game. It's still a mess in real life, if that's what you would call this thing that I'm experiencing. I set Vivi on the bed and follow Blank out of the room. The redhead turns to me and asks a question. "What happened to the kid?"

Should I tell him or let Zidane do it? I really don't want to have to think up an excuse as to how I know what's wrong with him when I'm not even supposed to know his name.

"I don't know, Sweetie," I coo. Then I reach up and run a hand through my hair, which is totally disgusting. It has mud and stuff in it, and it's going to take forever to clean. I don't even know if they have shampoo here. I don't remember seeing a bathroom anywhere during the game. "You'll have to ask Zidane, he brought them here. Vivi and Steiner, I mean."

"How do you know their names?" Blank asks as he eyes me suspiciously. Don't ask me how I know, because the guy has his eyes covered with a bandana. How does he not walk headlong into walls?

"Umm… I'm a Knight of Pluto, of course I would know the name of Captain Steiner," I say proudly. Nobody can think on his or her feet like me. In fact, I puff out my chest and try to look intimidating before bursting into giggles. I'm such a flake.

"And the kid?"

Oh pooh! How am I going to explain that one? Think, Rick, think! "There was a… moogle back in Alexandria. Its name was… uh… Kupo!" Good job, Rick. Vivi and Puck did meet Kupo in Alexandria, so Vivi will only confirm the story. I am so smart. No, I'm the smartest person in the world! And I'm also incredibly humble.

"What does a moogle have to do with this?" Blank asks. I definitely did not give this guy enough credit when I played the game. It's obvious now that he would be really smart; he makes the potion to get rid of the seeds that the boss plant thing put into Steiner and Vivi.

"Kupo just told me about some weird looking kid that was sneaking into the play, silly," I lie as I playfully slap Blank's shoulder. "He said that the kid's name was Vivi. That little guy matches the description perfectly. How else would I know?"

"Yeah, right," Blank says with a shrug, showing that he doesn't believe me. Ah, who cares? It's not like it really matters.

"So," I ask as I put my hands behind my back and kick at the floor. "What do you want me to do, Darling?"

"Not calling me 'Honey' would be a great start," Zidane says as he walks down a spiral staircase in the room. How did I not notice it? He looks really mad. Baku must've just told him that he couldn't go after the princess.

"Oh, you know you love it, Honey," I say sweetly as I jump up and twirl in the air before falling back to the floor. For some odd reason, I'm extremely happy even though I know Garnet's in the clutches of some crazed, overgrown dandelion. Maybe I'm understating the situation. Leave me alone.

"What's up?" Blank asks. He completely ignores me, something I don't like. I get mad and storm back into Vivi's room.

In the game, there's money in the bunk and something in the treasure chest in the corner. I kick the chest open and find ether. How do I know it is ether? It says so on the bottle. Ether is a red liquid in what looks like an eye drop bottle. You know, the squirting kind. The guy with the monotone voice does the commercials with the red eyes. Yeah, it's like that.

I rummage around in the floor and find things that aren't there in the game. There are only a couple of useful things. One is this plain band of rope that goes around my wrist. I imagine this to be what they call a "wrist" in the game. The other thing is a dagger. I'll make sure to give it to Zidane since I don't know how to use it.

There is some money in the bed, tucked away in a pillowcase. It's just over a hundred Gil. I don't know what I can buy with that, but I put it in my pocket with the Gil that I got after the play. After I jump down off the bed, Blank walks in and looks at me, then to the bed.

"What were you doing?" he asks, eyeing me in that eyeless way of his. I'll never understand how he does it.

"I was ransacking the place," I say with an eye roll. Blank just sighs and pulls a bottle of blue liquid out of his pocket.

"Zidane wants to see you," he says as he walks past me and sits beside the unconscious Vivi. "I have to give this potion to Vivi to remove the seeds from his system. Would you please go?"

"Sure thing, Sweetie," I say happily before bounding out of the room. Weird, my side doesn't hurt anymore. It must've been a scratch or something.

I wander around mindlessly until I run into Marcus just outside the room where they're keeping Steiner. I can hear his pitiful wails through the walls.

"Hey, you!" he says to me. "You're the guy who played Prince Schneider, aren't you?"

"Yes I am, Dear," I chirp. I've been cursed with giddiness my whole life. My parents just tell everyone it's a side effect of my allergy medication. I don't know why they say that, because I take over the counter stuff to keep from sneezing and getting watery eyes. Wait, will I still have allergies here? That bridge will be crossed when I come to it, I guess.

"Dear?" he says before shaking his head. A lot of people do that. They must not be used to my friendliness. "Whatever. Listen, good job with that. Cinna told me that you warned them about ole Rusty," he gestures to the band room where Steiner can be heard yelling to be released, "That he was coming. Thanks for your help. What's your name?"

"Rick," I say with a bow. "Call me Richard and die."

Marcus's right eyebrow shoots up, but he offers a hand. "Well, good job on the show. Maybe we'll have you join Tantalus after we get out of here."

"I'll think it over, Sweetie," I say as I shake his hand. After we break contact, he looks from his hand, to mine, and then back to his. He shrugs and walks away. Then I remember I have to find Zidane and call out to Marcus. "Oh, wait!"

"Yeah?" he says as he turns back to look at me.

"Where's Zidane? I heard he's looking for me," I tell him.

"Last time I saw him, he was getting ready to fight the Boss."

"Why?" I ask even though I know the answer. He wants to go after Garnet.

"He's going after the princess," Marcus says with a laugh before leaving. "He should be around here somewhere duking it out with the Boss."

Why does this leave me with a bad feeling in my gut? In the game, Zidane kicks Baku to the curb. Well, Baku throws the fight. Now I'm not so confident. Baku could wipe the floor with Zidane. Then we'd never go after Garnet and she would die. Who knows what could happen from there?

The Prima Vista is big. Maybe I should've realized that when I was chasing Zidane and Garnet around, but for some reason it escaped my attention. I see members of the orchestra here and there, some wounded and other tending to their fallen comrades. Tantalus must be like a family. There's no way people in my world would take care of each other unless they were family, paying for it, or there was some kind of disaster. Oh, right, this is an airship crash. I am so stupid.

"Have you seen Zidane?" I ask one of the band members. I didn't notice it in the game, but these guys are very ghoulish in appearance. There skin is a pale green and they have sunken eyes. That could just be from exhaustion, but I seriously doubt it. One of them points me to a door I hadn't noticed before. Well, no matter how odd they look, they sure are helpful. To show how grateful I am, I do something horribly un-American: I thank him. "You're such a dear. Thank you."

I push open the door to see Baku laugh and clap Zidane on the shoulder. Ooh, I know what's coming. There it is, the fist in the gut. Ouch. I'd better go see if the hero is okay. Things just wouldn't be the same without him. There would be no way to get to Terra, for starters. Crap. I forgot all about Kuja and Garland.

"Hey, Honey, are you okay?" I ask as I pass Baku and kneel next to the doubled over Zidane. As he looks over at yours truly, I put a hand on his shoulder. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yeah," he huffs as he stands up and watches Baku leave. It's pretty obvious he's still feeling the effects of the surprise blow. "I'm going after Garnet. I want you, that other knight, and the black mage to come with me."

Me? He wants me to go with him? I seriously wonder why. My actions during the fight with Steiner were far from admirable.

"Sure thing, Honey," I say with a grin as I too stand up. It shocks me to learn that I'm about an inch or two taller than Zidane. I've always been one of the shorter guys in my class at school, and suddenly I'm tempted to inquire as to the weather down there. "What do you want me to do?"

Zidane scratches his behind, which is so not a flattering move, and walks ahead of me. He pushes open the door and looks back in my direction. "You're a little weird, but you're also a knight. I want you to help me find her."

Great. This is just wonderful. There's never been anything more fun than walking through a forest full of things that want to kill you. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. I so do not want to do this. My clothes will get all muddy and torn. Yet, I don't want to stay here with Tantalus. Something tells me that I'd be safer fighting against crazed rhododendrons and the Black Waltzes than traveling with Baku and his merry band of thieves.

"Ooh, I'd love to!" I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. That isn't much. I walk up to him and he speaks again.

"Great. You go get that knight, and I'll see if I can get the black mage to come with us," Zidane says happily as he claps me on the back. Being the klutz that I am, I fall face first under the gesture. He looks down at me and shrugs before offering a hand to help me to my feet. Perhaps he's not the jerk I thought he was. Then again, he's leaving me to deal with an angry and distraught Steiner.

"Thanks, Honey," I say before walking through the open door. I pass the band members with Zidane by my side, which draws a few curious glances. Then we reach a set of doors. Zidane points to the one on the left before going through the one on the right. I guess that's supposed to be the way to Steiner.

As I enter the next room, I see Blank leaning against the door that leads to the band room. He notices me, and gestures for me to come closer. He holds out another bottle of that blue liquid he had in Vivi's room. I assume that's the potion that removes the seeds.

"So I hear you and Zidane are going after that princess chick," he says nonchalantly. I nod in agreement. Then he hands me the potion, which I take. "Are you taking Rusty with you?"

Who's Rusty? Oh, right, that's Steiner. It completely escaped my mind that "Rusty" becomes the name Tantalus has for the oblivious knight. How did Steiner come to be in control of the Knights of Pluto, anyway? I mean, they're not the best of the Alexandrian troops. Sure, they redeem themselves after Bahamut all but destroys the city, but that doesn't explain how an inept leader like Steiner comes into power. The guy made me a member, and I don't even know how to use a sword. Of course, I just woke up in the game, but… Aargh, I'm just confusing myself.

"Hello? Anybody home?" Blank asks as he waves a hand in my face. When my eyes focus, he jerks his thumb back at the band room. "Are you taking this big baby with you or not?"

"Yeah, he's coming with us," I say with a nod. Blank pulls a key out of his pocket and unlocks the door. He wishes me good luck and walks away. Boy, the people here are so helpful. Again, that was sarcasm. I push open the door and see Steiner sitting on a broken table with an empty glass bottle in one hand and a doll in the other. That's Cinna's Garnet doll. I remember because I never figured out what the hell it had to do with the game. "We're getting the princess, want to come?"

Steiner, who was staring at the ground, looks up at me angrily. His eyes are all bloodshot and there's a smudge of blue on his chin. I assume it's from the potion. "Richard! How dare you say you're rescuing the princess after you disgrace the Knights of Pluto by aiding these kidnappers?"

I want to shout that my name is Rick, but I know it won't do any good. Even after it becomes obvious that Garnet's life is in danger, he runs round shouting "Princess" and making a total fool of himself. The man is a Grade A meathead.

"Are you coming or not?" I ask in the angriest voice I have. It makes me sound like Hulk Hogan on helium, and I don't think he gets the hint. One cross word, and I'll scratch your eyes out. I'm not kidding. My brother used to have so many claw marks on his arms that he would have to tell people he was pulling our cat out of fights with the neighbourhood stray. We don't have a cat. That'll teach him for making fun of my new fingernail polish.

"When we get back to Alexandria, I'll have you hanged for treason," Steiner shouts. I can feel my fingers sliding into scratching position on their own, but I keep my hands level.

"Shut up, we're moving out," I say. Now I understand why Zidane never liked Steiner. Steiner was always one of my favourite characters when this was just a game, even if his trance sucked. Hey, will I get a trance or be tranceless like Marcus and Beatrix?

"Do not speak to me like that! You are still one of the Knights of Pluto, and I demand the respect afforded to me!" Steiner shouts again. In his anger, he drops the doll and the bottle. The bottle hits the floor and shatters. Do not expect me to clean that up, Mr. I'm-your-boss.

"Fine, I quit," I retort. Gee, I'm being really mean. Maybe this means he'll lay off everyone else. Meh, probably not; it seems like no one can do anything right in Steiner's eyes except for Garnet and Vivi. At least, that's the impression the game gave me. "Now are you coming or not?"

Steiner grumbles a yes and stands up. He follows me out the door and I remember that there's a treasure chest in the band room. I tell Steiner to be a good boy and sit still while I get something out of the room. Avoiding the broken glass as much as possible, which is hard since Steiner dropped the bottle right in front of the chest, I pop it open. Inside are a couple of small bottles with a maroon liquid in them. They both say "potion," so I slide them into my pockets with the ether and Gil.

"Okay, lets go," I say as walk out of the room to find no Steiner. Oh, this is so not good. It's worse than that tutu Lara Flynn Boyle wore to that awards show. For all I know, he could be off getting whacked with trumpets and saxophones by the guys from the band. Zidane is going to kill me.

I wander around the airship once more, and I still don't know where I'm going. People are looking at me oddly when I ask them if a knight in rusty armour came by. When I find Steiner, he is going to get such a tongue-lashing, and I don't mean the good kind. No. Bad images are forming in my brain. Abort train of thought! Abort!

"Hey, Cinna!" I yell when I see the overweight and shirtless monster of a man walk by. It's odd. During the game, he's outside looking for his Garnet doll, but here he is inside the ship. Maybe he's looking for it inside.

"Huh?" Cinna says looking in my direction. Okay, he definitely should be wearing a shirt. This is just gross. Don't get me started on the hat; I could go all night. "Who're you?"

"I'm Rick," I tell him as I try to bite back my commentary on his style, or, rather, lack of. "Have you seen a guy running around in armour?"

"Rusty?" Cinna answers with a laugh. "Yeah, he's right outside the ship arguing with Zidane. There's a little kid with a funny hat out there too."

Then his expression turns more solemn and, fighting my better nature, I pat his arm sympathetically. My hand is so getting washed when we get out of here. "Is something wrong?"

"You'll laugh at me," Cinna says dejectedly. When I assure him that I won't, he looks into my eyes, and I can see panic in his. "It's my Garnet doll, she's missing. Have you seen her?"

"Yeah, she's back in the band room," I offer with a smile. "But there's some broken glass around her, so you might want to be careful."

What happens next is going to be one of those things that you want to forget but know you never will. Cinna shouts out jubilantly and pulls me into a bear hug. Not only that, he also jumps around while I'm trapped in his grasp. It didn't occur to me in the game, but this guy is nasally offensive. He smells awful, like cheap cologne mingled with cheap deodorant. At least it's not BO. When he does finally put me down, a small crowd has gathered. Baku is among them. Great, I have the pig-nosed leader of Tantalus looking at me. The feeling is not a pleasant one. I'm horribly intimidated.

"Good job," Baku says as he claps me on the shoulder. He's a lot stronger than Zidane, and again my knees buckle and I fall to the floor. The man just brushes it off with a laugh and picks me up by my chain mail shirt before setting me back on my feet. "Now you go out and take care of that boy of mine."

His boy? I hope he means Zidane, because I do not want to going through Evil Forest with anyone else from Tantalus. It's not that I don't like them. There's just the fact that Zidane is easier on the eyes than these guys. Oh pooh, now I sound really shallow. I'm just going to stop this right now.

"Um, sure thing," I say. For some odd reason, he just laughs again and shoos me away. Okay, I can definitely tell you I'm not joining Tantalus if I'm still in this world when the game runs its course. Actually, now that I think about it, how did I get here? How do I get home? Will I ever go home? Am I never to see the Sex and the City reunion special? Now I'm sad. It's a good thing I'm not around anyone now, because I do not want to have to explain to these guys why I'm depressed.

"There you are!" I hear someone yell. I know that voice. He comes up behind me, right after I wipe my eyes dry, and puts an arm around my shoulder in brotherly fashion. "We've been waiting on you. Come on, we have to go rescue the princess."

"Okay, Honey," I say in a happier voice. Why does being around this guy make me feel better instantaneously?

"Good, let's go," Zidane says as he pulls me even closer. Is he coming onto me? I'm not complaining, but it'll be a little weird if he is. He was such a ladies' man in the game. Anyway, we get outside to see an angry Steiner and a frightened Vivi. Poor little guy, I just want to give him a hug. It should be obvious that I'm talking about Vivi, not Steiner. Zidane, out of nowhere, feels the need to announce my arrival. "Hey, look who I found!"

"Who are you?" Vivi asks meekly. He looks frightened by the idea of going out into those dark woods where who knows what is lurking behind every tree or bush. I really feel for you kid, we're in the same boat.

"Hey there, Cutie," I say. I kneel down so that I'm face-to-face with the black mage. Well, as face-to-face as you can get with someone whose face consists of little more than yellow eyes and blackness. "I'm Rick. You must be Vivi."

"How… how do you know my name?" he asks with a start. What did I tell Blank? Right, it was that moogle.

"I ran into Kupo. He told me about you," I answer. Oh man, I hope he buys it.

"I remember Kupo. He was the first moogle I ever met. Puck introduced us!" Vivi says excitedly. At least he's not scared now. If only I could do something to stop my own shaking hands.

"Richard! Stop dawdling, we must save the princess!" Steiner shouts as he begins to jump up and down. Well, if there is such a thing as a one-track mind…

"I hate to say so, but Rusty here is right," Zidane reluctantly agrees. "We really should go get her."

"Silence you ragamuffin! If it weren't for you and your thieves, the princess would be safe in Alexandria castle," Steiner shouts. I have two problems with this: first, I'm tired of Steiner yelling all the time; second, who says ragamuffin anymore?

"Hey, Honey," I say to Zidane before an argument breaks out. "Can we just go now?"

As has become the custom, Zidane rolls his eyes at my nickname for him. Believe it or not, he actually looks cute doing that. No, I am not crushing on Zidane. I swear, I'm telling the truth: scout's honour. Hey, it doesn't matter that I was never a boy scout.

"Fine, let's move out," Zidane orders with a wave of his hand in the direction of the forest.

My nerves are tingling and I can feel my heart beating twice its normal rate as we step out of the safety of the ship. I still don't know why Zidane wants me to come. Perhaps he thinks a walk through Evil Forest would make for a romantic date. That's a joke, people. I'm not some rabid fangirl who throws herself at the main hero because I think his game-based romantic interest is a total airhead and a whore. Based on what little interaction I've had with her, Garnet actually isn't that bad.

"How are we going to find her?" I ask when it becomes obvious no one knows where we're going. In the game, you just walk through a few screens and you're there. It's a little harder when you actually have to look.

"We were attacked by the stream," Vivi blurts out. He's carrying his staff and looking around with big eyes; poor little guy.

"Then we'll just follow the stream and see if that leads us to her!" Zidane says. He thumps his chest before pulling a pair of daggers out of his pockets. Oh, right, I should give him that one I found back at the airship.

"Great idea, Honey," I say as I reach into my own pocket and retrieve the blade. I'm actually surprised I haven't stabbed myself with it. "I found this back at the airship. Is it yours?"

"Hey, that's a Mage Masher!" Zidane says greedily. Suddenly, he looks oh so happy. Someone likes deadly weapons. "Can I have it?"

"Sure, Honey. I don't know how to use the darn thing," I say with a laugh. Unfortunately, the roar of a monster punctuates it. Zidane grabs the dagger from me and whirls around in anticipation.

"What is that?" Vivi asks as he hides behind my legs. I'm trying really hard to keep from hiding myself.

Zidane doesn't say anything as he crouches into a fighting stance, one of his old daggers and the Mage Masher in hand. Steiner draws his broadsword and looks at me expectantly. When I show him that I'm unarmed, he grumbles something incoherent and turns away. He's really a pleasant guy when you get to know him.

"Fangs!" Zidane yells as three of the wolf things jump in front of us. The urge to see if my butchered rendition of "Midnight Train to Georgia" will frighten them away tugs at the back of my mind, but I stay silent and let the professionals do what those geniuses who designed them to do.

One of the monsters growls and jumps at Zidane. He ducks under it and holds up one of his daggers. The sharpened metal cuts into the flesh of the Fang and yellow blood falls onto the thief's face. A gloved hand wipes it away and he charges the wolfish creature. With a flash of metal in the limited light, I know the thing is dead.

While that's going on, the other two are looking at Vivi and me like we're lunch. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Steiner adjusting his grip on his sword. There's a clanking sound and Steiner runs at the duo of Fangs with his outstretched sword. One of them crumples under his sword and then other runs straight at me. Oh no, I'm not dying in the middle of some woods at the hands of an overgrown Chihuahua.

Before I can make a move, either fight or flight, someone tackles me to the ground and a blaze of fire hits the Fang, knocking it back and impaling it on Steiner's sword.

"Gross!" I scream as I pick myself up off the ground. Zidane had tackled me so that Vivi could attack, and I fell face first into something brown and mushy. Please be mud. Please be mud. Nope, I fell into a pile of poop. My face is covered with monster scat. I'm going to take one of Zidane's precious daggers and cut off his… tail. I'm talking about his tail. "Eww! Get if off! Get it off!"

Zidane laughs before helping me up. "Come on, Rick. Let's go. We still have a princess to rescue." Does he seriously expect me to go after Garnet with dung on my face? No way. "Here, wipe that stuff off. You really stink."

Did he just tell me that I stink? Oh, you're so getting it monkey boy. When we get out here, I'm going to tie you up and beat you with a loaf of stale garlic bread. Gee, I wonder why my friends tell me I'd make a good dominatrix.

"Thanks," I spit angrily as I grab his offered kerchief. As best as I can, I wipe of the poop and fling the soiled linen back at its owner. When we reach this stream Vivi is talking about, I am so rinsing my face off.

"You're welcome, Princess," Zidane laughs as he drops the kerchief on the ground and kicks it into a nearby bush. Did he just call me a princess? Either my being here has screwed up the game more than I thought and he thinks I'm Garnet, or he's mocking me. Well, he's not getting away with that.

"Oh, Honey, you do care!" I melodramatically shriek as I pull him into a hug and press my face against his. When I let go, he has a long brown streak on his left cheek.

"Freak," Zidane says as he tentatively touches his cheek with his hand. He sees the brown spot on the fingertip of his glove and glares at me. Hee, someone's not happy at all. "Nice going, Princess."

"Desist you two! We must rescue the princess!" Steiner screams at the top of his voice. Crap! The Plant Brain still has her.

"Right, whatever," Zidane huffs. He looks so cute when he's mad, not that I'm saying he's cute or anything. Bah, I'll just not think about it. The guy's only a videogame character and this is just a dream. An incredibly weird dream that involves my face and a pile of poop, but it's a dream nonetheless. Right?

Without another word, we set off on our rescue mission. Vivi isn't quite as close to me as he was before. I can't blame him. At least he's not a little brat like Eiko. Oh, I'm so not looking forward to her. She has awesome eidolons like Fenrir and Phoenix, but she has always been so annoying when I played the game. Freya, on the other hand, was my favourite character. She had style and fought far better than Zidane could ever hope to. Plus, there's nothing more romantic than traveling across the continent in search of your lost love.

"PRINCESS!" I hear Steiner scream. It snaps me out of my thoughts and I see that we've come to the cave where the Plant Brain is. The thing is huge. It looks like this big flower; only instead of pollen in the centre, there is a huge set of teeth. The petals are red and it has huge greenish brown tentacles. There's something about the tentacles that I don't remember being in the game. There are these huge thorns on the tentacles that look like they could rip a person in half.

Still yelling, Steiner rushes into the cave with his sword held high. One of those oft-mentioned tentacles easily sweeps him aside, and a large hole is torn into his armour. If he hadn't been being wearing that… Why did I take my armour off and leave it in Alexandria? Stupid move, Rick.

"We have to help Rusty before he gets himself torn apart!" Zidane shouts as he points the tip of his Mage Masher, the one he got from me, into the cave.

"Do we have to?" is the response he gets. Zidane turns to me in annoyance, but I'm not the one that had said it. When I shrug, we both look at Vivi in surprise. He just looks down and kicks at the ground.

"Princess, I shall save you!" I hear Steiner cry. I look at Zidane with a sigh and run into the cave. No man should have to face that kind of danger alone, not even Steiner. What good I will be, though, has yet to be seen.

Steiner swings his sword as yet another tentacle comes at him. Since it's a plant, would a better description be vine? I guess it doesn't matter. My former "boss" manages to get lucky and lops the tentacle off, making the Plant Brain roar in pain and anger.

"Richard! Get the princess!" he yells at me. I nod and look back to see Zidane running into the cave, with Vivi behind him and inching his way inside. Poor kid.

"Of course," I call out as if it's the simplest thing in the world. In that moment, the Plant Brain decides to attack the new prey inside its domain. One of those giant vine/tentacle things whacks me in the side. I rocket across the cave and hit the wall. Ow! Owowowowowowowowowow! Never before have I been hurt like this. There's a long gash in my side from a thorn that grazed me, and that's on top of the welt that I can feel swelling up. Rick, you are not Xena. You are not a fighter. Just crawl away and give Garnet that potion Blank gave you back in the Prima Vista. You know, suddenly traveling around with Tantalus doesn't seem like a bad idea.

Another tentacle hits me, thankfully sans thorn, and sends me flying once more. That's it; if I ever go home, I'm buying a gallon of gasoline and setting my mom's flowerbed on fire.

Then, about ten feet away from me is Garnet. She looks awful. Her hair is all frizzy and her clothes are torn. Mud is smeared all over her face. (Lucky her. I wish my face were covered with mud instead of... Yeah, still bitter about that.) I ignore the searing pain in my side and reach into my pocket for the potion that will save Garnet's life. Instead, I come up with a regular potion. Well, at least it'll help me.

Wait, how do you use a potion? In the game, Steiner chugs the potion Blank concocts to remove the seeds. Maybe you do that with regular potions as well. As a test, I take a sip from the glass bottle (which I'm surprised hasn't broken) and feel a slight lessening of the main in my side. I then gulp it down until every last bit of the potion, and the pain in my side, is gone. Do you want to know what the amazing thing is about potions? No, it's not the restorative properties. What, in my newfound opinion, makes them absolutely wonderful is the flavour. They taste just like pink lemonade!

I set the bottle off to the side and reach into my pocket again. Bingo! This time I produce the blue liquid. I crawl over to Garnet, momentarily forgotten by the Plant Brain as it wails away on Zidane, Steiner, and Marcus. Wait! What in Judy Garland's name in Marcus doing here? Isn't Blank supposed to be the one to show up and help out? Something is very wrong here, aside from the fact that Vivi is nowhere to be seen.

There's no time to dwell on this, because at any moment the mutated tiger lily less than twenty feet away might remember that I'm here. I turn back to Garnet, pull the cork out of the bottle with my teeth (yes, they stop up their potions and such with corks here, I guess), open her mouth with my left hand, and pour the liquid into her mouth with my right. Please don't choke. The last thing I need is Steiner chopping my head off because you died while drinking the potion I gave you.

Garnet coughs and her eyes open just a bit. She sees me and they almost pop out of her eyes. "Richard! Why are you in my room?"

"It's Rick, Gorgeous," I coo as I tighten my grip on the glass bottle that's still in my right hand. "And this isn't your room."

It just happens to be at that moment that I get hit by a bolt of lighting. And I thought getting smacked around by leafy tentacles hurt… The only thing that ever brought me more pain than this was when they cancelled The Nanny. Fran Drescher is hilarious! Whoa, I'm in the middle of a battle. Why am I thinking of a Jewish actress from Queens, New York? That Thunder spell must've messed around with my head.

"Hold on… Rick," Garnet says as she sits up and pulls a rod out of nowhere. The Final Fantasy games never explained how the characters do that. Suddenly, the tip of the rod lights up. It's really pretty, and when it fades any pain I had from the spell is gone. Yeah, my being here has messed things up somehow. Garnet isn't supposed to wake up until the party escapes from Evil Forest. Then again, Marcus isn't supposed to be here. You know what, I don't care right now. I want revenge on that stupid lilac bush. (Is it obvious I don't know what kind of plant the Plant Brain is?)

I still have the bottle from Garnet's potion in my right hand, and the bottle from the potion I drank is only a few feet away. After standing up, I quickly run to, and scoop up, the other bottle. Then I do the only thing that comes to mind: I chuck the old bottle (Garnet's) at the Plant Brain and transfer the new one to my right hand. My eyes follow the progress of the bottle as it soars through the air and… falls three feet short of the Plant Brain. Are you kidding me? I get sucked into this place, survive an airship crash, get into a fight with a boss, and I still can't throw as far as my four-year-old niece? Man, I really should've participated in gym class. (Stupid football coach/gym teacher who passed me just to get me out of his hair.)

Even if I didn't hurt the stupid boss monster, I did catch its attention. Great, now it's focusing on me. Wonderful, Rick. Really, you did a bang-up job on that. Before it can attack me, though, the other warriors (including Vivi, who has magically reappeared) take the opportunity to attack. Four blades and one fireball collide with the side of the monstrosity. It gives an ear-splitting shriek reminiscent of the widow of a certain murdered British musician before collapsing.

"PRINCESS!" Steiner shouts joyfully. He runs by me, knocking me over like he's Garnet and I'm a tuba player, and pulls the poor girl into what must be a painful hug. His armour is all torn up, if you'll remember, and the shredded metal is probably poking into her.

"Nice to see you're still with us, Princess," I hear Zidane say. I look at him and find that he's looking at me, not Garnet. Unsure of how to respond, I don't. How do I even know he's talking to me?

There's something I'm forgetting, something big. What is it? I look at the body of the Plant Brain and see it twitch. Okay, there is no way that thing is still alive. It's as dead as parachute pants. The eighties, what were we thinking? The only good thing to come out of the eighties was Dynasty. Hey, you try denying the awesomeness that is Joan Collins. See, you can't.

"What's up, Princess?" Zidane asks with a laugh as he puts his arm around my shoulder again. I can't speak. No, it's not because I'm suddenly re-aware of just how handsome Zidane is. (This is just a dream, after all. I hope.) What does have me so freaked out is the fact that the Plant Brain is moving again, but not in the way you'd think. Zidane follows my gaze in time to see the Plant brain get sucked into the ground. Then these things that look like a cross between a praying mantis and rose start pouring into the cave via the large hole in the ground where the Plant Brain used to be. If I didn't know better, this was the plant kingdom getting revenge on me for my plot to burn down my mother's flower garden.

"Run!" Marcus shouts as more and more of the creatures pour into the cave. I look around and see that the way we came in is blocked off, but there's another exit we can still use. Marcus seems to have seen it, too, because he waves at us to go that way.

"Come on, Princess," Zidane yells as he grabs my wrist and pulls me towards the exit. We stop when we reach it, because it's a drop of ten feet into a shallow stream. I turn back to see Steiner carrying Garnet in his arms and Marcus has a very resistant Vivi tucked under his left arm and his sword in his right. I look at Zidane, who gives me a little push. "Jump!"

I crash into the water, which is incredibly cold, and push myself into a kneeling position. Zidane lands next to me, but he manages to stay on his feet. Next come Marcus and Vivi, and Steiner and Garnet finish it up. Marcus wades over to me and pushes Vivi into my arms. Somewhere along the way, I had dropped the bottle I was carrying.

"Get the kid out of here, now!" Marcus screams in my face. I don't bother arguing. My feet are already splashing through the stream by the time I become aware I'm running.

There's no way to tell where I'm going. I keep running and Vivi seems to have given up fighting me. The little guy seems to weigh nothing at all, which aids our escape since I'm not that strong. (Insert complaint about gym class here.) A few seconds into my escape, the plant life decides that it doesn't want me to. Vines and branches start reaching out for me, but Vivi burns them away with his magical fires. What a helpful little bugger.

My lungs start to ache due to lack of oxygen, but I can see a clearing a few feet ahead. Come on, Rick! It doesn't matter what happens to you, but the kid in your arms is destined to save the world from a genome on a power trip. Well, he'll have help from the other seven heroes, but that's beside the point.

Freedom. I spill out of the trees and into a cold mist, but I don't care because there aren't anymore psychotic tulips trying to kill me. About twenty feet away from the tree line I collapse. Vivi falls onto the ground beside me before standing up and adjusting his hat. I don't even have the energy to sit up and make sure everyone is okay. Well, not until I hear Vivi yell, "Zidane!"

I rocket back to my feet to see that the forest has petrified and Zidane is standing just outside pounding on the entrance which has been closed off by petrified vines. Steiner and Garnet are safe, which means Marcus… I guess that even with me here, some things don't change.

"Hey, Honey," I say as I put a hand on his shoulder. Zidane turns around and looks at me with tears in his eyes and a frustrated look on his face before he pulls me into a hug. Awkwardly, I pat his back. The guy just lost someone who was like his brother, people. I run a hand through his hair, which is damp from sweat, and murmur comforting words to him. "It'll be okay, Honey. We'll come back and rescue him soon."

Of course, I already know that Steiner, Garnet (who will be Dagger by then), and… Who will they meet on their way to Treno now that Marcus is the one that's petrified? Blank? Cinna? Benero? Zenero? Great, I'm royally screwing things up here.

"Come on, Princess," Zidane says when he finally collects himself. We turn to the rest of the group, and they all have these really guilty looks on their faces. Except for Vivi, who really doesn't have a face, but you know what I mean. Zidane addresses the other three with absolutely no enthusiasm in his voice. "All right, guys, let's set up camp. We'll continue on our way to Lindblum in the morning."

We wander in a random direction that's chosen only because it leads us away from Evil Forest. I really hope Baku and the rest of Tantalus made it out of that place okay. When we reach a place that everyone silently deems far away enough from Evil Forest, I crash from exhaustion and envelop myself in the warm arms of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally getting around to actually putting this story up here on AO3. It's being re-edited and some small things are changing from when I uploaded it to FFnet back in... 2007? Wow, it's been awhile. Anyway, I hope you guys like the story!


	3. Chapter 3

When I wake up, I'm cold. I want to pull my comforter tighter around me, but it's gone. All I feel is wet grass. Why is there grass in my bed, and why is my bed so hard and lumpy?

"Mm?" I mumble as I sit up and rub my right eye. My hand is freezing to the touch, and it jerks me to full consciousness. I yawn and look around, seeing little more than fog in every direction. Snoring does reach my ears, though, so I crawl toward it. Imagine my surprise when I see a guy dressed like Steiner sitting on a tree trunk and snoozing away. As I become used to my surroundings, I can make out other people sleeping on the cold ground.

With a bang, the previous day's events return to me and I groan. So it wasn't a dream after all. Why am I in FFIX? I sniff and something reeks. Oh, right, the whole poop thing yesterday with Zidane. Stupid Zidane. Where is he, anyway? I can only make out two figures other than Steiner here, and neither is Zidane.

"Good morning, Princess," someone says quietly. Anticipating Zidane, I'm not surprised when he sits down next to me. What does surprise me is what he has in his hands. "Want some?"

"Are you seriously eating that?" I shriek. Apparently my exclamation has roused my partners in crime, because I hear Vivi and Garnet yawning. Their silhouettes sit up and stretch before looking around for the source sleep deprivation.

"What is the trouble?" Garnet calls out as she stands up and walks to us. She really doesn't look good, considering she was infected with the seeds longer than anyone else, and was also under the Plant Brain's control. No, that word doesn't fit. How about power? Watch? Whatever, the frickin' thing kidnapped her and then tried to kill us. I quickly look at my side and see nothing but a jagged tear in both of my shirts.

"This guy," I scream in revulsion and point at Zidane. He looks at me like I've gone crazy. "He's eating a Mu!"

"What?" Zidane asks innocently after swallowing a mouthful of the monster. I feel like I'm going to be sick, but my body is too tired to move away from him. "I cooked it over the fire first."

There was a fire? Right, I remember seeing it in the little scene after the gang left Evil Forest. There should be a tent nearby, which I don't see and no one used, and a moogle should show up to give us that flute. I never saw Zidane eating a Mu, though. That is just wrong on so many levels.

"Yes, Rick, was is wrong with eating Mu? It is served quite often in the castle," Garnet asks as she sits down across from me. Vivi also looks at me as if I've gone insane. Okay, obviously people in this world have no problem eating monsters. Eiko did put an oglop in her soup, after all. Note to self: don't eat anything Eiko cooks.

"Umm…" I mutter. Think, Rick. Why would something as common as eating a Mu gross you out? My eyes wander to the carnage Zidane has made of the squirrel thing, and I feel the urge to throw up again. Oh, I know! Go with the vegetarianism. Everyone will buy that! "I'm a vegetarian."

"What's a vegetarian?" Vivi asks. The kid is still standing up and he adjusts his hat before looking right at me.

"It's a person who doesn't eat meat," I state. Zidane snorts and, for a second, I'm afraid he's going to make some sort of crude joke. My brother loves to make jokes about me and "eating meat." Ah, my family, all the white trash you could want without having to shout "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" and watch unattractive people pole dance. Aren't I lucky?

"What do you mean?" Garnet asks me. She looks utterly bewildered. "Why would you not eat meat?"

How do I explain this one? "I believe it's morally reprehensible to kill an animal for food when I could just as easily eat an apple or some broccoli."

"What are apples and broccolis?" Garnet asks, looking even more confused. Do they really not have apples here, or is she just incredibly sheltered? I look over at Zidane, and he grins at me around a mouthful of Mu. Okay, I'm not looking at him again until he's finished with his breakfast. Whatever happened to cereal?

"An apple is a fruit that grows on a tree, and broccoli is…" I say with a yawn. What is broccoli, though? I know it's a vegetable, but does it come from stalks like corn or is it a root like carrots. Seriously, does anyone know what broccoli is, aside from something little kids won't eat?

"Answer her question, Princess," Zidane says with a laugh. He claps me on the back and I'm trying so hard to retain what little violent tendencies I have. I really doubt Zidane will want to have to explain to people how he became a eunuch.

I don't have to answer her, though, as Garnet's attention turns onto him with curiousness in her eyes. With the brief reprieve allotted to me, I look at Steiner who is still asleep. The man must be able to sleep through anything, what with all of the racket we're making. I'm tempted to get a marker and make one of those fake moustaches with the curly ends, but I don't have a marker with me. There is bound to be some half-burnt sticks in the fire I could use…

"Why do you call him 'Princess?' I'm the princess," Garnet asks. I look at Zidane with a huge grin. He should have to sweat like I did. Bless the royalty and her naiveté. Well, for now, anyway. It does almost get her killed by Brahne later, but I'm not going to able to disillusion her if her own "Uncle Cid" can't do that.

How does the oh so clever Zidane answer her? By annoying me, that's how.

"I just call him that because he's such a priss."

Priss? I'm prissy? Okay, monkey boy, one more word and you're mine. My Manicured Claws of Death are screaming for your blood, and I'm not trying hard to keep them in check. So far, their only victims are my brother (intentional) and myself (unintentional). If it hurts me when I poke myself by accident, imagine what it'll do to you on purpose.

"I am a princess," Garnet says slowly. There can only be one place she's going with this. "Do you find me to be a 'priss' then?"

Yeah! You go girl! Let's see him try to wiggle his way out of this one!

"What's a priss?" Vivi asks curiously, looking at the three older people who are talking. His grandfather must've really smothered him before passing away. By the time he was seven, my brother was calling me prissy for playing with our older sister's makeup. That's how I learned teal eye shadow brings out the green in my eyes. After all, what kind of guy wouldn't want to be told that he has two beautiful emeralds set into a gorgeous face. Nobody's said that to me yet, but here's to hoping!

"You want to know what a priss is?" Zidane asks Vivi with a laugh. When the little kid nods his agreement, Zidane jerks his thumb in my direction. "That's a priss."

Oh, no he didn't! He did not just say call me a priss again. That's it, the claws are coming out.

I leap at Zidane with a growl, my fingers curled into maximum scratching position. Unfortunately, I underestimated him. He's caught off guard at first, but just before the clawing starts he falls onto his back and puts his foot into my stomach. Then he grabs my wrists and flips me overtop of him and to the ground. Ouch. Lower back pain. Don't move, Rick. Just lie here in the grass until the aches go away. Yeah, that's a good plan. Let's stick with that.

"What is wrong with you?" Zidane shouts over Steiner's snoring. I'm in too much pain (or, I should say, embarrassment) to answer him. Luckily, our resident heir to the throne does it for me.

"I don't think he likes to be called a priss," she says as I sit up. What was your first clue, the growling or the failed mauling?

"Whatever," I groan as I rub the lower portion of my back and give the dirtiest look I have at Zidane. You will turn into a toad. You will turn into a toad. It's not working. Bah, there are more important things to worry about. "Do you have that map on you, Honey?"

"What map?" Zidane answers nonchalantly. I wish I could say the reaction was the same from Garnet. Her mouth is so open so wide I could back my uncle's box-truck (kind of like a mini-semi) into it. How regal. I wonder what could have brought on that look, heh heh…

"Didn't Marcus give you a map of the Mist Continent?" I ask. In the game, Blank gives Zidane a map before being petrified. What other reason could Marcus have for showing up during the fight with the Plant Brain?

"I have no clue what you're talking about," Zidane says with one eyebrow raised. I look around and see that Garnet is also studying me. Vivi, on the other hand, is throwing rocks off into the Mist and making explosion noises. Now you tell me, how cute is that?

"Ah, never mind," I mutter before looking at ground. No map means no way to get where we're going. I hope Zidane knows his way around, since I doubt the rest of us have a clue. Nothing looks the same in real life as it does on a TV screen. Really, the Mist is so thick that you can't see more than ten feet in any direction. "So, where to next?"

"Ice Cavern should be nearby. We'll go there since North and South gate are both closed off," Zidane says as he runs his right hand through his hair. Then he turns to me with a grin that makes my skin crawl. "Hey, Princess. You want to do me a favour?"

"What is it, Honey?" I ask defensively. Who knows what could happen. Besides, that moogle still hasn't shown up to give us the Moogle Flute.

"Wake up Rusty for me, will you?" he shouts before jumping to his feet. He helps Garnet up and starts walking away. If it weren't for my poor back, I would so give my nails another go at his pretty face. Well, now I have to go wake up my knight in rusty armour. Oh, unpleasant images, again.

"Wakey, wakey," I call out in a singsong voice as I rap the side of Steiner's helmet. He snorts and jerks before looking at me like I'm Lee Harvey Oswald and he's Jack Ruby. Running for my life seems like a good idea right now. Steiner doesn't say anything, though. When I find Zidane, I'm so going Joan Collins on his behind. Now all I have to do is find a lily pond. "Umm, we have to go now."

Steiner looks around, obviously remembering yesterday's escapades. Oh, he's not happy. He's not angry, either. The knight is actually… panicked?

"Where's the princess?" he bellows at me as he bolts up and grabs my shoulder. Then the shaking begins. I think I'm going to puke. Steiner continues to use me as a rattle when Vivi walks over and knocks on Steiner's leg. Yes, he treats Steiner's leg like a door.

"Mr. Steiner?"

"Yes, Master Vivi?" Steiner asks calmly as he lets me fall, rather roughly, to the ground. It's too early for this kind of stuff, if you ask me. And why is Vivi called "Master" while I'm treated like a martini: shaken but not stirred?

"They went that way," Vivi says as he points in the direction Zidane and Garnet are traveling.

"Thank you, Master Vivi," Steiner says appreciatively before running off. Of course, I'm left on the ground listening to the soothing sounds of a moron screaming "PRINCESS!" and armour clinking. This totally sucks. If I find out someone brought me here, then I'm going to hunt him/her down and berate them until their eyes bleed from all of the crying. Eww, now I've grossed myself out. I just really want to go home.

"Come on, Cutie," I say as I stand up. Vivi takes my hand (voices in my head go "Aww") and we follow the sounds that are distinctively Steiner.

A few minutes later we catch up to the others. Steiner and Zidane are yelling at each other and Garnet is looking bored. When she catches sight of us, her eyes light up. Why do I have the feeling that has more do with Vivi than me?

"Rick and Vivi have arrived," she informs our arguing comrades. Both of them look at us angrily. Uh oh, why do I feel a Zidane-inspired anti riffraff rant courtesy of Steiner coming on? I suppose it could have something to do with the fact that his gaze of doom is focused solely on me. Even Vivi can tell I'm in for it, because he lets go of my hand and walks over to Garnet.

"And you! You aid and abet the likes of this criminal. Beheading is the most fitting punishment for you, you traitor. I will stand by the Queen's side and laugh as the blood pours from your decapitated body!" Steiner shouts angrily. That. Is. Disgusting. Someone is obviously a closet fan of S & M. Oh, wonderful. More images that make me want to gouge out my eyes. Ah yes, that's better. I much prefer thoughts of me stabbing myself in the face over Steiner dressed in tight leather with chains and a whip… Stop it, Rick, or I may just have to gouge out your eyes for real!

"Shut up, Rusty! We went to snatch her, and she wanted to be snatched. Don't blame Rick for her," Zidane shouts and gestures at Garnet, "decisions. She's a big girl, so if you're going to blame anyone, blame her!"

A very red faced Steiner has refocused his attention on Zidane. "Silence, you brigand! You aren't even worthy of looking upon her royal soilings, much less being in her company."

"STEINER!" Garnet screams, utterly horrified by his mention of her "royal soilings." You know, all of this talk of soiling reminds me that I still have some on my face from Evil Forest. I'll have to remember that I still have to kill Zidane for that.

"I apologize, Princess," Steiner says quietly to Garnet. Ugh, I so hope this is behind us. I just want to get to Dali so I can take a long shower and get some rest. I'm also hungry. So far, my travels through Gaia haven't brought me so much as a piece of gum to chew on. And I'm afraid I may start going through withdrawal if I don't get my fabulousness fix. I sincerely doubt there's a Dollywood here.

"Can we just go?" I whine. My back still hurts and I want to at least make it to Ice Cavern and pass out during Zidane's fight with the first Black Waltz before today ends.

"Princess, I insist you allow me to escort you back to the safety of Alexandria and have these criminals incarcerated," Steiner pleads. This is starting to annoy me. Can this guy do nothing but complain and insult people? I thought I had left Tom Cruise back on Earth. "Being in the company of filth and traitors like Richard is bound to corrupt you eventually."

"Just shut up, Rusty."

Awkward silence. Did I say that? Well, if the eight pairs of eye on me are any indication, I would have to say so. Zidane is grinning, Garnet is perplexed, Vivi… well, he's Vivi. There's no reading that face when all you have to go by is eyes, But if I had had to guess: he's curious. Steiner, on the other hand, is nothing short of pure rage. To quote the wonderful Cher in her movie Moonstruck, "Oy Vey."

"Yeah, Rusty. Just shut up. We have to get to Ice Cavern so we can get above the Mist and make our way to Lindblum," Zidane interjects before Steiner can wail on me. What a sweetie. Maybe I won't kill him after all.

"We are not going to Lindblum! We are returning to Alexandria!" Steiner screams. Well, at least it's not a deadly silence anymore. But when is Garnet going to shut him down?

"Shut up! She wants to go to Lindblum, and you're a big jerk!" Zidane counters. Ooh, way to tell him off Zidane! That's almost up there with Steiner's ragamuffin crack from yesterday. Why are the dumb ones always so cute?

"Be quiet all of you. Let us go," Garnet says calmly. It's about time. Why couldn't you have said that before Steiner threatened to watch me be decapitated?

Everyone starts walking away from Steiner, and I watch as Garnet chats with Zidane. The hussy. Don't look at me like that. I'm not jealous, just stating a fact. Yep, that's all I'm doing. Quit it!

"PRINCESS!"

Why am I not surprised to hear the clanging of metal in accompaniment with that? Could it have something to do with the fact that eighty percent of Steiner's vocabulary consists of different ways of yelling that one word? Hmm, probably. I'll have to consult Dr. Tot if I end up going to Treno. Provided I don't end up back on Earth first.

"Honey?" I ask Zidane as I catch up with him. It's a little hard to do since he's faster than me and doesn't have Vivi riding on his shoulders. The kid wanted a ride and weighs next to nothing, so I gave him one. My back obviously disagrees with me on that. "Why was your friend Marcus at the fight with the giant plant thing? I thought you said you left Tantalus."

If it were Blank that had shown up, I would know the answer. Since it was Marcus and there was no map, I have no idea what to expect.

My heart breaks a little as he gives a heavy sigh and reaches into his pocket to produce a ring. That's right people, Marcus was petrified over jewellery. The ring itself is gorgeous, though. A smooth band of clear, blue stone. A sapphire, perhaps? "He said the Boss sent him with it, said it would help get us to Lindblum. It's a Madain ring."

Madain ring? I remember those, but I can't remember what they did. I was too busy trying to teach everyone Auto-Life and Auto-Reflect to pay much attention to anything else. I wonder if they have abilities like that now.

"Honey…" I start to say, but Vivi interrupts me.

"Can I wear it?" he inquires, pointing at the ring. Zidane agrees, and I have to stop and bend down so he can slip it on the black mage's thumb. The little guy's so excited, like a real kid. I really don't want to go to Dali and ruin him. Damn that Brahne and Kuja!

"I'm going to want that back in a little while," Zidane tells the kid on my shoulders. Then we start walking again and Zidane looks at me oddly. "Princess, were you going to ask me something?"

"Never mind," I say as I shake my head. I turn around, walking backwards, and shout out to Garnet who is hanging back a bit with a certain knight. "Hey, Gorgeous! Are you okay back there?"

"Yes, I am well!" Garnet answers with a wave and a giggle. Steiner looks at me like I'm the most evil thing in the world. It doesn't really bother me, because the football team gave me that look everyday. Ah, the joys of high school. That's one thing I don't miss. That and those snobby cheerleaders. I tried out for the squad once, and gave a flawless performance except I stumbled slightly during the landing of my last pirouette. They voted that stupid Raquel Malone into the group over me. Bitches.

I spin back around so that I'm walking forward, and Vivi giggles like most little kids do. "Do it again! Do it again!"

So I twirl across the fields and, before long, Garnet joins Vivi and me in our bizarre dance. Zidane just laughs and declines our offer to join while Steiner mutters angrily and shoots dark looks in my direction.

"Hey, Cutie. How old are you?" I ask as I look up at him. He looks happy, even if he isn't smiling. I can see it in his eyes.

"My grandpa said I was nine," he says wistfully before urging me to resume spinning. However, my eyes meet Garnet's and she's just as shocked as I'm. He's nine years old, but acts as carefree as a child half his age. Poor guy must have been incredibly sheltered. Either that, or Qus can't count. Quite honestly, both are logical explanations, if Quina is any indication. Don't get me wrong, I like Quina. Blue magic is one of the best things about Final Fantasy games (except for Enemy Skill Materia in FFVII, but that's for another time), and Quina is such a free spirit. S/he just never seemed that intelligent is all. A good cook and connoisseur of all things edible, yes, but not a scholar. Where am I going with this?

At Vivi's request, I continue to spin, and Garnet continues to dance around us. She even sings a bit of an opera she learned at the castle, and it's stunning. The lady has an excellent voice, right up there with kd Lang and Martina McBride. That's right, I'm a fan of Martina. You want to do something about it? You do? Oh, I was just kidding. Not about being a fan of ole blue eyes, but… well… you see, the thing is… please don't hurt me!

We walk for a long time, though I do eventually stop spinning and Garnet takes over Vivi duty. My back still hurts and I'm starting to sweat. Did you know sweat can ignite the stench of flaked off poo? Neither did I, but now I can really smell it. If the others can, they're not saying anything. I'm officially mad at Zidane for Evil Forest again. Stupid Zidane.

"Gorgeous?" I ask Garnet. Yes, I've only been here a day, and already I have nauseating nicknames for everyone. Well, not for Steiner. I think Rusty will do just fine. "I have something to do. Could you get the others to wait for me?"

"Of course I can, Rick," she says with a smile. Okay, I'm taking back the hussy comment. Really, Garnet is a great person. She's like that one nice member of the socialites, who gets nominated for homecoming queen but never wins. The main difference is that she actually does become queen. I'm a friend of royalty. How many perks will that get me later in the game?

There's no time to think it over as I shuffle away from my traveling companions. I really have to find a tree or a bush. The guys out there know why. Ooh, a boulder! That'll do.

A few seconds later, I'm left with a wet rock and a dilemma. How do I wash my hands? To walk around without washing them is just so… eww! I have to have something I can use. Let's see, there are the ether, the potion, and a little over 150 Gil in my pocket. Well, since I know a potion heals, I hope it works as an antibacterial as well. I'm gonna pour it on my hands and find out.

After a few drops, I notice something odd about the potion. It smells like strawberries, and I don't mean the cheap shampoo version of strawberries. My potion smells like actual strawberries. Experimentally, I take a sip. My back pain disappears and it does indeed taste like strawberries! I wonder if it'll do something about the "unpleasantness" on my face.

I pour the remnants of the potion into my hands before dropping the bottle and wiping it on my face. It doesn't cover the stench, it removes it completely. I hold the empty bottle up to my face and catch my reflection in the glass. The potion is soaking into my face, and taking all of the dirt, mud, and "other stuff" with it. Whether it's a good thing or not I don't know. What I do know is that, somehow, this potion was different from the one I drank back in Evil Forest. Also, I still smell like strawberries. I wonder if people in Gaia use potions instead of bathing. It's doubtful, but, then again, they eat monsters. Boy, my redneck family would love it here. Kill, eat, and never have to bathe. Yeah, they're that gross. I can only assume potions are used in place of brushing teeth, something I would have no problem adjusting to.

The crunching of wet grass meets my ears. I have been gone awhile, the others must have gotten worried and come after me.

"I'm okay," I assure whoever is behind me as I turn around with arms spread out to show that I am, indeed, okay. What greets me aren't my friends, though. No, I'm now in the company of two goblins.

They're slightly taller than Vivi, and are quite humanoid (fancy word, I know) in appearance. Plus, they have a small sword each. Did I mention that those swords are pointed right at me? Okay, okay. Calm down and make a plan, Rick. What would Oprah do?

"HELP!" I shriek as I run away from the goblins, who happen to give chase. Oprah would so not run away from these midgets. She would use god-like powers to turn them into respectable members of society who will serve her dutifully when the American people finally realize that she is the only person capable of running America while lowering inflation, unemployment, and continuing to be just fabulous. In case you haven't figured it out, I love Oprah.

Oh, right, I'm still being chased by goblins and, unfortunately, I'm not Oprah. I look back and see the goblins running on their little legs and waving their swords in the air. This is so not fair. I don't even have so much as a compact to defend myself with.

I turn back around and painfully collide with a wall of metal. Okay, since when are trees made out of rusty steel? Oh, wait, those are legs, not a trunk. Those branches are arms…

"Steiner!" I cry gleefully as I wrap my arms around his legs. Yeah, that's how desperate I am.

"Get off me, you traitorous filth!" he shouts as he kicks me off. Well, I'm not going to thank you now.

"You okay, Princess?" Zidane asks after shooting Steiner a dirty look. Of course, by now Rusty is fighting with the goblins. I'm very tempted to latch onto Zidane's legs in a fashion similar to that of what I just did with Steiner, but I won't.

"Yeah, Honey. I'm fine," I reply between heavy breaths. Is it too soon to be making cracks about gym class? I thought so. "Just a little tired."

With that, he runs over to join Steiner in the battle with the goblins.

"Rick, are you well?" Garnet asks as she and Vivi finally arrive. The princess has a look of concern on her face as she looks from me to the monsters fighting Zidane and Steiner.

"I'm great, Gorgeous," I answer as my heart stops trying to jump through my ribcage.

"Do you want to wear my ring?" Vivi asks as he takes the band off his thumb and holds it out to me. "It might make you feel better."

Didn't I just say that I was fine? "Thanks, Cutie. It's Zidane's, though. You might want to remember that."

I take the ring and slip it onto the middle finger of my right hand. It feels really good after I put it on, almost as though there's some kind of power in it. Nah, that can't be right. It does look pretty, though. I hold out my hand and admire the sight of the clear blue ring against my skin.

"What're you doing, Princess?" Zidane asks as he walks over to us. He's sweaty and seems to gleam in what little sunlight makes its way through the Mist. Is it just me, or is it a little hot out here just now?

"Oh, nothing, Honey. Just modeling your ring," I answer as I stand up and hug him. To hell with the sweat, he's my hero. "Thanks."

"Umm, you're welcome?" he's says with a clueless look as I let him go. It's just a hug. There doesn't have to be some kind of hidden meaning behind it. Zidane's tail flicks out to the side and he scratches his rear. Ugh, I'm so going to have to break him of that. "What did I do?"

"You saved me, silly," I tell him as I playfully slap his arm. "You and Rusty over there."

"This may sound weird," Zidane asks me, "but do you smell strawberries?"

"Nope," I say with a giggle.

"Richard!" Steiner shouts as he clinks in my direction. Why do I feel a rant coming on?

"Yes? What do you want, Rusty?" I ask. Yeah, I'm going there. Steiner has been on my case ever since I woke up on those steps in Alexandria castle, and I'm tired of it.

"You are an embarrassment to the Alexandrian military! You are frightened by even the weakest of opponents, and you constantly rely on the strength of others to protect yourself," he announces angrily with a finger in my face. Gee, you'd think I didn't know I'm a coward. I take pride in my cowardice, thank you very much. My beautiful face has to be protected somehow, and that's the best way.

"You're the one who let me into the Knights of Pluto. So before you start on me about my incompetence, how about you examine your own," I zing at him. See Zidane, that is a good comeback. Much better than calling him a "big jerk."

Speaking of Zidane, he laughs and slaps me on the back. Of course, I stumble and fall face first into Steiner. We both crash to the ground, which prompts more laughter from my so-called friends. Vivi then jumps on my back with a shout of "Dog pile!" Now where did he learn that? I doubt that Qus know what a dog pile is, so that rules out his grandpa. Maybe he picked it up in Treno or Alexandria.

"I don't feel like playing right now, Cutie," I say and hear a sniffle from Vivi. Poor little guy. "Maybe Rusty does, though."

Vivi giggles gleefully and jumps from my back to Steiner's head. This prods more laughter from Zidane and Garnet as I stand up and watch my plan take effect. It really is funny watching the black mage climb all over Steiner, and the knight doesn't know how to react.

"You're evil," Zidane whispers humouredly into my ear. Shivers go down my spine and I spare a glance at Garnet. She looks jealous, if I have to be honest. I have no idea why. There's nothing going on between me and the thief. He is supposed to fall for her, after all. I'm not even trying to be a distraction here. The whole love story between Garnet and Zidane was one of my favourite parts of the game, so why would I try to break them up?

"Master Vivi, we must continue on our quest. Now quit being a nuisance and leave me alone!" Steiner insists angrily. What a jerk! Vivi's head droops and he just looks so sad that I want to hug him. He's nothing like I thought he was when I played the game. Vivi is just like any other little kid, only a little more playful. Something really bad must happen to him while he's alone in Dali to make him the introverted and thoughtful character that shows up when Zidane and Garnet (who is Dagger by then) rescue him.

"Hey, Vivi. Have you ever played airship?" Zidane asks the sulky child. Thinking about it, Zidane would make a great father. He's sweet, strong, and has a strong sense of family, if his relationship to the guys in Tantalus is any indication. Now I really wish I had finished the game so that I know what happens to him. Oops! Did I forget to mention I've only ever made it as far as disk four before losing interest? Yeah, I'd be running around trying to do all of the side quests and never actually got around to even entering Memoria.

"N-no," he answers as he looks up at Zidane with big eyes. "How do you play airship?"

"Like this."

Zidane grabs Vivi and lifts him over his head, running around and making a low roar similar to that of an airship. The black mage giggles and put his arms out like they're wings, moving them up and down in flapping motions.

"What's that?" I ask Garnet with a chuckle as I point to a white structure nearby. I don't think it's the entrance to Ice Cavern. In fact, if memory serves me, there's only one place that could be. "Is that South Gate?"

"I do not know," she says with a shrug. "What would it mean if it were?"

"Don't you remember?" I ask her curiously. We did discuss this earlier in the day. "Zidane said South Gate was closed. We must be going in the wrong direction."

"So we are not nearing Ice Cavern?" Garnet asks me. I look around, seeing Zidane playing with Vivi and Steiner wiping goblin blood off his sword.

"Honey?" I shout, trying to catch Zidane's attention. When he doesn't notice, I jump up and down and wave my hands over my head. "Honey!"

Zidane stops, much to Vivi's chagrin, and turns to look at me with a protesting child over his head. "What?"

"Is that South Gate?" I shout back and point in the direction of the structure. Zidane follows the path of my finger and almost drops Vivi. Steiner looks, too, and he does drop his newly cleaned sword. Something tells me that I'm right. I wonder what that could be.

"Shit! It is!" Zidane exclaims. Hey, moron, you have an impressionable young mind in your hands. Do you mind watching the language?

"You have gotten us lost, you brigand!" Steiner shouts as he runs at Zidane with his sword still drawn. Something tells me that this isn't going to end well. "You will be held responsible should anything happen to the princess!"

If Steiner's going to keep yelling throughout this whole trip, I am buying a set of earplugs when we get to Dali.

"Don't blame me!" Zidane yells back as he sets Vivi back on the ground. The little guy wanders over to Garnet and me as Steiner and Zidane continue shouting at each other. "I'm from Lindblum. You're the one from Alexandria, Rusty!"

You know, all of this fighting is getting on my nerves. The urge to slap Steiner and Zidane is fighting against my self-control with everything it has. They fought like this in the game, but not this frequently. Why doesn't one of them simply take the higher road and walk away? I would expect Zidane to do it, but even I have been dragged into an argument or two with Steiner myself. If I can't practice what I preach, what right do I have expecting others to do it?

"Rick, do you want to go there?" Garnet asks me as she points to South Gate.

"Why not?" I shrug. She grabs Vivi and we set off, leaving the boys to duke it out. It'll be interesting to see what South Gate really looks like up close. As we approach, I notice that the doors leading into the gate are closed. Also, there are smoke and sounds of battle coming from within. Then someone hoists a red flag over the gate and Garnet stops walking. Yeah, I really don't want to go there either.

I turn to my traveling companions. Vivi is looking at South Gate, trying to figure out why we've stopped. Garnet is holding a large red jewel in her hand that is on a chain around her neck. I'm trying not to drool, because it is the most beautiful piece of jewellery I have ever seen.

"What's that, Gorgeous?" I ask. Garnet jumps and quickly stuffs the necklace back into her puffy shirt. Well, if you don't want bandits to think you have such a large piece of ice, then I guess hiding it in such hideous and bulky clothing is a good idea.

"Rick, 'tis nothing," she says while looking at the banner darkly. Yeah, her mommy issues are a lot worse than mine. My mom wants me to clean the house, and hers wants to take over the world.

"Should we go back?"

"Yes, I believe it would be wise to return," she agrees. So we each take one of Vivi's hands in our own (voices in my head go "Aww!" again) and get set to return to Zidane and Steiner. This reminds me of when I was like six or seven and my parents would take me shopping with them while my brother was at a play date with the neighbour boy. They were afraid I would suddenly bolt in front of traffic, so they would each hold one of my hands. I would be utterly embarrassing to me, but they alleviated the awfulness of the moment by lifting me up so that my feet couldn't touch the ground. Yeah, I miss being that happy with them. If I ever get home, I'm definitely going to try once more to talk things through.

We get back to Steiner and Zidane, who are still arguing. I doubt they even noticed we were gone.

"Ahem," I clear my throat to let them know that we are, in fact, in their presence.

"What is it, Princess?" Zidane yells at me without taking his eyes off of Steiner. Geez, I haven't seen that much hatred since my parents found me reading The Da Vinci Code. Great book, by the way.

"Yeah, um, South Gate is under attack from Alexandrian forces, so I think we should just turn around and find Ice Cavern before they find out we're harbouring this beauty," I say while wrapping an arm around Garnet's waist.

"You are a liar!" Steiner shouts, ignoring Zidane and concentrating all of that hatred on me. Yeah, this is definitely worse than the "wake up look" I got this morning. My knees are actually knocking together. "The Queen would never attack our allies!"

"Steiner, it is true," Garnet says softly. She has her head hung in shame, the poor girl. She must know how Florence Henderson's children feel, being the product of all that evil. "Could we just depart from here and find Ice Cavern? I wish to get to Lindblum as soon as possible."

"But…" Steiner begins to object until Zidane gets involved again.

"She said she wants to go to Ice Cavern, and that's where we're going!" Zidane screams in Steiner's face. I can see Rusty is getting upset. Now, I guess it's my turn to get involved.

"Honey, let's just go!" I plead as I tug lightly on Zidane's tail. Then he looks at me, absolutely mortified. It's just a tail, so why does he look as though I've castrated him? Have I done something wrong? Knowing me, yes.

"Whatever," he says angrily, jerking his tail out of my hands. I didn't mean to offend him or anything. Why do I always do this? Better yet, why do I always ask questions when I know I'm not going to get an answer?

So we all turn our backs to South Gate and trudge forward in silence. An awkward silence. Even Vivi isn't saying a word.

After a few hours, and a few battles, which involve me screaming and being pelted with rocks by psychotic squirrels, we find ourselves standing outside the frozen entrance to Ice Cavern. Zidane still hasn't said a word to me since the tail incident. Nobody has said a word. Not even a "PRINCESS!" from Steiner. This isn't how the game is supposed to go. What have I done?


	4. Chapter 4

"Honey?" I say as I put a hand on his shoulder. Zidane jerks away from my touch as though I've burned him. I haven't been around someone this angry since my mom had her hysterectomy. That was a crazy few months of hormonal rage in my house, what with my mother and three teenagers. My poor father, that must've been when he started losing his hair. Can anyone recommend a shop on Gaia that sells Rogaine?

"Zidane, what is wrong?" Garnet asks with a frown. "Does this have to do with Rick's actions involving your tail?"

With that, our not-so-humble leader glares at both "princesses" with a look of utter distaste. Garnet seems taken aback and rather saddened by Zidane's reaction, but I had been anticipating some kind of reaction. I just never expected the cold shoulder. The game made it look as if he wore his emotions on his sleeve. Now I'm starting to see just how inaccurate the game is. Either that, or my being here in the world of FFIX is doing more damage than even I had believed it would, if that is what you would call all of these changes in the characters, their personalities, and the plot.

"I didn't know it was such a big deal, Honey. I'm really sorry," I plead. The last thing I need is for the hero of the game to hate me. In the game, the only time Zidane's tail becomes an issue is on the airship ride to Lindblum, when he uses it to hang just out of Steiner's reach. Stupid game giving me false impressions. "Won't you say something?"

He sighs and waves me off. "You know what, Princess? Just forget about it. You didn't know that my tail is off-limits, but just remember that from now on. Okay?"

"Thank you!" I squeal as I tackle him to the ground in a bear hug. Of course, we're right outside Ice Cavern, so we fall directly into the snow. Zidane lets out a cry of shock, but I don't feel a thing.

"Get off me, Princess! I'm freezing to death here!" the thief screams as he thrashes below me. Oh, I know just what to say, too.

"That's okay, Honey. I'll warm you up real nice," I whisper in his ear in the lustiest voice I have. Believe me when I tell you, it is taking everything I have to keep from breaking character and bursting into uncontrollable laughter. Oh, if Carol Burnette could see me now…

"WHAT?" Zidane screams as he pushes me off with all of his strength. It must be my luck that I hit my head on the wall of the cave. Gee, could we overreact just a tad less next time?

The others decide just then to actually enter the cavern and find out why Zidane is screaming like my father when the bills come into the mail. Next thing you know, he's going to threaten cutting off the water when my showers go over twenty minutes. Hey, it's not my fault my shampoo has to be left in my hair for five minutes before being rinsed out. Some sacrifices just have to be made for hair that is soft and shiny.

"It's so beautiful in here!" Garnet gasps in wonderment as she looks at the cavern around us. I pull my face out of the snow and follow her example. The Ice Cavern is easily the second most beautiful thing I have ever seen, with the first being Reba McEntire's infamous "red dress" from the CMA's back during the early 90's. There was the plunging neckline that showed off her bosom, and the absolute loss of breath at just how sparkly it was. It was like, the most beautiful sight I can remember seeing. Newborn babies and sunsets don't even come close to that burgundy miracle, people.

"Princess, don't touch anything!" Steiner screams as Garnet kneels before a flower encased in a crystal of ice. What would happen if she did? Stupid Steiner with his stupid paranoia. It's not like she'll freeze to death. Speaking of which, for a place named Ice Cavern, it's not that cold. In fact, it feels just like it did outside. Weird.

"My grandpa said that this place leads to the top of the Mist," Vivi says with a voice full of reminiscence and reflection. Pooh, I know where this is going.

"Master Vivi's grandfather is clearly a scholar. We must thank him when we get out of here!" Steiner shouts as he clamps a hand on Vivi's shoulder. Hey, why doesn't the little kid fall over like I did when Zidane and Baku give me the same gesture. This just isn't fair.

"My grandfather… he died…" Vivi says in that oddly quiet way that I do recognize from the game.

"Oh," Steiner says without yelling. It's a little sad that it takes the death of someone to actually shut him up. Not that anyone has actually died, but you know what I mean. Poor Vivi.

Surprisingly, it's Garnet who knows what to do. She kneels next to Vivi and puts a hand on his shoulder. If it were me, I would've hugged him, but it's not. Still, Garnet is really surprising in what she does. She kisses the little guy on the cheek and tells him that his grandfather would be proud of him. Vivi immediately perks up.

"Hey, Princess!" Zidane laughs. What in the world could he want now? I mean, he did just throw me into a wall.

"What?" I ask as I turn to him. Then my face meets a snowball. Now, why didn't I see that coming? It was so obvious, that even Steiner could have seen it. He probably did. Stupid Rusty.

Everyone gets a good laugh at my expense, especially Vivi. At least he's happy now. Still, these guys aren't getting away with it. I can throw a snowball as well as Zidane, if not better.

I scoop up a handful of glittering powder and cram it into a ball before throwing it in Garnet's direction. Her eyes grow wide, but not for the intended reason. The beautiful princess is spared the wrath of my wintry assault because the snowball falls harmlessly at her feet. Okay, I'm blaming the wind in this place for throwing the snowball off balance. (My poor gym teacher now has an inferiority complex and I don't want it hanging over my head if he does something to himself. Then again, if he does, I won't have gym class…)

Nah, it's definitely the wind, not that these jokers care. Zidane and Garnet just start laughing harder, though whether it's at me or the fact that Vivi smashed the side of Steiner's head with a snowball of his own I'll probably never know.

"Can we just go?" I whine as I try to wipe the snow off my face. You probably won't believe this, but there isn't a single flake on me. Hmm, it must have melted already.

"Fine, Princess. We'll go just for you," Zidane says as he puts his arm around my shoulders. Then guess what happens. HE. GIVES. ME. NOOGIES! My hair wasn't wonderful before, being flat and all, but I'm sure it's worse now. That's it, when we get to Dali I am so getting my revenge. I don't know how, but I am. Maybe I'll push him into a pile of poo.

"Get off! Get off! Get off!" I cry as I swat feebly at his hands before he lets me go. Yeah, every single hair is standing up and absolutely refuses to go down. Zidane just grins at me. Stupid Zidane. Yeah, that's my mantra now. Stupid Zidane. Stupid Zidane. Stupid Zidane.

"Yes, we must depart. It is rather cold in here!" Garnet says as she rubs her hands together. Why does everyone think it's so cold? Maybe I'm just used to this weather. I live in a border state back in the US.

So off we go, with no idea of where we're going. There are so many tunnels and places to go in Ice Cavern. We also never got the moogle flute, unless it was given to the others while I was sleeping last night. Don't ask me what that has to do with this.

"Does anyone want this?" I ask as I hold up my shiny object. It's a dagger almost exactly like the one I gave Zidane back in Evil Forest, with one noticeable exception. There is about an inch of ice coating it. Surprisingly, I don't feel any sense of coolness from it. I guess people of Earth are of tougher stock than those of Gaia. Weirdness.

"Another Mage Masher!" Zidane says happily as he jumps over to me and grabs the blade. Oh, you don't have to thank me. Go ahead and take the dagger; I don't need any source of acknowledgement. My ego doesn't need to be boosted at all. Stupid Zidane.

As Zidane stares adoringly at his newfound dagger (which I found!), Garnet clears her throat. "Shall we proceed?"

Yes, we shall proceed. Bah, I can't wait until she drops the fancy speech. If I wanted to be in a place where people spoke like that, I'd get myself sucked into a lawyer show like Ally McBeal. Then I'd force feed Calista Flockhart's anorexic butt some French fries and follow Lucy Liu around with my tongue hanging out of my mouth. Yeah, I like bad girls. That's what makes Joan Collins so deliciously wonderful. Alexis Carrington was like a goddess throughout my youth. What? My mom used to tape Dynasty. I am seventeen, people; the 80's consisted of little more than diapers and mashed peas for me.

"Come on!" I gleefully shout, reinforcing Garnet's suggestion that we get out of this place. It may not be that cold to me, but I can definitely see the others think it is. Zidane keeps rubbing his arms, Garnet's teeth are chattering, and Vivi, despite his layers of clothing, is shivering. I couldn't care less about Steiner. Oh, snootiness, how I have missed thee.

"Alright. Settle down, Princess," Zidane groans, his breath turning into small clouds and dissipating with the wind. Oh yeah, it's definitely cold in here. Why don't I feel it then? I don't think I can contribute it to the weather of a Great Lakes state anymore. Perhaps something went wrong when I was brought here, aside from the whole Marcus/Ring thing. Also, I still have no idea how I came to be in Gaia.

We walk for about five minutes before encountering our first battle. These weird things with tusks and fur, that's the best description I can give since I really can't see much more of these things, decide to attack us. Two of them.

"Master Vivi, now!" Steiner shouts before facing the black mage. Vivi fumbles with his staff nervously before aiming it at Steiner. The knight's sword is suddenly coated with flames and Rusty charges at the furry tusk thing on the left. His magically enhanced sword slices through it, and the creature roars before falling over dead.

The other monster horns Garnet in the side, knocking her towards Zidane. He catches her in his arms and holds her as she cures herself. Meanwhile, I'm practically getting trampled by the thing. Huge feet that had previously been hidden by the curtain of fur are now crashing down around me, and it takes everything I have to keep from becoming a pancake. I doubt this kind of footwork has been seen since Kevin Bacon tried to teach that hick how to dance in Footloose.

"Help!" I cry as I weave in and out of columns of matted hair. This monster isn't very coordinated. Still, where is everyone? Steiner and Vivi already killed the other one, and Garnet should've finished with her magic by now. Also, I'm surprised I haven't slipped on the ice yet. "Aah!"

I think it was Laguna from FFVIII who said that if you think bad things will happen, then they will. You don't need me to tell you what happened, right? Wrong. I didn't slip on the ice, the monster slipped on the ice and fell right on top of me. If I'm not crushed to death by the behemoth on top of me, then I'm sure to be smothered by either the insane amount of fur or the suddenly noticeable odour this thing is giving off.

"I believe Rick is beneath the monster."

Ah, Garnet. Not only is she the future queen of Alexandria, she's also the current queen of stating the obvious. Hey, Lady! Quit talking and pull this mutated mammoth off me already. I can taste the fur on this thing, and it's not a pleasant flavour.

The whatever-the-heck-you-call-this-thing that has decided to make me the pea to its princess (why can't I escape that word?) is now struggling to stand up. Nothing comes close to this sensation. It's like a Britney Spears music video: uncomfortable in appearance, there's a lot of unintelligible screaming, and things are moving that I didn't even know existed. No, people this is not sex at a drive-in movie. This is me becoming the aforementioned pancake. At least this way I won't be the one cleaning up the mess on the floor.

"What should we do?" I hear someone say, even if it is muffled. Oh, I don't know, how about get this thing off of me? Now, people!

There's a sudden break in the pressure on my body as something causing the monster to jerk upward with an ear splitting shriek before it collapses on top of me. Is it just me, or is it heavier now?

"Heave!"

Heave? Are they going to pull it off me?

"Are you okay, Rick?" Vivi asks. Where have you been, you midget? This could have been avoided if Zidane wasn't flirting and you or Rusty was actually doing something!

I climb out from under the monster and everyone is staring at me. Looking back at the monster, I notice it is gushing a large amount of blood out of its side. That is so gross. All of that fur ruined, and I could've made a gorgeous coat out of it.

"Great, Cutie. I'm just great. What's an elephant crushing me, after all?" I mutter as I stand up and then slip and fall onto my butt. How graceful.

"Are you confident that you are well?" Garnet asks. Hmm, is there a reason I wouldn't be? Hey, leave me alone. I actually have a reason to be mad this time.

"How much further is it?" I huff in an angry attempt to change the subject.

"How much further is what?" Zidane asks as he bends over my head and looks down at me. Stupid Zidane. Doesn't even offer to help me up anymore. Do thieves know nothing of manners? I know they don't often use them, but that's no excuse. To think people told me that New Yorkers were rude.

"How much further is the exit?" I shriek in a very unbecoming way as I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck, nearly pulling him down as I pull myself up.

"Get off!" he cries as he paws at my hands and I tumble back onto my bottom. Everyone is in shock, completely unsure of how to react.

"Would someone help me up?" I shout indignantly as I slip on ice and gathering monster blood. This is so the grossest thing I've ever done. Changing diapers doesn't even begin to compare.

"Quit acting in an undignified manner, Richard," Steiner orders brusquely as he grabs my arm and jerks me to my feet. It's always going to be Richard with him, isn't it? And now my arm hurts.

So we set off with a lot of grumbling coming from me and eye rolls from Zidane and Steiner. I don't think Garnet or Vivi knows how to do that yet, which is weird. Maybe it's because neither of them really knows what to expect from the world. Garnet isn't frightened by Oglops, and Vivi plays with actions figures.

Everyone is still shivering, and they're noticing that I'm not. Don't ask how I know, I just do. I'll catch someone staring at me out of the corner of his eye (or her eye, in Garnet's case). Why can't I figure this out?

"Which way?" Zidane asks the group when we reach a fork in the "road." Really, it's little more than slightly packed down snow covering a layer of ice.

I know this part of the game, because to the left is a moogle trapped in ice, and to the right is a fight with the first Black Waltz and his pet sea lion. Why run headlong into uncertain death when we could help a fairy first? Hmm, something tells me that that's going to end up being a common theme on this journey.

"Let's go over there, Honey," I say, emphasizing my point by putting a hand on his arm and pointing in the direction of where I know the moogle was waiting to be rescued. Everyone seems to like the suggestion, but I suspect the roaring winds coming from Black Waltz centre might have something to do with that.

Yeah, there's a big ole moogle-cicle in the middle of this cavern-like room that is just as beautiful as the rest of Ice Cavern. The poor moogle is just staring at us with iced over eyes, and it just looks so huggable. If I ever get back to Earth, I'm going to one of those convention-things and buying a stuffed moogle. They're just so cute!

"Vivi, can you melt the ice?" Zidane asks him with a tussle of the mage's hat. Vivi readjusts his hat nervously and steps up to the block of ice.

"I-I th-think so," the little guy says nervously before placing his hands against the frozen water. A large flame flares up and quickly surrounds the entrapped moogle, melting down the ice and freeing the creature.

"Ouch! That hurt, you bastards!" the moogle screams when it gets free. So much bad language! Well, at least Square didn't get as curse happy in FFIX as it was in earlier games. Can you imagine Eiko rattling off obscenities like she was Cid Highwind? Well, I actually can, so just forget that. "Oh, I'm free! Thank you, kupo."

The moogle dances around, does a flip in the air, and lands on the ground in front of us.

"That's that, so now what?" I ask while avoiding the urge to grab the moogle and squeeze the life out of it via a hug. It's doubtful anyone else would like that, though. There's my bladder-challenged dog back home, for starters…

"Well, we're not getting out through here. There's only one way in and out of this place," Zidane ponders while looking around. "That means we have to go back and into the blizzard."

Blizzard? Was it really that cold out there? I take it from the sour looks on everyone's faces that it's a yes.

So much has happened since I woke up in Gaia, and none of it makes sense. The basic parts of the game are still there, but no one is following the details. None of the game dialogue has appeared, Marcus was petrified instead of Blank, and we have this ring on my finger instead of the map of the Mist Continent. Also, I still have no idea of how I even got here. At least I didn't get sucked into Resident Evil or Tomb Raider. As much as I love zombies, they scare me, and I doubt I'd look good in short shorts and a tube top with a pistol in each hand. Hey! That's a great idea for a Halloween costume, if I ever go home. Angelina Jolie, eat your heart out. Now all I need is Brad Pitt…

"Hey, Princess, is anyone in there?" Zidane asks while snapping his fingers in my face. My eyes travel the length of his arm, along his shoulder, and up to his face. I can't really read him, but I think he's… concerned? Why would he be concerned about me?

"Yeah, Honey, I'm great," I gush as a cover for what I'm really feeling. Something feels way off about this whole experience.

"Come, Rick, Zidane, we must depart," Garnet says with a wave of her hand. Steiner and Vivi have already left. I look down at the moogle who smiles up at me, and then I sigh and accompany Zidane and Garnet out of the cavern and into the main part of the, well, the cavern. There has to be a better word to describe the place where the moogle is, but I guess it doesn't matter since once you leave Ice Cavern you aren't allowed back in. Oh, believe me, I've played often enough to know that it starts to melt and becomes too "dangerous" to travel.

"So, Princess, why'd you decide to leave the castle?" Zidane asks while I'm looking at the way we have to go with absolute dread.

"I didn't," I tell him. "I just kind of got involved in this whole mess without trying to."

Zidane smacks me in the back of the head and I yelp, but it's ignored. That really hurt, you know. Where I come from, you don't hit people for answering the questions you ask them.

"Not you, her," Zidane says while pointing at Garnet. Great, he hit me because I wasn't the princess he wanted to talk to. It's your fault, monkey boy. You gave me the nickname "Princess."

Garnet kicks at a build-up of snow and doesn't answer right away. Of course, I already know the answer, but Zidane doesn't.

"Rumour has it that the queen is considering instigating war," I whisper in his ear.

"Really! Your mom is trying start a war?" Zidane shouts at Garnet. Idiot! There was a reason I whispered that to you.

"I do not wish to discuss it," she says with a hateful look in my direction. Don't look at me lady, he said it. Besides, your mom does start a war. Mine just tries to get me to do the dishes. So if you start acting all uppity, I'll scratch your eyes out and… where am I going with this?

Before anyone else can say anything, there's a very familiar sounding crash. The three of us look at each other and yell the same thing, "STEINER!"

We take off running, and I quickly fall behind. How does a girl a year younger than me and raised that she has to walk a certain way at all times manage to faster than me? Zidane I can understand, but Garnet is just wrong. Add in the facts that they're both freezing and I don't feel a thing, and I really think my gym teacher deserves to feel bad. I mean, my being lazy has nothing at all to do with my poor athletic skills. No way, it's all his fault. What? I'm not trying to put the blame on someone else where my own faults are concerned.

I hear Garnet scream, and by the time I catch up with her and Zidane, she's out cold at the edge of a cliff. My eyes catch Zidane's and he looks really worried. I walk over to the cliff and see it's only a five or so foot drop, but Steiner and Vivi are both unconscious at the bottom.

"Honey?" I say as I turn around and see Zidane stumbling towards me in the snow before crashing face first into the frozen cold. Please wake up, Zidane. There is no way I'm fighting a Black Waltz all by myself.

Even though I can't feel it, it is obviously very cold where we are. There's also a heavy wind, which I can feel. My face is suffering from windburn and my eyes are watering.

The sound of a bell rings out above the wind, and I finally shiver. I really don't want to do it, but something is telling me to continue onward. Why do I have to be the idiot who goes into the basement where the killer is, instead of running away and calling the cops? My feet, which are moving forward, aren't listening to me, though.

"Huh?" Zidane groans as I pass him. He reaches out and grabs my leg. "Princess? What's going on?"

"I heard something suspicious. Would you come check it out with me?" I ask before I realize what I'm saying. Great, now I really do have to go fight the Black Waltz. When will I learn to keep my mouth shut? Wow, now I know why my mom always yelled that at me. Bad, Rick! Bad!

I stick out a hand and Zidane takes it, almost pulling me down as I help him up. Well, this seems familiar. Aren't we just the most coordinated bunch of people ever?

"Do you hear a bell?" the thief yells at me over the wind. I nod and he looks at Garnet then back to me. "Do you think they'll be okay on their own?"

"They'll be fine, Honey," I shout back, completely unsure as to whether or not what I have said is true.

The snow crunches under our feet as we leave our comrades behind and walk towards the sound of the bell. Of course, I'm freaking out with each step and Zidane notices. He's not stupid, but he just ignores me. I'm not sure which is worse, the fight looming ahead of me or Zidane ignoring me. Wait, why do I even care? It's not like I'm even supposed to be here. Why couldn't I have gotten sucked into FFVIII? Then I would understand why I'm being ignored. Squall's just a jerk, but Zidane is supposed to be a nice guy.

"Why aren't you asleep?" a voice asks, snapping me out of my thoughts. What surprises me is that it is a very feminine voice. I look ahead and gasp.

What in Oprah's name is going on in this world? I'm not seeing a Black Waltz with its wings and little bell. Oh no, I just don't have that luck. What I am actually seeing is something far worse and more unexpected. Short, blonde, and dressed in a dark blue suit with a white shirt and a dark blue tie is Elena of the Turks. Yes, there is a Turk in FFIX instead of a Black Waltz. Does this mean that we're going to be fighting Sephiroth instead of Kuja? Is Shinra going to take over the Mist Continent instead of Alexandria? Is Yuffie going to join the party instead of Amarant? Actually, that last one wouldn't be so bad.

Still, when it comes down to it, this is seriously screwed up.

"The queen hired me to retrieve the princess, and that's just what I'm going to do," Elena informs us with a cold laugh. She raises her hands up into a fighting stance, and I see that she has bells on instead of cufflinks. Now that's not only tacky, that's just bad fashion. What was she thinking?

"You're going to have to get by us, first," Zidane replies as he pulls his Mage Mashers out of his pockets: the ones I gave him. Sorry, I just had to throw that in.

"No problem," Elena answers. Then she runs right at me and delivers a surprising spin kick to the side of my head. Ouch! That hurts even more than being crushed by a living toupee. Miss Kick Rick pushes off me and drives an elbow into Zidane's stomach. He huffs and falls onto his knees as I try to wipe stars from my eyes.

This isn't good, two hits and we're already down. Why couldn't it have been a Black Waltz?

"Wait…" Zidane says as he struggles to his feet. Elena had been on her way past us to pick up Garnet, and yours truly still can't see clearly. "You're not getting out of here that easily. I happen to be the infamous Zidane Tribal."

"Never heard of you," Elena says as she runs at the thief, who calls on his thief training to jump out of the way. Elena runs past him and stumbles face first into the snow. Well, at least she's still Elena. She stands up and turns towards Zidane who is bopping back and forth on his feet. The Turk screams and jumps over ten feet in the air before coming down at Zidane with her fists before her. Zidane jumps at her with his daggers held in front, the blades crossed in the shape of an "X."

They collide and fall backward to the snow, a small trail of red following both. Zidane stands up and holds his bloody knives out at his side, while Elena hops up and down while shaking her hands as the crimson liquid drips from her busted knuckles.

"That really, really hurt!" Elena cries before putting her left hand up to her mouth. Really, really hurt? You kicked me in the head! "You're going to regret that."

Elena runs at Zidane again, kicking him in the side and knocking him into me just as I manage to stand up. At least there's no sea lion, or else we'd already be dead. I do have one question as I push Zidane off of me and onto the cold, snow-covered ground: why is Elena here? Forgive me if I sound like a broken record, but it's a little shocking.

"Oh, I see how the useless one stayed awake," Elena said with a sneer while looking at me. I'm not useless, I'm just not a fighter. That really hurt. Now I'm going to have to get ugly.

"I'm useless? Fine, but at least I'm not some retarded bimbo with poor posture and split-ends, not to mention yellow fingernails and a botched dye job. You are so obviously not a real blonde," I spit with all the venom I can muster. Oh yeah, kitty has claws. Meow, baby, meow.

"What was that?" Zidane asks me in shock. Elena is in an even worse state of disbelief.

I laugh and turn my back on Elena in a grandiose style reminiscent of Joan Collins. Yeah, she's not worth my time, that Elena.

"You want a piece of me?" I hear Elena scream before a fist connects with the back of my head. Ow, this is complete and utter crap! Why isn't Zidane protecting me? She says I'm the useless one.

"You do not want to mess with me, girly," I shriek as I painfully whirl around and grab a handful of Elena's hair. Screams emanate from the Blonde as I pull on her follicles with all the strength I have. With my recent history, I'm surprised I can even make her whimper.

"Get off!" Elena shouts as she punches me in the face. It hurts like a neon orange shirt, but I manage to hang on. Would you do something already, Zidane? "You and your stupid ring!"

My what? Caught off guard by what she says, I'm unprepared for the kick to my gut and fly through the air. Painfully, I land on the ground and bounce somewhat. During all of this, Zidane makes another leap for Elena but she meets him with a right hook that makes his head snap back. Ouch, and I thought I was in pain.

Elena's words concerning a ring causes me to glance at my hand through the black eye that I know I'm getting. The madain ring Marcus had given Zidane is glowing. Why didn't I notice it before? Is this ring why I haven't felt any cold, and why I didn't fall asleep when the others did? Something is going on here. This is way too convenient with my showing up in Gaia. I have to have something to do with Elena's being here, but I have no idea what.

Rough hands grab the neck of my shirt and hoist me off the ground so that I'm face to face with Elena. Eww, she really should do something about those clogged pores. I'm surprised she's not broken out with acne yet.

"Do you know what I wanted to be when I was a little girl?" she asks me sadistically. I can't breathe too well, but that won't cut off my smart mouth.

"If the suit means anything," I wheeze with a smirk, "then you probably wanted to be a little boy."

"Die!" she screams as she effortlessly throws me across the expanse of where we are. I thought getting smacked by the Plant Brain was bad, but this is ridiculous. Elena shouldn't even be here. Then again, neither should I, but that's neither here nor there.

I collide with Zidane yet again, and I hope he doesn't get upset by the fact that my elbow crashed into his nose. It was an accident, I swear! There's no way I'd still want revenge for the whole Evil Forest poop thing. No way at all. Heh heh…

"Ow…" I mutter as I climb to my knees and look at Elena. Her eyes are wide and her mouth is open. If only I had a baseball, then I'd probably have it fall harmlessly to the ground three feet away from her as well. A carny's life is not the life for me.

"What is wrong with you?" she asks while pointing at something behind me. I turn around and see that Zidane is now an odd pink colour that is surprisingly pretty. If I could capture it in a bottle, I'd dye this hideous shirt I'm wearing to a more bearable colour. What? Fashion is just as important as surviving a fight with a Turk. If you don't believe me, ask Meryl Streep. I really wanted to see The Devil Wears Prada before I came to this place.

Zidane has gone into Trance mode, that has to be it. I mean, what else could it be?

This large wave of flames suddenly appears behind Zidane as he crosses one dagger over the other. I mean, this thing is huge. It completely and utterly dwarves everyone here. People have said I'm flaming, but this is ridiculous.

The thief releases all of that power onto Elena at once. Large flames wash over me, but I don't feel a thing. Is he controlling his power, or is the ring protecting me again? I'm going with controlling his power, because I don't want to think that Zidane finds me expendable already. We did just meet, but I'd like to think of us as friends.

Fire comes into contact with a very shocked Elena and she goes flying into the air. She twists through the air and lands with a splash in a small pond nearby. I hadn't noticed it before. Maybe it was iced over and melted with Zidane's attack. Whatever the cause, I don't see her resurfacing.

"Let's go check on the others," Zidane says as he goes back to his normal colours and puts his daggers back into his pockets. Then he smiles. "It's actually starting to feel warm in here."

"You go on ahead, I need to think about some things," I tell him as I look up at the ceiling. Water drips onto my face causing me to sputter. Yeah, this place really is melting. Guess I don't have time to ruminate after all. something tells me that Zidane is probably to blame.

We leave together, but Zidane is slightly ahead of me. One last time I look back and see a hand come out of the water. Something tells me that this isn't the last we've seen of her.

"You haven't done anything to the princess, have you?" I hear a familiar rusty knight yell. Wonderful, I forgot all about this part of the game. It's just as disturbing as the spanking scene in FFVIII. Do kids really need to think that the hero might have been molesting his love interest? That's just wrong.

"He couldn't have done anything," I interject before things can go too far. I lean against Zidane, crossing my left leg over my right and my arms over my chest. Looking cool, Rick. You are so smooth. "He was with me. Weren't you, Honey?"

Steiner's mouth drops open and he just stares at Zidane and I with utter shock. Why? Did I say something wrong?

"You… and… but you're both…" he manages before things go bad once more.

"No way!" Zidane screams as he jumps away from. Let me give you a lesson on physics: if you're leaning against something and it moves, you move as well. In my case, I fall directly into the snow. Because of the ring I don't feel the cold, but I do feel the impact of me and the ground. The look on Garnet's face is absolute humour, but Vivi clearly doesn't get it. Oh, happy day.

"Allow me to help," Garnet says as she grabs my bruised arm. Yeah, Elena really did a number on me. when I wince, Garnet notices and pulls her rod out of somewhere and heals me. Okay, so now I'm not injured. That doesn't mean my pride's not wounded though. Does Steiner really think I'm so slutty that I'd just jump into bed with Zidane? I wouldn't kick him out, but that's something else entirely. Bah, what does it even matter? From Zidane's reaction just now, it'll probably never happen, not that it bothers me.

"Okay guys, let's get out of this place," Zidane says with a grin. "We do still have to get to Lindblum, after all."

"We are not going to Lindblum!" Steiner screams in that Steiner way of his. "We are returning to Alexandria! Princess, I insist you leave this gutter trash behind and accompany me back to the castle!"

Trash? Why am I trash? Didn't I just save his big Rusty butt from Elena? Oh, wait, Zidane helped, too.

"Trash?" Zidane sounds outraged. Wonderful, here we go again.


	5. Chapter 5

Sunlight. It seems like I haven't seen it in months, but it's only been a few hours. Also, there's no Mist. I can see Dali off in the distance, and the mountain where Morrid, the old coffee guy, lives is also visible.

"Hey, there's a village up ahead!" Zidane shouts excitedly. From the sound of his voice, you'd think he got a preview of the new fall line. "Maybe we can get to Lindblum from there."

"How?" I ask with a sigh even though I already know. We're going to steal the airship, fight more Black Waltzes, blah, blah, blah. What really bothers me about this is the whole Vivi thing. When I was his age, I was watching cartoons and being forced to play little league baseball by my father. Sure, it was traumatic, but nothing like what the poor kid is going to go through. What is having fat people living through their kids and yelling at the other team on the field compared to wondering if you were made by a fat person who is trying to kill her daughter?

"Perhaps we can find a way to return to Alexandria from there," Steiner exclaims loudly. Geez, this guy yells more than Bill O'Reilly. Have I mentioned I hate Bill O'Reilly? It's not just the fact that he's on FOX News, but he's incredibly arrogant amongst other things. Reminds me of Dr. Phil. Maybe I should get off this tangent. I could go all day. Apparently Steiner can, too, because he's still talking. "…then these two pieces of filth will be properly punished."

Zidane and I eye Steiner maliciously. After everything we went through in Ice Cavern, he still acts like a complete and utter jerk. If I weren't afraid they'd break, I would so use my Manicured Claws of Death to rip him a new one. They're a little tender after the whole grabbing-Elena's-hair thing.

"Hey, Gorgeous," I call out in an attempt to stop the ensuing battle between Zidane and Steiner. "What are we going to do when we get to the village? We can't exactly refer to you by name, since we're on the run from your ma and all."

Everyone's attention is once more focused on yours truly, and Zidane even mouths "Ma?" in confusion. Steiner looks about ready to explode, which isn't all that unusual, but Garnet is in deep thought.

"Silence, Richard!" Steiner yells. I feel my eye twitch angrily as I restrain the urge to bury my nails in his face. Wow, since coming to Gaia I've become a much more violent person. I'm pulling Elena's hair and (unsuccessfully) clawing Zidane, and it's only been two days. Two days? Feels like I've been here for a lot longer.

"It's Rick!" I scream at the top of my lungs. Strong hands grab my shoulders in a pre-emptive measure to make sure I don't wail away on Steiner for the three seconds it'll take for him to recover from the initial shock and beat me to a bloody pulp.

"Calm down, Princess," Zidane says loudly as he pushes me back and steps up to Steiner on my behalf. At least, I assume that's what he's doing. He could be getting ready to ask for extra ketchup packets because there weren't enough with his order. Don't ask me why I said that, I'm just really hungry right now. Salty fries made by teenagers with faces just as greasy as my slices of potato sounds really good. Wow, I spelled P-O-T-A-T-O correctly. Heh, stupid Dan Quayle.

Rather than following my ketchup theory, which would've been incredibly bizarre had it actually happened, Zidane is actually trying to explain to Rusty why Garnet needs to adopt a pseudonym. Ooh, big word. Why does that amuse me?

"Silence!" Steiner shouts, pushing Zidane. The monkey-boy is about to fall off the side of the mountain. He's flailing around and trying to regain his balance. I know I should feel sorry for him, but it's his own fault. He knows Steiner is a violent maniac, so why would he stand so close to a cliff? Men. They're idiots, I tell you. Wait a minute…

One of Zidane's daggers falls out of a pocket and clatters to the ground, right at Garnet's feet. She bends over and picks it up, the sunlight catching on the metal and temporarily blinding yours truly. I hold up a hand to block the reflection of light.

"Zidane, what do you call this?" Garnet asks curiously. This is getting ridiculous. She doesn't even know what a dagger is. Would someone tell me how Square even thought it believable that a person could be this naïve?

"Princess, be careful!" Steiner exclaims nervously. Watch out Garnet, you may just end up killing yourself while standing still and looking at a piece of sharpened metal.

"That's a dagger," the thief explains after regaining his balance. He scratches his behind and continues on his guided tour of the weapons of Gaia. "Short swords are a bit longer, and what Rusty here has is called a broadsword."

Steiner goes irate at this and starts yelling at Zidane for something or other. I yawn and stretched, still exhausted from my fight with Elena. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Vivi observing the whole scene rather thoughtfully. That's odd. Usually he's playing or trying to be the centre of attention. Perhaps this has something to do with the whole Elena thing. Speaking of that, what exactly is going on? Will we have to fight the other Turks? This is seriously screwed up. I know I'm droning on and on about this, but it's seriously freaking me out. There's still no explanation for why I'm here. Broken record, I know. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Did I mention blah?

"Dagger…" Garnet mutters so low that I can barely hear her. The incredible screaming duo hears her as well, but the looks on their faces give away the fact that they don't know what she said. I cock an eyebrow in amusement because I know what's coming.

"What is it, Princess?" Steiner asks, and he's definitely not talking to me. Stupid Zidane and his stupid nickname. This will probably be the only time through this whole thing that I won't be confused as to whom people are talking about. "Has being with these imbeciles finally caused you concern?"

Imbeciles? He's obviously run out of insults regarding our (meaning Zidane and I) class. Now he's moved on to insulting our intelligence. I could make a George Bush or another Dan Quayle joke, but something tells me that would be in bad taste.

"My name is now Dagger," she says with conviction. I would've gone with something like Chantel or Yvonne, but I guess even a princess can have a momentary lapse in inventiveness.

"Dagger, huh?" Zidane nods. He takes his weapon back from the girl newly christened as Dagger and shifts his eyes from the blade to the princess. "I like it."

"It's great!" Vivi finally speaks up. The other three look around until they realize the black mage is still with us. How could they forget the utterly cute powerhouse that's been traveling with us?

"I appreciate your approval," Dagger says happily. Wow it's weird to say that after so much of Garnet this and Garnet that…

My enthusiastic response to the name change is interrupted by a sneeze. I guess I do still have allergies here, the Mist must've just dampened them or something. Everyone looks at me oddly. Haven't they ever seen someone sneeze before?

"What is wrong with you?" Zidane inquires as everyone backs away from me. My eyes are starting to water because of those stupid allergens and I absentmindedly wipe the moisture from my face. Unfortunately, Dagger (it's so hard to remember to call her that!) thinks I'm upset for some reason and awkwardly approaches me. I sneeze again and she stops, probably to consider running away, before continuing on her quest to Mt. Rick or whatever the heck she thinks I am. Then everyone's favourite princess pulls me into a hug, an incredibly awkward hug since neither one of us knows what is going on, but it's a hug nonetheless. Clueless, I look around and catch Zidane's eye. He's actually frowning and has his arms crossed over his chest. He's jealous because I'm hugging Dagger? What's the big deal?

"Are you upset?" Dagger whispers in my ear. It tickles and I giggle as I remove her hands from around my neck. She looks confused, but it's taking everything I have to keep from laughing in her face as I realize what's going on.

"It's just allergies," I get out before doing this weird giggle/sneeze thing that sounds like a pig's snort. My companions exchange worried looks before concentrating all eight eyes on me.

"What are allergies, Rick?" Vivi asks. He walks right up to me and starts circling my legs. He sees a random flower, I'm surprised anything can grow up here if truth be told, and picks it. The little kid holds the blossom up to me and asks the most ironic question I think I've ever heard. "Is this an allergy?"

"No," I answer with a smile as I take the flower from him. It's a daisy. At least there's something familiar here. "Allergies are just things that make people sneeze and their eyes water. It's not that big a deal."

Everyone seems happy to accept that explanation, so we start down the side of the mountain. It's a rough walk. Rocks block our path and we have to help each other climb over them when we can't walk around. Cliffs tend to screw people over like that.

As soon as we make it down to flat ground, I'm out of breath. Everyone is staring at me. Something tells me this will end up being commonplace. I'm still sneezing my head off and my nose is stuffed up. Don't ask me how it's possible for those to be happening at the same time, because I only took high school biology. Maybe I'll ask Dr. Tot when (or if) we ever go to Treno. Then again, maybe it won't. Nobody here seemed to know what allergies were, if Dagger's reaction was any indication.

"You are positive that you are well?" Dagger asks again. I nod and give a feeble wave. No need to worry the others about something that nobody can do anything about anyway, right?

"Aww, you're worried about me!" I gush suddenly before pulling the princess into another hug. Steiner looks like he's going to kill me, but I'm not too worried. He's wanted to kill me ever since I woke up on those stairs in Alexandria. All I have to do is turn the conversation over to Zidane and I'm completely forgotten. Wow. Already, a routine has been established. Rick, you may just be getting used to this place.

Gingerly, Dagger pats my back and I'm forced to let her go. Really forced. Steiner grabs me by the neck of my chain mail shirt and throws me away like I'm the latest straight-to-DVD teen movie sequel. Now I know how Cruel Intentions 2 feels. Sorry, but even I have to agree that that movie had nothing on Sarah Michelle Gellar making out with another chick. Now if only there was a movie where Freddie Prince Jr. made out with another guy…

"Apologize to the Princess, you heathen!" Steiner cries in his typical rage. Oh, and now I'm a heathen. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I have been outed as an evil person who is not a Christian. Unless Christianity isn't the main religion here on Gaia. It's probably something ridiculous like Eikoism or Scientology. That's right Tom, I said it's ridiculous. Now you just have to figure out a way to get into a videogame so you can tell me that you know everything about psychiatry and that I'm just another uneducated moron like Matt Lauer. When you get here, though, tell me how you did it so that I can figure out how to go home.

Okay, random rant against a celebrity aside, I still have a very angry knight to deal with. Apparently becoming a traitor doesn't put you in a favourable light with one of the leaders of the military of the country you've officially turned against. Oy vey.

"Whatever for?" I ask in an adopted Audrey Hepburn-esque accent as I pose for an invisible camera. You know, the one she used in My Fair Lady. So fancy.

Steiner looks like one of those guys on the wrestling shows, all big and intimidating. He won't actually do anything to me, though. Besides, I know he has nothing on Elena.

"You defiled her!" the sword wielding maniac screams at me before turning back to Dagger. She looks about as scared as I should be. "Princess! Did he touch you inappropriately?"

Did I what? Okay, listen here Adelbert, I would never do that to a woman. Unless you count the play, but that was just good acting. Everyone back home thought I was a good actor. I really wish I were home. What if I never do go back, but instead end up spending the rest of my life in this place. There're so many things I'll never get to experience or find out. Will I graduate from high school? Will the Middle East ever achieve peace? Will Meredith choose the Vet or McDreamy?

"He did not," Dagger vouches in my defence. She could've spiced it up, but it'll do. "Rick would never do that. Would you?"

"Nope, no way," I answer as I stand up. "Zidane is our resident pervert, not me. Aren't you, Honey?"

Zidane's face is caught between shock and pride. Hmm, he kind of reminds me of my brother right now. The idiot would celebrate his perversion. I'm being serious. He and his friends actually sit around and brag about who's thought of doing what to whom when they were in the shower. Some of their descriptions would make even Ron Jeremy shudder.

"Princess," the thief directs to me, in case you haven't caught on by now, "if anyone here is a pervert, it's you."

Me? A pervert? Now why would anyone ever think that? Heh heh heh…

"Please, I would never do anything that would lead to me being branded as a 'pervert'," Rick told Zidane before flashing a grin to Dagger. Yes, Rick just referred to himself in the third person. If Rick wishes to do so, then Rick will. Rick is a very complex person. I'm going to stop now. Roseanne Barr is starting to seem sane compared to me.

"Rick, you kissed me onstage in front of thousands of people," Dagger states. Steiner begins to shout obscenities at this, and Zidane claps his hands over Vivi's ears. The knight even draws his sword and starts waving it about in a threatening manner. In a show of my incredible manliness, I crouch behind Dagger and cover my head with my hands. So macho. I remember having done something like this before; I wonder if anyone else does.

"Mr. Steiner," I hear a new voice say. Well, not exactly a new voice, but a new one to the conversation. Peering around Dagger's legs, I see Vivi standing beside, and looking up at, Steiner. Zidane, on the other hand, is looking from the black mage to his hands in utter bewilderment. It's almost as though he doesn't know how Vivi got away.

"Yes, Master Vivi?"

Vivi giggles and looks in my direction. This can't be good. "At the play, I saw Rick kiss Zidane, too."

If looks could kill, that nine-year-old would be six feet underneath the ground. A mature person should not think like that, I know, but a mature person would not be playing Final Fantasy IX. Final Fantasy VII or VIII, yes, but not IX. Actually, I wish I'd woken up in the land of Sorceresses and gunblades instead of Gaia. I mean, IX isn't even my favourite game. Besides, who would want Zidane when you have Squall and Nida available? Yeah, I'm a Nida fanboy. Pilots are just so sexy. Gripping the controls so hard that their knuckles turn white, muscles straining when they pull back on the steering device to prevent a crash, sweat glistening on their foreheads as they breathe heavily while I run my hand along their flat stomachs and… Oh yeah, Zidane is definitely the pervert of the group.

Before anyone can say more, though, we have one of those earth shaking moments. Think Jurassic Park and the glass of water rippling. Small pebbles are literally bouncing as much as an inch off the ground. Everyone is looking around in shock and confusion. We have no idea where this "thing" is, or even what it is. With my luck, it's probably a T-Rexaur or a Grand Dragon. Life just likes to screw me over like that.

"Aah!" Dagger screams and everyone looks at her. There is a giant spider looming over her, and it's about four times taller than Steiner. It's purple and has a red hourglass on its stomach. A giant black widow. That's what it is.

After the initial shock, I begin to scream my head off, and I make Dagger's cry sound like Brad Garret. Seriously, I've made my dog with the broken bladder explode in a flash of urine before while watching Day of the Dead.

"What was that?" Zidane shouts at me after withdrawing his daggers. He adopts a stance where he holds one of the blades parallel to his chest and the other at his side.

I don't answer because I'm freaking out. There is a giant spider that's about to attack us. A giant spider! I used to chase them around my room with a vacuum cleaner just because there should not be things with more than four legs. First killer dandelions, and now spiders that dwarf elephants. Mother nature hates me with a passion. This is her revenge for all those years of throwing my Popsicle sticks onto the ground instead of in a trashcan. Stupid ice cream companies and their delicious frozen treats.

Something tells me that I should be on some kind of medication. Where is Ritalin when I need it?

While I'm standing there contemplating the various ways in which I have ticked off Mother Earth (or, in this case, Mother Gaia), the freakishly gigantic spider is going on a rampage against my comrades. Vivi is whacked with a leg and the arachnid leans down to bite Steiner's sword arm. Fortunately, Steiner's rusty armour actually manages to protect him. I think the only person not surprised is Steiner himself. Perhaps the rust is just a trick to throw opponents off. Well, no matter why it's there, rust is still incredibly ugly.

Zidane leaps into action, slashing and stabbing at the legs of the monster with his daggers since he's too short to reach the head or abdomen. Dagger, on the other hand, is running around trying to heal the others. Considering Vivi is the only one who's actually been hit, it doesn't appear to be too difficult. I'm just standing there in shock, though. I have no clue of how to fight this thing. I have no clue of how to fight period.

"Would you do something?" Zidane shouts in my direction rather angrily. He takes a swipe one of the eight legs before staring me down. Believe me, if I could do something I would. It's not like I want to be useless. I'm just not a fighter.

"Do what?" I cry back as I try to avoid getting stepped on by the spider. This absolutely sucks. No magic, no weapon, no way to defend myself. At least with Elena I could insult her sense of style. What can I say to a giant spider? "That colour of skin makes you look absolutely appalling. Don't you know that purple is a fall colour? It's the middle of spring!"

"Rick?" Dagger's voice floats to my ears and I look around to see her kneeling by Vivi. She has a questioning face. Please tell me I did not give my spider-colour rant out loud.

The sound of rushing wind drowns out anything else she can say. Then, a second after hearing it, I feel it: "it" being one of the many legs on the violet bringer of violence. Clever, huh? I would say more, but seeing as how we're engaged in battle and I'm flying through the air, talking just seems a tad inappropriate. Oh, and painful. Extremely painful. The only thing that hurts more than this is watching a Paris Hilton music video. Really now, she's only famous for a poorly filmed sex video and acting like a stereotypical dumb blonde.

Until now, I'd forgotten that we were on a cliff. Now that I'm about to go over it, I remember. Really long fall, cold Mist, and a crash ending. Not the best way to die by any means. It's still better than how Aeris bit the bullet in Final Fantasy VII, though. The first time I played the game and reached that cut scene… let's just say I'm glad my dog hadn't developed her bladder thing yet. Okay, I'm done with bladder jokes for now.

Just before I go over the edge, someone grabs my arm and pulls me to safety. A tail brushes against my arm as I'm pulled into an embrace. Whoever saved me is holding me from behind. One arm is across my chest diagonally, starting under my right arm and the attached hand is gripping my left shoulder. The other is wrapped around my waist. Hot breath brushes against my neck and I have to fight the urge to shiver.

"Are you okay, Princess?" Zidane whispers in my left ear, tickling the sensitive flesh with a warm exhalation. Fighting the smile growing on my face, I relax into his arms and look out onto the horizon.

Dusk is settling across Gaia. The sun is setting and the sky is tinged with hues of red, yellow, and every colour in between. The Mist rises as high as a few dozen feet below the verge of the land. Reflected on the Mist is the aura of the sky above, only more muted in some places and more lustrous in others. Yellows are a golden vapour, red is a series of crimson clouds, and the occasional streak of pink is a swirling, cottony gathering of tulip petals.

"I'm fine, Honey," I whisper back as I push all thoughts out of my head except for the moment at hand. "Just fine."

Then a woman, I'm assuming Dagger, screams. My view of the horizon suddenly shifts to a plain ole view of the sky. Oh, did I mention that Zidane runs off and I fall unceremoniously onto my back? Well, I do. It hurts. It really hurts. Slowly rolling onto my stomach, I look to see just what caused my "hero" to run off.

The spider is still fighting, with Steiner and Vivi simultaneously attacking with sword and magic. Zidane is now saving Dagger from entombment by hacking away at a grey substance with his daggers. Dagger was sprayed with the spider's webbing. Isn't that supposed to slow people down? Since when does it stop them completely? This whole difference-between-playing-the-game-and-living-the -game thing is driving me crazy. At least Zidane is still all over Dagger. Why else drop me like a hot potato to run after her? Great, now my eyes are watering again. Stupid allergies…

While I'm wiping my eyes, the fight ends when Vivi casts Blizzard (when did he learn Blizzard?) on Steiner's sword and the unhappy-go-lucky knight manages to somehow jab his sword into the abdomen of the spider. A shower of blood, entrails, and other gore rains down on Rusty and I have to look away to keep from vomiting. That is just NASTY! He had better wash that stuff off. If he doesn't… He's going to wash it. There are no other options. Either he scrubs it off or I will. I may not be a violent person by nature, but if it comes down to it I will hold that man down and wipe off every trace of spider guts and/or rust. Rust I can live with, but the rest is just something that not even George Romero would approve of.

"Ow," I audibly complain as I stand up. Getting smacked around by a gargantuan spider plus Zidane dropping me equals minor to mild aches. This is getting ridiculous. I'm the Daphne of the group. Completely useless and always in trouble. As an added bonus, I get smacked around by the plant and animal kingdoms. This has been a bad couple of days. Two days? It feels like a lifetime! What's next, getting the crap beaten out of me by a Mu while Zidane and Dagger have sex next to my prone body? Probably not. Dagger's too classy for that. Zidane on the other hand, it wouldn't surprise me if he tried to get to second base with some anonymous gal at his own grandmother's funeral. I know he doesn't have a grandmother, but I'm just stating the obvious.

"Are you well, Rick?" Dagger asks when I stumble over to the others. By this time my allergies are in overdrive and I'm sniffling more than a cokehead, so of course I sneeze before I can answer her.

"You know, Dagger," Zidane says as he removes the last of the web from her feet and offers her a hand. She grabs it and the thief hauls her to her feet as Vivi and Steiner approach us. Somehow, the nastiness that was on Steiner's armour is gone despite the fact that I can still see the arachnid's carcass. Oh, and he still has the rust. I curse the rust like I'm Richard Pryor when he was still doing Hyne knows what. Hyne? Oops, wrong video game reference. Now I'm going to look like a complete and utter moron. Oh yeah, Zidane's still talking. "We should do something about your speech if you want to blend in."

"In what way?" she ponders. I don't know, how about not saying 'in what way?'

"Just ask yourself 'what would Vivi and Rick say?' before you speak," the tailed hero of the tale advises. Then he scratches his behind thoughtfully and amends his previous statement. "Scratch that, just go with Vivi."

What's wrong with how I speak? I happen to like my voice just fine, with it's Ben Stein-meets-Elton John stylization. I may not have people winning my money or a bunch of hit singles, but that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me. He's just jealous. That's it. He wishes he had my powers of enunciation.

"Princess!" Steiner exclaims, clanking the rest of the way to our little gathering. He pushes Zidane out of the way and checks the young woman over for damage. Finding none, he rounds on Zidane and me. A large vein in his forehead is throbbing uncontrollably, and he looks even angrier than usual. The last time he was like this was when I gave my resignation. "Richard! Why didn't you protect the princess?"

I'm already fighting the urge to go off on Zidane about the whole butt scratching thing. Now I have to deal with this raving lunatic again. Isn't it enough that Elena beat me up? Now I have to explain why I was about to fall to my death instead of making sure Dagger didn't get dirty. Also, I somehow developed the urge to strangle Steiner. I wonder what could have brought that on.

"What's that?" Vivi interrupts just before I start on my usual tirade about my name. I'm acting like Prince with the whole symbol thing, except I'm sane.

"What's what?" I look around but see nothing. The black mage points to something in the distance. I wipe my eyes once more and try to see what he's pointing to. Just barely, I can see a light in the distance at the base of a mountain. Where Morrid lives. This is great. Maybe we can get some rest or something. Just no coffee. Nobody in this group needs caffeine. We're all insane enough without the chemical happiness. Plus, coffee just never tasted that good to me. I prefer a warm cup of tea with a hint of honey.

"You think anyone lives there?" Zidane asks as he slaps a hand on my back. I sneeze and nod in agreement. Someone lives there, all right. An old man who is to coffee what Shannon Doherty was to bitchiness. She could've changed by now. I guess.

After ignoring Steiner and coming to a mutual consensus, Zidane, Vivi, Dagger, and I head off to Morrid's. The knight clanks after us, shouting insults concerning my ancestors being little more than drunks, thieves, and prostitutes. Am I supposed to be offended by something that's probably true? We do originate from Scotland, after all.

I notice Zidane doesn't get a mention at all. This is so absolutely unfair. Why am I the sole target of Steiner's undeserved anger?

"So," I say over Steiner's eternal ranting. "Does anyone know what we're going to do when we get to that town?"

Zidane and Dagger look perplexed, obviously not having thought this through. Vivi's too busy laughing at what Steiner is yelling to have heard me. Steiner is too in love with his own voice to listen to me. I know what should happen, but that doesn't mean it's going to. Not even halfway through the first disk, and there have already been more things changed than Seth Green's hair colour did on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

"Should we not stay at the local inn?" Dagger wonders. Surprisingly, Steiner is still going. He's moved on from my lineage to my future in a festering pit of flames and eternal torture. Apparently Gaia has a hell, too. I wonder if Steiner knows that I've heard all of this schlock before.

Again we're interrupted by a monster. Geez, what's with all of the broken conversation? It's almost as though someone has scripted all of this and just doesn't know how to move from one topic to another. Or maybe the game programmer in the sky set it up like this. How should I know?

"I want ore," the creature says. It's a Mu, but at the same time it's not. Mus are these crazy-eyed squirrel things with violet fur, but this one looks even more out of it and has brown fur. Plus, it can talk. Monsters aren't supposed to be able to talk. If I remember right, the only ones that can talk are the friendly monsters and those weird cat things by Dagguero that act like they're friendly monsters.

"Stay back, Dagger," Zidane warns as he draws out the weapon the girl named herself after. Dagger should stay back? Why shouldn't Rick stay back? Rick is the one that doesn't have a weapon, not Dagger. Stupid, horny teenagers with their horniness.

Meanwhile, the Mu begins bouncing on its feet and slapping the ground with its tail while repeating the same three words over and over.

"Zidane, wait," I order forcefully. Steiner stops yelling and everyone looks at me oddly. Gee, I wonder how often this will happen. "Do you have any ore?"

The bandit reaches puts both blades in his right hand and reaches into his pocket with his left. When it comes out, there's a dirty, black rock in it that looks like coal. At least some things haven't changed. I think. Coal is a type of ore back on Earth, right? Whatever. There are more important things to worry about.

"So now what do I do?" Zidane asks with a roll of his eyes. Cautiously, I grab the ore and chuck it at the Mu, hitting it right between the eyes. The creature doesn't care as it grabs the nugget and starts chomping on it. Something is actually eating coal. The game never showed that. Then again, the game didn't show a lot of things. What were the friendly monsters supposed to do with the ore, anyway. The other Final Fantasies from the PSX console (VII and VIII) would probably have been a lot easier, since you don't go planet hopping and the technology is much more similar to what I lived with. Also, the closest I would've come to a nutcase strong enough to destroy a planet would've been Sephiroth, who has to rely on Meteor to do that. They didn't have coal eating monsters or heroes with tails flirting with anything that has two legs and large breasts. Am I rambling again? Sorry.

"Thank you. Tell Mr. Ghost I said hi!" Then the Mu jumps into the air and vanishes in a puff of smoke. Weird. Aren't the friendly monsters supposed to run away? Again, I blame the game's inaccuracies.

"I want it!" Vivi shouts before running to the spot where the Mu had once stood. Lying on the ground is a bangle made out bronze with several intricate carvings, and it has two spherical slots on it. Well, since there isn't such a thing as AP here, they have to leave something else behind. Vivi might as well take it, since it won't do anyone any good. It does look nice, though.

"How bizarre," Dagger mutters quietly. "I have never heard of such a thing occurring. Monsters do indeed leave behind items when they die, but not in this manner."

Hey, Dagger knows stuff. Perhaps she will be of some use beyond healing. Now we just have to find something for me to do. Perhaps fashion consultant for the real heroes. Everyone needs to know that they have no taste, except for Freya. She makes the whole weathered and worn traveler look work somehow. Oh, and Beatrix. That woman definitely knows how to dress. The main thing to do, though, is find out if Gaia actually has anything worth wearing. For all I know, Beatrix makes her own outfits.

"This says something," Vivi chimes as he brings the bangle to Steiner. The knight looks down and takes the jewellery, holding it as though it were crystal.

"To the one on his way home," Steiner reads an inscription on the inside. He looks at Dagger with bright eyes and a huge grin. "Princess! It is a sign! You are to return to Alexandria!"

"Oh please," I say with a wave of my hand. This is getting out of hand. Steiner really only does have two things on his mind: getting Dagger back to Brahne and killing Zidane and me. I mean, isn't that basically what he does throughout the whole first disk? Scream, yell, attack, and insult Zidane while trying to trick Dagger into going back to the castle. "It says 'on his way home.' Dagger is not a he. Dagger is a she. It can't be for her."

The knight looks angry as he comes to a bitter realization. I am right. Woo! Go, Rick! You got him. You got him. It's your birthday. It's your birthday. Okay, I'll stop now.

Zidane is oddly silent as he eyes the bangle. Either his thievery instincts are kicking in and he wants to steal it, or there's something else going on. My money is on something else. I really should have paid more attention to the small details when I played the game. This is going to bug me until either I remember or it comes up. Knowing me it'll be the latter. A coked-up Courtney Love has a better memory than me.

Actually, now that I think about it, that bangle could be mine. I'm trying to figure out how to get home, after all. "Um, I think that's mine."

"Why?" Zidane asks rather ferociously. Whoa, calm down buddy. You're not an environmentalist, and I'm not an SUV. There is absolutely no need for you to act like you want to set me on fire.

"Who gave the thing the ore? Me. I did. So who else should be able to claim it?"

"How about the one who owned the ore?" the thief responds. How do I explain that? Why does he even care? I never would have picked Zidane to be the type to appreciate the wonders of jewellery.

Three of the four look at me expectantly. Vivi has gotten bored and is now kicking rocks off the cliff. I swear, that kid has ADD or something. Dagger is just curious, Steiner is probably trying to decide which of the two of us he hates the least, and Zidane looks like he can't decide if he should continue with the debate or just give up. No man, tailed or not, can come between Rick and his love of shiny objects. It just feels right talking about myself in the third person. Maybe I should do it from now on. Nah, it'd just make me appear even more insane than I already am, which is a hard thing to do. Can the wonderful Liza Minelli do anything to appear more larger-than-life? Exactly. I'm nuts, and Liza is absolutely fabulous. Come to think of it, I loved the show Absolutely Fabulous. You know, the one with the two British women and their drug-fueled antics. One was blonde and the other, if I remember correctly, was either a brunette or a redhead. Sometimes I just can't tell the difference. They probably just started out as shade variations of the same hair colour, but, eventually, enough time and inbreeding (What? It started in Europe…) occurred to make each one its own distinct hair colour.

I think I said somewhere along the line that I have a short attention span?

"Fine, Honey, if wearing a bangle is what you want," I concede when I realize I can't counter his claim, "then the thing is all yours. It would look much better on me though, since I have a fairer skin tone and thus it would have a greater contrast. But if you want to wear such a thing, go ahead."

He looks about ready to explode, but Zidane does take the bangle. When he tries to slip it on, though, it won't fit. The thief even tries to force it on. With a defeated sigh, the metal armlet is tossed to me. I remove the wrist and slip on the bangle. This looks much better than some piece of rope, if I must say. Yes, I absolutely must say it. It looks wonderful on me, reflecting the red light of the setting sun and all.

About five minutes later, the party arrives outside Morrid's. Dali is visible from here, but Dagger is insisting that she needs to "powder her nose." Three guesses on what that translates to.

Steiner knocks on the door to Morrid's living place as Dagger dances while wringing her hands. I've been there. Too bad she can't just use a rock, though.

"Yes?" Morrid asks as he opens the door. He looks incredibly old, with as many wrinkles as a walrus and a moustache to match. In one hand is a steaming mug of some brown liquid. I'm assuming it is coffee. He is the coffee guy, after all.

"May we use your facilities?" I ask, standing on my tiptoes and peering over Steiner's shoulder. The inside of the hut, cave, house, or whatever you want to call it is much more sparse than one would think. There's really only a bed, table with a couple chairs, and fireplace with a nice set of roaring flames. Well, the model airship is there as well, but it's nothing major. Suspended just over the fireplace is a kettle that I assume is where the coffee is made.

Morrid nods his approval and points to a small shack by an overturned cart. Dagger takes off running, rather hysterically, and the old man invites the rest of us into his tiny home. He pulls out a chair at the table and sits down, his bones cracking from arthritis. Steiner sits in the other chair while Zidane and Vivi take their places on the bed. That leaves me with the floor, so I pick a relatively clean spot near the fireplace and enjoy the warmth on my back.

"So what are you all doing out here this time of day? Not much goes on around here, except for the cargo ship, but that doesn't come until tomorrow."

"We're travelers," I interject when I see Steiner open his mouth. The last thing we need is for Rusty to go off about why we're really here. "We're just waiting until morning when South Gate opens back up, then we'll head to Lindblum on the tram." It is called a tram, right? Airlift, perhaps?

Morrid just nods and takes a sip of his coffee.

"Can I play with that?" Vivi asks while gazing longingly at the model airship.

"Tell you what," Morrid smiles and leans towards the black mage. Creepy. Possible pedophile, anyone? "I like coffee. The next time you come around, I want you to bring me some of the best coffee in the world. If you do that, you can have it."

"Really?" Okay, Vivi is so not being Vivi. He is absurdly normal. Maybe the game got it wrong. Or maybe I have to wait for Vivi's world to be crushed in the neighbouring town. Damn it!

"Sure," the old guy confirms. Luckily, nobody notices my disenchanted look. When it was just a game, I didn't really care. Now that I'm actually here, it's a whole other story. I knew it wasn't real, but now… Now I don't know. Maybe I should just stop, stay here with Morrid, help run the deliveries for Alexandria, and let everyone else do all of the work. Or I could tell them all the truth, that none of this is real, that some guys in Japan made it all up. This sucks. I'm far too invested in this, and it's only the second day. Curse me and my abnormally big heart. Why do I have to be such a kind and understanding person?

After that, we sit around waiting for Dagger to finish doing whatever it is girls do in the bathroom. There's an awkward silence in which Vivi continues to stare at the airship and the only sounds are the crackling fire and the slurping sound of Morrid drinking his coffee.

"What is in that village?" I ask to break the tension. There's the windmill and the rude mayor, that much I do know, but there actually has to be some reason for Dali to exist in the middle of nowhere. Besaid Island had the whole silk thing and Wutai did tourism with its unique culture and the mountain shaped like a person. Dali has to have something besides farms and that awful factory. I'm not going to be nice to that inn clerk, though. He is the one that turns Vivi in. Someone is going to get spit in their coffee, if not a sneeze muffin.

"There is a bar, a general store, and a rather reputable library," the old man informs us. A library? That's it? It's bound to have nothing on Dagguero. Might as well check it out, I guess. Maybe I can find something to read during all of those hours on ships, airships, and who knows what else I'll have to ride on this journey. Perhaps I'll even find out how I got here and how to get home. Then again, I am having a lot of fun here. Do I even want to go home?

"A bar?" Zidane perks up at the mention of a tavern. Methinks he thinks he will pick someone up there. Too bad for him the only woman in the village that isn't jailbait is, like, older than time itself. I've seen mountains that were probably molehills when she was born. "What kind of bar?"

"It's just a small, country pub. It doesn't open until nightfall, but they do sell medicine there during the day. Plus, they important pickles from all over the Mist continent."

Morrid knows a lot about Dali, which isn't surprising since he lives a mile or two away from the village. A mile or two? I so do not want to walk that. Anyway, what is a surprise is the fact that he hasn't mentioned the factory. He could not know about it. He probably grew up in Dali, moved out to whatever this place is, and has lived in a self-contained isolation ever since. It doesn't surprise me, really. The guy is so old that he has his groceries delivered by that one girl. What is her name? Slai? No girl that young should have to walk two miles. Hell, I shouldn't have to walk another two miles today! My legs hurt and my feet are sore.

Okay, I'm done with whatever rant I'm on.

There's a knock at the door. Hmm, when was the door closed? Steiner stands up, looking at Zidane and me threateningly, and opens the wooden portal. Dagger is the one on the other side, looking very sheepish. Poor little princess, having to pee in a public bathroom. Actually, it isn't even a public bathroom. It's an outhouse. Sorry we don't have a royal "throne" for you to sit on.

"You ready to go, Dagger?" Zidane says as soon as the girl steps into the small cut/cave/house. I wonder which is exciting him more, Dagger or the thought of hooking up in a bar. Either way, he has a lecherous glint in his eyes.

Dagger's eyes widen at the suddenness, she must have been expecting some kind of break from the traveling, and stutters out a response. "Um, o-o-k-kay."

We thank Morrid and promise to bring him some coffee the next time we're in the area. I doubt it'll happen, but who knows? One of us could always come back sometime. If I remember, Dagger can do it on her way back to Alexandria, and Zidane can do it when he's in Treno for the card tournament. I hope the card game here is Triple Triad this time around. Who knows, with Elena here that means it could happen. Besides, the FFIX card game just sucked. There were too many rules and I couldn't make heads or tails of the whole number system.

The sun has finally sunk beneath the Mist and there are two moons overhead. One is the typical pale moon, like the one back home. The other one is a deep crimson. It makes me think of blood. Something tells me that it's Terra, but for some reason I'm reminded of FFIV. There were two moons in that game, one normal and one red. Weren't there?

Rather uneventfully, we arrive in the small village. Almost everyone is tired and yawning. Vivi, though, is all excited. He's staring at this large windmill as though it were an ad for the Broadway revival of Grease. Yeah. The story of the transformation of sweet, innocent Sandra Dee into leather clad, skanky Sandy. Olivia Newton John never sounded better than she did when belting out how she needs a man. You better shape up, indeed. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Vivi is staring at a windmill. Not as amusing as a cheerleader turned slut, in my opinion, but if it makes him happy, then who am I to ridicule him?

"We should probably find somewhere to stay tonight, Honey," I sigh to Zidane as I use my sleeve to wipe some stray dirt off my forehead. A nice, hot bath. I really need one of those. Everyone here needs a bath. We're all tired and dirty. Screw it, I'm more tired than dirty. I'll just take care of it tomorrow. All I want right now is to sleep in a soft bed. The ground wasn't too pleasant a place to stay last night.

"There's an inn. We can stay there," the hero announces as he points to a small motel. Why didn't I notice it when I came in? If it were a prostitute it would've solicited me already. I probably would've said no. Unless it was Richard Gere. American Gigolo! Full frontal nudity! Woo!

Too exhausted to come up with a tawdry reply about sleeping arrangements, I join the rest of the group as they approach the inn. It's not terribly impressive. The outside is a dull off-white and there is only one window. It looked more impressive in the game, to be honest.

If the outside was unassuming, the interior more than makes up for that. The floorboards are made of a heavily polished cherry wood. The desk is of the same origin, even if it's not as glossy as what it's resting upon. In a corner is an antique woodstove that gives the place an old-fashioned feel. On top of the stove is a Siamese cat. There's a vase of fresh cut flowers sitting on the desk. There's only one bad thing that I can say about this place, and that is its owner.

Lying facedown on the desk is the ugly loser. It takes everything I have not to strangle him. Everyone looks at me abnormally, like I've grown a horn in the middle of my forehead or something. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised. I am breathing heavily and clenching my hands into fists.

"He's looks just like this jerk I once knew," I explain through gritted teeth. My hands continue to clench and unclench as I stomp up to the desk and slam one down on the bell. Unfortunately, it doesn't have the dramatic effect I was hoping for. Rather than cutting an intimidating figure, I jump up and down in pain. The stupid bell has this weird rounded spike thing that stabbed into me!

"Huh? What?" the clerk/owner/manager of the inn mutters as he looks up at the sounds of the bell and my incoherent, painful mutterings.

Zidane saves someone, either me from the owner's inquisition or that stupid louse from my anger, and speaks up. "We need a room. Do you have any?"

The owner looks at us in confusion, as though he has no clue what Zidane is talking about, then a greedy looks crosses his face when his eyes land on Vivi. Our little mage just happens to be standing next to Dagger, though.

"Look, I know she's cute, but she's with me," Zidane warns the owner as he points at himself with a thumb. Steiner looks about as mad as I am. That is definitely not a good thing for any involved. "Now do you have a room or not?"

His face quickly changes at the thief's unspoken threat and he looks over a ledger that was covered by his face less than five minutes ago.

"Yes, we have a room," the worthless blob of a human being confirms. The deadly Manicured Claws of Death are literally fighting me with everything they have. They just want to shred this guy like a Jewish mother does self-esteem. It wouldn't be very smart to just go off on him, though. We need the room and there isn't a reason for him to die. Yet. "It's 50 Gil."

Only 50 Gil? I would've expected it to be more. Maybe the prices of things were exaggerated in the game.

"Here you are," Zidane says as he drops a series of coins into the man's, if you can call the piece of trash a man, hand and ushers us into the nearest, and only, room.

Dagger looks apprehensive as we stare at the four beds, and Steiner appears to be only angrier. Vivi closes the door and plops down onto the nearest bed. The little guy must be really tired.

"I…" the royal one amongst us mutters almost inaudibly. She looks around the room nervously, then at the other three standing members of our party. Her eyes seem to linger on me the longest, though.

As if sensing what the problem is, Zidane begins to inform her of the facts of traveling. "Dagger, I know you're not used to this kind of thing, but these country inns only have one room."

"Silence! You and the deserter," Steiner interrupts with his finger predictably aimed at me, "should vacate the premises and sleep in the street like the refuse you are! Master Vivi may remain, and I will keep guard to make sure neither of you tries anything."

Zidane moves to say something, but I interrupt him rather viciously. My anger at the owner of this establishment hasn't subsided and needs a target to be focused on. Steiner just happens to be the one on my nerves at this moment in time.

"Would you just shut up for once?" I scream at him. I clench my fists so tightly that the MCoDs, as I'm going to call them from now on, dig into my palms. "You are not in charge here! You cannot boss me around because I don't work for you anymore! I am NOT leaving this room because of any issues you may have with me, Zidane, or your mother. If you're so ignorant as to think that I would try anything on Dagger, then maybe you're perfect for leading the Knights of Pluto. Everybody knows that they're just a joke, and you're the punch line!

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have had a hard day. I'm going to get into bed, and if you so much as try to stop me I'll scratch your face so bad that even Michael Jackson will look human compared to you!"

Certain that nobody understands half of what I said or why I said it, I climb into bed and turn my back to them. Oddly enough, I feel better now that I've vented. Maybe I should do that more often. Of course, it may make me look like a complete and utter nutcase, but plenty of things are doing that nowadays.

Now all that's left is to figure out how to fit five people into four beds. Screw it. I'll let the others decide who'll pair up. I'm too tired to deal with their drama anyway.


	6. Chapter 6

The thing I first notice when I wake up the next day is that I can't breathe. It's like my nose has clogged overnight. Accursed allergies! Next comes the long, dark hair in my mouth. Since I don't remember ever trying to eat someone's head, that answers who doubled up. Hmm, I slept with a woman. My parents will be so proud to hear it. Or not. They have more mood swings than I do. Anyway, the last thing is the snoring. Yes, someone is snoring. I sit up and look around, seeing Zidane in the bed furthest from mine. Quite honestly, I'm surprised he didn't wake me up. That boy needs to see somebody about that. It sounds like a motorcycle, and I'm not exaggerating.

After contemplating whether or not the thief sounds like a Harley, I climb out of bed and stretch. Really, I'm surprised Dagger slept with me. It would've made more sense for her to climb in with Vivi, what with his being a little kid and all. Then again, I guess I'm just as safe, even if I'm the demon spawn of an alcoholic prostitute. Steiner's words, not mine. Zidane definitely would have tried something, and Steiner would never think of climbing into the same bed as his beloved "Princess!"

My little temper tantrum comes back into my memory and I cringe. I compared Steiner to the self-proclaimed King of Pop, and I'm not even a fan of pop music. There doesn't have to be some big dramatic statement for me to gather that things won't go smoothly with the knight today. How many times have I gone off on him? If I remember correctly, the last time I did it was when I quit. Yeah, definitely not a good day to be around Adelbert.

Sunbeams fall onto the carpet and a small bookcase lodged between my bed and another. Why didn't I notice it last night? I kneel in front of it and read some of the titles. Most of them are get rich quick schemes, but there are a few that look promising. One based around the idea that a small terrorist group fights a corrupt power company that is killing the planet, another is about a school that raises mercenaries but there is some kind of mysterious reason for the institutions existence, and the last of the interesting ones has a plot concerning a girl with green hair, amnesia, and the ability to use magic. Now, where have I seen these ideas before?

With a small grin, I look around to make sure no one can see me before I slip the novels into my puffy pants. So what if it's stealing? The jerk who runs this place deserves a lot more than three missing books.

"You really think you're going to get away with that?" I hear someone say. At that moment, I notice I don't hear Zidane snoring anymore. I turn my head and see the mighty Tailed One sitting up and watching me curiously. "It's too noticeable, your pants are too bulky with your shirt tucked in like that. Pull it out and nobody will be able to see a thing."

Since when does Zidane give advice on stealing from small businesses?

I do as he suggests, and it really does work. Plus, I knotted my rope/belt extra tightly and they don't shift. The books, you perverts. My lungs don't work right, but it's only until I get out the front door so it's not terribly important.

"Thanks," I say, suddenly aware of just how bad my breath stinks. However, there is something I've been wondering about for quite some time. "Honey, this may sound stupid, but can I ask you a question?"

"Isn't that a question?" he retorts. I roll my eyes and he finally acts kind of serious. "Sure thing, Princess. What do you want to know?"

This is really embarrassing but I know that it'll definitely be an issue sometime soon. Actually, I'm surprised it's actually not one. "Um," I say with a yawn that indicates I'm still not fully awake. Zidane merely smiles and motions with his hand for me to hurry up. "I don't do a lot of travelling, so I don't know how to…"

"…ride a chocobo?" he offers when I don't complete my thought. I sheepishly shake my head and try to force my mouth to voice my concerns.

"Honey, I've never in a town this small. I'm used to bathtubs and I never saw one in this inn. How the heck am I supposed to bathe?" I mutter self-consciously. Well, at least it's out there now. Let's just hope that the bathtub isn't too scientifically advanced for this world.

Zidane laughs and has to grab his headboard to keep from falling onto the floor. It wasn't that funny. At least, I hope it wasn't. This could be the type of thing that everybody except Rick knows.

"Stop it!" I cry after about ten seconds of non-stop laughter. This guy is supposed to be my friend? "It's not funny."

"Sorry, Princess," Zidane says as he tries, rather unsuccessfully I might add, to keep a straight face. At least he's not laughing anymore. "That's just something I would have expected Dagger to ask, not you. Do you really not know the habits of small villages like this one?"

I shake my head no, and his merriment is replaced by confusion.

"Honey, I told you I don't travel much. Why is this so hard to believe?"

"Forget it," the thief says with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Here, I'll show you how."

He'll show me! I wasn't aware that Zidane is that, erm, "open" where his body is concerned. I don't even shower after gym class. Then again, I don't do anything in gym class, so I don't work up a sweat, and thus don't really need to, but… Well, you get the point. Wow! Zidane is either very comfortable with his body or he's flirting with me. Either way, my emotions about the matter are as clear as mud.

"Princess, are you coming?" Zidane shouts. I break out of my thoughts and see him standing by the door with a bucket. A bucket? What could we possibly need a bucket for?

Using the beds on either side of me as leverage, I push myself off the ground and into standing position. Zidane opens the door and looks at me expectantly, so I follow him out into the "lobby." The owner is facedown on the desk again. Oh, he makes me so mad. I'd just like to take that stupid ledger of his and shove it so far up his…

"What are you doing?" Zidane asks fearfully. For the second time that morning, in about two minutes, actually, I snap back to reality. This time, my MCoDs are about an inch away from ripping the sleeping man's head off. I definitely need anger management. It would probably be a good idea to never come back to this inn after today.

"There's just something about this guy that puts me off," I explain without going into unnecessary details. It would be awkward to tell him that the guy in going to participate in Vivi's kidnapping when Vivi hasn't even been kidnapped yet. If the game is a reliable source, which it hasn't been so far, then he's safe until Zidane and Dagger run into each other in the shop. That's definitely one thing about this whole trip that I will change. There's no way a sweet kid like Vivi should have to go through that.

"Right," Zidane says rather abruptly. He grabs my wrist and pulls me out into the full blown morning sunshine. I have to hold my free hand over my eyes at first because it's so bright. The brief reprieve from the thief's forcefulness is broken, though, as he drags me down the street, the bucket clanking against the side of his leg. It's almost like he's afraid I may actually harm the man. I might hurt him, but I wouldn't harm him. There's definitely a difference.

We stop by the well in the centre of town. Vivi is standing by the windmill and all of these stupid little kids are running around acting like stupid little kids. Which is weird since I could've sworn he was just in bed asleep. Anyway the frickin' brats watch Vivi get kidnapped and don't do anything about it. If they were a little older, they would so be saying hello to my dry wit and sarcasm.

"Are you going to pay attention or not?" Zidane asks as he shakes my arm. Darn it, I really need to do something about this ADD or whatever the heck I have.

"Yeah, go ahead, Honey," I sigh with a nod of my head. He then proceeds to tie a rope around the handle and lower the bucket into well while chatting to me about his days of ripping off rich people and whatnot. If I weren't so preoccupied with Vivi's fate, I might find it riveting.

He then pulls up a bucket full of water and effortlessly hands it to me. This thing is heavy. I almost drop it, but Zidane has already started walking away. The bottom of the bucket almost drags the ground, I'm bent over so low, but I follow him as best I can. Of course, the local children think the traveller lugging around a bucket, while hunched over like I'm Quasimodo, is funny. Why did a college enlist a hunchback as the mascot for their football team anyway?

Zidane goes into the store for a moment, I don't know why, but he comes out alone. Hopefully, he hasn't run into Dagger, yet. If he did, then Vivi would already be gone. Just in case, I spare a glance at the midget to make sure that he's still staring at the windmill like it's the Mona Lisa. He is.

"Are you okay, Princess?" the bandit inquires when he sees me bent over like an American who just drank Mexican tequila. "Do you want me to carry that?"

Gratefully, I hand the bucket over and he hands me a paper bag. I guess they aren't advanced enough for plastic bags. Gaia is so lucky it doesn't have to deal with CFCs and the like. The people back home should really take better care of our planet. We don't need nutcases with silver hair to destroy it, we are doing it ourselves with SUVs and nuclear power. Now I'm getting off the soapbox. Susan Sarandon needs it back.

The bag has in it a bar of soap. Well, it does make sense since we're going to bathe. Did I actually just say "we"? This is wrong on so many levels. At least I didn't ask Steiner. Either he would kill me for asking or I would want to kill myself at the suggestion of him showing me how.

We re-enter the lobby, the clerk still asleep and me still fighting the urge to behead him, and Zidane hoists the bucket high into the air to keep it from bumping into anything. Show off. The cat is still lying on the stove. I don't know how. Don't they light the thing, thus making it hot and uncomfortable to lie on? Then again, maybe it reminds the feline of the pits of hell. My dad did always say that Siamese cats were the demonic spawn of Satan. I've seen little evidence to contradict that statement.

"Creepy," I mutter to no one as I walk by the feline, which has its blue eyes trained on me. Not even the opening of Taboo was this scary.

"What?" Zidane asks as he slowly opens the door to our room. He looks at me with concern. If it weren't for the fact that I've been stealing, spacing out, and almost maiming unconscious people in the space of about fifteen minutes, I would probably be wondering what was wrong with him. Unfortunately, he's wondering what's wrong with me.

"I just don't like cats, Honey," I tell him as I try to avoid making eye contact with the tiny terror. Then it takes on a bored expression, don't ask me how, and begins licking its front paw. I repeat: creepy.

"Whatever. Let's just get this over with," he says with a sigh. Okay, I've decided he's not flirting. If he were doing that, then he wouldn't act like this is a chore of some kind.

I follow Zidane into the room and he orders me to shut the door. After doing so, I turn around and he's taking off his shirt. This is getting weird.

"Hey, Princess, hand me that soap," he says when he finally removes the article of clothing. Let me just say that Zidane is cut. Really cut. The game definitely doesn't do him justice. However, before he notices what I'm noticing, I reach into the bag and toss him the bar of soap with slightly shaking hands. Have I mentioned this is weird?

The thief catches my clumsy throw and drops the soap into the bucket before regarding me thoughtfully. Thank Hyne or whatever god these people celebrate that I took Zidane's advice and untucked my shirt. Things would be a lot more awkward if I hadn't.

"Okay, while travelling you don't get bathtubs at the affordable places. Only the insanely rich can afford them. To make up for it, one has to learn to get by with as little as possible. Some people don't bathe at all until they reach their destination, but they're usually travelling alone. Not by choice, I might add," he explains with absolutely no enthusiasm, with the exception of that last joke. Yeah, he's definitely not flirting with me. If he were, he wouldn't make it sound like a lecture on the importance of the Pythagorean theorem in modern day life. So what if A squared plus B squared equals C squared? Barbara Walters had Star Jones kicked off The View!

"So I'm not rich. We already know that," I point out with no purpose other than to break the tension that I'm feeling throughout my body. Surprisingly, my voice is steady and calm.

"Right," Zidane states needlessly. Then he retrieves the wet soap and begins to build up a good lather on his hands. Is this going where I think it's going? "That's why you don't a bathtub. Anyway, since you can't sit or, most likely in your case, lie down, you need to learn to do this stuff while standing up and almost completely dry."

What the whole lying down thing about? I may not be the most butch person in the world, but… Wow, I can't make a retort because he actually has a point. That, and he's wiping his soapy hands on his face. I usually start off with my arms, but I guess it doesn't matter all that much.

"You want to start with your face, so that you have mostly clean water to rinse off with," he says after leaning over the bucket, dropping the soap back in it, and splashing some water on his face.

I watch the water trail down his throat, pooling a bit at the joint where the neck meets the shoulder before slowly making its way down his chiseled chest… Okay, Rick, keeps your eyes on his face. Keep. Your. Eyes. On. His. Face. Are we clear? Good.

"Are you okay?" Zidane asks curiously when he catches me staring at him.

Crap! What can I say? There has to be some reason I'm staring at him. What is it?

"I was just wondering why you took your shirt off when all you were going to do was clean your face," I fib. Hey, it makes sense, even if I don't care why he took his shirt off.

"Didn't want it to get wet, Princess," he answers as he pulls the aforementioned piece of clothing back over his head. He claps me on the back and leaves. That was a very… interesting way to answer my question. He could have just told me to give myself a sponge bath. It wouldn't have been nearly as fun, but something tells me that's a good thing.

Five minutes later, I'm squeaky clean and have never been happier for cold water. The manager is still asleep when I leave, and I'm actually glad for that. Under my arm are the three novels I had earlier decided to steal from the jerk. There was no way I wasn't going to pay him back for what he did/will do to Vivi, but there's no sense in ruining perfectly good books. I will need something to do during the breaks between the big plot moments and battles with normal monsters and bosses.

Vivi is still by the windmill, and Dagger is walking in the direction of the store. Definitely time to screw around with this place. There is no way a little kid is getting kidnapped and shoved into a coffin on my watch.

"Hey, Gorgeous!" I greet when I finally reach the princess. "Can you wait for me in the store by the inn? I need to talk to you about something."

"Of course, Rick," she agrees. This is too easy. "Why do you need me to wait for you, though? Couldn't we just go there together? It is right there."

Her pointing at the store behind me is ignored as I cast another glance at Vivi. Then I shift my eyes back to the person that I actually am talking to. "I'll be right there. Just let me do something first."

"Alrighty," she says before walking away. I nearly get whiplash from doing a double take. Did she really say that? Out of all the things she could have said, she had to use that word. Zidane didn't even mention it when we talked to her about her speech. Today has been very weird, and it's only morning. What else am I going to have to look forward to?

I approach Vivi and place a hand on his shoulder, causing the little guy to jump. He turns around slowly and sees that it's just me. A look of relief crosses his face, if that's even possible since he doesn't have a face, and he lets out a sigh. That was odd, but it's not Zidane teaching me how to bathe odd. Maybe it has something to do with how the kids around here are treating him. They did treat him like crap in the game, making fun of him and whatnot. Brats.

"What are you doing, Cutie?" I ask as I kneel next to him and look up at the windmill. Something must be wrong with me, because I just can't see the appeal of the thing. A waterwheel, yes, but not a windmill.

"Just looking at that," he says happily as he points up to the windmill. While he chatters on about the blasted thing, I look out of the corner of my eye and see a redheaded guy about my age sticking his head out the door and watching me and Vivi intensely. Yeah, I remember the guy. He tries to pick up Dagger if you go to Dali when it's just her, Steiner, and Marcus. Of course, I don't know if any of that is going to happen, but that's not really important. What I do know is what's not going to happen. Vivi will not get kidnapped.

"Hey, I'm meeting Dagger at the store. Why don't you come with me and hang out with us? It'll be a lot of fun," I promise. Hopefully, he won't see through my ill-conceived ruse. How would being in a store be fun for a little kid? It never was for me. Then again, my parents would always tell me not to touch anything or I'd get in trouble. All I wanted to do is see what Barbie's career was that week.

"Sure," he says unenthusiastically. I don't think he's fully grasped the concept of sarcasm, so I'm taking him at his word. Vivi never seemed like the lying type, anyway. That was always Zidane and Amarant. It caught me off-guard when Dagger drugged everyone at that banquet the first time I played it.

In the surprising, yet unsurprising, way that Vivi has, he takes my hand. It's adorable and I don't like little kids.

We stroll down the street, the redhead's eyes wider than Louis Anderson's waist line. The local children stare at us like Vivi's some kind of a sideshow at a circus and I'm the loud guy with the weird moustache yelling at people to step up and gawk at him. Not the most flattering feeling in the world. Vivi doesn't seem to notice it at all, though. I wish I still had that childlike obliviousness when it comes to going to high school. Teenagers can be such evil jerks. It almost makes me wonder why most of the protagonists of the Final Fantasy series are teenagers. The ones of the PS series, anyway. Zidane's a teen, Squall's a teen, Ramza was a teen at one point in Tactics, but Cloud was in his twenties with the exception of the whole Sephiroth flashback thing that they have in Kalm.

"Gorgeous?" I say as soon as I enter the store. The place isn't nearly as small as the game would have you think. One wall is covered with weapons, another is a line of bookcases that contains everything but books, and behind the counter is a door that probably leads into the living quarters of whoever runs this place. What really excites me, though, is the clothes. Hanging from crude, wooden racks are various kinds of clothing. There's fine silk, flannel shirts, and jeans. Jeans! I don't have to where these hideous, slightly puffy pants anymore!

Dagger is standing at the counter and talking to a girl who looks to be about twelve or thirteen. When she hears my voice, the princess turns around and is all smiles. People should not look that happy before noon, including news anchors. If those people hadn't drunk about twenty cups of coffee three minutes before the cameras began rolling, they'd look just as tired as the rest of the people that got up at six o'clock in the morning.

"Rick! Vivi!" she cries with absolute perkiness. I can be perky at times, but this is cheerleader-snorting-coke perky. Seriously, someone buy this woman a tranquilizer. "I didn't expect you here!"

Didn't I just tell her to meet me here? Oh, wait, she was talking about Vivi.

"Rick asked me to come," the midget blabs. Now they're going to think I have some kind of agenda. I do, but they don't need to know that. Wait. Can one actually call preventing kidnapping and traumatizing a nine-year-old an agenda?

"Can I see your arm band?" the girl behind the counter asks me curiously. I nod and let go of Vivi's hand as I walk up to her. She grabs my arm and pulls my sleeve back without a word. Laughing, I joke that I usually don't go that far without at least a name. The girl blushes as she lets go. "My name's Eve. Sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it. It's no big deal," I assure the embarrassed preteen. "What did you want to see my bracelet for? I'm not selling it, if that's why."

She gives a small laugh and shakes her head. "No, it's just that I have something for you."

As she reached for something under the counter, I look at Dagger with raised eyebrows. She shrugs in confusion. When did she pick that up? Vivi, meanwhile, has taken to touching everything in sight.

"Who would leave something for me?" I ask no one in particular. The only person I can think of would be Zidane. He went into the store to buy that soap. Maybe he picked up something for me while he was in there. If he did, then he's a lot sweeter than I would have thought.

Eve plops a leather satchel and a wooden box onto the counter. Tentatively, I reach out and feel that it's actually faux leather! Amazing as that is, though, there is something odd about these two items. Both of them have the same markings carved into them as my bangle. I pull the sleeve on my arm back and look at the band of metal myself.

I didn't pay attention before, but the design is that of a dragon curled around the indentations in the metal. The box and bag also show a dragon, though in slightly different aspects. The box has a dragon breathing fire, and the bag a dragon laying waste to a village. I reach out and run my fingers along the grooves in the wood of the box before looking back to Eve and repeating the question I had posed just moments before. "Who left these?"

"Some woman in a white dress left them for you. She didn't leave a name and I didn't ask."

This is definitely up there on the weird scale. Some anonymous woman leaving gifts for me. Have I even been here long enough to get a stalker? Probably not.

"What's in the box, Rick?" Dagger asks as she peers over my shoulder and at the items on the counter. A better question would be: what happened to her fancy way of speaking? It seems like she became normal overnight.

"How should I know?" I respond. My fingers play with the latch for a few seconds before flipping it up. Not the kind you would find on a toolbox, but the kind you would have on a jewellery box that requires its own separate box. Maybe that's what this is!

The hinges creak as I lift the lid to find three things I definitely didn't expect. The first is money. A lot of money. Even Dagger looks astonished by the amount, and she probably grew up riding to breakfast every morning on a pony made out of solid gold that could talk in addition to being able to fly. No, I'm not a bit jealous that I didn't grow up in the pampered life that royalty offers.

In addition to the insane amount of money that is so vast even Einstein couldn't comprehend its number, there are two marbles, one green and one yellow, and a folded up piece of paper. I set the books I stole from the inn on the counter and pick up the paper while keeping an eye on Eve.

The letter isn't very long, just wishing me luck on my journey, promises of better explanations in my future, and advice telling me to put the marbles in the slots on my bangle. Now I know what this is. The marbles have to be Materia, there's no other possible explanation. I just wonder what kind of Materia it is. Neither one is Summon Materia, since those are red, which means the green one is magic and the yellow one is definitely a Command Materia.

Carefully, I place the green Materia into one of the slots and, almost immediately, I feel my nose clear up and I can breathe again. Also, my eyes aren't watering like they did yesterday. They hadn't yet, but maybe I'll get lucky and they won't at all! This has to be Restore Materia. Either that, or Heal Materia. I'm hoping Restore, so that I'll actually be of some use on this trip.

Next is the yellow Materia, but the reaction I get from it is completely different. Flashes of different people flood my senses. The only one I can make out is some girl who seems quite like me. She's carrying around a sword and is stabbing a purple squirrel several times with it. I know some of those purple squirrels. You go girl!

That is off the charts weird. This day is not going to end well, I can tell. Nothing that starts out like this ends well.

"What does the note say, Rick?" Dagger asks as she grabs the slip of paper from my loose grip. Wouldn't you expect royalty to have better manners than that?

She looks over it and looks back to me with a raised eyebrow. It makes about as much sense to her as it does to me. The only thing I can figure is that it has to do with why I'm here. Why else would there be Materia in FFIX? Or Elena? Something is going on here, and I definitely have no idea what it could be. Do my parents miss me? Do they even know I'm gone? There are so many questions, and I don't have a single answer.

"Who knows? Now we need to talk about this outfit of yours," I say quickly in an attempt to change the topic. Dagger's eyes widen, but she doesn't say anything. Eve is listening to us, so I grab Dagger by the arm and pull her to the section of the store furthest from the girl running it, which just happens to be where the sharpest of weapons are. "It looks too royal, and everyone knows what you look like. Something tells me that these bumpkins will tell your mom where you are the first chance they get."

"Do you need anything?" Eve asks. I look over at her and smile.

"Yeah, we need to know how much this is," I lie as I point to the nearest weapon, a large sword made of iron. To be honest, the only person that would use it is Steiner, and I don't feel like being nice to him. Such an act of goodwill could get him off my back for awhile, though. Everyone knows I've been his target of choice ever since we left Ice Cavern.

"Two hundred Gil," she answers in surprise. Apparently, nobody has ever wanted the sword before. Either that or she's surprised I'm buying it. If it weren't for the fact that it's cover for our conversation. Dagger would probably have the exact same look on her face.

"Can we get some clothes, too?"

"Just pick them out and I'll ring them up," she answers. Ring them up? There isn't even a cash register here. The lingo must just be universal. I wonder if they know who El Barto is.

Dagger picks up the sword and sets it on the counter as I sling the satchel over my shoulder and put the wooden box containing my money in it. Some goes to pay for the sword, but you know what I mean. Then again, if my bangle had fit that ego-maniac Zidane, all of that cash would've been his.

I look the princess over and rub my chin thoughtfully. This is going to be tough. Everyone in Alexandria knows what she looks like. The hair could be changed, and a different style of dress selected, but that doesn't guarantee her free passage anywhere. I could just leave her be and let the game play out as it should. I probably should do that. Those pants are driving me crazy, though. Something needs to be done about those. It's been said many times before, but pants should not be puffy. Besides, I'm bored.

"Grunge."

"What?" Dagger asks in confusion as Eve hands me the change for the purchase of the sword.

This is perfect. No one would ever look for Dagger in an outfit that resembles the early nineties. Heck, nobody should ever try to look like they're from the early nineties. That era of fashion was almost as bad as the eighties. The music wasn't much better.

"You should go grunge," I advise the summoner. "Be all Kurt Cobain-like. It's the perfect disguise."

"What is 'grunge'?" she asks rather fearfully. Yeah, any sane person would be afraid of that idea of putting on that kind travesty which is topped only by the introduction of hip huggers. The only people that wear them are the ones that shouldn't. Then again, that seems to be a constant for all fashion movements. "Who is Kurt Cobain?"

Ignoring both questions, I start browsing through the varied shirts hanging on the racks. Then inspiration finds me. Uglier than I ever would have thought possible, I decide that my new finds are definitely what Dagger needs. Two things that should never be put together are plaid and polyester. Holding both shirts up to the confused young woman, I nod and set them aside for safe keeping.

Next come the pants. They should be really beat up, like they're about to fall apart. Zidane will be happy about that. Unfortunately, there aren't any. I guess I'll just have to buy a pair and make them crappy.

"Go try these on," I order as I shove the two shirts and a random pair of jeans into her arms. Her royal highness must not be used to this kind of treatment, because she stares at me with an open mouth before I point her in the direction of an imaginary dressing room.

"Excuse me," Eve contributes. Why was she listening to us? "But you can't try those on."

"Why not?" I ask as I look at the cashier with folded arms and a cocked eyebrow.

"It's against store policy. If you want them, then you have to pay up front."

Wonderful! A store ran in an autocratic fashion. This is so great. I so hope every store on Gaia runs like this. (Sarcasm, people.) Swallowing my pride, I hand Dagger my change from the sword and push her in Eve's direction. Now comes my turn to find something to wear. Since I'm not, technically, on the run, there's no need for me to look like white trash. Poor Dagger.

Thumbing through the men's section, which is only one rack while the women got four (sexism!), I find a shiny black shirt made out of satin. Most people would wonder why I'm even considering a satin shirt when I know I'm going to have to face off again monsters and absolute evil , but it just feels so good against my skin. There's no way I'm giving this up. It would take the combined military forces of every country in the UN to prevent my purchase of the blouse. That's right. I said blouse. What else would you call a shirt made out of satin?

To go with my treasure, I find a pair of white jeans that are about a size too small for me in the waist. In fact, it's the only pair of white jeans in the whole store. None popped up in the women's section when I was looking for Dagger devolution in fashion. All I saw was the customary black and denim trousers.

"I'll take these," I tell Eve as I put the two articles of clothing onto the counter. Steiner's sword is still lying there. Dagger is going to have to carry it. There's no way that I can.

"That'll be forty-seven Gil," she says after looking at me rather suspiciously.

The box comes out of the satchel and I count out the exact amount of money. Then I put it back in and grab the books off the counter, stuffing them into the carrying case at the same time. Weird thing is, it feels like there's nothing in it. I pat the sides and my hand doesn't encounter any corners that would indicate somewhere square-shaped.

Again, I get odd looks from the two women as I take the satchel off and peer inside. While the outside gives the impression of being flat, the inside shows that I did put the four items into it. As a test, I grab the shirt and begin stuffing it in, though I know it would never fit. Somehow, it does, and with room to spare. Next I attempt the pants and they also manage to fit. This is weird.

"Rick?" Dagger says tentatively as she places a hand on my shoulder. It's not a surprise that she's being so cautious, because I'm freaking out. Handbags do not hold that much stuff. My eyes focus on the princess, then the sword, then move back to Dagger. If I'm right, then a law or two of physics will be disproved. If I'm wrong… Goodbye my lovely new clothes and this wonderful satchel. I had you all of twenty minutes, before losing my mind.

"Do me a favour," I request as I kneel and hold the bag about a foot above the ground. This is a bad idea, but I have to find out. "Try to put the sword in here."

Eve chuckles nervously as she leans over the counter to look at me while Dagger picks up the blade. The princess stands over me awkwardly, both hands on the hilt of the sword. Slowly, it's lowered down. As it inches into the bag, my heart pounds harder and harder. The weapon is swallowed up to Dagger's hands without a sign of damage. She lets go and it disappears completely. The floor never receives the pointed end of the sword. Looks like I was right.

I glance back into the satchel and see the sword resting on its side next to the rest of my stuff. Then, with no effort whatsoever, I lift the bag up and sling it around my shoulder. Nobody says a word.

"Who died?" Zidane laughs when he walks into the silent store. Don't ask me why he opened with that. The three of us probably look more shocked than depressed. Wait. The three of us? What happened to Vivi?

"Did you see Vivi?" I stride over to Zidane, grab him by the shoulders, and shake him roughly. "Have you seen him?"

Zidane looks worried, probably about my mental state. Can't exactly say that I blame him. I've been all over the place today. Not even Mel Gibson has been as out of it as I have. Then again, I've never gotten drunk, drove on a major highway while inebriated, and made racial slurs while hitting on a police officer. Perhaps we're at the same level. Whatever.

"He was just out by the windmill. The kid seems fascinated by it. He's almost as weird as you. At least he's not a priss," the thief answers with a taunt.

Not taking the bait, I push Zidane out of the way and run through the door in a panic. This can't be happening. Vivi can't be kidnapped. Other things have changed, so why couldn't this? Why does a little kid have to wonder about his existence, future, and purpose? I barely do that, and I'm almost twice his age!

My feet take me past the local children, flying me over the path that is the town's dirt road. Buildings go by in a blur. Somehow, I trip when I reach the well where Zidane and I had retrieved the water for my crash course in bathing on the road. I hit the road hard and a sharp stinging sensation travels from my knees to my brain. Fighting the tears in my eyes and the growing stitch in my side, I stand up and limp toward the windmill while choking on all of the dust I stirred when I slammed into the ground. Somewhere behind me I can hear Zidane and Dagger calling to me.

"Princess!" Zidane cries when he reaches me. He grabs my arm and tries to stop me, but inertia causes us to crash to the ground. His tail slams into my face rather hard and snaps my head back.

"Are you guys okay?" Dagger asks when she reaches us. Through the tears and dust I can see the concern etched on her face. I cough in reply and have to hold the hand on my free arm up to my face to try to filter out some of the fine dirt particles that found solace in my lungs. Zidane groans and lets me go while I turn my face down to the ground and squeeze my eyes shut.

I'm not sure which hurts more, my body or my heart. Things are too complicated. I'm caring too much about these guys. I hardly know them.

After the dust settles, I wipe my eyes with the backs of my filthy hands and look up at my companions. My friends. Dagger looks freaked out and Zidane appears to be confused as to which one of us to console.

Stupid! I told myself that I'd keep an eye on Vivi, make sure nothing happens to him. Instead, I lose myself in petty, unimportant things like clothes and some stupid accessories that a stranger left for me. Dagger's appearance was more of a concern to me than a little kid's well-being. What's wrong with me?

"Princess?" Zidane asks as he kneels next to me. I look from him to Dagger. She has her rod out, face scrunched up in concentration. A healing spell must be on its way. "What was that all about?"

I open my mouth to answer, but a glowing light interrupts me. Then the stinging sensation in my knees disappears. Thanks, Dagger.

"Rick?" the young woman inquires as I try to form a coherent explanation of my rather insane actions. "What was that?"

"What was what?" I gasp in a surprisingly broken voice. The last time I sounded like this was when I was at the hospital while my grandmother was on her deathbed.

This isn't right. I've only known these people for three days. They don't even know my last name. We shouldn't be as close as we are, or as close as I think we are. Besides, they aren't even real people, they're videogame characters created by some scientists and other people in Japan. If that's true, though, then what am I? I'm right here with them.

"You're healed," she answers in a voice almost as unsteady as mine. "How did you do that?"

"I didn't do anything," I counter, still sounding like I'm on the verge of tears. "I can't use magic of any kind. That's your thing. Yours and Vivi's."

Crap! Vivi! I completely forgot about the mage. Where is he?

A quick scan of the area around the windmill shows absolutely no sign of life. I'm too late. They got him. The freaks who run this town succeeded in kidnapping a child. He's probably already in that awful coffin thing. I can't do anything. My gym teacher is right. Nothing important will ever come about as a reaction to me.

"Princess," Zidane says softly as he gently takes a hold of my chin with his thumb and index finger. Our eyes meet and I can see the fear in his. "What is going on with you?"

Nothing I say can answer that question. Suddenly, I wonder if I should tell them the truth. If I should inform them of the fact that they're little more than bits and pieces of information crammed into four CDs, the first of which is sitting in am old videogame console with my parents back home…

What about my parents? They've probably called the cops and reported me missing by now. Unless time runs differently here than it does there. They might not even know I'm gone. My mom could still be waiting for me to come downstairs.

As I continue to stare into Zidane's eyes, I can feel Dagger's burning a whole into me. She said she didn't heal me, but I don't feel a thing. That can only mean one thing. I have Restore Materia equipped. Nothing else makes sense. One question answered out of who knows how many that are still left unanswered, and they're not all mine.

"Rick?"

"Princess?"

This is going to be a long, weird, and just plain bad day…


	7. Chapter 7

"Rick?"

"Princess?"

Normally, I would worry about how cute my expression was while answering, but this is a very tense situation. My freakish behaviour, while not entirely unusual, is far beyond anything I've expressed so far. I think the most bizarre thing I've done so far was either freaking out at Mu-eating or calling Elena a fake blonde. Really, there were so many other things I could have told her. That skin was so pasty, and her front teeth had this huge gap between them that made me want to call her Pippy Longstockings. Not that I would have expected her to know the red-headed heroine of many an 1840's child's imagination.

"Have you ever had a really bad feeling?" I ask as I attempt to wipe dirt from my right eye. Of course, I fail, managing only to make the orb sting more. How red it is must be yet another thing to cause my friends to worry. "A feeling so bad that you just had to know something was up?"

Dagger shakes her head, but Zidane clears his throat and turns away, lowering his hand in the process. I'd almost forgotten it was there.

The next thing we hear is someone sobbing. It's not me this time. That leaves only one person.

"Vivi?" Dagger shouts as she looks at me and runs off in the direction of the sound. Zidane stands up and follows after her, leaving me alone to sit in the middle of the street.

I watch as the others kneel by the empty chocobo pen and look at each other in concern as they whisper into a pipe or something else in the ground. The occasional glance in my direction lets me know that I'm still on their minds. Poor Vivi. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to prevent this.

"Rick?"

A hand is gently placed on my shoulder. I know that hand. It's Dagger. The princess has come to tell me that we're going off to rescue Vivi. For some reason, I really don't think I'm up for it.

"What? Are you having me committed?" I mutter sullenly. "Because you wouldn't be the first to have the urge. There's a whole group of jocks and family members that would fight you over the rights to see me off. But it's Ohio, everyone belongs in a nuthouse. What're you going to do?"

"I don't understand," Dagger says in an unsure voice. Her hand gives me a slight squeeze before she retracts it. "We heard Vivi's voice over there. He's been abducted. Zidane and I are going to try to find him."

How right was I? Now if I could just guess what my art teacher wants me to do, I could finally pass that class. Being able to effectively mix fabrics doesn't guarantee the ability to mix paints. At least I know combining silver and copper paint makes a shiny, glossy violet colour. I wanted to paint my room that colour, but my mom told me that metallic paint is too expensive to use so extravagantly.

"Let me guess: you want me to come."

"No," Dagger answers nervously. "Zidane was thinking that… we're going to get him ourselves. You should just get us ready to go. Pick up some potions or something. We won't be able to rely on my magic forever."

Wonderful. Now they don't even want my help in rescuing Vivi. What's next? Am I going to get ditched when we get to Lindblum, or are they going to steal the airship without me? I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I guess. Until then, I have to figure out what this whole weird thing is with the bag and all. A woman wearing a white dress leaves me a box full of money and Materia, and that weird squirrel thing left me the fancy bracelet when it vanished. What could that mean, and why was Dagger so, erm, forceful just now when she talked about her magic. It's not like I'm even using magic. It's Materia that I don't really know how to use.

"Fine."

Quietly, they leave. Zidane and Dagger go directly into that weird little stable thing with the hatch that leads to the underground factory. I wonder what led them to choose to go there. Is there some weird kind of magic going on, or just a coincidence? Now I'm starting to understand what Laguna meant when he was spouting off that BS about faeries. There has to be something else going on here, something bigger than my being here.

I push aside all thoughts of the universe in favour of things that actually matter: Shopping! I know it's shallow, but being shallow is what I need right now. Besides, Dagger was right. We do need potions, remedies, and all kinds of other stuff.

The dust has settled by the time I stand up. I doubt that Zidane and Dagger would have checked, so maybe I'll fetch that Zodiac coin thing from the windmill first. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

There's an odd quiet in the mill. The only sound is the creaking of the door as I open it. Hay is all over the floor, with something brown mixed in it. My guess is poo, since a chocobo lives in the thing. So gross. Why aren't the locals cleaning this out?

On my left is the open hatch leading down to the cellar/basement thing. Zidane and Dagger are down there, so I'm not too worried. Vivi will be fine. Well, guess I'd better do what I came here to do.

My feet carefully pick through the straw on the floor as I search for a place to step that wouldn't end up with me ruining my boots even more than I already have. I don't know why I'm so concerned, really. I'm just going to buy some new ones when I get to Lindblum anyway. There wasn't much of a selection back in Eve's store. If I hadn't freaked out about Vivi, though, I probably would have found a good deal. The shirt I have is definitely awesome. Why no one picked it up is a surprise. Either these people really are poor, or they have no taste. They definitely lack tact and humanity, if the fact that there's no one to watch the local children and their inhumane treatment of Vivi is any indication.

Yeah, definitely have to get that coin and get out of here.

When I reach the area where the coin is supposed to be, I don't see a thing. At least, nothing metal. There is still hay all over the floor, but no poop. Yay! I push the yellow strands out of my way and scan the dirt floor. All I see is a red stone half buried in the ground. The MCoDs aren't too happy about being forced to dig, but something tells me that I may regret not doing it. Besides, the rock is all pretty and stuff. Hey, maybe it's a ruby! Or, if Gaia has an annoying sense of irony, a garnet.

It's about the size of a tangelo, those weird mini-oranges, and warm to the touch. There's a pulsing in my arm, the one with the bangle. Quickly, I turn it and see the yellow Materia is glowing in correspondence with the throbbing of my arm. I drop the red stone and it stops. This is weird.

Following this weird urge I have, I pick the stone up and put in my satchel. It's really quite amazing that I didn't leave the bag behind in the store.

The sky is normal when I leave the mill. If this were a movie or some cheesy novel, there would be rain. One of those weird "the weather matching the emotions of the protagonist" deals. As if that could happen. Waking up in a video game is so different from controlling the weather. Then again, I probably could control the weather with the right Materia. Send a little water and lightning into the air to create a thunderstorm, or a blast of ice into a cloud to make a snowfall.

"Where's the bar?" I mutter to no one. Gee, I thought that wouldn't be something I'd ask myself until I was forty-seven and going out with the guys from work in celebration of closing the biggest deal of the year. Either that or my brother's wedding. Some events just need alcohol to make it fun. That's one thing that Paris Hilton knows.

Of course, there's no answer, so I'm forced to look for it myself. It was right beside the mill in the game, but the town is not in the same set up in real life. There are stretches of field and more houses. Mostly field.

I leisurely stroll down the street, smiling and waving to the children as they play games and jump rope. Look, there's Johnny Anderson and his big brother Jim throwing a football. Yeah, right. The children are throwing rocks at the biggest house in the village (please let it belong to the mayor) and the older ones, who are about my age, are drinking something from a bottle wrapped in fur. They also look a little woozy. That's another thing that Paris Hilton knows.

"Where did you get that?" I ask one of the drunken girls. Yeah, it's girls.

"Why do you want to know? You going to tell my ma?" she slurs, the pink bonnet on her head looking ready to topple from her scalp at any minute.

"Nah, I'm just looking for the bar is all," I answer. "I doubt there's much else to do here."

"Ain't that the truth!" another one of the girls adds with a hiccup. She points at a building just down the street and grabs the bottle from her friend. She takes a swig and then proceeds to inform me that said building is the local tavern. "It's closed during the day, though. I had to get my friend who works there to sell me this under the table."

"Shut up!" the first tells her friend as they proceed to fight over the bottle. They're sloppily pulling hair and pushing each other into the dirt like they were horse playing football players. Of course, the football players I know don't pull one another's hair, but you know what I mean.

After shaking my head over the fact that the sight of the two teenagers is wasted on me, I attempt to thank them for the information. It doesn't work so I head on down to buy some potions, remedies, and antidotes. Eye drops and that holy water stuff just never did anything for me. You get poisoned more often than anything else, so why prepare for anything else? I know it's risky, but you can just call me a daredevil.

When I reach the bar, the first thing I notice is the bad lighting. There aren't any windows. However, there are a lot of bottles of booze behind the counter. And to think, a young kid like Slai works here all by herself.

"We're not open!" a young voice calls out. I can't see anyone, so I assume that whomever it belongs to is under the bar. Sure enough, a young girl's head pops into view. Her eyes widen she catches sight of me, and she all but screams. "What are you doing in here? You're not supposed to be here!"

Does she know me? I am, was, a Knight of Pluto. It isn't that farfetched that people in this world know who I am. Dagger and Steiner both knew me before I woke up.

"Huh?" is all I can say.

"I'm not supposed to serve anyone during the day, especially not someone underage. Get out! Out!" the girl fearfully cries. "If my father finds out that I've been selling alcohol to…"

"Whoa! I'm not here for that," I assure her as best I can. "Do you sell medicine here? They didn't have any at that shop. Eve's, I think."

"Oh, yes, we do!"

She sounds really relieved. Something was scaring her, and more so than the average angry father. Could he be abusive? The man didn't seem like that in the game, after Dagger took the throne and closed down that awful factory. Well, at least she did one thing right. Her whole hair-cutting thing after the destruction of Alexandria was very reminiscent of Akane's haircut from Ranma. It looked a lot better on Akane, anyway.

"What would you like?"

"What?"

"What kind of medicines would you like?" Slai clarifies in that kind of impatient voice kids get when they think they're talking to an idiot. I know that voice very well. My father knows it even more so.

"Um, I'll take twenty potions, fifteen remedies, twelve antidotes, eighteen phoenix downs, and three eye drops." What? My allergies could come back at any moment. It's just a precaution.

"That's a big order," the girl replies nonchalantly as she begins setting random glass bottles of varying shapes and sizes on the counter. Remedies are, surprisingly, the smallest, with a shape similar to that of the bottle from I Dream of Jeanie. The one Barbara Eden lived in when she was upset with Major Healy. If I were to ever do drag, it would so be in that pink and red number that she always wore. Then again, drag really isn't my thing.

"Well, when you're travelling with idiots as big as the ones I do, you need big orders," I confess to Slai as I begin to separate the liquids. Every single one is a different colour or shade, the only similarities being the design of the bottles. Potions are pretty much the same as they were the first time I came into contact with them, but the antidotes are like those little metal flasks alcoholics always carry in movie, except for the fact that they too are made of clear glass. Eye drops… well, they're eye drops. Think Visine. Or Clear Eyes. Oh, Ben Stein, why do you haunt me so? Last of all, phoenix downs look like potions, with two major exceptions. The first is that they're all the same colour, this weird light green, like mint ice cream. The second is the size. Think of a prescription bottle, and you have the height down. I'm just glad that they're made of glass instead of that amber-coloured plastic.

As Slai goes through the arduous task of filling my order, I glance at the only place the locals can get absolutely hammered. It's very dusty, has only one table with one chair, and there are half packed, or unpacked, boxes everywhere filled with everything from clothing to, you guessed it, even more booze. Fred Sanford would love it here.

"Are you allowed to sell food during the day, or is that off-limits, too?" I ask as I look over the menu. Actually, I'm famished. There was no way I was going to risk eating the complimentary breakfast provided by the inn. Come to think of it, I am really hungry. The last thing I ate was dirt, and that was compliments of the Plant Brain back in Evil Forest. How could I have gone so long without food? Maybe my being in this world has altered my genes and now I don't have to eat as often, or I simply forgot about food with the excitement of being on Gaia. Whatever the explanation, I'm still hungry now.

"No, we do sell food, just no drinks."

There's the continued clink of glass on wood as I continue to read the menu. In some sick sense or irony that would give my perverted brother years of ammunition for bad jokes and offhanded remarks, I come to realize that this bar serves only one type of food: pickles. Not just any pickles, but Lindblum pickles. The old lady in Lindblum always makes them seem so good, and Steiner even complimented their taste. Though, one could ask what Steiner knows about taste. The man is a walking fashion disaster.

"Could I have a couple jars of Lindblum pickles?" I ask as I open my satchel and fish around for the box with all of my money. Slai rolls her eyes and begins digging in another part of the hidden area behind the bar as my fingers finally wrap around the cool wood.

"Two hundred Gil," she says as she slams two large glass containers of pickles on the counter, right beside my earlier order, which I have yet to pay for.

"Two hundred Gil?" I shriek as I look at the menu again. There is no way that some pickles are that expensive. "I'm not paying that for two lousy jars of pickles. Quit trying to rip me off!"

Again, Slai rolls her eyes. "That's for the whole order, moron. It's only twenty-seven Gil for your precious pickles."

Oh. Now I feel about as stupid as the one guy in the office who missed the previous night's episode of Ugly Betty. Of course, that was for the whole order. If the price of clothing were so cheap over at Eve's, of course things would be just as cheap here. As cheap as a butt load of medicine and pickles can be, that is. I really wish that there were something else to eat in this place. Lindblum had better have cheese, or I'm going to go insane. A man needs his dairy, unless you're a vegan, but that's something else entirely.

I open the box and count out the bills before handing the money over. "You can keep the change."

"A thirty-seven Gil tip?" she gushes rather excitedly. "Thank you!"

"No problem," I tell her as I begin sweeping the jars and bottles into my man-purse. That's right, man-purse. A real man carries a purse. Anyway, there's no sound once they pass through the faux leather barrier. When I meet this "woman in white," I am so going to have to ask her how she did that. First, it looks like there's nothing in there when there definitely is stuff in it, and then you can't even here it. Can the crap I put in this thing break while it's in there?

"Goodbye, Sir," Slai announces in a not-so-subtle attempt to get me to leave. People in this village definitely aren't friendly, unless they're drunk. Those girls who gave me directions to the bar weren't so bad.

"See ya around!" I say with fake cheerfulness as I walk out the door, away from the dark and dust and into the sunlight. In all actuality, I'm far from being hopeful. Vivi is still gone, my companions think I'm worthless, and I still don't know what the whole point of .hack/sign was. At least I found out what (or should I say who) the Philosopher's Stone is. Thank goodness for Cartoon Network.

"Richard?" I hear a horribly familiar voice shout. Please don't be who I think it is. Next comes the clinking of metal, and I now know true fear. Oh, I so hope I still have that bribe on me.

"It's Rick!" I retort in my usual snotty way. Some people just bring out the bad in me, I guess.

"Richard!" Steiner gasps. He's completely out of breath, almost as though the rusty moron has been running around all day, which I don't really think he has. The guy is just too, shall we say, "rotund" to be able to run around for any length of time. Also, his voice is very ragged, like he's been screaming insults at an old man who works at a mountain changing flags to let an airship know whether or not it's safe to land. That I would believe. Now if only I could keep from believe that nasty rumour my mother told me about Oprah giving Gayle a show that flopped. Oprah can never do anything wrong. Rick loves Oprah. Yes he does. Yes he does.

Is my obsession with America's best talk show host obvious?

"Richard! Listen to me!" the king of rust commands angrily, as is his forte. "There is trouble! Your assistance is required!"

"What is it?" I ask sarcastically. To Steiner, trouble could be nothing more than applying the wrong shade of eye shadow. Not that I would know anything about that. What happens at Homecoming after parties stay at Homecoming after parties. "Did you find out that the armour at Dragoo's is a total rip-off?"

"What? We don't have time for your smarminess! The princess is being kidnapped!"

What? Dagger's being kidnapped already? It doesn't seem like it's been that long since I broke away from the others. This is a bad day. Last time there was a Black Waltz fight, Elena kicked my behind pretty good. What am I to expect this time? Kadaj, Vormav, or maybe even Kefka? This is so not good. They're so desperate to win that they need me. I've never been good at fighting. All I could do back in Ice Cavern was distract Elena while Zidane went into his Trance. That probably won't work this time.

"Where?" I scream. This is bad. I'm not going to be of any use. Still, I can't just do nothing, and I need to make sure Vivi is okay. I need to apologize to him for not doing anything to prevent it. If I run into that manager guy from the inn on my way to the fight, I am so going to bitch slap him. He just makes me so mad.

"Follow me!" Steiner shouts back. This must look really odd to those drunken girls, since Rusty and I are only three feet apart and screaming in each other's faces.

He starts clanking away, since you can't really run in full armour. I have to basically jog along with him, since I could get lost if I go too far ahead. There wouldn't be an issue if he'd just tell me where it was.

A scream rings out. It sounds like Dagger, so I pick up the pace and follow the noise instead of the nuisance. Heh, Rick made a funny.

"Oh my…" I whisper when I finally get there. The airship landed, probably when I was in the bar, but that's not what worries me. What has my concern is whom I'm supposed to fight.

Zidane is lying on the ground, holding his side, and Vivi looks like he's out cold. The attacker has Dagger by the hair, turning it painfully in his hand. Yes, his hand. This time, the assassin is a man: a very familiar looking man. He's wearing the same outfit as Elena, sans necktie, except it's all wrinkled and untucked. Red bangs are in need of a trim, and he has a long ponytail that reaches down to the middle of his back. It's almost a mullet. If it weren't for that, the guy would probably be hot. As is, the hair ruins the whole lazy chic thing he has going on.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it seems Reno is here, and I'm not talking about the TV show. Although it is a funny program. How does Comedy Central come up with such funny stuff? Still, I can't say I'm too surprised. Another Turk does make sense. As much sense as Turks being in FFIX makes, I guess. My head is so going to hurt later.

"What have we here? It seems Rusty has come back with a friend in tow. It doesn't matter, I'll still win," Reno chuckles confidently. Ha! He calls Steiner "Rusty," too. Maybe now the moron will catch a clue. Rust isn't pretty, and especially not on Steiner.

"Unhand the princess, you fiend!" shouts the outraged knight. Steiner raises his sword and runs at the redhead. In response, Reno pushes Dagger to the ground, pulls out a club, kind of like what police used on college students back in the 60's, and jumps into the air. He does this weird little flip thing, pushes off Steiner's head with his free hand, and lands on the ground completely unharmed. Okay, I know this guy is here to get Dagger and that he's been hurting my friends, but how cool was that?

As I'm sure some law of physics states, the force of Reno pushing off of Steiner while the rust bucket was moving causes the knight to crash to the ground. When Steiner gets up, he looks at his sword, which appears to have snapped in half. How could that have happened? Now is probably the best time to give him that sword that I bought.

"Hey, Rusty. Catch!" I shout as I reach into the bag and instantly feel the handle of the blade, and only the handle. That's a little odd, but I can't worry about it now. The almost cool Reno is attacking. Remember? Anyway, I pull the sword out effortlessly, but once every inch of the metal is free from my satchel it falls to the ground like a lead weight. I attempt to pick it up, but fail miserably. This is so embarrassing.

"You ran away to get this?" Reno laughs as he bends over and holds his stomach. Did I mention I was embarrassed? How did Dagger pick it up without any trouble? Aren't I supposed to be a knight? What good is a knight if he, or she, can't even pick up sword? About as good as Paul Reiser's acting career after Mad About You ended.

"Hey!" I cry defensively. Looking over at Zidane, I see that he has a big grin on his face and the only thing keeping him from laughing is the pain in his side. Jerk. "That's not very nice. I may not be able to pick up a sword, but at least I don't look like an extra from Joe Dirt, only in a suit badly in need of an ironing."

"Kid, I don't know what you just said, but I think I've been insulted. You must be the one who beat Elena. She told me all about the hair pulling. I doubt that'll work here, if you know what I mean," he brags as he flips his ponytail over his shoulder so that it's on his chest instead of his back.

So… Elena survived after all. I spare a glance at Zidane and catch a crushed look on his face. His ego must be ruined. Good. Something tells me that he can get annoying when he thinks he's the best thing around. After all, everyone knows that's me. Just kidding. I'm only the best dressed.

"Richard! Do something!" Steiner shouts at me rather angrily. "I did not bring you here to be worthless!"

Worthless? I am not worthless. Charlie Sheen's TV show Two and a Half Men is worthless. Really, what is so funny? It's no Laverne and Shirley, that's for sure.

"Screw you, Rusty! I went through the trouble of buying you this sword, and all you can do is call me worthless," I scream back as I point at the sharp weapon lying on the ground. "If that's how you feel, then maybe I shouldn't try to be nice to you anymore."

"I do not need you to be nice to me. Adelbert Steiner is man, not some needy child. Your insubordination is nothing short of treason. I hope you are executed when we return to Alexandria."

Treason again? Does this guy have nothing new to go on about? Now I hope he gets crushed when he learns the truth about his precious Queen.

"You know what, I may be childish, but at least I'm not a whiny mama's boy. Go run home to your mommy, baby, because I know you don't have a girlfriend or wife with a face like that. Believe me, that definitely is a face that only a mother could love, and I would be surprised if she does. Then again, she could be just as ugly as you," I retort. Taking a shot at a guy's mother is low, I know that. However, we're talking about Steiner. He threatens my life on a regular basis and referred to my mother as a prostitute the other day. All is fair in love and war, and there will definitely be no love lost at the end of this war.

"You… You…" the knight exclaims. He's speechless! This is not how I meant for today to turn out, but this moron will not lay off. "Cretin!"

Oh, I'm a cretin. Whatever. A cretin doesn't buy stuff for people he doesn't like. A cretin acts like he has some sense of entitlement to anything he wants and doesn't care who he has to offend to get it. That's not me. Actually, that sounds like a certain sword-wielding maniac that I know.

"Excuse me," Reno interrupts. "Um, aren't I supposed be the one fighting you guys? Just a thought."

"Oh, you don't want to mess with this," I tell the Turk, with finger snaps and the accompanying wiggle included. Oh, I'm so mad I'm going ghetto. This won't be pretty for any involved.

"Silence fool!" Steiner screams as he begins running at the assassin, swinging his half-a-sword. When he reaches Reno, the redhead whacks him in the face with his rod thing rather easily. I don't know if I should thank him or be worried.

Reno kneels next to Steiner and prods him with his weapon, but the knight doesn't move. Then he looks over at me with a nod and a scary grin. "It looks like it's just you and me. You ready?"

"Um… no?" I say as I shift my eyes at all my comrades. Vivi still isn't moving, and Zidane can't seem to get himself up. He has blood running down his face from a nasty gash on his forehead and can't seem to move. The only other one who can help is Dagger, but she as scared as I feel. There are definitely no Trances to save us this time. Dagger's trance is some weird special summoning thing, but she doesn't summon until the middle of the second disk, so that won't be of much help. I just don't think I have a trance.

"Too bad. I am."

With that, Reno stands up and walks in my direction very slowly. I don't know if he's actually walking slowly or if my brain is putting things into slow motion. Either way, this is going to be very different from my encounter with Elena. He was right. Hair pulling and insults regarding appearance probably won't work with him. The state of his attire definitely proves that. No man who cares about what people thinks of him would dress in clothes that look like they haven't been washed in a week.

I search for a way of escape but can't find one. Not good. So not good. Nobody has been in this much trouble since Reva Shayne was being held hostage by her own clone, who was trying to live her life as Reva.

There has to be something I can do to keep from being knocked out like Steiner and Vivi. I could fight him, but how can I do that if I can't even pick up a sword? Everyone has a weakness, though. What would Reno's be?

Before I have a chance to figure that out, though, my gut meets Reno's fist. He moved so fast that I almost didn't see him. When did the Turk leave slow motion mode? Oh, if only Linda Carter were here. She'd just spin around in a circle, turn into Wonder Woman, and save us all. Too bad that'll never happen. Or will it? Reno's here after all. Anything is possible, short of me sprouting wings and singing on tour with Madonna. Well, maybe the wings could happen. All of that bioengineering and whatnot. Singing with Madonna, though, that'll never happen. Maybe Whitney Houston, but I'd have to wake until she was really coked up before I would even attempt it.

"Ow! That really hurt!" I cry through watery eyes. Hurt it did. It actually hurt just to speak. My lungs feel like they're on fire, and they weren't even touched. "No wonder Elena said you were a stupid ape."

"Elena said that?" Reno mutters to himself. He even looks kind of depressed. It can't be that he has romantic feelings for the crazy blonde, could it? Whatever his feelings, though, he shakes his head and lies that it doesn't matter. "I came here to get the princess back, and I'm going to do just that. If you don't get it… Well, there's not anything you can do, is there?"

"Wrong!" Zidane screams as he leaps at the two of us, his Mage Mashers glinting in the sunlight. How can he move? When I got here, he barely seemed conscious. Maybe it was just an act. He is an actor after all. Just not a very good one, in my opinion. Don't tell him I said that, though.

With barely enough time to react, Reno ducks under the attack and Zidane flies over him and hits the ground. The thief then rolls to his feet rather skilfully. If he can do that when injured, I wonder what he can do when in perfectly good shape. Oh, the possibilities. Snap out of it, Rick! There's a fight going on. You can ruminate on alternate "sporting events" later.

"Hmm, it seems you may not be the amateurs I thought," Reno smirks as he stands up, driving his knee into my chin. Unfortunately for him, he must have done it wrong. While I'm lying on my back in pain, I see him hopping about on one leg with an expression on his face similar to what mine must be. My facial features must be bonier than I thought. Either that, or the whole not eating since coming to Gaia thing is making my face skinnier.

"Nobody beats Zidane Tribal, the king of thieves," the tailed wonder boasts as he wipes his bloody brow with his left arm. It's probably a good thing he's wearing a sleeveless shirt, because you just cannot get a bloodstain out of clothing. All of those little tips the newspapers give you just do not work. There was one time I poured about a gallon of bleach onto a white shirt to get out a speck of blood about the size of a nickel, and all it was change it from a rusty brown colour to a very pale tan. It's all a rip off, I tell you.

"The king of thieves? Obviously, you've never met a Turk before. We specialize in everything from burglary to murder. Oh, and we like the killing. Fortunately for us, the only thing we're supposed to bring back alive is that hot number over there," Reno says with a nod in Dagger's direction. I notice that when he says that, she gets a horrified look on her face, which quickly changes to one of outrage and fury. Hell hath no fury like a princess that's seriously ticked off.

Reno moves to attack Zidane, but Dagger gets there first. The Summoner swings her rod rather low and hits Reno in the… well, no babies in the near future for that particular redhead.

"Oh… this isn't the end. We'll be back," the bent over mercenary assures us in a very high-pitched voice before, erm, "supporting" himself and running away. We probably should stop him, but nobody really looks up to it. It was a rather short fight, though. I only got hit twice. Now if only the other monsters/villains/Steiner would follow his example.

"That was… interesting," Zidane says as he helps me up. I notice he winces as he does so. "Princess, who is Joe Dirt?"

"Oh, Honey, I'm fine. Thanks for asking. How are you?" I ask sarcastically in an attempt to avoid talking about the movie that nobody here has ever heard of. "It isn't everyday that a mentally and fashionably-challenged redhead decides to kidnap Dagger."

Although something tells me that it may become an everyday thing soon. Will the Turks be all to come after us, or does Brahne have something like the Red Wings at her disposal? Why does the thought of people like Cecil and Kain coming after me seem more frightening than people like Rude and Reno coming after me? It could have something to do with the fact that the Turks' reputation is often more than it's made out to be. Still, that and their attempts to kill my friends and I doesn't change how cool they are. Well, Rude and Reno are cool. Elena's just a psycho, and Tseng was nothing short of abominable on my opinion. I just can't idolize a man that slaps a woman.

"Can you check on Vivi for me?" Dagger asks as she puts a hand on Zidane's shoulder and begins to pull him away. "I'll look after this one."

Could she be anymore jealous? Instead of her, Zidane helps me. Then again, I could just remind her that she's the reason we all got attacked. "Sure thing. What about Steiner? You want him? I sure don't."

Must be the nice guy in me.

"Yes, I will handle him as well."

We part, them oblivious and me knowing exactly what'll happen. Or, at least, what should happen. I kneel next to the kid I let down, and notice that his eyes are open. I grab his wrist and feel for a pulse, but don't find one.

"No," I whisper. He can't be dead. I can't be the reason a little boy is dead. This just isn't right.

In desperation, I open the satchel, which is still hanging on my shoulder, reach my hand in, and grab a phoenix down. Don't ask me how I grabbed one without looking. It was like that was all there was in the thing. I didn't even feel the fabric of the clothes I bought. Anyway, I uncork the bottle and open Vivi's mouth. It isn't easy to force myself to pour the liquid down his throat, knowing that I'm probably violating his…

"My head hurts," Vivi coughs a few seconds later. So grateful that he's alive, I pull him into a hug, not caring one bit about the tears running down my face. The little guy does, though. "Rick, I can't breathe."

"Sorry, Cutie," I tell him when I let go. "You just had me scared there for a few seconds. You weren't breathing or anything. I was afraid you weren't alive."

He stops looking at me and begins looking at something over my shoulder. What did I… Stupid, Rick, just stupid! Why didn't you just tell him that Kuja created him and get it over with? You're such an idiot!

"Hey, Vivi! Princess!" Zidane shouts. I look around and see Steiner, Zidane, and Dagger standing by the ladder to the airship. "Rusty here says this is headed to Lindblum. Come on, already!"


	8. Chapter 8

Someone needs to invent a time machine so I can go back in time and kill whomever it was that invented ladders. You need upper body strength to lift yourself up the bars, and that is one thing that my genetic donors, a.k.a. parents, did not pass on to me. The big butt and even bigger mouth, of course, but no positive attributes whatsoever. Screw Nature vs. Nurture: this will always suck. If I knew how much exercise was involved, I would've told Steiner to flake off and just gone back to sleep on those stairs. Maybe I would've woken up back home or, even better, in Stars Hollow to have grand adventures with Lorelai and Rory. There is nothing more fun than hanging out with a mother-daughter duo who just happen to talk fast and be slightly touched in the head.

Anyway, back to ladders. They are not pleasant. Right now, I happen to have Zidane's behind right in my face. Not pleasant. It may look good from a distance, but up close it's not. I'm just hoping that there won't be a warm breeze in my face anytime soon.

"Aah!" I hear Dagger scream, followed by some chuckling from Zidane. I almost forgot that he's a pervert. How does my life end up with me underneath a pervert? And not in the fun way.

"Ooh, soft," he murmurs just soft enough that Dagger can't hear him. Really, I can't hear him, but I know what he's going to say.

"Shut up and get a move on!" I yell over the sound of the starting engine. For emphasis, I give his butt a good swat. Then he proceeds to scream louder than Dagger. Geez, it's not like I groped him. Men can be so uptight. I remember this one time at band camp… Wait. I never was at band camp. Maybe it was just a dream. Eh, who kills? Cares! I mean, who cares? I never killed a counsellor at band camp. Yeah, that's right. Nothing happened.

"Princess!"

Not even Jason Lee could understand the karmic significance of this moment. Dagger looks down at me with a grin before disappearing over the balcony-thing. She so loves me.

"Just move it already. We do have a flight to Lindblum that's getting ready to take off."

Actually, it's already moving. The airship, I mean. It started right after I latched onto the ladder. Just thought that needed clarifying.

"You are such a freak," Zidane mutters as he grabs my arm to help hoist me over the edge and onto the loading platform. Hey, I don't know what it's called. Do I look like some kind of expert flying guy? If I do, then shoot me. Those beat up leather jackets they wear are so hideous that even Kelly Osborne wouldn't be seen in them. "Let's go, Dagger and the others are waiting for us."

"What's Lindblum like?" I ask while peaking over the railing to see the ground flying by below rather quickly before turning into a bunch swirling Mist. Unlike the last time I saw it, the Mist isn't reflecting the sunlight. Now it's just like silver silk. "I've never been there. I guess you would know that, though, what with my not knowing anything about travelling."

"Well, it's a town full of beautiful women who just happen to be in love with me," he says dreamily, all thoughts of actually going inside gone. He leans against the railing, the wind blowing his hair in front of his face. He really should cut it. Maybe I'll be able to convince him to let me get my hands on it. I never mentioned my highly stylized plans for Dagger's hair to anyone, and now I don't think they're ever going to come to some sort of fruition: so much for reviving the bob.

"I'm sure they are."

"You don't believe me!" Zidane exclaims in fake disbelief and false offence. "Here I thought we were friends. I'm going to run off and cry now. I hope I don't ruin my makeup!"

"You jerk," I laugh while slapping him playfully. I'm not sure if he's making light of me or someone else, since I never wear makeup. Drag just isn't my thing. That has probably been mentioned several times already, and it probably will be well into the future. Stupid Harvey Firestein and his amazing ability to wear women's clothes.

Then the door to the interior of the ship swings open and Dagger sticks her head out. She's looking directly at me, and she's definitely not smiling. I know this part. It's when Vivi finds the other mages walking around like zombies. Stepford mages. Completely and utterly without thought. Almost like Britney Spears, except without the sluttiness and an ex-husband nobody likes.

"Rick, Zidane, we need you in here. There's something… It's Vivi. It has to do with what we saw back at Dali."

That last part was spoken to Zidane only.

The three of us look at each other without speaking a word, and then I find myself taking the initiative and pushing past Dagger.

Being inside the airship is a lot different from being out of it. It's colder out there than it is in here, that's for sure. This place feels like an oven. There are gallons of sweat collecting under my arms. It's not a pretty picture, but I'm not the one that gathered the paints, so to speak. Anyway, the weird thing is that it's hot when the engine runs on cold Mist. I didn't remember initially because of the drastic change between Ice Cavern and the cliff, but the temperature change between the Valley of the Mist and Dali is somewhere around twenty degrees, with Dali being the warmer. Isn't Valley of the Mist the name of a movie?

Also, there are about twenty black mages walking around like robots. Vivi is running between them, trying rather unsuccessfully to get their attention. It's like they can't even see him.

"Hey, Cutie," I coo when he returns to the door. I know I'm patronizing him, but there really isn't much that I can do. Emotions and whatnot really aren't my speciality. I'm more superficial than that, as shallow as it sounds. There's too much drama in the world without me having to add my own. "What are you up to?"

"They're ignoring me, like they can't hear me or something," is all he says before wrapping his arms around Dagger's leg. The young woman looks confused as she awkwardly pats his head.

"I'm going to try to find Rusty, okay?"

I have to get out of here. Steiner really isn't what I wanted to bother with right now, but I figure I'll leave it up to Zidane to cheer the munchkin up. A middle-aged, overweight, rust-covered pile of scrap metal needs a good talking to, after all.

There's another ladder to climb, and then a trapdoor set in the ceiling has to be pushed open. When I do so, I encounter brighter sunshine than there had been back in Dali. Maybe it's because we're closer to the fiery orb. After remembering why I'm here, I look around for Steiner but don't see him. He wasn't down in the engine room. Where could Rusty have gone?

A hand is set on my shoulder, and I jump out of shock. Then I turn around and see that it's just Zidane. He has one of those unreadable looks on his face. "Did you find him yet, Princess?"

"Find who?"

"Steiner, you moron," he says with a laugh. He doesn't seem as self-absorbed as he did in the game, but that doesn't change the fact that Zidane can be blunt. He'd better be glad that I'm a nice person. I could be some lunatic who likes to kill things. Sword, gun, magic wand, it doesn't really matter. All that matters is how good I look while doing it. Unfortunately, Pierce Brosnan ruined action for all of us non-British men. No matter what we do, we just can't measure up.

Then I hear it. In Jaws it's the weird music, in Psycho it's the screeching violins, in Queens it's the clicking of twelve-dollar high heels. For me, the sound that means impending doom is the clinking of rusty metal.

Surprisingly, it's not my name that's screamed out. "Princess! Why oh why could I not stop the pilots from taking off? Now you have been left with those criminals and poor Master Vivi." Does he not know we're here? I'm too afraid to turn around and find out. He's the opposite of what my parents always wanted in a child: he's heard but not seen. Of course, I always have to be both. There is nothing more interesting in this world or mine than me when I want to be. Except for Oprah, but that's a given.

"Steiner, she's downstairs," I mutter when I turn around and see the knight stumbling and crying. It's almost like he's drunk. There's no way he could've done that. He didn't have the time or the alcohol. Only a Kennedy can get plastered without those necessities.

"Really?" he says with a big smile. That's very unlike Steiner. Scary, almost. Then he notices that it's Zidane and me that he's talking to and does a complete 180. "You two! What have you done with the princess?"

Didn't I just say she was downstairs?

"Calm down, Rusty. She's in the engine room with Vivi," Zidane answers flippantly. He rolls his eyes and scratches his butt. One of these days, if he's still doing that, I'm going to cut his hands off. It doesn't matter how masculine it is, it's disgusting. A man's behind is good for only three things. Two are for the disgusting acts of flatulence and defecation. The third one is much morefun.

"Do not speak to me like that, you filth! When we return to Alexandria, I will see that you two are executed!"

He's going to kill me, I'm the scum of the earth, blah blah… doesn't this guy have anything new? Then again, I could say the same thing about Toby Keith and Kenny Chesney. They're last few albums sound like exactly the same things. You would have thought that Kenny's break-up with Renèe would have given him cause to reach deep into himself and write some music that equates life to something more than a bottle of tequila or a tropical vacation. Though, one would have to wonder why they hooked up together to begin with. He's so obviously not that into… never mind, I don't want to be sued. Lawyers aren't as sexy as Brothers and Sisters makes them appear.

"Hey, Princess," Zidane whispers into my ear while Steiner has his back to us. Something about not wanting to soil his mind with the image of such refuse or some fancy way of calling me trash. "Keep him busy. I have a plan."

Keep him busy? If given the opportunity, Steiner would rant and rave about my shortcomings until the Dusk of the Gods. That's Armageddon, people. Pick up a book sometime. They're good for more than just propping open windows on hot summer nights in hopes of a cooling breeze or a midnight visitor. Oops, I think I just slipped into one of Billy Bob Thornton's movies. Glad I got out before the racist grandfather got drunk and beat up a mannequin while dressed as a mall Santa.

"You know, Dagger was looking pretty pleased with herself when I ran into her this morning, and my back is kind of stiff despite sleeping in an actual bed," I say rather loudly, catching the knight's attention as they thief sneaks off rather, well, sneakily. And everyone wonders why I'm not acing English. "Do you think they could be related?"

Yep, that did it. Steiner looks seriously ticked off. I haven't seen anyone this mad since Faith Hill lost Female Vocalist to Carrie Underwood at the CMAs. If only he were as aesthetically pleasing to look at. If only I knew what "aesthetically" means. Now I wish I'd gotten sucked into Bones, then I could just ask Dr. Brennan. That, and I'd get to stare to David Boreanas. Who wouldn't want that?

Actually, I think it worked a little too well. Steiner has now drawn the sword I bought him back in Dali. That was a bad idea. How do I know it's the one I bought him? It's completely intact, whereas his original one broke when his girth fell on top of it. Yet, this one is already beginning to develop patches of rust. Does he have some sort of Pigpen-esque complex that states anything metallic he touches turns to rust?

"How dare you insult the honour of the princess with such an implication? I shall forgo the custom of a trial and behead you now for your slander and malfeasance!" the loon declares as he starts clinking in my direction with the large piece of sharpened rust held over his head. For some reason, my feet won't move. It's like I'm a deer caught in a pair of headlights. At the last second, I dodge and lose some of my hair to his swordsmanship.

He cut my hair. He cut my hair. HE CUT MY HAIR! That is it. I have had it with this guy. Hero or not, I am not putting up with an unwanted hacking of my precious tresses. The MCoDs have been craving blood ever since I first got here, and they're finally going to get it.

"You don't know what you're in for!" I scream at the top of my lungs in a rather high-pitched voice more befitting of a prepubescent little girl. No Ben Stein here. Steiner even looks slightly taken aback. Then it happens: I attack. I leap high into the air, the sun reflecting off my nails, and my fingers curl into their most dangerous of attack positions. Each moment seems to go by in slow motion as I inch closer and closer to the shocked warrior. However, my gym teacher's many, many, many warnings of my inability to judge distance and lack of eye-hand coordination come into contact with my no speed. The knight who wants to kill me bats me away at the last second with the flat side of his sword. To think I thought Elena beating me up hurt. Ow!

"Clearly, I do, you heathen!" he shouts at the top of his voice as he holds that pointy thing at my head. Why am I always the one that gets smacked around? It could be Zidane, but no. It has to be me. I distract Elena, I distract Steiner, I have to buy the medicines for our trip to Lindblum. I couldn't even deal with Reno. Dagger is the one that takes him out. Feelings of inadequacy are starting to develop. Big time.

The airship jerks to the side, and Steiner is thrown to the floor while I slide to the other side of the deck. Zidane had better be steering the thing. Otherwise, I'm not going to be a very happy camper. Anyone who remembers yesterday morning knows how I can get when I'm camping and not happy. People get hurt. Of course, it's somehow always me, but that's not important. Wait. Yes it is!

I climb to my feet, slowly because of the pain, and watch Steiner do the same. The look in his eyes says that he has the same idea as me. Kill the monkey. Zidane would never die at my hands, though. I'd just stand by and watch. Yeah, that's how mad I am right now. I'm tired of getting smacked and thrown around.

Luckily, for me, heavy armour outweighs throbbing back pain, so I reach Zidane first. He's inside the little steering room thing, standing at the wheel with all of these little knobs and valves around him. Cinna so must have taught him how to fly.

"You are so in the doghouse right now!" I mutter as I slide into the room and sit on the floor with my back against the console. Looking up, I see Zidane smiling and happily humming a song that I don't know. Geez, it's like he doesn't even care! "Honey, you could at least have told me what you were going to do. Now I've got an angry Steiner and a sore back to deal with."

"Why not just heal yourself again?" he asks brightly with a wink.

"If I knew how to do it, then I would have, you jerk!" I cry as I open my bag and pull out a potion. This one tastes kind of sweet, like I always imagined wine would. I haven't had wine yet, though. No matter how mature I may seem, I am only seventeen, after all.

"Wonderful, Princess. Because you're incompetent, I'm a jerk." Zidane laughs and shakes his head. I throw the empty bottle at him and miss, which only makes him laugh harder. Shouldn't Steiner be here by now? Someone needs to put Mr. Pilot here in his place. If it weren't for the fact that the potion hasn't completely taken effect yet, I'd do it myself.

Then it happens. Oddly enough, Steiner still isn't here, but the Black Mages show up nonetheless. Faces are devoid of emotion, but I can tell that they're kind of ticked off. If such a thing is possible before their "awakenings."

"Um, sorry. We need to go that way," Zidane tells them nervously as he points in the direction that the airship is currently headed. "We're just borrowing this until we get to Lindblum, okay?"

A voice answers him, but it's neither the black mages nor me. It's Dagger. "Rick, Zidane!" the princess shouts as she burst into the tiny. Her eyes widen at the sight of all the black mages. "Um, am I interrupting something?"

"We're just all getting ready to do our nails and dish on the latest gossip about Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz. Care to join?" I offer sarcastically. What? I told you that I was in a bad mood, didn't I? Or did I just say I was angry? Well, I'm in a bad mood, too. So there.

"What are you talking about?"

"I wasn't talking to you!" I shout at Zidane. These black mages must think I'm nuts, if they're capable of thinking yet. Heck, half the time even I doubt I'm able to think straight. Wow, yet another oxymoron. I may just have to become a writer. Iris Johansen, eat your heart out.

"Quit being stupid," he growls as he kicks at me. It doesn't really hurt, but in retaliation, I dig the MCoDs into his leg and he yelps. No blood was drawn since there was a layer of denim between them and his skin. Still, the MCoDs are satisfied… for now. They never did get to rip into the clerk of the inn like they wanted.

Zidane angrily grabs his leg when I release him. He's probably checking to see if I did any permanent damage. I half hope I did.

"Princess! You are so dead!" he shouts. Then he follows up by straddling me and grabbing the front of my shirt and shaking me rather roughly. In an attack reminiscent of my fight with Elena, I grab a handful of his hair and pull, him screaming out an obscenity at the pain.

Suddenly, I realize something. As if reading my mind, my head immediately drops in defeat.

"You okay, Princess?" Zidane wonders when he notices me feebly looking away. Giving up is so unlike me. Believe me, I know. He grabs my wrists and pulls my hands from his head. "Is something wrong?"

"Honey…" I whisper so low that I even I can barely hear it. Slowly, I remove my hands from his grasp and bring my breathing under control.

"Yeah?"

"Get off me!" I scream as I push him onto his back. After that, laughter begins to bubble up until I completely lose control over it. Heavy guffaws escape my mouth rather easily.

"Rick! Zidane!" Dagger cries again. Geez, doesn't she know not to interrupt guys when they're goofing off?

"What?" Zidane and I yell at the same time. Eerie, isn't it?

"It's Steiner. He's unconscious. I left Vivi with him. Now would you two quit fooling around and get out there?"

I scratch my head. There's something I'm forgetting.

"If we all go out there, then who's going to steer the airship?" Zidane asks before I can realize that that's the question I was pondering. He stole my question! Now how am I supposed to sound smart and witty if everyone keeps asking my questions?

"I can steer it."

"Don't be silly, Rick," Dagger mutters without humour. "You don't know the first thing about flying."

"I know more than you," I tell her with a flip of my hair. I would stand up for dramatic effect, but Zidane is still on me. Stupid monkey. "Why would anyone bother to teach royalty how to fly? Don't they get their own pilots or something like that?"

"Well," Zidane laughs nervously as he jumps to his feet and all but runs to the door. "I guess I'm the one that's going to see what's up with Rusty. Have fun with whatever this is."

With that, he runs away like voters from the Republican Party. Wuss. If he can't stand the heat, then he'd better stay out of the kitchen.

"You'd better go, Rick," Dagger says. Jarred out of my ruminations, I look around and catch the orange-clad girl standing beside me with both hands on the steering wheel thing. On my steering wheel thing! Wait, no, that doesn't sound right. What I mean to say is… I should be steering this ship! She did well in the game, so I know that I can do great. "They need someone out there who can revive Steiner."

"I told you that I don't know how I healed myself!" I shriek in my scary-girl voice as I wave my hands over my head. How many ways can I explain this to her? "It could have just been a fluke."

Dagger shakes her head and gives me that look that says she thinks I'm an idiot. The tone in her voice confirms that that is precisely what she is thinking. "You have the phoenix downs, don't you? The potions and whatever else you bought is in that purse of yours, right? You did pick up the supplies, didn't you? I would hate to learn that you are incapable of accomplishing even that simple of a task."

What is with her attitude all of a sudden? She's being such a… Well, let's just say that she's acting like Raquel Malone after her ascension from majorette to cheerleader. I so should have been the one to make the squad.

"Yes, I bought them. They're right here in my…" I state as I lift the satchel, which looks like it's empty. Then I realize what she just said. "It is not a purse! Men do not have purses: they have man-bags. You're just jealous because you don't have one. That, and your ugly attire. Seriously, orange? Why not just hold up a sign that says: 'Here I am, Mommy! Come and catch me and kill all of my friends!' Seriously, what is wrong with you? Aside from being ugly, those pants are just so… so… PUFFY!"

"Richard, you are wearing undergarments with a large yellow stain on your shirt, but I've been courteous enough not to mention it," Dagger tells me rather nonchalantly as she gives the wheel a slight turn. "Now, if you don't mind…"

"It's Rick!" I interrupt with yet another of my patented shrieks. Geez, I've yelled so much today that my voice is going to be as raspy as that of some unknown jazz musician. Hold on. I'm just wearing underwear? "Wait a minute. What do you mean by 'undergarments'? I have more on than Zidane, and I don't see you telling him anything about underwear."

"He is wearing a pauper's clothes, Rick. You are in the under-uniform of a Knight of Pluto. Steiner has already yelled at you several times about it. I'm surprised you did not believe him."

Really? Old Rusty told me that? Hmm, must have been when I wasn't listening to him. Well, things will be awkward when we get to Lindblum. There won't be any time to change, what with the third attack… Crap! I knew I was forgetting something! Steiner was right behind me before I came to the bridge, if that's what this room can be called. He's unconscious now, which must mean that…

"Get away from there!" I shout to Zidane and Vivi as they mill around Steiner's prone body. That makes him sound a little dead, I know, but what else can I call it? They can't hear me, so I start banging on the glass to the window in a failing attempt to catch their attention. "You have to get away from him!"

"Rick?" Dagger asks in that voice that makes it sound like she thinks I'm crazy. I'm becoming very acquainted with that voice lately. "Why would they need to go away from where you need to go?"

Are we still on that? "Steiner was fine when it was just him, Zidane, and me up here. When you guys came up, though, you said he was unconscious. That must mean that there's someone else. Some we don't know about. Unless you think the black mages did it."

As if to answer my question, Zidane comes flying at the window and crashes through it, taking me to the floor with him. Several shards of glass imbed themselves in me and I do what all men do when they're in pain. I suck it up.

"Ow," Zidane groans as he struggles to stand. Then he looks at me and his eyes widen. "Geez, Princess. There's no need to cry like you're some kind of little baby. It's just some glass. Nothing a potion or two won't cure."

"But it really, really hurts!" I bawl as I wipe the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. He doesn't have to be so mean.

"Come on, get up," he says with a wince as he offers a hand to me. I take it and he hoists me to my feet. "Chug yourself a potion and get your butt in gear. We can't leave Vivi out there alone."

"He's not alone, Zidane," Dagger says rather loudly. While opening my satchel, I turn my head and look through blurry eyes to see the black mages surrounding Vivi and some blurry figure that I can't make out. If I knew what we were dealing with, I would know what to do. So what if I've never beat a videogame without the use of cheat codes?

The mages start waving their arms and I can feel the hairs on my arms standing up in anticipation as I finally pull a potion out and pull off the cork without only the minimal requirements of whimpers. See, I am tough after all.

After the taste of peppermint subsides, Zidane grabs my hand and starts pulling me out the door.

"No, I don't want to go!" I scream as I hold onto the door frame. "Make Dagger do it! She's the one that beat that guy back in Dali! I can steer the ship for you guys!"

"Come on, Princess," Zidane huffs as he grabs my arm with both hands and starts pulling on me rather roughly. "Dagger's doing just fine by herself. We have to help Vivi."

"And Steiner!" Dagger adds with a laugh at my situation. I'm very thankful that the potion pushed the glass out of my skin as it healed me. Otherwise, I would be in a lot of pain right now.

"Whatever." Zidane places one leg on the side of the door frame that I'm not latched onto. He pulls again and seems even stronger this time, because once again we crash to the floor in one big heap. Can someone say uncoordinated? "Now come on!"

I cry, scream, and kick as I'm drug over the wooden planks. It's not fair, I tell you! Everyone is screaming at me and being mean.

"What did you do that for?" I hear Vivi scream over the roaring of the wind. Hmm, since Dagger has started steering, we seem to be going faster. If we were back on earth, she would probably be one of those old ladies who go 80 mph through a school zone. Speed demons and stuff. That would make a great FOX show, "Granny Racers: the only things faster than their cars are the insults they throw at their daughters-in-law."

"Where are all of those mage guys?" Zidane asks. He stops moving me around, but doesn't let me go. That makes it very hard for me to stand up. As a result, I have to twist around to see just who it is my little buddy is speaking with.

Just as I thought, it's Rude. He looks so cool, with his suit and sunglasses. Plus, he has really broad shoulders that stretch his shirt against his body really well. Unlike Reno, he can actually pull the suit look off. Heck, right now, I'd like to pull it off of him. Wait. He's the bad guy. Not going there.

"Hello there," I say meekly with a wave from my position on the floor. As if remembering that he still has a hold of me, Zidane lets go and I hit the floor painfully before standing up. Okay, this day is getting so much worse than I had planned. Despite being the best looking and sanest of the Turks (Elena falls to last place in both, obviously), Rude is also the toughest if my FFVII experience is to be relied upon. Never really could gauge how strong Tseng was, since you don't fight him in the game. He must have been up there, though. The guy was the leader of the Turks, after all.

Rude doesn't respond. That's very odd. Elena probably would have gone off on some tangent about kicking the crap out of me before doing it, and Reno would definitely have returned the greeting before kicking the crap out of me.

"Don't get chummy with him, Princess," Zidane advises. Come on, does he really think that I'm that stupid? I watched Buffy. I know that allying yourself with the forces of evil always comes back to bite you. Let's just hope it's not as literal for me as it was for Willow and the rest of the Scooby Gang. Come to think of it, we don't have a group name like that. FFVII had AVALANCHE, FFVIII had SeeDs, FFX had guardians and summoners, and FFX-2 had the Gullwings and/or YRP. What should we call ourselves? OH, I know! We'll be "Wonderful Rick and his fabulous friends! Plus Steiner."

"It's called psyching him out," I inform the thief with a shove.

He bonks me on the back of my head rather roughly before addressing Rude. "Leave now, and we won't hurt you. I know you're here for Dagger. I'm afraid I can't let you take her. Not for less than twenty-thousand Gil, anyway…"

This time, it's my turn to hit Zidane. "You idiot! If you do that, I'll wake Steiner up and let him kill you right now."

"I'm just kidding, Miss Priss," he says as he rubs his sore arm. "Since when are you so violent?"

"Since I got you for a friend," I answer. Then I dramatically whirl back to a confused-yet-still-cool looking Rude and point my finger at him. "You may be really hot, but I won't betray my friends for that. Wait! I am not a priss!"

"Yes you are!" Zidane shouts back. "You think I didn't notice, but you compulsively clean your fingernails. Heck, you're doing it right now!"

Looking down, I see that he's right. That doesn't mean I'm prissy, though. I'm just clean.

"Guys," Vivi interrupts. "He just went after Dagger."

Zidane and I both turn around to see Rude calmly walking in the direction of the princess steering the airship. When did he get past us?

"Stop, criminal! Or else face the wrath of Wonderful Rick and his fantastic friends!" I declare with an outstretched finger and imposing demeanour. Rude stops momentarily to regard me with his eyes, which are hidden behind awesome shades. Do sunglasses actually exist here, or are they some kind of import from when he got here? My new outfit would look great with some sunglasses.

The moment is ruined when Zidane smacks me in the back of the head. Could I possibly get an "Ow"?

"Don't ever say that again," he warns. "I am Zidane, not a 'fabulous friend.' Where did that even come from? Whatever you're smoking, I'll probably need after this fight."

Aside from the pain, there's something bothering me about what just happened in the last ten seconds. Zidane asked me for pot. I don't think he was serious, but the very fact that they know of its existence here is something that would excite Deadheads for years to come.

Without a word, Rude turns his back on us and continues on his way. I know he's a cretin. That doesn't make it any less impolite. Since when do assassins act like common thieves? On my mother's grave, I swear that I will have him say at least two words to me. So, what if my mother's not dead?

"I thought I told you to stop!" With a speed known only to teenage boys who have been battered like a pancake, I chase down the Turk. He stops just as I reach him. When my hand touches his shoulder, he grabs it and throws me forward. I crash through the glass like Zidane had just moments before. Dagger jumps a little at my sudden arrival. The only way I know is that the ship has some sort of reaction. It swivels jerks rather violently and throws me against the wall. At least there's no glass stuck in me this time.

"Rick?"

"Yeah?" I mutter as I stand up. This has to end soon.

"What is he doing?"

My gorgeous brown eyes look out the one window that has yet to be broken. Rude is staring right at Dagger while holding his left hand up to his ear. He lowers it then checks something on his wrist. The warrior turns and walks to the edge of the airship. Zidane runs at him, but is batted away rather easily. Pathetic almost. At least I managed to touch the guy.

Rude climbs up onto the railing, casts one last look in the direction of our princess, and then jumps off. He just jumps off the side of the ship!

"Did anyone else see that?" I ask dumbly.

"Yes. I did," Dagger answers just as dumbly.

We are coming up on South Gate at a rather fast pace. Guess her Highness doesn't know how to steer this thing as well as she thought. I so would have done a better job.

Zidane comes stumbling towards us, as it is suddenly hard to walk normally. There's all of this pressure starting to bear down on me. Dagger's showing signs of strain, too. I grab the wheel to help her keep it straight, and it almost rips my arms off. How was she able to do it by herself?

"Slow down!" the thief screams when he does finally reach us. He grabs the frame of one of our broken windows. "Slow down! We're going to crash into South Gate!"

"I can't!" Dagger screams back. "That man… he did something to the airship!"

Then comes a sound that drives fear so deep I can feel it in my bones.

An explosion throws the airship forward with a jerk, and Vivi begins to lose his balance. Considering how close he is to the edge… I can't watch.

I cover my eyes and cower as aftershocks, or whatever they're called, roll over the thing and I get thrown around a bit. Zidane is shouting, Dagger is screaming, and the wind is whistling through my ears. Rude put a bomb on-board. Rude put a bomb on-board. I figured he wouldn't be able to use magic, so it's not terribly surprising, but HE BLEW UP THE AIRSHIP!

A shadow passes overhead, which means we have to have entered South Gate. I crack my eyes open to catch sight of Zidane leaning over the railing and holding onto Vivi's arm as the mage flails in the wind. We head straight for the closing doors of the gate. Pleasant? No. Will we make it? Probably not.

However, as if to prove me wrong, we do make it. Shortly after, though, the engine sputters and dies. The grounds comes closer and closer. How may crashes will I have to endure until I can get home?


	9. Chapter 9

Make it stop. Make it all just stop. The world is over, as I knew it, and much of it I did not know. World, I have to tell you this with the utmost of despair. My once gorgeous hair is now beyond saving. Steiner really did a hack job on it. One of these days, I'm going to get that pile of rust alone and sick three thousand drag queens on him.

What do you mean, they don't have drag queens here? Of course they do, everyplace has at least one. Even my conservative hometown of Hellhole had one. So what if people in the Middle Ages couldn't be out of the closet? That's what the theatre is for. Closeted men in their forties and fifties are supposed to win Tony's. Young men, too.

Oh, right, my hair. Remember when Steiner tried to cut my head off and only got some of my beautiful locks instead? Well, he got more than some. The way it looks, I have only three options available: get extensions, a buzz cut, or shave it all off. Why did it have to be me? Why, oh, why me? Why not Zidane? He doesn't do anything with his hair. It could have been Dagger, even. It wouldn't matter, since she was going to hack it off anyway.

"Buck up, Princess," the thief whispers at me from the reception room of the Lindblum Palace. "This Minister guy is going to be here any moment, and the last thing we need is for you to start crying again."

"I'm not going to cry," I hiss angrily. How dare he! "Besides, it was only my hair, not something important like one of your girly magazines."

"What's a magazine?"

"NO TALKING!" one of the Lindblum guards shouts at us. Creep. Just because we crashed an airship into one of the walls of the castle doesn't mean he has to be rude. Seriously, whatever happened to manners? I thought that all royalty and their staff were supposed to know these things.

Oh, you might be wondering just how the others and I got here. Well, it's an incredibly short story: we crashed the cargo ship into the side of the castle, and the guards were going to throw us into the dungeon until Dagger showed them her rock. Remember? Big piece of valuable jewellery that I all but drooled over back when we were travelling in the Mist? Yeah, I thought so.

Well, after that little show, they hauled us through the Serpent Gate and up the elevator to wait for Minister Artania. I didn't actually hear them say that, what with all of the polished metal showing just what an ugly freak I am, but who else could it be? Draclau? Preposterous! That old fart isn't even the type of minister that I'm talking about.

"Minister Croft is here!" the guard shouts. Dagger and Rusty do this weird little bow that Zidane and Vivi try to mimic. Of course, being the idiot that I am, I just stand there until one of the guards whacks me in the back of the knee with his pointy stick thing. What are those called again? Right, a spear! Yeah, the guy totally whacks me with a spear! How rude is that? He could have at least asked me to kneel instead of imposing this pain on my undeserving body. Why must the pretty suffer the most?

After I get over the initial pain, I rearrange my body into the correct position and try to catch my friends' eyes. Dagger is looking like she found a million dollars, Zidane is literally drooling, Steiner is pretty much the same as Zidane, and I still can't read Vivi.

"Auntie Lara!" Dagger shouts as she stands up and runs to the person in the room that I've yet to see. Turning my head, I catch sight of just what is enthralling my male travelling partners.

“Curvy” and “buxom” are probably two words that one would use when they see Lara Croft. The tight outfits definitely see to that. However, the Lara I see before me now isn't the same Lara Croft from the video games or the movies. She's about forty, wears glasses, still has her trademark braid only with grey at her temples, and there are wrinkles around her eyes and lips. Also, despite being fully clothed, she continues to emit this aura of absolute sexuality. It's not even about her body, though even I can tell that she's worked hard to keep it hard. You can tell how toned her physique is with each movement that she makes. I swear, I would be just like Rusty and the perv over there if it weren't for the obvious.

"Princess Garnet!" Lara cries with glee as she catches the romantic lead in a hug and spins about effortlessly. When they finish, Garnet is sat back on her feet and I offer her my hand. She takes it and I kiss the back like I've seen done in many of those stupid old movies that my parents would watch when I was younger.

"It is my pleasure."

"Don't I know it?" Lara smirks as she knocks my hand aside, catches it, and then gives me a firm handshake. "That's how I greet young men like yourself. Though, I must wonder, why are you in your undergarments?"

Hmm. There's no coldness to her, despite the British accent. She is a genuinely warm and inviting person. I think she would make a great hag. Really, I do. "Oh, you don't want me to bother you with such a long and dull story."

"It's because he is a degenerate, Minister Croft!" Steiner interrupts with a roar as he points his sword at me. Seems he broke free of the spell. "He has joined the tailed one in an attempt to kidnap the princess and hold her ransom against her will! Please step back so that I may destroy him!"

"Shut up, Steiner!" I shriek angrily as I whirl around and stare at the stupid knight. My fists are clenched at my sides because I don't want the MCoDs to overhear the argument and get all excited in front of the people with big and pointy weapons.

A hand is laid on my shoulder and I looked up to see that it belongs to Lara, who, in case I forgot to mention it, is about six inches taller than me. "Adelbert Steiner. The last time I saw you, you were acting more like a nanny than a knight." At this, the palace guards begin to laugh until she cuts them off with a stern but friendly smile. "I will hear your testimony on the wreck later. I need to speak with the Princess alone. Now, if you will excuse me…"

"Auntie Lara," Dagger asks in a very soft and babyish voice that I've never heard her use before, "could my friends come, too? I dragged them into this, so the least I can do is let them know why they were protecting me from those Turk guys."

Lara's eyes grow wide and her lips thin at this revelation. She pulls Dagger into an embrace that no doubt would inspire wet dreams for many, many of the fanboys out there. Of course, it's not meant to be that way, but it seems that Zidane, the guards, and, shockingly, even Steiner don't care. Vivi is just looking at the floor. How I wish for my little chatterbox back.

"You poor child," the Minister whispers as she nuzzles the top of Dagger's head with her cheek. "She would actually go so far as to send the Turks after you? What kind of mother would do that? I'm so sorry. Please, stay here in the castle under the protection of our guards. I can't promise you an end to this war, but I can promise you a safe haven."

"There is no war! That is just propaganda spread about the Queen by those who would steal her power!"

"Shut up, Steiner!" I shriek again, only through tears this time. What? It is an incredibly touching moment.

"Could we please see Uncle Cid first?" Dagger asks as she pulls her face out of Lara bosom and looks up at the motherly figure with tears in her eyes, too. Ha! Told you it was touching! You're all just perverts like Zidane. Speaking of the thief, he's still leering at them with his mouth open and tongue hanging out.

"Buck up, Honey," I mutter as I tug on his ear to bring him back to reality. "I think we're getting ready to go somewhere or do something. It simply wouldn't do for us to meet the regent with you eyeing Dagger and the Minister like they're pieces of meat!"

"Oh, what do you know about the beauty of two women holding each other, smelling each others' hair, stroking each others'…"

"La-la-la-la-la. I'm not listening. I'm not listening," I say loudly as I hold my hands over my ears. Of course, everyone looks at me, but I'm starting to grow used to it. "What? He was describing to me how to prepare Mu when he knows that I'm a vegetarian!"

The stupid guards and Steiner begin to mutter about just what a vegetarian is until Lara silences them with a little cough. I so need to learn that. "A vegetarian is a person who willingly decides to take on the rigorous diet of one who does not eat meat. Now, would you all please come with me? You guards can return to your posts."

Gee, Lara is really nice when it comes down to it. Rather than barking those commands at us like she could have, the woman that I guess only I know as the Tomb Raider was actually polite about it. She didn't raise her voice or anything.

The men with the sharp objects go away, which means I only have to watch out for Steiner. What a relief. Sarcasm, by the way. Those of us who were to be imprisoned are instead led down a long hall. This is so weird. At least the place looks nice. There's a carpet of red velvet under our feet and candles line the walls instead of torches. The walls are a warm cream colour and there are paintings of airships all over the place, with the occasional portrait of a man with a large moustache thrown in.

People of all types rush by us, only looking up to notice the straggly looking travellers being escorted around. Of course, when they notice that it's Lara Croft showing us around, they become a little more interested. Heck, I'm still a little mystified by it. What happened to Minister Artania? Why is Lara Croft here? She's not from a Final Fantasy game, or even an RPG for that matter! Why am I here? If I weren't so sad over the loss of the hair I lost, I'd just pull out the rest!

"Here we are," Lara says with a smirk. We stop outside a large wooden door made of heavily polished… oak? I don't know anything about trees. The Minister reaches into her, erm, bosom and retrieves a key. That, I'm not so interested in learning. Getting back to what's happening, Lara unlocks the door and ushers us all inside. When every one of us tired and dirty adventurers is safely in the confines of the new room, she locks it behind us. It's rather small for what I'd call a throne room, and since there's no throne…

"Hey! Cid isn't going to be here, is he?" I blurt out just as Lara opens her mouth.

"We already figured that out, Princess. The royal level is on the third floor, after all," Zidane comments with a roll of his eyes. Dagger giggles and Lara flashes me a smile that is clearly showing her amusement at my predicament without being offensive. Really! Is this the same Lara Croft from the video games? She's not even dressed the same! Her outfit matches with this videogame, not hers. There are no pistols strapped to her side. The Turks looked like they'd just stepped out of Midgar. Lara looks like she's been here her entire life. What is going on here?

I think I already mentioned her wardrobe, but it bears repeating.

"Auntie Lara? I thought you were taking us to see Uncle Cid. Why are we in the nursery?" Dagger asks. I look around and see cribs, cradles, and toys pushed up against a wall and covered with several years of dust, as though they haven't been used for years.

"Nobody comes in here anymore," Lara explains with a wink. "Ever since Master Porom and Mistress Palom grew up and moved into their own chambers, Lady Hilde has had this room ordered locked until the next generation of royalty is born."

Wait. Porom and Palom, the mages from FFIV, are the children of Cid and Hilde? This just keeps getting weirder. Next thing you know, I'm going to find out that Vormav gave birth to me and Miluda is really my father.

"Is Uncle Cid ill? I would so hate to learn that I am inconveniencing him in some way," Dagger adds. Hmm, if being turned into a gross bug is ill, then I guess inconvenient is appropriate when it comes to describing slamming a large, fiery ball of wood into a castle. Why more people don't see things this clearly is beyond me.

"He is… a tad under the weather, but it is nothing that could threaten his life. I just wanted to make sure that you were all okay before I took you up there and to lay some ground rules about being guests in this castle and this city. First of all, everyone is fine, yes?"

I prepare to complain about the mistreatment of my hair, but, as if sensing my intentions, Zidane elbows me rather roughly in the side and I just nod that, yes, I am fine. Zidane does the same thing and Vivi ignores her, his eyes on all of the toys. Steiner starts into a rant about how he can never be okay as long as there is garbage like Zidane and me around Dagger. In a move that I know I'll never be able to move off, Lara silences him and he just nods. Believe it or not, she put his hand over his mouth. Good thing he's not Kelly Ripa, or Rosie O'Donnell could've made it ugly.

"And you?" Lara asks when she reaches Dagger.

"It's nothing I can't handle," the girl tells her. "Don't worry about me, really. I need to see Uncle Cid. We have to help Mother."

"No." The tall woman crosses her arms over her large bosom, unknowingly bringing attention to them again. Zidane starts to get that drooling look again, but I take care of it with one well placed kicked to the back of his leg. "I want you to tell me what it is now. Dr. Sage did tell us that you'd been studying white magic the last time she stopped by the castle, but there's no way you're beyond a beginner's level. Let me see your injury."

"But…"

"Now!" All of the softness leaves Lara's voice. It's still soaked with concern and worry, though. In compliance with the order, Dagger lifts one of her pant legs to reveal a very black and blue ankle. It also looks like it could be twisted. Though I'm no doctor, so my opinion is pretty much worthless.

"Princess!" Steiner shrieks in a voice higher than even I could reach. Zidane wisely claps a hand over Vivi's eyes so that the youngster won't see the gruesome sight. Me? I'm just wondering how she was able to walk, let alone without a limp.

Lara gives another small smile and shakes her head. "You've been numbing the pain with Cure spells all this time, haven't you?"

Nervously, the princess gives a nod of confirmation.

"I also suppose those overzealous brutes didn't bother to check you over when they pulled you from the wreckage. Well, that's not what's important right now," Lara says as she places her hands on Dagger's ankle. Then there's a crack that causes many reactions from the crowd: Dagger cries out in pain, Steiner goes back up into his upper register, while I just wince. Zidane can't really do anything, because Vivi's fighting to see what is going on. He's doing a heck of a job, too, considering his young age. When she's finished, Minister Croft stands up and makes sure to check over the rest of Dagger. "There we go. You're fine now."

"Princess, are you well?" Steiner asks, unsure of whether or not he should threaten the life of a government official for causing her discomfort. Zidane or me? No problem. Just hack our heads off for making her royal behind sleep on the ground for one night of her life.

"I'm fine, Steiner," Dagger assures him. Well, after seeing just how thoroughly Lara checked her over, there's definitely no doubt to that.

"Hey, Honey," I whisper only to find Zidane leering again. Really, is this going to happen every time we run into the woman?

"Ow? What is it, Princess?" Zidane whispers back when I let go of his cheek. There's still a big red mark on his face, and he rubs where it's at its brightest. "Are you still whining over your hair? There are more important things right now, like that cute little piece of nobility of there."

This is getting so old. Does he only think of women? "No. I was wondering just who it was that hired Tantalus to kidnap Dagger. They'd have to be pretty rich for you to try to get a princess."

Zidane scratches his butt thoughtfully but can't come up with an answer. "I don't know. The Boss always handled that kind of stuff. Ruby probably would know, but we left her back in Alexandria…"

Darn, I forgot all about Ruby! One can only wonder what kind of torture that poor woman is being forced to endure. No makeup, no hair care, or, worst of all, no moisturizing. Skin just gets scaly and gross if you don't moisturize regularly and properly.

"Would you two care to let us in on your conversation?" Lara asks. For some reason I feel like I'm being scolded by a teacher. Come on Rick, just give her a good lie. You've been doing pretty well so far. Aargh! Why am I blanking?

"We were just wondering if everyone was okay. South Gate did take about half of the airship before we crashed into the castle," Zidane tells her with a straight face.

"Yeah," I throw in just because I'm feeling left out. "We hope nobody was seriously hurt."

"Everyone is fine," Lara says with a bright smile. This woman really does make me feel like I could do more to improve myself, but she doesn't make me feel bad about it at all. Does that make sense?

"I'm so glad to hear it." I wipe my brow to show my relief.

"Tell me, why were you in such an antiquated airship to begin with, Princess?" Lara asks as she takes a seat in a rocker just happens to be nearby. The rest of us sit at her feet cross-legged. Well, Steiner doesn't. His armour can't bend that way, so he just opts to remain standing. Vivi is going through the toys. Nobody wants to disturb him, what with the kidnapping earlier today and all. I wonder if anyone bothered to tell Rusty. Probably not.

Dagger clears her throat and looks to Zidane and me for support. Well, she can be the storyteller this time. If anyone wants to be entertained, though, I can just go on and on about the thousands of different storylines I've seen on my soaps.

"Auntie, we encountered the cargo ship in a small village called Dali. It was headed for the Castle in Alexandria, but Zidane and Rick secured its flight path to Lindblum."

Wow, maybe I'll be a hero in this story. I definitely deserve it. My poor hair is still so hideous.

"Wasn't the crew a little hard to subdue? No offence, but these two don't look that strong. There's no way they could've done it by themselves," Lara suggests. Steiner opens his mouth to steal my thunder, but Dagger beats him to the punch.

"The crew wasn't exactly…" she stops to look at Vivi, who is halfway buried in a toy chest. "Human."

Lara's interest becomes piqued at this. She raises her eyebrows and forms the words with her lips before she actually speaks them. "If they weren't human, then what were they?"

"…"

"…"

Nobody knows what to say. Should we spill the secret that they were creatures resembling Vivi or not?

"They were black mages," I finally confess. "They look kind of like Vivi, but he's not one of them. I know him too well."

Dagger and Zidane look at me like I just joined Brahne's forces. Geez, guys. It's going to get out sooner or later. Better to be honest about it.

"Very well, continue."

"You see," Dagger stutters as she draws her attention away from me and back to the other woman. "Shortly after taking control of the airship, we were attacked by one of the Turks. He didn't say anything, but I recognized the suit from the one that attacked us back in Dali. However this one was bald instead of…"

"Wait!" Lara interrupts with a raised hand. She leans forward with one of those looks one her face that can't be described with words. "You were attacked before? How many times?"

"Once."

"Twice."

Dagger and Zidane stare at each other. So, he never told her about Elena. You'd have thought that they'd have discussed something during their alone time. Hunting down Vivi, I mean. Unless they sneaked off to be together after everyone went to sleep back in Mist Valley, but I seriously doubt that. Meh.

"We were attacked and you didn't say anything?" Dagger asks with a hint of ferocity in her voice that catches the attention of the MCoDs. Quietly, I soothe them back to dulcet tones with promises of better bloodshed in the future. I swear, sometimes they're not worth the trouble. Maybe they should be clipped off while I'm in civilization.

"Ow!"

"What is it this time, Princess?" Zidane asks in a you're-annoying-me-but-I'll-forgive-you-for-getting-me-out-of-this-situation voice. "Did you break a nail?"

"Actually…" It sounds crazy, I know, but I have a deep scratch on my right forearm. I think the MCoDs attacked me!

"No changing the subject," Dagger insists as she grabs Zidane's arm and pulls him in rather close. "When were we attacked? Was it when everyone fell asleep in Ice Cavern?"

"Yeah. Some crazy blonde chick jumped me and the Princess over there." Zidane jerks a thumb in my direction. Yet, I don't feel insulted. The MCoDs do grow excited at the memory of Elena, though. "I took her out, though. He just said that she had a bad dye job."

Wow. I never thought a room could ever get this silent or that Dagger and Lara Croft could achieve eyes that big. Must have been something he said. No, wait. Those eyes are trained on me like a sniper laser. Something tells me that it may have been something I said.

"You… you actually told a woman that she had a bad dye job?" Dagger inquires in a hushed voice. Geez, she's acting like I shot someone.

"Are you insane? She could have killed you!" Lara adds.

"She came pretty close!" Zidane laughs and slaps me on the back. I fall face-first to the floor, which seems very familiar. Well, two can play that game.

"I know," I chuckle as I sit back up. "But at least I wasn't taken out by a dude with a mullet. Besides, her roots WERE horrible." To finish it up, I push him into Steiner's legs. There's a rattling as Steiner becomes aware of the offence taken against him.

"You think you can attack me? Nobody attacks Adelbert Steiner without retribution!" he shouts as he leaps on Zidane. They roll across the floor in some kind of struggle to see just which one will end up on top. My money is on Steiner.

Basking in my revenge, I scoot into Zidane's old place beside Dagger. "So, where were we?"

"Gwok! Release me I say!" a thin and raspy voice orders.

"Look at what I found," Vivi says as he does that waddle/walk over to Dagger, Lara, and me. You know, us girls. He's really excited, something that I thought I'd never see in him again. "It can talk and everything!"

"I said, gwok, let me go!" he voice commands again. It's closer than it was now. Where could it be coming from?

"Vivi… What do you have there?" I ask, afraid that I already know the answer.

He thrusts himself in between the princess duo and Lara, looking back and forth between us. "I found it hiding in with the stuffed animals!"

Did he just say hiding? If it were an inanimate object, he would have said hidden. No, it was definitely hiding. That must mean that it is alive. If Vivi has something alive in his hands, and I'm hearing a disembodied voice, then that means he has something that can talk. The only thing that size capable of speech is…"

Vivi opens his hands and I scream as this yellowish-brown bug comes flying at me. I don't care if he's the regent of Lindblum, bugs are GROSS!

"Gah!" I cry as I swat Cid away and run for the door. Unfortunately, Zidane and Steiner get in my way. Being the klutz that I am, I fall right in with them.

"Nice going, Princess," Zidane shouts as he pushes Steiner away with his feet. "See what you've gone and made Rusty do?"

Oops. Did I mention that during their fight, Zidane and Steiner somehow managed to tip over every cradle and toy chest in the room?

"Are they always like this?" Lara asks Dagger. The Tomb Raider puts her head in her hands and looks right at me.

"Pretty much, yeah," Dagger answers.

"The patience you must have."

The oglop jumps flies from the floor to Lara's shoulder. She doesn't even so much as flinch.

"I recognize that moustache. Is that you, Uncle Cid?"

"Gwok! Yes, it's me. An evil, gwok, magician snuck into the castle, gwok, when I was asleep and put, gwok, me under a spell," the insect explains.

Steiner draws his sword and points it at me. "You! You and the monkey had something to with this! Confess, criminals. Admit what ailment you have put upon the regent!"

"They could not have done it," Lara says sharply. "They clearly hold neither the skill nor the intelligence to pull off such a thing."

Okay, that one did offend me. People can, and often do, call me a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them. Zidane, on the other hand, is an idiot.

"I can, gwok, attest to that!" Cid offers from his perch on Lara. Nasty, Regent! Nasty! That's what you get for sleeping around. You're lucky they don't have herpes here, or you'd be broken out so often that you wouldn't be able to walk straight. Heck, you're not even that good looking! Nasty, buggy, regent Cid guy. What is a regent, anyway?

"Hey!" Zidane claims in outrage. So, I'm not the only one offended. Good. "You can't talk about me like that. Princess, here, feel free. But I'm the great Zidane Tribal."

The great moronic monkey is more like it. If one of us is stupid, it's you, not me. "Don't make me sic Steiner on you again."

"Shut up."

"You shut up!"

"Are they always like this?" Cid asks.

"Pretty much," Dagger repeats.

Lara claps her hands to get everyone's attention. "Why don't we all get something to eat? Cook is preparing dinner for everyone right now. Sorry, erm… what's your name again?"

Since she's looking at me, I guess she's talking to me. "Rick."

"Yes. I'm sorry, but we don't have very many vegetarian dishes available. As far as I know, you're only the second one to visit the castle."

"There's another vegetarian out there somewhere?" That's actually very exciting news to me. If there is another vegetarian here, then that means that Gaia isn't completely unlike Earth. Maybe I can get all of the necessities after all! You know, things like tofu, cashmere, and double mocha lattes. Fine, I can live without the latte, but there had better be some killer scarves out there!

A smile crosses her face. "It was a young man. Very handsome. We offer him some Zahgnol, but he turned us down faster than we could have ever anticipated. His name escapes me now, but he's one of the painters residing in Lindblum."

"Hmm, if weren't for the paint thing and the no eating meat," Zidane ponders. "That guy sounds a lot like someone I know."

"Really? Who?" I ask. This is so exciting. A kindred spirit, right here on Gaia!

"Who else? Me!"

After picking myself up from the floor from my faceplant, I look around and notice that many of the others did the same. "Gee, Honey. Are we conceited much?"

"What? I'm handsome and I live in Lindblum."

"Forget it," Dagger says as she stands and stretches. "I'm hungry. Can we talk tomorrow?"

"Very, gwok, well," Cid mutters. "Will we see you in the dining hall, Rick?"

I shake my head in response. "Nah. I'm just going to try to find some place in town."

"Me too," Zidane throws in. "No offence, but royal food is just a tad too rich for me."

Everyone else stands up and we begin shuffling towards the door. "Rick?"

"Yes, Minister Croft?"

"You might want to change before you leave. Did you bring any clothes with you?"

Suddenly, I remember the bag that's been at my side this whole time. It's amazing those thugs didn't take it away. "Yeah, I'm good. You guys go on ahead. I'll get someone to show me the way out."

"I grew up here. Don't worry. His royal highness is safe with me," Zidane throws out as he leans against a wall. He waves everyone off, and when they all pass through the door and the last, Steiner, closes it, he looks at me with a smile. "What are you waiting for? I promise I won't watch."

"Afraid you might like what you see?" I add flippantly as I open the top flap on my satchel.

It takes a few moments for me to change, but when I finish I notice that Zidane actually has his back turned. Ever the gentleman. I can't believe he kept his word. With the show I got in Dali, I definitely would've peeked. Actually, I'm a bit different here than I was on Earth. Not necessarily bulging with muscles, though. I'm just a little slimmer and my muscles are a tad more developed. Though that could just be from the last couple days.

"Boo!" I shout after creeping up on Zidane. He jumps and then swerves around angrily until he catches sight of me.

"Wow, Princess." He scratches the back of his head and looks me over. "That outfit actually makes you look pretty good. Not as good as me, but still decent."

"Thank you?"

It's true, though. Something magical happens when you put on fresh clothing. My arms feel freer, and I think I actually smell better. Plus, there's no yellow stain to worry about. Of course, I had to undo the first three buttons to give the people what they came to see.

"Ready to go?"

"Like an old man in a laxative factory."

Then comes the look. Not the look that shows he think my joke is stupid, but the one that shows he doesn't get it. What have you gotten yourself into this time, Rick?

"What is laxative?"

No. Frickin'. Way. What kind of world is this? I may have to explain a lot of things to these guys, but one of them will not be laxatives. No way. That is just wrong. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

"Princess?"

"Forget it, Honey," I laugh as I throw my arm around his shoulder. "Let's blow this popsicle stand."

"What's a popsicle?"

"Nothing."

He smacks me in the back of the head, but not terribly hard. "You are so weird."

"Yep," I say as I lean in close and bat my eyes at him. "That's why you love me."

"You wish!" He laughs and pulls me into noogies. Oh, my poor hair. In all of the excitement, I'd completely forgotten. I'll have to get something done to it while we're here. There's no way I'm travelling the world with this hideous cut. I'd rather die!

With that, we make our way back through the hall of people and pictures. When we return to the big centre room thing where we first met "Minister Croft," I notice that the guards have changed. A shift change, perhaps?

"Hey, Princess?"

"What, Honey?" I ask as I mess with the strands of hair I have left. This really is sad.

He shifts kind of nervously. I notice because it's very obvious. You should know by now that it would have to take something very big to get me off track. I'm just so focused, so direct. I'm kind of like that guy from Monk. Not all germ phobic and crazy, but incredibly intense. You know who else is intense? Brad Pitt. Sure, he's pretty, but there's just something about him. You can see it in his eyes, his cheeks, his lips… What was I talking about again?

"Is anyone home?" Zidane yells in my ear. In response, I scream and jump around, drawing all kinds of stares.

"Geez, you didn't have to scream," I pout after I finally settle down. He could have really hurt my ears. Do I need to be deaf in addition to Steiner's maiming of me? Oh, poor hair, I hardly knew ye…

"Come on. We'll catch the air cab to the Theatre District before getting something to eat. There's this place I know in the Industrial District, The Doom Pub, which serves this awesome soup. There's no meat in it, so it'd be perfect for you. Plus, there's this really cute waitress there. That way, we both win."

"Why do we have to go to the Theatre District?"

"I just have a quick errand to run," he says with both a lowered voice and a lowered head. Oh, right. He's probably going to go to see if Baku and the rest of Tantalus have made it back yet. I know they haven't, or they shouldn't have, but that doesn't make me feel better. Sure, they're all weird and some of them have an odour, but they were great to me when I was around them. Most people aren't like that. The number of times I've been flippantly dismissed is so overwhelming that it would take those math guys hundreds of years just to count that high.

The walk to the air cab station is rather uneventful, so I won't bore you with the details about it. However, the air cab itself is to die for. I'm not kidding. On the outside, it looks exactly like it does in the game. The inside is another story. It has comfortable seats, trashcans with lids, and an attendant who cleans around the people whenever it's moving. Only four or five people can ride it at a time, but, apparently, it's not that big of a deal. Most of the people work in the same district they live in and vice versa. The only ones that travel regularly are palace staff (people fetching things from the various districts, since there is apparently servant quarters in the castle itself), tourists, and people going to the Theatre District. The shows are only performed at night, and it's only mid-afternoon now, so I guess we're still awhile away from having to worry too much about that.

"We have arrived in the Theatre District," the attendant announces as the air cab comes to smooth halt. Geez, you'd think that we could come up with public transportation like this in America. At the very least, the richest nation in the world could find a way to make the buses not smell like urine.

Zidane pays the fare (it's only five Gil apiece, so I'm not complaining) and we step off. I can see the clock tower in the distance, which is really the hang/hideout for Tantalus. The old man is sitting on his bench and feeding the pigeons. Hmm… Maybe the game isn't so unreliable.

"Can you wait here for me?" Zidane asks. "I would bring you along, but it's top-secret."

"Whatever, Honey."

"Thanks for understanding, Princess. I'll be right back." Zidane claps me on the shoulder, which I manage to stay upright for, and runs off.

I spend my time sitting next to the old man and watching the birds, each one stupider than the last, peck at the bread, themselves, and each other. All the while, old guy just keeps tossing breadcrumbs from a wrinkly paper bag.

"Hey could someone help me?" a voice calls out. Glad for a break from Lindblum's favourite pastime, I look around and see a guy standing near the door to a building that looks about as tall as him. In his arms are a lot of parcels, the old-fashioned kind that's wrapped in brown paper and tied together with twine.

"What do you need?" I ask as I jog over. I was getting kind of bored, and Zidane's been taking awhile. At least I'll get to meet someone interesting.

"Opening the door would be a great start," he grunts from somewhere underneath the weight of his packages. Taking pity on the poor man, I do ask he says before grabbing some of the stuff off the top. "Be careful when you first go in. there's a set of stairs just to the right when you go through the door that you have to take. Otherwise, it's a straight fall of about ten feet.

That sounds awfully familiar. Wasn't there a minor character with a house set up like that? Was it the guy with the thing for collecting cards?

He tells me to put the stuff anywhere, so I search for a clean place on a nearby table. Really it's hard to find a clean place anywhere in here. There's paint and some kind of dried up mud all over the concrete floor, not to mention all of the crumpled up paper.

"Thanks, man," he says with his back to me as he bends over to put what he has in his arms onto the floor. Believe me, I'm not complaining. Still, I guess he doesn't really care about keeping new things as clean as I do. Then again, his place says a lot about his personality. "If you hadn't helped me, no one would have."

"Why do you say that?" I ask.

Then he turns around. If I ever met a guy this good-looking on earth, I definitely would have remembered it. He has black hair, just enough facial hair to give him that scruffy look, and every inch of his face is perfect. Well, not really perfect, but because his eyes are just this side of too far apart and his forehead is more of a fivehead, but dude is still mad hot.

"This is a pretty snobby part of town. That old man out there never talks to me, and the actors all think they're better than me just because I'm an artist. Really, if the rent on this studio weren't so cheap, I'd just live in the Industrial District with the rest of the Artist Guild." He catches the rather clueless look on my face before laughing and offering me his hand. "I'm Michael, and you are?"

"Glad I'm not an actor," I say with a smile. "Rick."

"Hello, Rick. What brings you here to this part of Lindblum? The plays don't start for another four or five hours, and you don't seem like one of those Lowell stalkers."

Am I really talking to this guy? There is no way we are conversing. The self-proclaimed artist Michael from the game was some buffoon with no talent, but this guy is so cute! He's so far out of my league that I'd reach Mars, or, in this case, Terra, before even coming close to his stature.

"My friend is running an errand. He's supposed to take me to this place that supposed to be vegetarian friendly when he's done, but I'm a little suspicious."

"You're a vegetarian, too!" Michael exclaims. "I've never met another one!"

Okay, this day just went from totally crappy to totally awesome in about five minutes. I'm in Lindblum, with a cute guy, and we're both vegetarians. The only thing that could make it better is if Dolly Parton were here to serenade us.

"You're going to have to cancel your plans, because there is no place in this town that would serve people like us. Let me make us some salads, and you can get a rain check from your friend. I've been dying to meet someone that I have something in common with. People haven't been too friendly to me since I moved here from Alexandria five years ago. Besides, I need to pay you back for helping me."

Was I just invited to dinner? Is this a date? Hoo boy, I'm either lucky or crazy. Meh, why not both?

"Sure."

He grabs a knife from the floor and cuts the twine on one of the parcels. "Can you clean off the sofa for me? It's over there in the corner."

Indeed, underneath a layer of ruined canvases I find an old sofa covered with worn orange velvet. It's also missing a leg and is being propped up by a bad painting of a jar of pickles. Okay, so Michael is still a hack with no talent. No big deal. So am I. At least, that's what my art teacher always told me. She never was as bad as my gym teacher, though. I wonder if he even cares that I'm gone.

"Do you like pickles?" I ask as I open my satchel and pull out my two jars of the things. Lindblum pickles are supposed to stink, but I've yet to even get a whiff of foul odour from these things.

"In my salad? No way!" Michael blurts as he turns around with a clean knife in one hand and a tomato in the other. "Oh. Um, yeah. They're okay. What kind are those?"

"Lindblum pickles," I answer as I twist the lid off one of the jars.

"Don't!" he shouts, but it's too late. Oh, the stench! Not even my dog with the bladder problems smells this bad. It's like fish, cat poo, and Britney Spears perfume all mixed together.

I twist the lid back on the jar and start coughing. Michael grabs my wrist and leads me up the stairs and out of his studio. "I am so sorry. I bought them earlier, and I'd never had Lindblum pickles before. I didn't know that they…"

"It's okay," Michael laughs as he wipes his eyes. "I remember the first time I opened a jar of Lindblum pickles. I actually vomited on that old man."

He points to the old guy with the birds and I start laughing too. We're leaning on each other for support and gasping for breath by the time Zidane comes back. It only took him twenty minutes. Right back, my behind.

"Can I ask what's so funny?" he inquires in a disapproving tone. I look over at him and he responds with shock. "Princess? I didn't know that was you!"

"Then who were you talking to, Honey?"

"Honey? Princess?" Michael stops laughing and looks between Zidane and me with confusion.

"Who's talking to you?" Zidane asks Michael rather rudely. "Did I say 'untalented wannabe, is that you'?"

"They're just nicknames," I assure Michael. Then I turn on Zidane. What is up with his behaviour? Why is he being so mean to Michael? "What is up with you?"

"You don't want to waste your time with this, believe me. There's a reason nobody in this district likes him. Come on, let's go try that soup."

"No!" I shout, confused by the sudden change. What the heck is going on? Michael told me that the actors didn't like him, but Zidane's not one of them. Sure, he didn't like me either when we first set out together, but we grew to be good friends. Surely he would offer Michael the same courtesy. "Not until you tell me what he did wrong."

"Just go, Rick," Michael says in defeat. "It's not worth it."

"Princess, he's just a poser. He moved here and started calling himself an artist even though he has zero talent. He acts like we're all beneath him, like we can't understand his abilities when he doesn't have any!"

"That's…" I say in disbelief. "That's so stupid! He is making me dinner. I'm going to stay here. Later, I'm going to check into the hotel. Will I see you there?"

"Probably," the thief answers in surprise.

"Then we'll discuss this later. Tell Dagger that I'll see her tomorrow." Finished with the conversation, I grab Michael's hand and walk back into his apartment, despite the lingering pickle funk. Really, when did this whole thing start between Zidane and Michael? I haven't known him long, but he seems like a great guy to me. Besides, when I asked what he did wrong, Zidane couldn't really tell me anything. Was it just some weird form of peer pressure that made him dislike the artist, or did they get into a fight of some sort?

"Thanks," Michael says when sit on his sofa, mindful of the fact that one of the legs isn't exactly attached or even a real leg. "Um, are things going to be okay with you two?"

"I don't see why not. Zidane and I just had a fight. We'll clear the air and move on. It is kind of what we do." Fine, I'm exaggerating a little. The only fight we've really had is when I pulled his tail, and I had to practically beg for his forgiveness.

"Do you still want that salad?" Clearly, he's at a loss of just what to say. I mean, I picked him, a stranger, over my friend. That won't make things easy for anyone involved.

"Yeah, I'll take a salad," I smile.

Michael walks back over to his groceries and starts cutting them up again, and I'm content just watching. I never really realized how much I appreciate quiet moments until I lost them. Ever since coming to Gaia, it's been one thing after another. Escaping Alexandria, escaping Evil Forest, fighting the Mist monsters, fighting Steiner… the list just goes on and on. Now, I'm just sitting here watching a stranger make me a salad and I'm happy. I'm really happy.

"So, you never told me what you were doing in Lindblum," Michael says when he sits back down and hands me a bowl. It's clearly homemade, and all lumpy in places, but that doesn't really matter. What is important is the food. FOOD! I finally get to eat! Yippee! Yay! Yahoo! Other exclamations that begin with 'Y!'

"Oh, I'm just visiting," I say as I try to keep my excitement down as I take my first bite of the meal before me. Oh my… The tomatoes are so juicy, and the lettuce is so crisp. This has to be the most delicious thing that I have ever tasted. Or I'm just really, really hungry. I usually don't like tomatoes.

"Are you here for the Festival of the Hunt?" he asks as he readjusts his seating position to watch me closely. Seriously, it's like my answer to this question will decide his entire opinion of me or something.

I shake my head in disagreement. "No way. I'm not a fighter. Besides, there's something that's just wrong about breeding monsters just to kill them. It's sad enough when people have to do it in order to defend themselves. DO we really need to celebrate the slaughter of animals?"

To emphasize my point, I take another bite of my salad.

Suddenly, Michael's face loses all of its seriousness and is replaced by a huge grin. "You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. My first year here was the first time that I'd heard about it. I staged a protest by chaining myself to the light pole outside in an attempt to shut it down. It didn't work, but I think that's why most of the people here don't like me."

That is so cool. I participated in a protest once. They were thinking of turning our mall into a haven of discount shops, but there was no way I was going to give up all of that retail space without a fight. What good is small business if I don't have access to my music and clothes?

"Well, I like you," I offer as I finish my salad. "If that's any consolation."

"You seem pretty cool," Michael admits as he takes my bowl and stands up. "You want anymore?"

"No thanks."

"You're not leaving, are you?" he asks.

His neediness is so cute. "No, I like talking to you."

"I like talking to you, too," he laughs as he sets the bowls on one of the many tables. He walks over to what I'm guessing is a cooler and pulls out two glasses and a bottle of red liquid. Is planning on getting me drunk?

"Do you like juice?"

Guess not.

"Yeah." I answer. Michael fills both glasses, which aren't homemade, and brings them over.

"I would offer you some wine," he says as he sits down beside me and hands me a glass, "but you look like you're too young and I know that I am definitely too poor for it. All of my money goes to my art."

"What's your speciality?"

"Painting is my love, but my drawings are the reason I moved out here. Everyone said that I had too much talent to let it go to waste in Alexandria. Plus, all of my family died years ago in some fire or something. Nobody would tell me what actually happened."

That's so sad. "I'm so sorry," I say as I lay a hand on his arm. "We don't have to talk about it."

"It's not that big of a deal. I was only four and sleeping over at a friend's when it happened." Michael takes a sip of his juice and nudges me in the chest with his elbow. "Drink up."

I oblige and take some of the liquid into my mouth. Wow! It's so sweet, yet not overly so. This has to be one of the best things that I've ever had. Or I'm just really thirsty.

"Can I ask a question?" I pose as I adjust my position on the couch so that I'm facing the young man. "How old are you?"

"Hmm," Michael wonders as he closes his eyes. Even in deep thought, he's gorgeous! How is he not married? "I'm probably thirty, but it's been awhile since I've actually added it up. Age doesn't really matter anymore. All I have to look forward to is another day at the Alice's shop and coming home to paint."

"Maybe I can change that," I say as I take another drink of the juice. Thirty! That's thirteen years older than me. thirty has never looked so good. "I'm a personal friend of royalty. Perhaps I can convince her to hire you to paint her new room or something."

Michael's eyes light up at very mention of paint. "Really? I would love that. To actually have my art inside of the castle again."

"Again?"

His eyes dim slightly, but Michael still looks a little happy. "Yeah. I was the guest of the royal family here in Lindblum a few months after I showed up. My drawings had come into the possession of one of the regent's children and she was very excited about it. They hired me to paint her room, and even put me up and fed me. Things didn't end so well, though. As I'm sure you can tell from all of this trash around you, I'm not much of a painter."

"Hey, you don't have to be good at something to love it," I say with an awkward smile. Michael is a great guy and all, but he's just dumping all of this on me. Must be because he's lonely. If Zidane is indicative of the locals' behaviour, then it's no wonder. Why they would treat him like that is beyond me, though. He's so sweet and kind, not to mention hot. Really, just look at the man! My tongue would be on the floor if this were a cartoon instead of whatever it is.

"How would you know?" he mutters darkly. "Look at you. You're wearing brand new clothes. You're probably just some noble who wandered into town to gawk at the poor people. You don't know anything about suffering."

Hmm, this could be why Zidane and the others don't like him. However, I grew up with a brother who put me into headlocks on a regular basis just to see if he still could. It'll take more than a bad attitude to scare me off. You have to have a large weapon, too. That's the only reason Steiner scares me. if he didn't have that sword and those large, meaty hands, then he'd be perfectly harmless. All I would have to do is berate him until he crumbled like a bench under two Americans from the heartland who think dieting consists of eating four pork chops instead of six. Disgusting, really.

"I know more abut suffering than you realize," I answer with a small voice. "I know how it feels to have everyone look down on you: strangers, people you thought were your friends, your own family. The way they speak to you as though you don't matter, like you're trash. The scum of the earth. You cry yourself to sleep at night and you can't tell anyone why because they are the reason why. Yeah, I know suffering. Maybe I haven't been as down and out as you, but I'm far from rich.

"The only reason I have new clothes is because my old clothes were filthy rags by the time I got to Lindblum. Besides, even if I were rich, you don't know me. You don't know anything about me. You're the one who doesn't know my suffering."

A light comes into Michael's eyes, but it's not the same light as before. No, this is different. They're twinkling as he smiles. "Hold still, don't move."

"What?" Is it okay for me to be confused? Really, I have no idea what is going on here. Maybe I should have just left with Zidane. Things definitely would be a lot less complicated if I'd done that.

"I need to capture this image. Just a moment," Michael gasps excitedly as he leans over and starts searching for something on the floor. He surfaces seconds later with a pad of paper and a pencil.

"What are you doing?"

He gives me a big grin that I can't help but return. "The way you're sitting there, it just inspired me. Just sit absolutely still and don't move. This will only take a second."

A second is really about ten minutes, but that's ten minutes in which I can watch Michael draw me. I can't really see what it is he's drawing, but every time I feel his eyes on me I can also feel my cheeks go red. This is so weird. This… this man is drawing me. ME! Sure, I'm always going on about gorgeous I am, but that's just being healthy. For him to want to draw me though, with this hideous hair, is something else, entirely.

"Are you done yet? I know I'm good-looking, but it isn't that hard to capture my wonderful qualities on paper," I whine after another few minutes.

"Hold on," Michael says as he starts scribbling furiously with his pen. "I'm almost… done!"

"Let me see!"

The paper crinkles a little as I snatch it from his surprisingly loose grasp. After smoothing it out, I look it over. Whatever lack of talent he has where painting is concerned definitely does not translate to his drawing abilities. This is great. Sure, with me as a model, even a stick person would look good, but this is definitely some of the best work I've ever seen. What I know about art is limited to geometric shapes, shading, and other fancy terms that I have no idea what their meanings are, but this is awesome. The details are blurred slightly at the edges, and it was done with what looks like little scratches rather than one solid line. Never has such beauty been captured so finely on an artistic media. Even my professionally done photos can't come close to touching this!

"What do you think?" he asks self-consciously. He scratches the back of his head and looks away for fear of rejection. He's so cute when he's nervous. Then again, he's cute all the time.

"This is amazing," I whisper. "Is this what you really see when you look at me?"

"Well, yeah. You've actually been nice to me, even after I acted like such a jerk to you. Sorry I inferred that you're a spoiled nobleman." Michael bows his head with a hint of embarrassment.

Reassuringly, my hand runs up and down his arm. "You're forgiven. Now can I ask you a favour?"

"What?"

"It's getting late, and I kind of ticked off my guide. Do you know the way to the inn?"

Michael laughs a little. It's an amazing thing to hear. "Yes, I know where the inn is. It's the only one in town, surprisingly. I guess a lot of visitors stay with family or friends when they come here, because it's never full."

Come to think of it, why would Zidane be staying at the inn? Wasn't he living with his buddies at the Tantalus hideout? Unless he thinks that because he "quit" he can't stay there. Most likely, his friends' memories are getting to him. He does have some sort of flashback when you enter for the time, doesn't he? Or is it one of those weird little movie things the game has. Meh, it's not important. He does talk to those little kids, though. That much I do remember.

"Could you take me there?"

Normally, I'd just ask for directions, but the thought of Zidane feeling alone makes me suddenly realize just how alone I am. Nothing from my old life is here: none of my friends, my family, or even my dog with the bladder problems. I guess I just want some companionship or something. It's already dark out, and I'm in a strange city full of people and things that I don't know. Gilgamesh, Alleyway Jack, or whatever that pickpocket's name is could be out there waiting to mug me.

"No problem. It's cold out because of the Mist, so you might want to wear this," Michael advises as he throws me a black jacket. It's kind of scratchy and way too big for me, but I put it on anyway. "For some reason, the Mist is thicker at night. The last thing I need is for my new friend to get sick and die."

Friend? That's a little sudden. We've only known each other a couple of hours. Then again, he has sketched me and fed me and, if you count the jacket, clothed me already, so I guess friend is a good way to put it.

"I'm not dieing anytime soon. There are too many things out there waiting to be bought," I joke. "Thanks for everything you've done tonight."

"Don't worry about it. You helped break up some of the monotony in my life," he assures me. We head up the steps and, as soon as I open the door, I realize just how dark it is out. I can barely see a thing. The jacket Michael gave me is coming in handy, too, because it's really cold. I may not be able to see much, but my own breath is one thing that I can. "Aren't you glad I live so close to the air cab station?"

As a joke, we run to the station like there's something chasing us, looking back and crying out before throwing a little burst of speed into the mix. It's immature, I know, but it's fun. There hasn't been too much of that lately. Well, that's not true. I've had a lot of fun, but this something more. Exuberance, perhaps?

The station is lit inside and rather warm, too. It must have to be so that the controls don't freeze up. If it's like this now, how cold do the nights get during the winter?

"Two tickets to the Business District," Michael asks the woman at the ticket booth. She gives him a dirty as he fumbles around his pockets for the money to pay for them.

"I've got it," I say as I reach into my satchel and grab the cash box. I hand the woman the appropriate amount of money, how I could fit in all of those bills is beyond me, and she hands me two tickets in return before pressing a red button, presumably to call for the air cab.

"You have money? I thought you said that you weren't part of the nobility. Or are you royalty?" Michael asks as he watches my inconspicuous bag swing at my side as we take our seats.

"Believe me, I have about as much royal or noble blood as you do," I laugh. "I just stumbled upon an old antique of some sort during my travels and this old scholar guy bought it off me for a hefty price."

"Oh."

Now there's an awkward silence. I'm sure he thinks I'm lying to him, which I am. What could I tell him? The truth is that I don't know where the money came from. All I have is that some woman in a white dress left it for a guy who is wearing the bangle that just happens to be on my arm. There's no real evidence that it's even my money. It was all a fluke.

Michael and I avoid each others' eyes until the air cab comes to a stop. I stand first, but, apparently, it's not done moving and I get thrown into his lap. How cliched. I thought this kind of thing only happened in romance novels or sappy movies. There is no way this is actually happening to me.

"Um, are you going to get up anytime soon?" Michael asks with one of those voices. Everyone knows the one I'm talking about.

"Sorry," I laugh nervously as I climb to my feet and practically jump through the door that's been open for who knows how long.

Meanwhile, Michael just gives me one of his grins that make me want to melt. Seriously, even if his neighbours don't like him, how is this guy still single? I mean, back on earth, girls would be lining up for the privilege of throwing themselves at him. Lucky imaginary broads.

"Here you are," Michael states moments later as we huddle outside the inn. There are warm lights on inside that are practically inviting me to enter. "I'll see you around sometime, then?"

He sounds sad that things actually have to end. I'm not exactly ecstatic about it, that's for sure.

"Definitely," I nod and give him a hug of appreciation.

"Thanks for hanging out with me, I guess." Then he leans in and kisses me on the cheek.

I just stand there stunned as he runs back to the air cab station with a backwards wave and one last smile. That was definitely unexpected.

"Hey, Princess! Is that you?"

The sound comes from the inn behind me, so I turn around and see Zidane hanging out a window and looking very tired. "Get in here already. I already paid for your butt, so get it in gear!"

With one last look at the direction Michael ran off in, I pull his coat tighter around me and smile as I grab the doorknob to the inn.


	10. Chapter 10

There's a loud knocking sound. It pulls me from a pleasant dream where I'm given a million dollars and am told to raid Barney's. What a wonderful dream.

"Could someone else get that?" I whine as I pull a pillow over my head to block out the sunlight. Last night when I got into the room, Vivi was already asleep and Zidane was feeling pretty grumpy so we didn't talk. Instead, he just climbed into bed and went to sleep. I was wired, though. So I decided I would just tire myself out by reading one of those books I stole from the Inn back in Dali. It was the one based around FFVIII, because that is really my favourite of the series. Not necessarily because of the plot or the characters or even the weapons. Nah, I liked the GFs and the fighting system. After Disk 2 is over, GFs are pretty much worthless as summons, but there abilities are awesome. Diablos and his Mug and No Encounters abilities really came in handy. Also, I fell in love with Quistis, the tortured Instructor. Her Blue Magic is really the only time it's useful in the games that I've played. No offence to Quina.

However, no one answers the door and the sound continues to drive me crazy. I would just ignore whoever it is and act like no one is here, but that won't work because I'm sure that the nut heard my voice already.

With groggy intentions, I sit up and notice that I'm the only one in the room. Vivi and Zidane's beds are already made. There isn't even a note on the nightstand. It's not that I expected one from the little kid, but Zidane I did. Even if we're fighting, he still should be responsible.

"Zidane's not here," I grumble as I open the door. How did his stupid friends even find out that he's staying here? Oh, right, there was all of that time we spent apart when I was at Michael's last night. My monkey-tailed friend probably went to the pub, met up with Freya, and got really plastered. His sentences weren't strung together very well last night when I got to the room. That could have just been a side-effect of the exhaustion, though.

"I know that. He told me you would be here."

Well, this is interesting. Rather than one of the Tantalus guys (I still don't know for sure that they're not in Lindblum, remember), Michael, or even my mysterious woman in the white dress, I find myself face-to-face with Dagger. Dagger came to the room that I share with Zidane with me as her target. Something seems wrong here. Weren't we on the verge of pulling each other's hair out yesterday? Or am I just mad at her for waking me?

"What do you want?" I ask with barely concealed suspicion. After all, in the game, Dagger wasn't allowed to leave the castle. Yet, here she is, talking to me.

She gives me a smile and does this weird little curtsy thing. I say weird mostly because she's wearing pants. "There is going to be a ball at the castle tonight. It's invitation only, so I'm inviting you."

Huh? We're in FFIX. There is no ball in FFIX. That's FFVIII's thing. Plus, I think Dagger is doing the flirty Rinoa thing. Is she asking me to the ball? As her date? Oh, my head hurts. I think I need to sit down.

Let me try to get this straight. I meet what appears to be a great guy in Michael, get into a fight with Zidane, and the end result is the princess trying to pick me up. The only place this would make sense is whatever world Britney Spears is living in. Everybody knows that Sharon Stone is the only woman in Hollywood that's allowed to do crotch shots.

"Are you okay, Rick? I mean, everyone is going to be there: Zidane, Vivi, me. Steiner's going to be there, too, but just as security. Zidane's even bringing someone," she says in an attempt to convince me to come.

"Balls aren't really my thing." I internally laugh at my own joke. "A lot of pretentious nobles getting together to badmouth commoners like me? No thanks."

Dagger shakes her head and tries one last thing. "You can bring someone, too! What about that printer guy Zidane told me about?"

Printer guy? Do I know a printer guy?

"Oh, you mean Michael. He's a painter, not a printer," I laugh before sighing. "Sure, I'll come. When is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"What time does the ball begin?" Am I speaking in some kind of code?

"Sundown. All social functions begin then. I thought you knew that," she says with a puzzled look. Then she brushes it off and grabs my arm. "Anyway, let's get going. We have a lot to do."

A failed attempt to jerk my arm out of her grip later, I find myself asking what she means by 'we.' Seriously, she has a grip like steel, this girl.

"Don't you want to spend the day with me getting pampered and shopping?" she poses at the first sign of my resistance. How can a man stand up to that?

"Okay, let's go." So I crumbled. Big deal.

I step out the door and find that Dagger isn't alone. She's actually with three other people, a blonde girl about our age, and two very familiar-looking men. One is in dark blue armour with a black sword at his side, and the other is in light blue armour with a spear in his right hand. The girl is the first to speak. "Hello, Rick. I'm Alma Beoulve. These are my guards, Cecil and Kain. It is very pleasant to meet you."

"Huh?" Alma? Cecil? Kain? Well, at least we're back into the Final Fantasies, but this whole thing is confusing the crap out of me. Are these people like me, aware that they're not supposed to be here, or am I alone in this?

Dagger elbows me in the ribs and I introduce myself in turn.

"Is he coming, Garnet?" Alma asks Dagger. It's weird to hear her referred to by her real name. Wait, these people are coming, too? Dagger never mentioned other people. Then again, she probably does have friends in Lindblum. "Is he going to be your date? He's cute."

The princess laughs and shakes her head. "No. Rick isn't interested in me. He's going to the ball with a friend of his, a painter. He is a painter, right? I don't want to get it wrong again."

How much weirder is this going to get? Well, weird isn't the word I want to use. Normal seems more appropriate. Is it weird that normal is weird? Ah, my head is hurting again. Stupid thinking.

"You're going to the ball with a painter?" Alma squeals. I can actually feel my right eyebrow rocket into the atmosphere. They're not acting like uptight royalty. They're being teenage girls.

"I haven't even asked him yet," I blush as I rub the back of my head. Geez, Michael and I just met yesterday. Is it even acceptable for me to be asking him to a formal event?

"I'm sure he'll say 'yes,'" Dagger assures me as she throws an arm over my shoulder. "Come on, Rick. We're going to go get our dresses. Maybe we'll find something for you, too. Then we're going to have our teeth cleaned, get our nails done, and finish with our hair. No offence, but you really do need a haircut."

Just so you know, she whispered that last part in my ear.

Cecil and Kain both give me dirty looks as Dagger and Alma each loop an arm of theirs through one of mine. That scares me. Not as much as the weapons, but it's up there.

"Where to first?" I ask after freshening up. Really, it just consists of straightening out the wrinkles in my shirt, grabbing my satchel, and downing a potion in hopes of good breath. It tastes like orange juice this time.

"I want to go to Alice's shop. It's right here in the Business District," Alma insists. "I promised Father that I would pick up some stuff."

"Really?" Dagger says with an air of annoyance. "Parents can be so controlling. Mother actually sent people after me when I was on my way here. As if Steiner wasn't bad enough."

"Don't I know," Alma adds. "Before she died, Mother would always make sure that my friends came from upstanding families. That's why I was always at the castle playing with Porom and Palom. Those two can be so annoying…"

That's pretty much how the conversation went the entire way to Alice's. It's actually refreshing to hear. There's no talk of escaping or alter egos, no name changing or weapons. It's just talk. Nothing more, nothing less. It seems like you forget that they're actually just teenagers when they're just videogame characters. When you interact with them, though, they actually do act their age. Now, if only I could figure out why Steiner won't do the same thing. He is such a big baby.

"Hello, welcome to Alice's. How may I be assistance?" a familiar voice greets when my little party enters the store. I look up to see Michael standing behind the counter with this frilly pink apron on overtop of a tight black shirt. Oh, he is gorgeous. Must. Put. Tongue. Back. In. Mouth. Why is he here, though? Wait a minute. He told me that he works here. That explains it.

Dagger has that same drooling look that Zidane got whenever he was near Lara. Alma isn't far behind her.

"Hey, Michael!" I call out as I bounce over to him. "We came here looking for some stuff. What have you got on sale?"

"Um, let me think," he says as he scratches at his chin. "The hair dye is half off, fingernail polish is twenty-percent off, and we're carrying a special item, Pearl Rogue, but it's rather expensive.

Is Alice's a beauty shop? Considering everything else going on in this messed up world, that wouldn't really be much of a surprise. Actually, it would be wonderful. It's a good thing Dagger said that we were getting our nails done. The MCoDs really don't fit the M part right now. They're all jagged and ugly.

"Thanks. Oh, one more thing: what are you doing tonight?"

He looks a little taken aback, but he looks cute he's taken aback. Heck, I'm sure he's cute when he's taken aside. Don't even get me started on his cute backside.

"I was just planning on doing some more painting. Why? Do you want to come over and hang out?"

As tempted as I am to say yes, I shake my head. "No. You see, there's this thing at the castle tonight, and I thought you might want come with me and hang out there."

"Me? The castle? I don't know if I'm comfortable with that." No, you are not arguing your way out of this one. I stood up to Zidane for you. You owe me.

"But it won't be any fun without you," I pout as I give him big doe eyes. He's taken aback, which looks really cute on him. "Please?"

"Really, I don't think I have anything fancy enough for that. Besides…" he starts to argue until I give him the eyes again. "Fine, I'll try to meet you there. No promises, though."

Then I thank him, plant a kiss on his cheek, and bound back to the others. Dagger has this immensely jealous look on her face, and Alma is still staring at Michael. Oh yeah, I know, girlfriend. Believe me, I know.

"That is your painter friend?" Dagger asks. I nod and her face gets even tighter. "But, he's so…"

"…Hot!" Alma finishes as she returns to reality. She turns to me and looks me over. "It's definitely going to take some work to get you up to snuff."

What's wrong with how I look? "Hey, I thought you said I was cute."

"Cute, and that," she points at an oblivious Michael for emphasis, "aren't even on the same planet. He could show up to this thing in a burlap sack and you still wouldn't look as good as he does."

"Gee, thanks," I respond sarcastically.

"Hey, don't get like that," Dagger says as she picks up a bottle of red hair dye in one hand and takes a handful of her own brown locks in the other. "What do you guys think?"

"It's totally you," I tell her. Brown is so boring. I really need to do something with mine. After it grows back that is. Sob.

"Definitely," Alma agrees.

"Fine, I'll get it," Dagger says. Then we all, meaning everyone but Cecil and Kain, start grabbing various beauty products. After Michael rings us up, I have added two bottles of white fingernail polish, one thing of grey eyeliner, some foundation, and a home manicure kit to my satchel. Dagger and Alma each got at least twice the stuff I did.

Next, we arrive at this small boutique known as Rinoa's. Guess who the owner is. That's right! The sorceress from FFVIII herself.

"How can I help you?" she asks when the three of us spill into the store. Cecil and Kain opted to wait outside with Dagger and Alma's stuff, mine wasn't an issue. The look on Alma's face as I threw everything into my satchel was priceless.

"We'd like some dresses for the ball tonight," Alma says as she points to Dagger and herself. Then she places he hands on my shoulders. I can literally feel my face heat up. "He needs something that will make him look fantastic. Price is no matter."

"I normally don't serve men…" Rinoa plods along thoughtfully before her eyes light up with inspiration. "Selphie! Xaio! Come here!"

The bubbly brunette and the cat-girl both show up. Why Rinoa would hire Dark Cloud's feline heroine is beyond me. She must shed something awful during the winter months, and that can't be good for the clothes. Still, I suppose she could keep mice from chewing the fabric to shreds. That train of thought isn't one that I'm very interested in pursuing, though.

"What is he doing here?" Selphie shouts accusingly when catches sight of me. "Did you catch him trying to peek at the customers? You pervert!"

Guess who the last statement was aimed at.

"No," Rinoa says sharply. I'd feel bad for Selphie if she hadn't just accused me of being a pervert. As it is, she can suffer. "He's a customer. Tell me, do we still have that special order from last year's ball?"

"Yes, Mistress," Xaio answers with a purr to her voice. There's something weird about the way she says Mistress, though. Probably something that I shouldn't question.

"Could one of you bring it out for the young man?"

Xaio runs off, leaving Selphie to help the girls find their dresses amongst the racks and racks of possibilities.

"So," I murmur in Rinoa's general direction. "What exactly is this special order? You're not selling me something used, are you?"

"Not exactly," the raven-haired woman answers with a sigh. "It was a special order by a client who never picked it up. You see, he was killed in an airship crash before he could pick it up. It smashed into the Doom Pub and he died on the toilet."

This is weirder than weird. Rinoa Heartilly is trying to sell me a dead man's clothes. Worse, a man who died on the john. Aren't retailers supposed to lie about these things when a customer asks?

"Um, is it too late to cancel?"

She just gets this big grin on her face and shakes her head. "You won't want to after see it."

"Somehow I doubt that."

A couple of minutes later, Xaio arrives with something in a brown paper bag. "It is a little wrinkly, Mistress, but it is still clean."

"Good. Hand it here so that I can show the young man."

Who is she calling a young man? She's my age for crying out loud! She even looks my age, so it isn't a case of her being aged like Lara Croft.

As soon as the outfit is pulled out of the bag, though, all negative thoughts leave my mind. It's made of black silk with silver stitching on the pockets. It's a tux, yet it's just so much more. No suit in the world could ever match it. Who cares if it's former owner died taking a crap, I want it! Everything is as black as Rinoa's hair: the shirt, the tie, the jacket, and the pants. It doesn't come with shoes, but that's something I can worry about later. Right now, I just have to get this masterpiece!

"I'll take it. How much do you want?"

"It's three-and-a-half thousand Gil," Xaio tells. Who cares about the price? I reach into my satchel, count out the money, and hand it to Rinoa.

"The alterations are free. Xaio, would you please size this outfit for the young man? Sir, you can change in the back."

"Thank you," I gush as I take the clothes. No, that's too weak of a word for something this wonderful. Garments! That's it!

I'm led to the changing rooms by the cat-girl. There's tons of gorgeous dresses on the way, but my attention is held firmly by the outfit I hold in hands. Alma was definitely right. If I want to show up with someone as good-looking as Michael, I have to look my best. This outfit will do just that.

A few minutes later, I stand gazing at myself in the mirror as Xaio measures every bit of me with a roll of measuring tape. The arms are a little long, and the legs are just a tad too short, and it needs to be taken in at the waist, but I still look good. I don't know who bought this before me, but I'm glad he's dead. I would've killed him myself for it.

"Wow!"

I turn my head to see Alma and Dagger approaching the dressing rooms. The Princess has a burgundy dress with all kinds of frills gathered up in her arms, and Selphie is carrying Alma's caramel apple coloured number. I never thought that bright green and brown would go together well, but it seems to work.

"Thank you." I smile as the two girls look me over. This is one of the best days of my life.

"Would customer please look forward?" Xaio asks. Because I don't want to ruin the wonderfulness of the garments, I do as I'm asked.

Selphie asks Dagger if she'd like to change first, but she declines and lets Alma go. I suspect she wants to talk to me.

"So, Rick," she says as she takes a seat in a chair that's nearby. "How did you and Michael meet? How long have you known each other?"

Hmm, do I want to give away the banal details of our first encounter? "We met just yesterday, Gorgeous. I helped him carry some stuff into his apartment."

The cat is out of the bag now. I suppose I could have told her that we're old lovers and some more old lies, but it would have caught up with me rather quickly. Lies don't work well with me. I'm a little surprised that I've gotten away with what I've told them so far.

"So, you don't even know if he's like you?"

Like me? What is that supposed to mean? Please tell me that I'm not getting ready to have that conversation. I hate that conversation. Things didn't go over too well when I had it with my parents. I do not want to have it with Dagger. Aargh!

"Whatever do you mean? Of course, he's like me. We're both extremely attractive young men."

She just smiles at me and shakes her head. Whew, crisis avoided. That could have gotten complicated and ugly. Good thing I have brains as well as incredible good looks.

The rest of the time in the boutique is spent chatting. Nothing serious, like fluffy topics like guys and celebrities. Yes, they have celebrities here, too. Lowell is still big. I never really saw what people saw in him, but that could just be me. Alma is in love with him, though. She even admits to being a member of his fan club. Maybe I should tell her about the moogle costume. Better not. He might still be friendly with Michael, and that could put me in the doghouse. Just how friendly were they, though? I refuse to share with that egotistical prat. Prat? Since when am I British?

Alma does look amazing her dress. It matches her skin tone, and her blonde locks spilling against the fabric mesh rather well. Dagger, though, finds that her choice doesn't work out as well as she'd hope. The frills make her looks like an old lady, so she goes back to the drawing board with Selphie in accompaniment.

"How long have you known Garnet?" Alma asks when we're alone. Xaio had finished with my measurements and ran off after a sewing kit.

"Not too long," I reply. Really, it's been about four days, but my history in this world is a complete mystery so I don't know how long I've been a knight or anything. For all I know, Dagger and I could have some kind of lovechild out there in the world. I doubt it, but who knows? Weirder things have already happened. Remember me getting a date with an incredibly hot guy? Yeah, that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Back on earth, nobody would look twice at me. Here, though, I'm just a big sexpot. 

"Have you met Ovelia, yet?"

Ovelia? As in the fake princess from FF Tactics, who falls in love with Delita and marries him, despite the fact that he punches her during their first meeting? Nah, I must be mistaken.

"No. Should I have?" I answer with what is my attempt at ease. Doesn't work too well, because Alma gives me this questioning glance that shows she doesn't believe me.

Then her voice drops to that gossip-whisper volume. "She is only Garnet's older sister. Well, half-sister. See, she's a bastard. Nobody is supposed to talk about her. She was shipped off to serve the church in Ascantha so as to preserve the family dignity. Dagger's father had an affair with one of the servants and she died during the childbirth. I'm surprised you didn't know."

Dagger has a sister? An illegitimate sister? And I thought Cid the bug was nasty.

"Nobody really talked to me. It was all 'Rick do this! Rick, do that!' That's why I quit being a knight," I whisper back, though I don't really know why. Nobody is here to overhear us.

"You were a knight?" Alma exclaims in shock. Hey, it's not that surprising! Seriously, what is with people? They never believe anything I say. It's like they think I'm a politician or something. "Who quits being a knight?"

Someone who doesn't like having overweight men in their thirties or forties, I forget how old Steiner is, yelling at them. Of course, I don't tell Alma this. Instead, I just tell her that I've recently undergone a spiritual transformation and that I believe violence is wrong. Too bad the MCoDs don't feel that way.

"What are you guys talking about?" Dagger asks when she shows up with another dress and Selphie in tow. "Is she talking your ear off, Rick? Alma has a tendency to do that."

"Did you know he's a knight?" Alma asks. "I mean, was a knight."

"I've known Rick for the past two years. He showed up in Alexandria penniless and Steiner took him in, made him a squire, and after about a year and a half of training, he joined the Knights of Pluto," Dagger tells her friend. Then she goes on to tell her a bunch of stuff that I don't care about. What concerns me is the whole Steiner taking me in thing. Rusty took care of me? Somehow, I just can't see it. Besides, where was I before showing up in Alexandria? Did I have a family? Did I have a life? Aargh! This whole living the game thing is so confusing. I don't know my history, and there are so many vital differences between real life and whatever I'm experiencing that it's ridiculous.

Xaio shows back up and begins fixing my outfit, so I have to hold still again. Taking that as her cue, Dagger splits off and tries on her new dress while Alma continues to fill me in on the mundane gossip of the royal family. Aside from Ovelia, there's nothing really interesting.

After we all finish up (Dagger decided to go with a slinky blue number that wouldn't look out of place in a photo from the 1920's), the girls decide that we need to get something to eat. At least they aren't anorexic. That would really cinch this whole valley girl opinion of Alma I'm beginning to develop. Dagger is getting kind of airheaded, too. I hope I don't catch it.

"So, where should we go, boys?" Alma asks Cecil and Kain.

"Wherever you want, Madam," the dragoon answers. She pouts, probably because she has to think, but then turns to the knight for his opinion. When he doesn't offer it, she turns to me. What do I know about Lindblum? I've never been here before. When I point that out to her, she actually groans in frustration and starts to talk it over with Dagger. They decide to go to some place named Somebody. Interesting name.

"What kind of food do they serve at Somebody?" I ask. Please be Mexican. Please be Mexican. I've been craving nachos forever.

"They serve all kinds of stuff. There's Mu, Zahgnol…" Alma begins to list the different monsters they serve, and each one makes me sicker than the last.

Dagger catches on, my green skin tone probably tipped her off, and interrupts her friend's train of thought. "Rick is a vegetarian. That means he doesn't eat meat."

"He doesn't eat meat?" Cecil laughs. It's about time one of those guys actually said something. "What kind of a man are you, boy? You go on a shopping spree, buying clothes and makeup like some kind of woman! Now you don't even eat meat?"

I officially take back the whole Cecil should talk thing.

My face drops so fast that it makes him laugh even harder, and Kain joins in. They even start pointing and muttering undecipherable things to each other. However, Alma comes to my rescue. She actually slaps Cecil, leaving a huge, red hand-shaped mark on the side of his face.

"Don't speak like that about him! He hasn't done anything to you. If I hear you speak again, I'll speak to Father about your behaviour," she threatens. Cecil and Kain stop laughing immediately and the colour drains from their faces. Well, that sobered them up pretty quickly. Alma must still be a member of the nobility in this game. It would explain why someone as sheltered as Dagger is friendly with her.

"Please, don't…" Kain begins, but Alma cuts him off with a slap of his own.

"I said no talking! No real man would judge another man without getting to know him first. To do otherwise is just ignorance."

Maybe I was wrong about Alma. Perhaps she's not an airhead.

"Hey, Rick! They serve salads there. How about after eating, we go get some shoes to go with our new clothes? I doubt you'll want to wear those boots."

Maybe I was right, after all.

So, with that, we continue on our trek to Somebody. There's a cloud of bad feelings handing over everything, though. Cecil and Kain keep glaring at me. They don't say anything, Alma's threat still evident in theirs minds, but their body language clearly shows that they blame me for everything.

Something weird does happen on the way there, though. I literally run into another very familiar person that I don't really know.

"Ow, sorry," she says as she stands up and offers me a hand. The girl has bushy, brown hair and buckteeth. She looks really familiar, yet I can't place her. Weird, since I've recognized everyone else. "I wasn't watching where I was going."

I take her offered hand. Then she sees my bangle and lets go almost immediately, which ends with my butt back on the road. The look of shocked recognition is more than enough to confuse me.

"Can I speak to you alone?" she asks. I look over at my party for advice. Dagger shrugs, Alma gives me the thumbs up, and the other two just start acting like I don't exist. At least they'll leave me alone now.

"Sure."

She grabs my hand and pulls me down a nearby alley. As I begin to nervously ask her what is going on, she reaches into her shirt and pulls out a necklace. On the chain is a rather large charm shaped like a dragon, and at the heart of the charm is a yellow marble like the one on my bangle. She has Materia. I thought I was the only one with Materia. Weird.

"Do you recognize me?" she asks nervously.

"You look a little familiar," I confess. Her identity still hasn't come to me, though.

"I'm Hermione Granger from Hogwarts," she says. Okay, I can literally feel my eyes bulge out of their sockets. Now I know where I've "seen" her before. But that doesn't explain why she has Materia, or where she came from. "Can I ask you something? It might sound a little crazy."

"There are a lot of crazy thing in the world," I say as I run my hand through my hair. My hair… I miss it so.

"Did you just wake up here, in this world?" she asks in quiet voice. "No explanation, no sensation. Just in your world one second, and here the next?"

How did she know? What is going on? Is she screwing around with me? "Um. How did you…"

"Know?" she finishes. "It happened to me, too. I've been seeing all kinds of people that I thought existed only in muggle video games or books or movies, and I thought you were just another one. Until I saw your bracelet, that is. Do you know how we got here?"

"Not a clue. I've just been travelling with some people. What about you?" I can't just tell her everything. I mean, I don't know what the heck is going on right now, let alone in general. How would she react if she knew I was experiencing the core of the game?

"There's this magical school in some place known as the Seilje Region or something like that. There's a portal there on this mountain known as the Alexandrian Plateau. It's not exactly like Hogwarts, but the similarities are mind-blowing."

Seilje Region? Isn't that from Wild Arms 2? My brother used to play that game all the time, but he never beat it. He lost interest after getting FFIX. Whoa, she's right. My mind has just been blown.

"Hey, Hermione! What're you doing!" a girl with brown pigtails shouts. "We have to go! They're expecting us back at the hotel!"

"Just a minute, Lilka!" Hermione screams back. "Are you staying in the hotel across from the air cab station?"

"Yeah."

She looks at the flaky hero from the second Wild Arms game before looking back at me. "I'm in room 214. Come tonight at midnight. We need to talk."

With that, she stuffs her necklace back into her shirt and runs off, bushy brown hair flying in the wind. This day is so weird. First, Dagger invites me to her royal thing, then, Michael kind of agrees to go out with me, and now this. Hermione Granger just said that she woke up here in a fashion similar to my own experience. Also, she admitted to recognizing me. How could she recognize me? I'm not famous. Unless… Maybe, in her world, I'm a huge movie star! That's something I can see. Or, I could be a supermodel. Few people are as good-looking as me, after all. Only Michael and Brad Pitt surpass me. that's who I'll admit to, anyway.

The girls are all bubbly when I get back to the group. Luckily, Cecil and Kain are still doing that whole ignoring me thing. This isn't exactly a conversation that they should be involved in. One on being a brainless jerk, sure. Just not girl talk. It took years before I could even be included in girl talk.

"So…" Dagger gets this big-eyed look on her face and holds her hands behind her back before leaning down at me. Curse my shortness! "What did she want?"

"Um, she thought I was someone else. It's nothing," I lie quickly. Whew, dodged another bullet. Good thinking, Rick. You are so smart.

Both of my… I guess "friends" is an appropriate word to use. Anyway, they looked really bummed out. Probably wanted some juicy details about us making out behind a dumpster. Why would I do something like that with her when I have Michael waiting on me? Kind of. We are still in the friend stage, I think. That's something that'll probably be worked out later tonight.

So, we continue on our way to Somebody. Who would name a restaurant that? I'll probably walk in and have Rydia as my waitress, or Zell will be the busboy. There have been way too many characters from other video games here for me to keep track. Sure, there're a lot of references to other games in FFIX, but this is ridiculous!

As it turns out, there are no RPG-related characters anywhere in the place, unless you count my party. A young man with an owl mask on his face seats us at a table for three. Cecil and Kain opted to go straight for the bar. I just hope that they aren't mean drunks.

Alma orders Albatross wings, Dagger gets herself some filet de Mu, and I stick with a single side salad. The waiter clears his throat a little before leaving.

"Why was he wearing a mask?" I ask. Being the clueless moron gets old. When will Quina show up? Someone needs to be here to make me look smart. Too bad, there's nothing that can be done to make me look like I used to. My hair… 

Steiner is going to pay. I don't know when or how, but he will.

Giggling returns, but it's not mocking in nature. They're just finding amusement in my stupidity. Hold on a moment. Isn't that the same thing as mockery?

"Rick, the employees here all wear masks. It's part of the shtick. The place is called Somebody, because you don't know who anybody is," Dagger explains. Makes sense, I guess. Nobody would have been a better name, though.

We then spend our time chitchatting until our meals arrive. My salad isn't very appetizing. The lettuce is wilted, plus there are little chunks of cooked meat scattered all throughout. When Alma notices, she orders the waiter to bring me a new, meatless salad made with fresh vegetables. She's kind of mean about it, too. It wasn't his fault. I never specified to him that it was supposed to be a vegetarian salad. That sounds weird to me, too. Then again, there is vegetarian vegetable soup. The world is just full of ironies. However, the lettuce was definitely a show of poor quality. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to come here.

"Is something wrong, Rick?" Dagger asks with a mouthful of Mu. Aren't princesses supposed to have manners? Also, for some reason, I'm reminded of Zidane. "They're making you a new salad."

"Nah, I'm good," I tell her. Why am I being such a killjoy? Hermione could have something to do with it. There is someone else in this world aware that she shouldn't be here. Are we the only ones? How are we even aware of that fact when people like Alma and Rinoa aren't? Why are we so special? Why do we both have Materia and jewellery shaped like dragons? This had better not be some kind of prank that Zidane or Dagger set up. Vivi's probably still too shocked by yesterday to try something like this, and Steiner is clearly too stupid. That just leaves my princess and thief friends.

She shrugs it off, something I'm thankful for. A few minutes later, my salad arrives and I wolf it down. It's not as good as Michael's. Heck, Michael's probably wasn't as good as Michael's. Paper would've tasted good to me last night, since I'd finally gotten to eat. It tastes alright, though.

After we finish, which takes awhile because Dagger's a slow eater, the girls collect the boys. They aren't plastered. Guess warriors of their calibre can hold their liquor. So why wasn't Squall and Co. allowed to drink at that bar in Dollet? You know, the one with the drag queen. I never expected Sony to be brave enough to allow a game like that onto American shores. They have a tendency to be all heavy with the censorship. Then again, that's why they have fanfiction. My brother was obsessed with the stuff. Me? I personally never got into it. Who wants to read about how in love Vincent and Yuffie are. Really, who wants to read about a sixteen-year-old and some guy who could be eighty for all I know. Nobody knows how old Vincent is. So, it can only be described as ew. Um, where am I going with this?

So then, Alma suggests waiting on the shoes and getting our hair and nails done first. Sounds like a great idea to me. Maybe the MCoDs will be less, erm, volatile if they're all spiffed up. Probably not. At least I'll finally be rid of this awful haircut. Curse Steiner, and curse myself. I am the one who bought the frickin' sword, after all.

"I've never actually been to a ball. They had them where I was before I came to Alexandria, but I was never invited. How should I behave? Is it a big formal event, or just another excuse for the nobility to get drunk?" I ask as I clean my nails the best I can before we actually arrive at wherever it is we're going. So what if I lied a little? It's pretty much the same back home. Only rich people and their gold-digging girlfriends and/or gigolos went to balls. The rest of us had nightclubs. Gee, I wonder who had more fun.

"Rick!" Alma exclaims with shock. Oh, right, she's a noble. The drunk remark was probably in bad taste. Then again, so is her choice in bodyguards. Why are they here anyway? It's not like there are assassins out to kill us. Oh, right, the Turks. Probably shouldn't forget them. How many are there, now? Guess I'll have to wait for Crisis Core or whatever the stupid thing is before I find out. Besides, why haven't we encountered Tseng? Advent Children ruined my hopes of his being dead. Why did they resurrect the annoying woman-beater, anyway?

Dagger just laughs and shakes her head. Being royalty has its perks, I guess. She doesn't have to worry about offending the nobles, because she outranks them. Treno is going to be so much fun. That stupid guy outside the cafe who buys, I think, that mirror is really annoying. Maybe I'll let the MCoDs have a go at him.

However, Cecil and Kain don't find the humour in the situation. The dragoon gives a disapproving snort. His sword-wielding buddy lays a hand on the hilt of the weapon, but doesn't draw it. If only the other knight I know could learn that kind of self-control. Nope, he just has to scream that my mother was a whore and cut my beautiful hair off.

"See," I point out with a finger actually pointing at the girl. "This is why I need coaching. I'm socially retarded. Good looks and great clothes don't make good manners."

"A little high on the ego, isn't he?" Alma asks Dagger with a roll of her eyes. "How ever did you survive it for three days?"

"He wasn't too bad when Steiner was chasing Zidane and him around. It was actually pretty funny. Sometimes I would even instigate it," the princess admits. Evil! I knew I couldn't annoy Steiner that much by myself. Even Rick has his limits. "He's a good boy, though. Aren't you, Rick?"

Do I look like a German shepherd?

"This is a special ball, to commemorate the Festival of the Hunt. It's held every year on the day before the actual Hunt. Then, for three days after, we celebrate with a festival. While commoners aren't usually admitted to the ball, everyone is allowed to attend the Festival. More people come for that than to actually participate in the Hunt," Alma explains. That's a nice little slice of history, but it doesn't answer my question. How in the world am I supposed to act?

"Um, that helps me how?"

"Don't look at me." Dagger shakes her head and puts her hands in front of her with the palms open to show that I shouldn't even attempt it. To think, I could have spent today hanging out with Zidane and checking out all of the local women if I'd picked Michael over him. Still, how often do I get a hot date? My point exactly.

Alma smiles and puts an arm around me. No noogies. Please, no noogies. I feel bad enough about my follicle problems as it is. "To put it in your words, 'it's just another excuse for the nobles to get drunk'. That's my father's tradition anyway. My brother's aren't exactly at that level, yet. Ramza is pretty close. He's a real party animal. You might see him there. He's the blonde one who's in purple. What it is with that boy and that colour I'll never know."

So, I can just be myself? Good to know, since I don't know how to be anyone else. Why I would want to be anyone else is beyond me. I'm perfect, unless you count the hair. That should change soon.

"Miss Alma, we are going to your usual place, yes?" Cecil asks in a tone that is the complete opposite of that which was used in their depiction of me not being a "real man." Please, everyone knows that a real man can tell the difference between a flannel shirt and a plaid shirt. The first is a fabric; the second is a design. Just in case anyone was wondering.

"Of course, I wouldn't trust my hair to anyone but Wutai."

Wutai? The village in FFVII where Yuffie and Elena are abducted by Don Corneo? It's been reduced to nothing more than a beauty salon? Meh, it'll probably make more money this way. There wasn't much reason to go there other than the Leviathan Materia and the aforementioned side quest. There is also the Turtle's Paradise poster thing, but I never could find them all. The ones in Sector Five and Gold Saucer, sure. It's the others that bug the heck out of me. That, and the Weapons. Those things are a pain in the butt to kill. I think I only managed to off one. The one that's flying. Ruby and Emerald killed me every time.

Things only get more complicated when we actually arrive at Wutai. It's shaped like a pagoda, big surprise. Inside, everyone is dressed like they just stepped out Mulan. That was a good movie with a heck of a soundtrack.

"Reservation for two?" a familiar-looking man in ninja garb asks as he approaches us. Is this who I think it is? It's Edge from FFIV. Man, does he look good. That pathetic monkey-ish dude from the tradition-bound ninja clan is gone, replaced with a tall, freshly shaven man in his early twenties with a great head of hair (big surprise, seeing as how we're in a salon) and a gorgeous smile. If I didn't kind of sort of have Michael, I would so be all over him right now. Screw shame.

"Three actually, under Beoulve. You'll see that it was made yesterday."

Wait. This appointment was made yesterday. I wasn't invited to hang out until this morning. There's something fishy going on, and this isn't related to the constantly re-occurring article about fishy smells that magazines like Teen Beat and Redbook always have.

"Dagger, can I ask you something?" The tone of my voice must give away the meaning behind my question, because she turns to me with big puppy dog eyes. She is so pathetic.

"Of course, Rick. You can ask me anything. That doesn't mean that I'll be able to answer it, though."

Why am I cursed with weird friends? "Am I really who you wanted to hang out with today? Because if this was reserved yesterday…"

"Of course you are!" she says with way too much enthusiasm. And I thought George Bush was a bad liar. Unite people my foot. The only thing people ever came together for was hating him. Seriously, how in the world did he get re-elected? Anyway, moving on…

"Whatever." There's really no need to drag this into something ugly. One of us could end up yelling, and then Cecil and/or Kain (who opted to wait outside, presumably for appearance sake) would bust in and impale me on some very sharp weapon. It sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it? Lucky me.

Edge, or that's what I'm calling him, then leads us through a series of sliding doors. The walls really are made of paper in places like this. I can see the shadows of people as we pass by. Some of the actions look less than sanitary. There's a woman screaming at a man that she's tired of cooking and cleaning all day, and she's actually forcing him to eat off the floor. You go girl!

When we arrive at our destination, I can see a design very similar to what we have back on Earth. Well, with the exception of buckets instead of sinks. There is still the ever present swivel chair, though. Explain to me how they can create a swivel chair in this era, but not know what a vegetarian is. Really.

"Just take a seat in one of our chairs. The cosmeticians will be with you soon," the ninja guy tells us before leaving. Cosmeticians? A little fancy, aren't we? Hmm, if things don't work out with Michael, I may just have to set up another session at Wutai. For the MCoDs, of course. There's definitely no other reason I could have for wanting to come back.

Dagger is the first to sit down, spinning in her chair and laughing while Alma and I look on. This is what I'm supposed to protect from Brahne? Well, if that's why I'm here. There still hasn't been a clue as to just why I'm here or even how I got here. Just a very cool looking satchel and some jewellery. Hopefully, Hermione will know something. Unless it's a trap set up by the Turks to get one bodyguard out of the way. Still, that doesn't explain how she knew about Hogwarts.

"So, what do you think you're going to do with this mess?" Alma inquires as she starts playing with my bangs. Did I say that she could touch me? "You wouldn't look good with a crew cut."

"Girl, I've known that my entire life."

She retracts her fingers and sits next to Dagger. They start up a chat about some scandal in the nobility or something else over my head, so I just look around for a magazine. Nothing. Well, at least I brought the satchel with me, so I still have my books.

Did you ever really notice just how brutal Squall is with Quistis in the "Secret Area" scene? Man, the guy is a jerk. He's rude to Rinoa, sure, but never on the same level as he is with the Instructor. Go talk to a wall, indeed. I'd like to introduce his head to a wall.

"Rick, they're here." Alma jabs me in the side with her elbow. Ow!

"Hello, I'm Yuffie," my beautician says as I lower my book. Huh, so it is. Seeing as how the place is named Wutai, I'm not really surprised. It would be more surprising for her to not be here. "How can I help you today?"

"A manicure, a pedicure, and could you do something about my hair?" I ask the annoying ninja. Don't get me wrong, I like her as a character, but as a fighter, she is worthless. That's why she's annoying. "The last moron I let touch it screwed it up."

She gives me one of those looks that people in the service industry give customers that they think are going to be difficult. Maybe I shouldn't read this particular book. Squall is starting to rub off on me.

"Very well then. We'll start with your hair, since that seems to be the most important to you. Now, hold still, this won't hurt a bit."

Yuffie picks up a pair of scissors. Don't ask me if they existed in the Middle Ages, because I don't know. Then again, they didn't have airships in the Middle Ages back on Earth, so there's no telling what I'll find here.

I squeeze my eyes closed and grit my teeth as the first sounds of metal rubbing together greets my ears.


	11. Chapter 11

Never. I never should have agreed to come to this stupid thing. Sure, I look good (really, even the emphasis can't get across just how hot I am), but what does that really do for me? Michael stood me up and, on top of that, I now what I'll look like in forty years. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am bald. Not really, since my hair was all shaved off instead of simply falling out, but that isn't much consolation. That stupid ninja told me that there wasn't anything else she could do with it short of a crew cut. That definitely wasn't happening. So I told her to go ahead and remove the last vestiges of my old, earthly life. Seriously, I hadn't even named the MCoDs until I got to Gaia. It doesn't look bad, though. My lack of hair, I mean. At least I know I'll be a pretty middle-aged bald man. The MCoDs are even back to their former glory, all smooth and shiny with a dark violet, almost black, coating of polish. It hasn't curtailed their bloodlust though. Every time I catch sight of Steiner, who is thankfully ignoring me, I have to hide them under the tablecloth so that the people getting their punch don't think I'm going to attack them.

That's right, I'm by the punchbowl. Wallflower city, baby. Did I mention I got stood up? Stupid Michael. He told me that he wasn't comfortable with the idea and that he might not come, but I'm so freakin' hot! Darn it! Anyone would be lucky to have me, right now.

I just wanted to join in on the happy couple stuff, even if Michael was just coming with me as a friend. Dagger is getting down with Palom, or Porom, whichever one is the male twin. Zidane, believe it or not, is here with Alma. Why didn't she mention it? She had all day to tell me. Besides, the way Dagger said that he had a date implied that he'd just picked up some stranger, not her best friend. Stupid women. Can't live with them, but I can't live without them, either. Who else is going to doll me up? Zidane? No thanks. I'd rather not have my hair cut with something that had been stuck into the side of some retarded squirrel.

Vivi's not here, but that isn't a big surprise. When Alma and she showed up at the hotel to pick Zidane and I up (we got to ride in a chocobo-drawn carriage!) for the ball, Dagger mentioned that my cute little buddy had befriended some children of the castle's servants and would be staying with them tonight. That's actually great. It's nice to know that the children of Lindblum are willing to accept him, unlike the evil, drunken brats of Dali.

Whoever set this shindig up really pulled out all the stops. There are banners, flowers, and fountains spewing wine everywhere. Don't ask me why, but there's just something classy about watching a fat baby with wings continuously pouring alcohol from a jug. At least it's not peeing out the booze, like some of the parties I went to back on earth. Oh, the joys of "living la lower middle class."

"How're you doing, Princess?" Zidane asks as he takes a break from dancing to get something to drink. Alma doesn't really look like she's missing him. She just starts dancing with Dagger as the orchestra starts up a new song. That's right, an orchestra! Still, if Tantalus has one, I can't be too surprised to learn that the royal family does, too.

"How do you think?" I mutter bitterly. My arms are folded across my chest and I'm not even letting my feet tap along with beat. That's how upset I am. "I'm the frickin' loser by the punchbowl, again."

"Again? I thought you told Dagger and Alma that this was your first ball."

"I was being metaphoric," I respond angrily. "Growing up, I was always the odd man out. It seems that won't be changing anytime soon."

He gulps down a glass of the red liquid in the crystal bowl behind me and wipes his mouth with his sleeve. That's right, I said sleeve. Zidane is wearing sleeves. As in he is actually all dressed up for this thing. Something tells me that Cecil and Kain might have had something to do with the casual-loving thief getting formal.

"So what? Who says you have to be with someone to be the life of the party? Just get out there and have fun," he suggests. "You may even meet someone who'll make you forget all about that moron. If he can't see how wonderful you are, then he doesn't deserve you."

Did I just get a compliment from Zidane? Without it being backhanded? Wow, I must be pathetic. At least he isn't rubbing it in about Michael being a jerk. I was so stupid to pick that painter over my friend.

"What do you suggest I do?" I inquire as I watch Alma and Dagger begin rubbing up against each other. They're definitely drawing a lot of attention, and none of it is positive: unless you count the men. They're eating it up. Tongues hanging out and everything. It's even worse than when Alma and Dagger saw Michael for the first time, or when we all met Minister Croft. Besides, who would have thought that it would be possible to dirty dance to violins and oboes?

Zidane grabs my wrist, drawing the attention but, surprisingly, not the ire of the MCoDs. The thief drags me out onto the packed dance floor. If that's what you want to call it. The only people dancing, other than Dagger and Alma, are Minister Croft and a man with spiky yellow hair. Gee, I wonder who that could be.

"Honey, what are you doing?" I ask as the music stops and the horn section begins a dramatic tune that I don't know. Zidane just grabs my right hand with his left and wraps his free one around my waist. Seeing as how my only options are to slap the crap the crap out of him or play along, I put my left hand on his right shoulder.

"We're making you the life of the party," he laughs. Then we start spinning with music. The attention begins to drift away from the blonde and redhead (yes, Dagger died her hair. It didn't turn out so great though. It's more purple than red, but nobody is going to say anything her because she's the princess) and onto the two commoners getting down. Can you call doing the quickstep getting down? Probably not. At least I finally got something out of watching Dancing with the Stars. I don't care what anyone says; Stacey Keebler was robbed.

Surprisingly, I'm keeping up with Zidane. I was always the wallflower at dances. You can dance alone to fast songs without appearing pathetic, but when it came to ballads all I could do was stand by the punchbowl. The couples always hogged the slow songs.

Speaking of ballads, the next song is one. Someone, I have no clue who she is since I've never been to Lindblum before, steps in front of the orchestra. It's a woman in her twenties with her hair pulled back and a tight black, sequined dress draped over her thin body and pale skin. Anorexia, anyone? She sits behind a piano and all of the people start clapping. Even Zidane is giving catcalls in regards to her hotness. She does look kind of familiar, though. Then again, so does half of this town, so I'm not going to bother myself with it.

The woman begins the first few bars of a quiet piano ballad, and I recognize her immediately. This is Julia from Final Fantasy VIII: Rinoa's mother, to those who did pay attention to the details.

Drawing me closer, Zidane lets go of my hand and puts both arms around my waist. I respond in kind by interlacing my fingers behind his neck. How come I don't get to lead? We start to move slowly to the music. It's kind of awkward, since the stupid nobles are refusing to budge. I came here to dance, and I'm going to dance! So what if it's not with Michael? There is more to people than how good-looking they are. Now I just have to find out what that is.

"Feeling better, Princess?" he asks as we start another circle. Good thing I bought new shoes today. I wouldn't be able to make a single graceful move in those stupid boots. The footwear of choice tonight is a simple pair of black dress shoes that pinch my toes slightly. Good luck finding anything that actually fits.

"A little," I confess. Who needs Michael when you have friends like this? Heck, who needs him when you look like this? I am such a catch.

He laughs and looks over at Dagger and Alma. They've acquired new dance partners. Dagger is back with Porom, or is it Palom? Anyway, Alma has picked up some young guy I actually don't recognize. Either he's not an import, or he's an import that I don't know. He looks to be a few years younger than us, though. About thirteen or fourteen. Meh.

"I can't believe you actually came with Alma. She so does not seem like your type," I inform Zidane as we twirl around an older couple who each gives us dirty looks, like they know we're just filthy commoners who shouldn't be there.

"Why? Because she's rich and gorgeous?"

"Exactly," I answer with a laugh as he dips me. Then he drops me, and the back of my head hits the floor. Not only does this hurt, it seems awfully familiar. Why do I have a sudden sense of déjà vu? Actually, a better question is why he dropped me.

I climb to my feet, using Zidane as a ladder of sorts. The MCoDs are going crazy right now, but I have enough control to keep from tearing into him until I find out what's going on.

My eyes follow his line of vision and then I see it: Dagger is dancing with yet another man, one with blonde hair, green eyes, and a long scar running between those green eyes. They're pretty close, too. I mean, really close. Plus, this particular young man just happens to be tasting the tonsils of the princess. Ladies and gentleman, I do believe that Dagger is making out with Seifer Almasy. Why he's here, I don't know. Then again, I don't know why I'm here. Well, I know why I'm at the party: Dagger invited me. What I really mean is… Ah, forget it. That story is way too old by now. Perhaps I'll never even know.

"Wow, he's cute," I say offhandedly. Zidane responds by smacking me in the back of the head. Hey, I thought the slapstick was over.

"He is so not cute," Zidane comments through gritted teeth. Why, I do declare: my little thief is jealous!

We stand there watching the PDA through the rest of the song. When it ends, Alma runs over to us all excited. She's gushing about Dagger. When she notices my grin, she turns to Zidane. "See, I told you it would make him feel better. And you didn't want to dance with him."

Huh? He didn't want to bother with me? This whole act of kindness was all Alma's idea. In fact, Zidane was even against the idea. At least now, I know what he thinks of his "Princess." I'm feeling all inadequate and alone, and he has to be goaded into doing spending five minutes with me. Dagger makes out with the pseudo-villain from FFVIII and he freaks out. He probably hasn't forgiven me for the whole Michael thing, after all.

"Hey, Princess, are you okay?" he asks, putting a hand on my shoulder. I shrug him off and walk away without a word. Really, I need some time alone to think this through.

Zidane tries, unsuccessfully, to stop me by putting a hand on my shoulder. I just shrug him off and push past Alma. She has a big-eyed look on her face. Something about that makes me feel bad. She was just trying to be good friend, unlike Zidane.

When I get out of the area where the ball is being held, I run down the halls until I see a familiar area. I'm near the nursery where my whole "Lindblum Experience" began. Trying to remember where it is, I walk to the elevator with my hand on the wall for support, because I don't trust myself to stand. I wipe my eyes as I come to the contraption.

"We're you headed, kid?" the man who got the unlucky job of operating the lift on the night of the formal asks.

"Just take me to the aircab station."

It's a mystery to me where I'm going to go. The hotel room doesn't seem like a comforting place to go, and returning to the ball is definitely out of the picture. I'm not ready to face the others, not after what I just heard. Zidane doesn't want to be friends with me. He didn't want to spend any time with me. All because of that jerk Michael!

The layers of metal between the levels of the "castle", as I once heard the city of Lindblum described, fly by my eyes. Mr. Elevator Guy doesn't say anything, just an announcement that we've reached our destination when the lift stops moving.

Walking to the aircab is quite a task. Not that it was difficult, but the number of people waiting outside in hopes of getting in is rather large. People ask me what it's like to be at the ball as I push my way through. Of course, I ignore them since my mind is focused on other things like how I don't have friends anymore.

For some reason, I decide to go to the business district anyway. There's nothing that I can do there, since all of the businesses are closed for the celebration. When I get there, without thinking, I walk right past the hotel without even stopping to change. I'd already decided not to go there, remember?

"Rick! Hey, Rick, hold on!" someone shouts. At first, I think it is Zidane, trying to apologize to me again. It can't be, though. He would have called me "Princess." Next in line is Hermione, but she's not expecting me until midnight, and it's only about nine o'clock. Besides, this voice way is too deep to be her. So imagine my lack of surprise when I turn around and see Michael.

"What do you want?" I ask with bitterness. His face, when he gets close enough for me to see it, is mixed with guilt and worry. Good. He should feel bad after the way he treated me. I was humiliated. I chose him over my friend! How could I have been so stupid?

"Can I just apologize and explain?" he begs. Darn it, even when he's being pitiful he's good-looking. The torches lighting the streets cast shadows over his face that make him even more irresistible… No. Rick, you are mad at him. Mad. Let the MCoDs have their way with his pretty face. Then maybe you won't be so driven to just forget it all.

"Explain what?" I reply with a break in my voice. Damn it! Why should this jerk be able to elicit these emotions from me? Then again, I am still really down over the revelation that nobody wants to be my friend. "Are you going to explain how you thought it would be funny to make me feel like crap after letting me get my hopes up? I spent a lot of money for tonight. Do you know how much this outfit costs? My hair! I let some ninja shave my head just so that I would embarrass you with that awful haircut. My nails were even filed, buffed, and painted for you! No, don't bother trying to explain anything to me. No matter what you say, it won't justify what you've done."

He looks taken aback and kind of hurt. Unsure of whether or not I did the right thing by telling him off, I start running away. I don't even care where I go. Anywhere is better than being around people that I know. Just let me be alone with some strangers who don't want to ask me to dance or try to justify their actions.

Soon enough, I get my wish. There is a large gathering of people in the square, dancing, drinking, and singing along with some music that I'm sure I don't know. The pickle cart, the one from that scene where the old lady thinks Steiner is trying to pick up chicks, is still out. Taking advantage of the shadows it offers, I crawl beside it and pull my knees up to my chin in the hopes that no one will notice me.

How did this all happen to me? No, this isn't me rehashing the whole waking up in FFIX thing; I'm kind of over that. Besides, I'll probably get some answers when I talk to Hermione later tonight. No, this is all about the here and now. Zidane hates me, I hate Michael, and I still smell the Lindblum pickles even though the cart is empty. I was having such a good time with Alma and Dagger today. Getting dolled up, buying new clothes: it was almost like I was back home, almost like I was with my old friends. Heck, I even had a date! That's something that didn't even happen back on Earth.

Things were just too good to be true. That's why dreams end. I was dreaming, and reality gave me a harsh slap to wake me up. Well, when I find that little tramp, I'm going to slap her right back.

"Anything interesting?" that voice questions as I hear gravel shift, an indication that someone is sitting beside me. Why did he have to follow me? Do people not know that you don't interrupt a man when he's sulking? Geez, this is so ridiculous. Next thing you know he'll be telling me that polyester is just as good as cotton. Blech.

"What is with you?" I point an accusing finger in his face, but he just laughs and pushed it away. Brave man, getting that close to the MCoDs. Hey, they aren't trying to go for the jugular. That's weird. Did the pickle fumes knock them out or something?

"I showed up at the castle for your dance thing, but the guards would let me in," he says as he puts an arm around my shoulders. Even though Zidane does it all the time, there's something different about the way Michael does it. "That's why I was waiting outside your hotel: to tell you that when you got back from having a blast with your friends. You didn't have a blast, though. Did you?"

A small smile dares to cross my lips when I answer him. "Nope. No blasting for me."

Wow. He really did care. I thought he was being a jerk, but I was so mad at Zidane that I ended up being the jerk. Yet, despite my jerky behaviour, he still followed me to make sure I was okay. Not even Dagger or Alma did that. I really didn't expect Zidane to.

"Come on. It may not be some big thing filled with rich snobs, but there's a celebration going on. Look around you." Michael stands up and offers me a hand. Taking it, I finally take in just what is going on. Sure, I'd noticed the behaviour of the people, but I hadn't really taken into account that they might be celebrating. This could have just been another drunken beer fest, like at my uncle's trailer park. Oh, the joys of being born into the local white trash family.

The painter drags me out into the middle of the street, where the people are at there thickest. At least now I can see who is playing. There're two guys, one with long hair and the other's is short. The long-haired one is playing an acoustic guitar (huh?) while his buddy is singing. Okay, this one I do know. Can anyone say Bad Luck? So what if my descriptions suck? At least I said who it was.

Anyway, it's a really fast song played on acoustic guitar (I repeat, huh? Those definitely didn't exist in the Middle Ages) and a mini-piano thing that I assume is supposed to take the place of the synthesizer. Wait, where's the third guy?

Michael, in addition to being hot in a dark green turtleneck and black slacks with a black belt holding them up because they're just a tad too big around his waist, can dance. Not the fancy ballroom dancing I did with Zidane, either. This boy can really get down. While I was blessed with good looks and extreme intelligence, my genes (most of which had to be recessive. If you don't believe me, take a look at my family sometime) did not grant me the ability to dance. White man's disease has claimed yet another victim.

"Loosen up," Michael purrs as he grabs my arm and pulls me close. Really close. Some things are bumping, while others are grinding. Now I understand why my uber-uptight cousin in the seminary said that prom was basically foreplay.

I turn around, the beat starting to flow over me as I gyrate rhythmically against my dance partner. My back is up against his chest and I crook my left arm around his neck. He interlaces his left fingers with mine, while using his right to turn my head up towards him. Hmm, maybe being short isn't so bad after all. I get to look up to Michael, a really hot guy. How many people get to say that? Outside of LA and San Francisco, I mean.

"I like your new look," he quips with a smile. Really? Even the being bald thing? Either he's being legit, or I have very good liar on my hands. Despite what the bumper stickers say, bald is not beautiful. I am, and the baldness only manages to diminish it a little. Note to self: remember to kill Steiner in his sleep.

"Like I'm really going to believe that." Then it starts to rain. Um… cliché, anyone?

It doesn't hamper anyone's spirit, though. They're all still excited and drunk.

"Crap!" I shout as I pull away.

Michael has that hurt look on his face again. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No," I answer with an accompanying shake of my head. "I just can't stay in the rain, my outfit will get ruined."

"Where's that jacket I gave you?"

"Oh, I left it in the hotel room. Nobody mentioned anything about rain, and I was expecting to be inside all night." He just shakes his head, the rain growing heavier by the second. His hair is plastered to his forehead, and he just looks all the hotter for it. A dry Michael is a sexy Michael. A wet Michael is a sexier Michael. This is something that I'm going to have to keep in mind.

"Forget about your outfit, I'll buy you a new one," he coos, leaning down to press his forehead against mine. Okay, there are two things wrong with this scenario. Firstly, Michael is getting steamy and stuff with me. Have I mentioned that he's way out of my league? Thought so. The other thing: there is no way that he can buy me a new outfit. This thing was a special order that I only got because some guy died before he could pick it up.

"This cost me thirty-five hundred Gil," I tell him. His face falls, but he quickly recovers.

"Is it a label outfit?"

How should I know? I've never been much of a fashion connoisseur when it comes to video games. "I bought it at Rinoa's Boutique."

A whistle escapes him as his face grows even closer, something I thought impossible. "Seems you'll have to settle for a knockoff, then," he breathes against my lips. Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

Then comes something that I had been sort of halfway expecting. His mouth closes over mine just as I prepare to offer a rebuttal on the uselessness of trying to pass off a fake as the real thing. Well, I guess that answers Dagger's question as to whether or not he's "like me." Wait! What is he doing with his tongue? Oh, right.

I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him in even tighter. My lips begin to hurt at the ferocity of the kiss, but they hurt in a good way. The rain continues to pound down on us, and our fellow commoners continue to dance. Hmm, maybe a couple of guys making out in the middle of the street isn't as uncommon as I had been expecting. Either that, or they're just too drunk to care. My experience with drunks tells me that that is a viable possibility.

You know, clichés aren't all that bad.


	12. Chapter 12

Michael is such a good kisser, and he tastes great, too. The flavour of mentholated cough drops lingers on my pallet. Before I met him, I never liked mentholated cough drops. Even when I have a cold, I don't do cough drops. My medicine is that nasty cough syrup. Not cough drops. Okay, someone explain to me why I'm talking about cough drops when I have Michael's tongue in my mouth.

"I really like you," he groans as he pushes me into a wall. Ow. It hurts, and in that way that I had hoped it would. His hands explore my chest, then move up to my shoulders, making their way to my wrists. He raises my arms above my head, pinning them to the wall. I've seen this movie. It ends rather well, in my opinion.

"I like you too," I answer, struggling futilely against his strength. It only seems to bring a bigger grin to his face.

"How much?"

He then throws me onto his couch. Something sticks into my side, probably a paintbrush, but I don't mind. The incredibly hot guy then straddles me. With a laugh, he leans down and kisses me again. And again and again and again.

"Are you up, Princess?" he asks.

Huh? What did he say? That's a little forward. Then again, look at what we're doing.

"Hey," Michael asks again, much louder this time. "Are you up?"

My eyes flutter open and I sit upright in bed. Ah man, that was such a good dream. What idiot had to ruin it? Probably the one in the doorway. Zidane is standing there looking at me with a raised eyebrow. "What did you say?"

He sighs and walks toward me, sitting on the edge of my bed. "I asked if you were up."

"How is that any of your business?" I shriek, pulling my covers up to my chin. How dare he ask such a thing? He really is a pervert!

"Princess, I was wondering if you were awake," he answers with that confused look still on his face. "What did you think I was talking about?"

A quick look out the window shows that it's still night. In an attempt to change the subject, I ask him for the time. "I have somewhere to be."

Really, I was just resting my eyes. Michael and I danced until about ten, and then he escorted me back to the hotel. Being the gentleman that he is, he didn't even ask if he could come up. Oh well, that's his loss. I hope I didn't oversleep and miss my talk with Hermione. That is a chance to really clear up some of the fog around my whole being here thing. No, that old issue is not being rehashed. It's just something that I felt that I should check into. There could be a reason that I'm here at this place and time.

"It's about eleven-thirty. Where are you going? To meet Michael again?"

How did he… "How do you know that I met up with Michael? Did you follow me?"

Zidane tells me that he did. He felt bad for how he had acted, and even worse for I reacted. Fine, I'll admit, I overreacted a bit, but what else was I supposed to do? Standing there looking like the fool isn't exactly my thing. I also have to open my mouth and shove both feet in.

"How come I didn't see you, Honey?" I'm sure I would have noticed him following me. There may be many things wrong with me, but my sight isn't one. My doctors say that I have 20/20 vision.

"Why do you think? I saw you two going at it! Dagger was bad enough, but even you are getting some…" he sighs. His shoulders slump in defeat. Then he jumps up with renewed vigour and raises his hands in victory. "That's it. Tomorrow, I WILL get a date!"

I climb out of bed, still in my gorgeous suit, which is now all wrinkled and damp. They don't have dry cleaners on Gaia, do they? There's definitely no way I'm going to bother inventing an iron. It would probably just end up burning my suit and exploding in my face. That's what happened the last time I tried to buy pop at the store. This was on Earth, mind you. I was in one of those big department stores and looking over the diet sodas when the guy next to me knocks one over. Some stupid kid must have shaken it up or something, because it rolled onto the floor and blew up. Somehow, I was the only person caught in the blast. My pride was injured, yes, but something far worse than that happened. My shoes were ruined. Those things were a steal! They were a rip off of a knockoff of a copy of the shoes that Johnny Knoxville wore for his photo shoot in GQ when Dukes of Hazzard came out. The movie sucked worse than any Sharon Stone movie released after Basic Instinct, but he still looked really good.

"Excuse me," I say rather testily as I poke him in the chest to get his attention. "What do you mean when you say that even I am 'getting some'?"

"Did I say that?" he comments with a nervous laugh. "That didn't come out right."

"How was it supposed to come out?" The MCoDs begin flexing violently. I haven't tortured Zidane in awhile. All I needed was a reminder of how much fun it is.

He grabs me by the shoulders and rushes me to the door. "Didn't you say that you have to be somewhere? Well, I don't want to be the reason you're late."

Then he pushes me into the hall and slams it behind me. What a gentleman. He's almost as polite as a male member of the Saotome family.

Okay, now I have to go to Hermione's room. Which one was that again? It was two something…

After creeping down the stairs, I kind of have to because I'm staying on the third floor that didn't exist in the game, I find myself on the second floor. I'm pretty sure that it was an even number. She's here with her school, I think. So if I knock on the wrong one, then I can just just ask for directions to Hermione. It's foolproof!

"Hello?" I call softly as I knock on door 208. "Are you ready for me?"

The door opens and a very tired redhead glares at me rather angrily. It's kind of dark, so I can't see her eyes, but I can feel the hatred exuding from them. Please tell me that I didn't tick her off before "coming" to Gaia. Did that sentence just make any sense at all?

"What the fuck are you talking about?" she growls. "Why the fuck would I be ready for you? Unless you think we're going to fuck."

"Uh…" I stutter, completely caught off guard by her, um, vocabulary. "I must have the wrong room. Do you know…"

"Fuck you! You think that I'm going to fuck you , and when I don't you ask me for another girl's room! I'm going to kick your ass you fucking mother fucker!"

"Really. I'm sorry."

People start to open their doors to see just what is going on. What the get is an earful of this girl, whoever the heck she is, threatening to do things to me that even Steiner would balk at.

"All of you fucking men are the same! If you can't fuck one girl, then you're just going to fuck another. How about I castrate you? Would that satisfy your appetite for sex?" she screams before launching into the longest string of curses I've ever heard, and I've listened to Richard Pryor.

After crazy yelling lady slams the door in my face with one more death threat, the other patrons of the inn stare at me before closing their doors. I'm sorry, but I must say that I haven't heard the F-word used that many times in the same sentence since I saw Snakes on a Plane with idiot brother and our idiot cousin, who is basically my idiot brother only with blonde hair and easier access to alcohol. Have I mentioned that it's just so much fun being white trash? There are just so many things that you can do on Earth that you can't on Gaia. Then again, Gaia has its share of fun. If you want to call random attacks by crazed wildlife, mutated vegetables, and fashion-challenged assassins fun, that is.

Someone whispers something and it catches my attention. I'm amazed I can hear anything, what with the screaming my poor ears had to endure. Even the MCoDs cowered a little in fear.

I looked around and see a girl a couple years my junior poking her head out into the hallway. She has brown hair pulled back into pigtails. Someone should have told her that pigtails dies out with Little House on the Prairie. I point at myself, and she nods.

"Are you the guy from the alley?"

"Yes?" Please let her be talking about my run-in with Hermione. The last thing I need is for someone to think that I'm the hooker they bought.

"Good. Hermione's waiting for you," she says before ducking back into the room. Phew! Possible sex scandal averted. Not even Bill Clinton is this good.

My heart is racing as I trudge down the hall, alternately from anticipation and dread. I might finally get some answers. Then again, they might not be answers that I want to hear. It could be that I'm part of some government project to send teenagers into a virtual reality program to see if they can be trained to salivate at the sound of a bell. Wait, that doesn't sound right. Virtual reality is so 90's. This is probably something more like "simulated reality." That sounds more twenty-first century.

The room is the same set up as the one that Zidane, Vivi, and I share. However, instead of three beds, there are only two.

"Sit down," Hermione orders as soon as I catch sight of her. Bossy much?

Hermione and Lilka, don't ask me why I didn't recognize her in the hall, are sitting together on one of the beds, so I sit opposite them on the empty one. I feel really overdressed for this. If you'll remember, I'm still in the suit. Plus, it's a little damp from that downpour Michael and I danced in.

A long moment of silence passes before anyone speaks up, and then it's Lilka. "I thought you guys were going to talk about switching worlds and stuff. It's boring just sitting here."

"Um, I take it she knows," I comment stupidly. What can I say? Hermione knows more about this than I do, and she is the one that invited me here.

Before Hermione has the opportunity to confirm or deny my observation, Lilka answer my question. "Of course I do. We're best friends, after all."

Hermione the know-it-all is friends with this girl who was always portrayed as less than intelligent? Meh, she was friends with Ron in the books, so I guess it makes sense.

"When you equipped this," Hermione pulls out her necklace and fingers the yellow stone set in the middle, "did you get images of people in other worlds?" How did she know that the term for putting Materia into weapons and/or bangles (and, it seems, necklaces) is known as equipping. She always seemed more the bookish type than an RPG fan.

I close my eyes and remember the three people I had seen. "Yeah. Why, did you?"

She nods. "There were these two girls at Hogwarts who were in some incredibly bizarre Muggle garb, and then some other weirdos in worlds that I have never seen before."

"Come on, get to the good stuff!" Lilka squeals. "Tell him your theory!"

My right eyebrow shoots up into the heavens. So, she brought me here to share her ideas as to how we got here. Wonderful. Now all I need is to know how to get back home. She probably doesn't know that, though. What with her still being here and all.

The girl attempts to brush her frizzy brown hair out of her face, but fails miserably. All she really needs is a good conditioner and that problem is gone. Of course the nerd wouldn't get that. She had to go and buy some weird potion to get her hair straight for the ball in Goblet of Fire. Man, to see her in that dress must've been a sight. Still, I wonder when the love triangle will be resolved. Is she going to choose Harry or Ron? I'm going to have to ask her about that while I have the chance.

She clears her throat, recapturing my attention, and then takes a deep breath. "Well, I've been here on Gaia for a few months, so I've had the opportunity to look into this phenomenon. Travelling between planes of existence is fairly common, what with astral projection and all. However, I believe that we're on the same level of space, just in another section of the universe, another dimension, so to speak."

"No. Really?" I mutter sarcastically under my breath. She must have heard me, because she shoots a dirty look in my direction before continuing. It's hard to tell if she's actually talking to me, or if she's just talking to hear her own voice.

"It's an incredibly rare thing to experience, if the one book about it I found at the academy is correct. When it happens, people don't actually disappear from their world and reappear in another. They actually exist in innumerable realities. Physically, that is. It is their consciousness, the more religious among us might refer to it as the 'soul,' that is transferred. Usually, people are completely unaware of the various realities around them…"

"What does this have to do with me?" I ask, finding myself growing bored already. What does this have to do with me getting sucked into a videogame?

A frustrated sigh escapes her. "You and I have most likely travelled into another reality, leaving behind our bodies and inhabiting these ones!"

"So I'm dead?"

"No," Hermione smacks her forehead. What is she talking about? I could be back in my room right now, listening to Zidane brag about how he got to second base with Alma, but I just had to come talk to Hermione. This definitely wasn't a waste of my time. "You're alive, but you've just travelled to another world. Your body is back in your home world, doing whatever it is you normally do. The you that is here is the you that was there, but it's not the you that was here before you got here. Got it?"

"Um, could I buy a vowel?" I joke. Okay, this is all over my head. It seems Lilka doesn't entirely get it either, because she went from being loud and perky to nodding off on Hermione's shoulder.

"Forget it. Why did I think I could get someone else, even someone who is experiencing this, to understand?" she mutters before standing up. "You can go now. I need to get some sleep. The Festival of the Hunt is tomorrow, after all."

Come on! She has me come over here, and then gets mad when I don't get her science mumbo jumbo. Or is it magic? Either way, she hasn't said a thing about cute I look in this outfit. Some people… It seems that manners isn't something that teach at Hogwarts, or the Seilje region. Wherever it is she's from.

"Fine. Whatever. There are things more important than going home. I actually happen to like being here. I've made friends, bought cute clothes, and even…"

Wait, how is any of this her business? No wonder nobody liked her in the books. Not the people reading the books, but the actual characters. Meh, you know what I mean. Besides, where the heck is her accent? She's supposed to be British, unless her coming to Gaia screwed that up and gave her the same accent as everyone else. I definitely know that there haven't been any language barriers for me to deal with so far. Except for Steiner. How one man can have so many different ways to say one word, as well as multiple descriptions of my bloody death, yet refer to me as a ragamuffin beyond me.

"See you around," I mutter as I stand up and leave. Lilka gives a feeble wave, accompanied with a yawn. Hermione just glares at me.

After closing the door behind me, I try to think of just what I can do. It would be kind of pathetic to return to my room after being gone for only five minutes. Besides, Zidane probably thinks that I'm still upset with him or whatever. Vivi is off with his friends. There's no way I could get into the castle to see Dagger, and I have no idea where Alma lives. That leaves either bugging Michael or experiencing the unknown Lindblum nightlife. Seeing as how I still don't even know exactly what Michael and I are, I suppose I could take a walk.

There's nobody around when I reach the lobby. A quick glance out the window shows that it's really thick with Mist outside, just it was last night. I didn't think to bring Michael's coat with me. It's sitting upstairs with my satchel. At least it's safe, if you call being with Zidane safe. "World famous," a.k.a. virtually unknown, thief watching over it: that doesn't seem like the best idea. He wouldn't steal from me, though. We've made up. I think.

It's silent out, a contrast to the celebration that was going on just hours ago. Where is everyone?

My footsteps click eerily on the cobblestones. The wind is also bitingly cold, so I pull the jacket for my suit tight around myself. When I was wandering through town with Dagger and Alma today, I noticed that most of the businesses closed at ten. Where can I go to kill some time? Hmm, there's that pub that Zidane went to in the game, but that's in the Industrial District. What if the aircabs aren't running?

A chilly aura surrounds me as I walk to the aircab. For some reason, I'm actually afraid. It could be that I'm actually alone for the first time since coming here. I've always been with someone. The only time I wasn't was when I took off earlier tonight, but there were all kinds of people around. Last night, I was with Michael on my way to the inn. There's nobody with me now. Nope, definitely alone. Just me, nobody else. Nobody at all…

I'm out of breath when I reach the aircab station, despite the fact that it's practically across the street. Running tends to do that. stupid me, scaring the crap out of myself. Like some Freddy-esque serial killer is actually going to bother me. The girl who's about to get some is supposed to be the one to die, followed by her "dancing" partner. Get it? Get the innuendo? "Dancing" really means… oh, forget it. I'm sure you already know.

There's a light on inside, so I pull open the door. Some raggedy looking people, including the old pickle lady, are asleep in the chairs. Most likely homeless. Then again, this is the Middle Ages. A lot of people are poor. It's a wonder we're even able to stay in the inn, since I'm not paying with that big wad of cash that I got from the mysterious woman in the white dress that I've never seen or met.

"We're you headed kid? Most people aren't out this late," the guy behind the booth asks with a yawn. "Only the dodgy ones are. You aren't one of them thieves, are you?"

"No," I answer as honestly as I can. The only thing I ever stole in my life was some chrome fingernail polish, unless you count the books that I got from the inn in Dali. That isn't stealing to me, though. That's karma for the innkeeper being an evil kidnapping jerk. "I'm just a tourist. Do you know if the Doom Pub is open?"

He looks me over before giving me one of those "you've got to be kidding me" looks.

"Kid, that place is always open. Don't know why you'd want to go there, though. You seem like the type that enjoys being alive."

"Just send me to the Industrial District," I say huffily. Huh, that's an actual word?

"Your funeral," he retorts while pushing the button to make the door on the aircab open. I step inside and feel around in my pockets to see if I have any money in them. Before the ball, I stuck some in just in case I had to tip the waiters or something. Luckily, a couple hundred Gil are produced. Yay! Now I can actually get something to eat. If there's anything there worth eating, that is.

The door closes with a "woosh" and I sit in a seat as it begins to move. Why don't they make people pay to use this thing? The government would make a mint if it did that. People in Lindblum are so used to riding the aircabs that they'd just shell out the money rather than walk or ride chocobos around town. At least, that's what I'm guessing when comparing it to my own experiences. Americans whine and complain about gas prices, but rather than bike or walk the four blocks down the street to the grocery store, they feel the need to hop right in the car and continue to live in the vicious world of ever rising gas prices. Thank you, Al Gore. You deserve the Nobel Prize.

What's the big deal with the Doom Pub, anyway? Zidane invited me to go with him when we first got here, and he wouldn't take me somewhere dangerous. Wait a minute. Of course, he would. This is Zidane we're talking about. The man has no clue when it comes to me and my safety. He forced me to go up against Rude, remember?

I stand up after the aircab comes to a stop. Nobody steps on when I get off, and the attendant behind the glass gives me a look when I step off. Hmm, is it because I'm out so late, or is it the fact that I'm walking around unarmed, and wearing nothing more than my slightly damp and slightly wrinkled outfit from the dance? Even now, I bet I look amazing. Michael is one lucky man.

"Could you tell me how to get to the Doom Pub?" I ask. She, as it's a woman, gives me the same look that I received from the guy back in the Business District. Luckily, she gives me directions instead of a warning.

With a "thank you," I wave and step back into the foggy, Mist-filled (aren't those the same thing?) streets of Lindblum. The cold feeling is much worse this time around. What is going on? I ran around Alexandria and Evil Forest at night, and last night Michael and I ran around. Wait, haven't I mentioned that already? Anyway, during that time, I never felt the sense of danger that I do now. Not even in Evil Forest. Then again, thoughts of killing Zidane over poo might have been a bit of a distraction.

"Well, well. Look at what we have here," a cool voice laughs cruelly. Goosebumps begin crawling up my spine. This is so not good. Not good at all. In fact, this is probably bad. Ultraviolet bad. Seriously, was there any plot to that movie? So what if Milla Jovovich runs around killing people and gets a nude shot? That happened in The Fifth Element, Resident Evil, and Resident Evil Apocalypse, too. At least the first two had some semblance of plot and character depth. The second movie featuring Alice was so bad that I couldn't believe the Mary-Sue aspects of Alice and Jill. Bleh. At least Eric Mabius had the brains to turn it down. Now he's doing Ugly Betty, the best new show by the way. Poor NBC, losing its entire Thursday audience to the aforementioned show and Grey's Anatomy. I do like Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin's new show, though.

Oh, right. I think I'm being mugged.

"What exactly do you have?" I snort in an attempt to hide my fear. Something tells me that it isn't working very well.

"Elena, do you want to do the honours?"

Elena? That crazy psycho is here? That means that Rude and Reno are probably here, too. Crap. How did the Turks even get into Lindblum without being discovered? Surely, Lara alerted the guards that they might be coming. Unless they slipped in during the whole "a group of idiots have crashed an airship into the castle" craziness.

"Don't I know you?" the blonde asks as she steps into view. Indeed, her two cohorts are here too. Rude and Reno follow her into my line of view. Still no sight of Tseng. Hopefully, he won't show up.

"Nope. I'm just a local on his way to the pub," I say with an attempt at a whistle as I stroll past her. Unfortunately, I don't know how to whistle, so I just blow air through puckered lips.

She grabs my collar and throws me to the ground. Stones dig into my forearm, and I sure that my suit must have ripped, but I don't say anything. Fear tends to do that.

"I do know you," she leers, kneeling next to me. "You're that punk, the one who stole my shoes. I would like them back. My mommy made them for me."

"Huh?" why doesn't she recognize me? Oh, right, the bald thing. Then why are they ganging up on me? "Excuse me, but I never took your shoes."

"Sure you did. Didn't he, boys?" she asks Rude and Reno. Rude nods casually, as though he doesn't care, but Reno gives her the thumbs up. "See. Now give me my shoes."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I argue. She responds by punching me. The pain, it's just as I remembered: unbearable with a touch of agonizing. Kind of like Whoopi Goldberg. Sure, she's funny every now and then, but do we have to listen to all the crap between the jokes?

Reno holds me down while Elena pulls my shoes off. Of course, I struggle valiantly, but they somehow manage to overpower me.

After they take off, I stand up and look down at my socked feet. This is depressing. They took my shoes! I would have preferred if they'd just realized who I was and beat me up. Geez, the Turks are now petty thieves, too. Are there no villains for a young man to idolize anymore? A man needs more than Sephiroth and Kefka. That's right, I know Kefka. Just because I don't own the game doesn't mean that I haven't played it. There's something known as going to a friend's house. Or, in my case, going with my brother to his friend's house and watching them play videogames while my brother's friend's little brother, who just happens to be my age, makes fun of my ability to throw a ball. Ha! I'd like to see how he'd deal with a situation like this. He'd probably be all "Hey, give me a sword so that I can kill things. Woo hoo! Look at me, I'm a Gary Stu. I rule. Hey, who wants to go get drunk and check out women?"

Actually, that kind of sounds like someone else I know: someone with a tail. Maybe I should reconsider this analogy…

"Jerks," I mutter as I wipe the tears from my eyes. Those shoes went so well with this outfit, with did get ruined. There's a hole about the size of the tip of a needle on the left wrist. What? A man is supposed to be able to notice these things.

You know, I'm going to let this get me down. I'm going to the pub anyway.

The Doom Pub is actually very lively. I hear it before I actually see it. It's all lit up, and I can see the silhouettes of rather large men in the windows. Inside, it's how one would expect a pub to look. Dingy, wooden floors and tables made of warped wood abound. A pretty young woman seats me at the bar and leans over to take my order, her breasts practically falling into my lap.

"What I do for you tonight?" she asks in a husky voice.

"Um, what's in the Berserk Stew?" I ask while trying to scoot as far away from her as possible without falling onto the floor.

"Just water, Dead Peppers, and selects portions of chopped vegetables. It's not very popular, though. Most guys here like to have little something that they can actually sink their teeth into."

I assure her that I'm fine with the stew, and she walks away to fill some random drunkard's mug with her bottom lip sticking out.

"Nobody's ever turned down Xu before, ya know," the guy sitting next to me says. I look over and a mountains of tanned muscles. Of course, I know who it is. Who says 'ya know' anymore? "Name's Raijin, and this here is Fujin."

Leaning forward, I look past Seifer's flunky to see the pale, silver-haired woman with the eye patch. She casually looks me over, then returns to her meal. Rude, much?

"I'm Rick." He offers his hand and I shake it.

"We're in town for the Festival, of course. I'm the one competing, though. She never does that kind of stuff, ya know." Fujin kicks the back of his leg, but doesn't say anything. Her friend, or whatever the heck Raijin is to her, cries out and grabs his calf before focusing his attention back on me. "You here for the festival? You don't seem much the fighting type, ya know."

"Yeah, I know. I'm not," I say with a smile as Xu drops off my Stew, spilling about half of it onto the bar. Well, I know someone who's not getting a tip. "Say, you know her name, but you said you're only here for the Festival. How is that possible?"

Raijin's eyes light up while Fujin shakes her head and covers half of her face with her left hand. Her right is still around the handle of her drink. "Well, me, Fujin, and Xu all grew up together here in Lindblum. Me and Fujin just weren't into the whole settling down thing, ya know. So we're adventurers. We do take on some mercenary work every now and then, though. Mostly it's just killing monsters, but every now and then there's a request to capture an escaped criminal or something. It's actually pretty exciting, ya know."

"Cool." I slurp down some of the Stew. It's not too bad. Better than getting mugged by Elena, anyway.

"So, what do you do?" Raijin inquires. Good question. What do I do, exactly?

There's a few seconds of silence between Raijin's question and my answer. He doesn't seem to notice, though. Fujin just doesn't care. "Um, me? I'm a, um, adventurer, too. I work for Tantalus, this travelling troupe of actors. Nobody wants to see me act, so I just help make sure that the costumes and stuff are taken care of."

"I've heard of Tantalus," Raijin nods. "Someone told me that they're behind the kidnapping of Princess Garnet in Alexandria, ya know. Do you know anything about that?"

"Don't look at me," I answer nervously. "I'm just a hired hand who got left off the trip to Alexandria because my mother died."

"That's sad, ya know." Raijin pulls me into a big hug. He actually bought it. This guy really is as stupid as they say. If he and Steiner ever got together for a talk, it would consist of nothing more than the two men saying "Princess" and "ya know" to each other.

On the other hand, Fujin is staring at me all squinty-eyed. Having one eye must make that hard.

"Well, I guess I better be going," I say when Raijin lets go of me.

"Aren't you going to finish your stew?" Raijin asks, looking at the half-empty bowl of something or other than I ate one spoonful of.

While standing up, I fake a yawn. "Nah, I just stopped by to grab a bite to eat on my way home. I have to get up early and hunt for a job again. I haven't seen hide nor hair of the Tantalus guys."

"See you around," Raijin says with a wave. I wave back and walk out the door. There's enough money at my place for the food. Aside from the fact that she's a rude waitress, the idea of Xu being a flirt scares me. Why couldn't she have been a bossy soldier for Alexandria? That seems so much more appropriate.

I run all the way to the aircab station, afraid of running into someone who wants to steal something else from me. Stupid Elena and her stupid big feet.

When I get back to the inn, run-in free, I walk straight to my room. Screw Hermione. I wasted enough time trying to figure out what was going on without her rude behind confusing me even more. She said that she was here competing in the Festival, so I hope a Trick Sparrow pecks her eyes out or something.

Zidane is already asleep, so I just shed the outer layer of my outfit, fold it and set it on Vivi's bed, and climb under my own covers. Hopefully, Michael is still waiting to ravage me. After the crappiness that I just had to go through, I need some happy time.


	13. Chapter 13

"Ow! That hurts. Are you sure you know what you're doing?" I scream. Pain is bad. That is why I am not into S&M.

"Well, if you'd just relax, then it wouldn't hurt," Zidane scolds as his hands roughly knead my shoulders.

When I woke up this morning, my neck hurt. It wasn't anything major. There was just a little stiffness. Either it's a delayed thing from the mugging, or I just slept on it wrong. Having to look up at Raijin whenever I spoke to him might have contributed to it, though.

Zidane offered a massage, which I accepted. He sat on the bed, and I got onto the floor between his legs. It sounds more perverted than it actually is, you perverts. The man cannot give a massage to save his life, though. It's like he's stabbing me with little pins every time he touches me. And I don't mean the "foot falling asleep needle sensation", either.

"Stop!" I cry when I've finally had enough. My neck doesn't feel any better. Actually, it feels worse. Where did he learn to give a massage? Hurting people school? Please tell me that I did not actually express that thought.

"Geez, Princess," he sighs before standing up. He offers me a hand, and then pulls me to my feet. "It's not my fault you're so tense. What's up with you, anyway? You've been weirder than usual lately: running off in the middle of the night to meet up with people. How stupid can you get? That's when all of the thieves are out."

"You would know," I mutter as I look down at my feet. My socks are all dirty and torn from the walk home. The pub probably didn't help things, either. Stupid Elena and her stupid shoe stealing fetish. Isn't it enough that she beat me up in Ice Cavern? Sure, she may not have recognized me, but that didn't give her the right to take my shoes away. I don't want to go back to the boots. They're bulky, smelly, and uncomfortable. Who cares if they survived the trek to Lindblum? They clash with absolutely everything I have! Okay, so I only have two outfits. That's what shopping is for.

"So, my reputation precedes me." A big grin crosses his face. Ego alert! Can someone please stab him for me? I would do it, but there is the fact that his daggers are sitting on the nightstand, which is about a foot away from where he's sitting. Dying really isn't on my to-do list today. Zidane, however, is still really enamoured with himself. "Then again, I am the famous Zidane Tribal. That's why the ladies love me."

Really? I thought the "ladies" loved him because he lied about how great he is. That's how K-Fed got Britney. Until she left him for Paris Hilton, that is. Ooh! Lesbian inference.

"Honey, what are you doing today?" I ask to change the subject. Do we really need to discuss Zidane's virtues? There aren't that many of them, after all.

He stretches with a yawn and looks out the window at the rising sun. "Well, there is the Hunt this afternoon. That's pretty much it until they crown me the winner."

Is that confidence or the raging ego again? Probably the latter.

After rolling my eyes, I grab my satchel and run into the bathroom to look myself over. The baldness catches me off guard at first. However, I'm getting used to it. My teeth are starting to yellow from the lack of brushing, but they feel clean.

"Are you really doing it?" I ask as I poke at each tooth with my tongue to check their sturdiness.

"Doing what?"

"The Hunt, of course," I ask as I pull my shirt off. My body is covered with bruises from the whole Rude/airship crash fiasco. How I'm able to move without feeling pain is beyond me. Maybe the Rick of this world is a little tougher than the Rick of Earth. That would explain a lot. For example, how I managed to stay calm during the mugging last night when back home I probably would have screamed bloody murder and curled into a ball. "What would I be talking about?"

"How should I know?" he retorts. I hear something come into contact with the bathroom door and assume that he's leaning against it. "With you, it could be anything. I'm telling you now, though, that I will never go out with another Noble. It's all commoners for me."

After I finish changing and stuff my old outfit into the bag, I open the door without warning and Zidane crashes to the floor. Hah! About time someone besides me did that.

"What's wrong with Alma?" I ask as I lean over him. "She seemed pretty cool when I hung out with her yesterday."

"She's fine, I guess," he answers as I help him to his feet. "The girl is just kind of stuck on herself."

"Sounds like you," I chuckle. "Are you sure you're not soulmates?"

Zidane gives me a look but doesn't say anything. That has to be a first.

We finish with our morning stuff and head out to pick up Vivi. Apparently, Zidane told the mother of our little buddy's friends that there was something we needed the black mage for. Gee, what could that be? Methinks the Festival of the Hunt.

"Hey, Princess, have you been around Lindblum, yet?" Zidane asks out of the blue when we board the aircab.

This is going to be one of those stupid conversations. I can just tell. What does he think I was doing with Dagger and Alma yesterday when I was shopping? Definitely not going to some bargain basement clothing store that's for sure. There's only one or two good pieces of clothing in those places, and they're always bought by people who should not be wearing them.

"I have seen Lindblum, moron," I snap. It's way too early in the morning for this. "I went to Somebody and Rinoa's Boutique with the girls, amongst other places."

He then proceeds to laugh in my face. Such a polite young man, that Zidane. When I ask what's so funny, he informs me that I've only been to the "snobby, uptight, and rich version" of the city. Maybe I should tell him about my excursion to the Doom Pub last night.

"Geez, not even you painter boyfriend has shown you around? That's sad. Really sad, Princess. I'm going to have to show you the real Lindblum."

Did you notice the emphasis he placed on "painter?" I know I did. I'm not too happy about it either.

"You'll have to forgive me, Honey," I respond snidely. "Michael and I haven't had much time for sightseeing. You know, with all of the making out and groping…"

Zidane throws his hands up in what I hope is mock disgust. Like Michael and I have actually made out. There was the one kiss in the street. That's it. Oh, and the one walking back to the inn, and the one outside the inn. I can't forget the one before we said goodnight or the one after. Hmm, come to think of it, I think we may have made out. Cool.

"Gah! Please, I do not need to hear about your love life with that guy. There are plenty of bad images going through my head already concerning you two. I do not need anymore."

"Hey! You're always talking about your many, many women. Quit being such a hypocrite!" I counter with a finger to his chest.

Thiefy McRobbington knocks my hand away and rolls his eyes. "It is not the same thing. For starters, my romances are actually interesting. Like this one time, I was in Ascantha with the guys and we were staying one of those little inns run by older couples. Well, their granddaughter was helping them out for the winter, and she definitely wasn't frigid. After dinner our second night there, I went to my room and found her tightening the sheets on my bed. Let me just tell you that those sheets weren't the only tight…"

"Stop!" I cry as I put my hands over my ears. Nothing can make me sit through one of Zidane's stories about his conquests. Mostly because they're lies, but also because I have the feeling he'll end up getting really graphic.

The aircab jerks to a stop and we walk off to find ourselves outside the entrance to the castle. There aren't pleasant memories of this place for me. After all, the last time I was here people kept hitting me. That, and I had to talk to Cid. Even though I know it's a spell, I still want to squash him like, well, a bug. Of course, that would involve ruining my shoes… Oh, right, Elena stole them and I have to wear those hideous boots again. There's nothing wrong with the boots, of course, it's just that going from my shoes to these things is like going from a nice pair of Choos to Reeboks.

"Ready?" the monkey asks as he puts an arm around my shoulders in that oh-so-wonderful brotherly way that makes me want to hit him. I do not want to have to think about my idiot brother while I'm actually enjoying myself for once. Why couldn't I have woken up with amnesia like Terra?

"For what?" I ask suspiciously. He better not have signed me up for the Hunt. If he did, I swear that something will die at my hands, and it won't count for my score in the competition. "What did you do?"

His lips are sealed, though. Stupid Zidane. I want so badly to hit him.

"Rick!" Two voices cry in unison when I walk into the actual castle. Next thing I know, I'm receiving a hug from Dagger and Alma, as well as a look of intense jealousy from Zidane.

"What happened last night?" Dagger asks curiously. "You just took off in the middle of the ball. It was all anyone could talk about. Then Zidane came back and said something about Michael…"

"What did that hot hunk of man do?" the blonde girl asks as she elbows the princess aside to talk to me. "Did he show up and tell you that it was over? If he did, I can so totally send Cecil and Kain after him. They may not like it, but they have to do what I tell them. It's one of the perks of being nobility."

"That did not happen!" Dagger insists as she jostles back into my field of vision. "You were just depressed about being stood up, weren't you?"

Ah, gossiping teenagers. How I have missed this.

"Actually," I tease as I feel my lips forming into a smile. "I met up with Michael, and he kissed me."

"Open-mouthed or a peck on the cheek?" Alma is getting really into it. Am I being interrogated?

"Let's just say that I know what he had for breakfast yesterday," I hint as the two squeal. Alma declares her jealously and Dagger offers me her congratulations. Like she's getting off that easy. "Say, Dagger. I wasn't the only one engaging in the locking of the lips last night. What was up with the cute blond?"

Her eyes grow wider than I've ever seen eyes get. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you do." Alma nudges her friend in the side. "Go ahead, tell him all about Seifer. It's not like I wouldn't after you left."

"Thanks a lot," the brunette says sarcastically. She sighs and her shoulders droop along with her head. She mumbles something, but I can't hear her. Neither can Alma. The volatile blonde actually stomps on Dagger's foot and the princess cries out, more in shock than anything else. Soon the sound of clinking metal fills the air. My blood begins to run cold as I hear that two-syllable battle cry.

"PRINCESS!"

A hand grabs the back of my neck and I'm easily thrown to the side as Steiner grabs Dagger and looks her over for damage. She assures him that he's fine, and I suddenly find myself looking down the edge of a sword… again. This is getting really old.

"How dare you harm the princess!" he cries while jabbing me in the chest. Can I just say that the point of that thing really hurts? How would he like it if I poked him with something metallic and sharp? Somebody get me a sewing needle. I know an eye that needs poked out. "I should kill you now, you miscreant!"

There's the sound of rapping on metal, and Steiner and I both look to see Alma tapping Steiner's shoulder. "Excuse me, Mr. Psychotic Knight. I stepped on Garnet. Leave the man alone."

Steiner's face goes as white as a sheet. Hah! Stupid Steiner needs to learn that I am not the be all end all of evil in the world. In fact, I'm the only thing keeping this place from being a total snoozefest. This wouldn't be a very fun adventure if I just went along with the base plot, now would it? In fact, it would get pretty darn depressing after Dagger takes off during the banquet.

Hold on a minute. That's something I haven't decided. Who am I going to go with when the group splits up? Zidane is my buddy, but Dagger is my girl. Besides, something tells me that facing Beatrix twice and getting cornered in Cleyra by Alexandrian troops is slightly more dangerous than meeting up with Marcus and going to Treno. Wait. That's wrong, too. Marcus was the one caught in Evil Forest. So, who is going to join Dagger and Steiner? Why isn't this making any sense at all? Hermione said something about me being here while my original body is still back home doing what I would do. Does that have anything to do with what's going on? Have I inhabited an empty shell or switched bodies with the Rick from this world whose past I don't even know? All that on top of the constant change in side characters and main events. Yeah, something tells me that when all is said and done, this could be trouble.

"My… my apologies…" Steiner sounds about ready to spontaneously combust as he helps me up, stares at his hand as though he wishes it would fall off, and then clinks away to watch us from the shadows.

"That was weird," Alma states. Hmm, could anything be more obvious? Aside from Michael Jackson's plastic surgery, that is.

"Tell me about it. That is the nicest Steiner has ever been to me. I don't like it," I mutter as I brush the dust off my shirt.

For the first time, I actually look around the room to see who all is here. Zidane is standing by Vivi, whom I haven't spoken to in ages, and watching a set of stairs intently. Raijin and Fujin are here, too. In fact, there are a lot of people here with weapons. Big, sharp weapons. Is this the beginning of the Festival of the Hunt? If it is, where is Freya?

"Hey, Rick!" Zidane calls, waving me over as a man begins to descend down the stairs with a sheet of parchment in his hands. I nod at the girls and run over. Hey, if he signed me up, I don't want to give him a head start in escaping the MCoDs.

"Ahem," the man clears his throat. "The Festival of the Hunt is a tradition in Lindblum spanning several centuries…"

He goes on to describe the history of the event in full, and I feel my eyelids begin to droop from boredom. History class never really suited me. I lean on Zidane and yawn. He moves and I fall to the floor rather loudly. Oh, painfully, too. It hurts a lot. Why can't I stay off the floor? Oh, by the way, Mister Reading Guy hasn't skipped a beat.

Next he goes on about the rules, which is considerably shorter. When he finishes, he begins reading off the names of those who have signed up. When they hear their names called, they announce what they want as an award and are assigned to one of the three different Districts to begin. Freya's name is the first one called that I recognize, and the rat woman jumps down from a balcony with relative ease. She is wearing the red getup from the game and answers that wants a coral ring, instead of an Add-On. Then again, I suppose you wouldn't exactly use videogame terminology when it's real life. Anyway, she's assigned to the Industrial District.

Raijin is called next, and he declares that he wants a lot of Gil. A few names later is Fujin, who just shouts "CHOKER!" The man asks if she means a gold one, and the pale woman nods her affirmation. And this is weird because Raijin told me she wasn't competing. The woman must have changed her mind. I should probably get one synthesized while I'm in Lindblum. It would look awesome with my current outfit. Of course, I would dye it black to match, but that's beside the point.

"Tribal, Zidane," the man says as he looks around. The man of the minute perks up beside and says that he, like Raijin, also wants Gil.

"Give me a bunch of it, too! I need a lot of money to please the ladies," he grins before I slap him in the back of the head. I look over at Dagger and Alma before getting smacked myself. They were laughing, and now they're laughing even harder.

Little Vivi is next. His eyes get wide, and I back away as Zidane gets chewed out by Dagger, Alma, and especially Steiner. Then the thief kneels next to my cute little buddy and whispers something in his ear. Vivi then says the P-word and Steiner goes off. Right at that moment, a warm hand is placed on my shoulder. I turn around and see Lara Croft looking at me.

"Rick, would you please come with me?" she requests. I look at my friends for support, but they're all engrossed in the spectacle that the other three male members of the Fabulous Friends are causing.

"S-sure," I answer nervously. We're gone before Vivi answers, but I'm going to assume that the black mage chose a card. It wouldn't be a stretch.

The Prime Minister and I walk through the halls of the castle. Have I mentioned that place is much bigger than the game lets on?

After a few minutes of awkward silence, she looks down at me and sighs. "Rick, what do you know about Ascantha?"

That's the second time I've heard that place mentioned. Wasn't it a minor kingdom in Dragon Quest VIII? The one with the widower for a king, if I remember correctly. That's beside the point, though. What is important is why it's being mentioned in a game that shouldn't even know of its existence. Don't tell me that this place has imported places as well as people. That would mean I'm completely out of the FFIX that I know, love, and have yet to beat. Seriously, there's only one game that I've been able to beat without cheating, and that's Legend of Dragoon. Oh, please tell me that Dart, Rose, and the rest of those idiots won't be here. Well, I wouldn't mind Meru. She seems like a lot of fun, but I can definitely live without the rest.

"What?" I ask, forgetting the question that Lara just posed to me.

"Have you ever been to Ascantha?"

It would really help if I had some of the memories from the Rick here. "Umm… No, I don't think so. Why do you ask? Is it something important? Am I going there with Alma and Dagger to be an international fashion consultant for some sort of royalty?"

She seems to be caught a little off guard by that response, but retains her collected demeanour. "No, it's just that a friend of mine is a citizen there, and he thought he recognized you is all."

"Is that it?"

"Yes."

For some reason, I don't buy it. Call it my own manly version of women's intuition. "Are you sure?"

"I am, Rick."

"Really?"

Lara turns me around and gives me a little push back in the direction of the assembled warriors. Oh, joy. "Just go back to your friends, Rick."

"Are you sure?" I attempt one last time, but Lara just gives me a small shove. Fine. She must be going through menopause or something. Not that I'm going to blame everything on PMS and such, but come on. All I did was ask her if we were done. It's not like I was being excessive or anything like that.

Okay, so not only do I have the whole Brahne thing to worry about, now I have an unknown past to deal with. This friend of Lara's could very well have recognized me. I am a very distinctive looking person, what with my exceptional good looks and exquisite taste in clothing.

"Where is everyone?" I say when I reach the room only to see Steiner, Alma, and Dagger standing there. They must have been waiting for me. At least Cecil and Kain aren't anywhere around. They scare me even more than Steiner does. They're competent. "Did the Hunt start already?"

Dagger nods. "Everyone is getting to their designated district. We were going to go root for Zidane and Vivi. Do you want to come?"

I shake my head and explain that I'm not really into the whole hunting thing. This is something I probably should have explained to my friends earlier. In addition to be being a vegetarian, I was also a bit of an animal rights activist back home on Earth. The Hunt is against every principal I hold. Sure, I didn't say anything while monsters were slaughtered in Evil Forest or on the way to Dali. That was self-defence, though. This is just pointless butchery. There's no way I'm going to support this. Of course, I'm still not going to tell them that. The last thing I need is for them to think I'm just as crazy as Steiner.

Two of the three depart, Alma opting to stay behind and keep me company. I hope she doesn't ask me about Zidane. The last thing I want is to tell her that my monkey man is nothing more than gigolo. That's right, I said gigolo.

"So, earlier we were talking about Seifer, right?" Alma asks as she leans really close to my face.

"Yeah," I confirm.

"You were wondering what he was to Garnet, right?"

A nod answers the question as she gets even closer. I can literally see her pores, and someone is in desperate need of a facial. Clog City. It's a surprise she doesn't have acne. Maybe she's on the potion program like me. I haven't had a single zit since coming here, though that may have something to do with the diet and living conditions.

"Well, Seifer is her fiance." Alma backs away and watches to see just how I'll react.

Okay, this is definitely getting weird. Dagger never mentioned a thing about being engaged, and it was never something I had to deal with in the game. I actually wish Hermione were here. Then I could ask her what the heck was going on. Sure, it'd confuse the heck out of me, but at least there could be some words to associate with the phenomenon. Big words.

"You're kidding. She never even dropped a hint that she was off the market!" I exclaim. "Why wouldn't she tell me that she's engaged?"

Alma gives me a look that says she thinks I'm stupid. "I thought you were a knight in Alexandria. Why wouldn't you know that the princess was engaged to the second-in-command of the entire Alexandrian military force?"

Second-in-command? Seifer? Of course that egomaniac has power in this world. Why wouldn't he? Life just loves to screw me over like that. I really wish someone would tell me why there are so many people here that don't belong. Like me, for starters.

"Then again, she really doesn't want to marry him anymore."

You could've fooled me. "What was with the making out, then? It kind of seemed like she didn't mind his tongue being all over her tonsils."

"Tonsils?" Alma looks completely clueless, which brings to mind the fact the fact that these guys are probably clueless about anything medical, what with their lack of doctors and chronic use of magic to fix every problem. If only we could do that back on earth. Stupid crappy American healthcare system.

"Never mind," I respond as I shake my head. "Just tell me why Dagger wouldn't want to marry the guy that she was making out with."

A funny little look crosses Alma's face. "I don't want to marry the guy, either, but I'd still get it on with him. Wouldn't you? Then again, you have the hunky guy that works at that cute little store."

"You mean Michael? Yeah, he's great. I wouldn't cheat on him. Seifer isn't that cute, after all."

She then tells me how crazy I am. So what if he has that hot, bad boy thing going on? Blondes aren't my thing. Well, platinum blondes. Zidane is more of a dirty blonde.

Um… I mean Michael is a brunette. Blondes aren't my type.

We walk through the castle halls for about an hour, chatting about absolutely nothing. Just making plans to get together after the hunt for more shopping. She promises to show me a great place to buy jewellery. It has necklaces, bracelets, and all other manner of decorative trinkets. I do need to gussy myself up. Being pretty is hard work.

Alma glances out a window at the skyline before telling me that the hunt should be over. Being friends with nobility and royalty is a bit of an asset, because I get to ride the elevator to the third floor for the results. It seems to have passed with hardly any time at all. Then again, wasn't it only ten minutes long or so in the game? Haven't played the actual game in ages, remember?

Cid's chamber is rather empty, with only the top five warriors being invited for the results. Zidane is looking mighty confident, Vivi is worried, and Freya is… she's a rat who emotions I haven't learned to read yet. Surprisingly, Raijin and Fujin are here, too. They must be better than they were given credit for. Well, Fujin always was the one that kicked my butt in Balamb. When he sees me, the tall muscular member of the duo calls me over.

"Hey, it's you from last night! Get over here!" Raijin shouts. Alma looks him over before looking at me sceptically. I shrug innocently. Raijin and I are just acquaintances. It's not like I'm a dirty skank or a whore.

Fujin glances over but ignores me. Out of the corner of my eye I see Zidane raise an eyebrow and say something to Dagger, eliciting a laugh from the Princess. I can only guess what it was.

"I didn't know you were competing, ya know. How do you think you placed?" Raijin asks when I get over to him. After informing him that I, in fact, didn't participate, I tell him that I'm just there for my friends. "Are you with the rat? She seemed pretty tough. Took out that giant pig thing by herself. The monkey guy got knocked out, ya know."

Hmm, now I know Zidane didn't win. He always lost unless I beat Zagnohl. Of course, I wanted the Add-On more than the money or card, so I always let Freya win anyway. There was just some good stuff I couldn't help but steal from the porcine opponent.

Minister Lara appears with Cid on her shoulder. He doesn't say anything, but Raijin mentions that rumour has it the regent was put under a curse. No duh.

"In fifth place, with a score of 212, we have Vivi!" Lara announces. Next comes Raijin, and Zidane is in third. That leaves the ladies as the head of Hunt, something that the thief isn't too comfortable with.

"Fujin has it in the bag, ya know," Raijin whispers in my ear. "She's the brain of our little outfit."

Again, I have to say "duh."

"In first place with 302 points, just one more than our second place contestant, is Freya Crescent!" Everyone claps, even Fujin, as Freya steps forward to receive her prize. Lara drops a pinkish-peach ring in her hand along with a scrap of paper.

For some reason, I'm not surprised by the outcome.

"Now the top contestants and the royal guests are invited to a banquet in the winner's honour. Please follow me."

Everyone falls in line behind Lara, marching to the elevator and going back to the second floor. It's rather cramped. That was a short awards ceremony, too.

When we reach the floor with the food, Dagger puts her nose into the air and sniffs heavily. "Mm, that smells good."

She takes off running in the direction of the smell. Steiner attempts to follow her, but Lara stops him. "The first into the room is always the winner. Princess Garnet will be reprimanded for her break in decorum. Don't you worry."

We finally reach the door, where Dagger is waiting nervously. "Sorry, everybody. I got so excited because I smelled real food for the first time in ages. I didn't go inside, though."

"You knew the rules," Lara says, Cid still silent on her shoulder. "This isn't over. Now, Ms. Crescent, if you will."

Freya steps forward and swings open the door, revealing what is literally a banquet. There wasn't even this much food at my cousin's wedding, and they had about a hundred guests. Of course, most of them just went to the open bar. Again, it's so much fun being the diamond in the roughnecks.

As soon as Freya enters and sits at the head of the table, Dagger grabs Steiner by the wrist and drags his rusty butt to a very specific seat. Seeing as how there was a five-minute time lapse between when she took off from the group and we all caught up to her… She drugged the food. Okay, Rick, this is it. You don't have any more time to ride the fence. Are you going to Burmecia and Cleyra, or Treno and Alexandria? Will you be kidnapped or a rescuer? Both roads seem so hard.

Lara stands up, tapping the side of her wine glass as soon as everyone is seated. She gives a toast to Freya's greatness, which sounds rather rehearsed. Then she sits and we all hold our glasses up and say her name before taking a drink. Having been to the aforementioned wedding, I did sneak a sip of wine with the other preteens in the boys' bathroom. This isn't that. I think I was just given some sort of juice. It is a little strong, though. My head's kind of woozy.

One by one, the people at the table begin falling over. Whatever they were drugged with must have been pretty strong. We haven't even eaten anything yet. Unless the drug was in the drinks.

Steiner begins gagging as that same feeling from Dali begins sweeping over me. How weird. I thought that I was equipped with Restore Materia, but now it's acting like Heal Materia.

"Princess!" he gasps as he grabs at his throat. Everyone else is already out like lights. It's amazing that I'm still awake. Thank goodness for Materia. "I've been poisoned! Don't drink the wine!"

So, it was wine? Then what the heck did I drink at that wedding? Stupid, cheap rednecks.

"It's okay, Steiner. I didn't drug your drink or mine."

Upon hearing this, he gives up the ghost. I don't think they've noticed that I'm still awake yet. "Yes, erm, well then. What is your plan?"

"I want to go to Alexandria and try to talk some sense into Mother. Perhaps if I went home, there wouldn't be anymore travesties like South Gate."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't there supposed to be a dead Burmecian Soldier?

As if to answer my question, a bloody rat man barges into the room, using his sword for support. "Please… s-somebody t-t-take this l-let-letter."

Then he collapses and an envelope falls from his grasp. It lands at my feet, so I lean over and pick it up. Ignoring the incredibly gross blood on the envelope, not to mention the dead body, I open it and scan the contents. Yep, Burmecia is under attack.

"Rick!" Dagger shouts when she realizes that I'm still conscious. "I thought I had drugged you, too."

Great, how do I explain this? I doubt that the whole mysterious magic thing will work like it did in Dali. Especially, since I don't know how it happened. What kind of Materia do I have?

"Um, maybe you forgot one?" I ask as the princess grabs the note from my hand, her mortified eyes glued to the soldier. Someone tell me how he managed to get in here without anyone finding out. Wounded, bloody rats the size of people tend to be kind of conspicuous. Not to mention disgusting.

"Steiner, Mother has launched an attack on Burmecia. We must leave at once!" she cries.

"Take me with you," I insist as I stand up. "Perhaps I can do something."

Rusty grabs his sword from the hilt and starts waving it around, words of treason and insurgency rolling off his tongue. Dagger puts a hand on his arm and looks at me with misty.

"I'm sorry, Rick. There's nothing that you can do. Half the kingdom saw your actions at the play, and I'm sure that the soldiers and knights have been given orders to kill you on sight. I would be better off with just Steiner in attendance."

Ouch. That hurts. "If you don't take me with you, I'll follow you. I'm not going to stay here and let these guys think that I was involved your little scheme somehow."

"I'm sorry to hear that Rick," she says as she releases the nutty knight. Uh oh. "Steiner, don't kill him. Just get him out of our way."

He begins chasing me, and I start running around the table and throwing my chair into his path. Rusty chops through it like butter as he chases me down. Screams reminiscent of Janet Leigh bounce off the walls as they escape my mouth. All I need now is that weird violin music to complete the picture.

Dagger steps directly into my path, knocking me over. I look up into her sorrowful face as the flat side of Steiner's sword hits me on the head.

"Ow!" I cry as I rub it before looking up at Dagger. She seems surprised that I'm still awake after that blow. I don't know why. Getting beat up by Elena, Rude, Reno, and who knows what else seems to have made my pain tolerance a little higher. "Are you crazy?"

She just looks at the bewildered knight behind me. "Do it until he's out."

This is going to be a fun headache to wake up to.


	14. Chapter 14

My head hurts. Many things have hurt since I woke up in the Alexandrian Castle, but never this bad. Dull throbbing pains tear through my very being. Have I mentioned that my head hurts?

I open my eyes and find myself stretched out on a cobblestone street. People, some a little more animal-esque than others, walk by me as though a seventeen-year-old boy in a gorgeous black outfit, that's about as tight as possible, lying face down in said street is an everyday occurrence. Boy, the people of whatever town this is sure are friendly. I'm probably in Treno. Stupid nobles. Question is, how did I get in Treno? Better yet… How did I get out of the castle? Steiner and Dagger probably threw me into a bag full of pickles and carted me across the countryside just to prevent anyone from finding out what happened. How would they get away with that, though?

"Um, are you okay?" a girl who looks about as out of place as I feel asks. "You're the first drunk I've ever seen in Lindblum."

The urge to defend myself against the charges of drunkenness arises, but I could be just a little tipsy from the wine. Yeah, I kind of drunk the whole glass during the toast.

"Do I look drunk?" I ask as I climb to my knees. There is no help from this girl whatsoever. She looks kind of familiar. I mean seeing a celebrity from the 80's doing a cameo on a TV show familiar. There's really no idea in my head as to who she is. Really, though, I just feel like I should know her. Like she's someone important.

"Actually, you look kind of fancy. Where did you get that outfit? Queer Eye for the Gay Guy?"

Huh? In all of my time in Gaia, neither of those words has been associated with me. This girl is now on my nerves. She's completely overlooked all of my manly qualities and is now concentrating on my fabulous attire. As if my clothes are really that important. Everyone knows that it's just material to me.

Hold on a moment. She said that we were in Lindblum? There goes the whole Treno idea. Come to think of it, this doesn't even look like Lindblum. The buildings are all in the right places… but something is off. It's like going from Hi-Def to Low-Res. If that makes any sense to the technologically impaired out there.

Something is definitely wrong. For some reason, I'm not where I should be. Don't tell me where that is, though. Earth would be my first guess. Hermione kind of shot that down, though.

"Your arm is glowing," the girl says as she points at my bangle. I look down at the metallic band to see the yellow Materia is indeed glowing. It's reacting to something. What is it reacting to? What is going on?

"Who are you?" I ask as my headache begins to worsen. I grab at my skull and fall onto my backside as she just stares at me.

"Are you okay?" she asks despite it being VERY obvious that I am NOT okay.

"Who…" I ask again.

"I'm Cami. Who the heck are you?" I hear a faraway voice say as black fills my vision.

The next thing I feel is someone pouring water over my head. After the choking subsides, I wipe the moisture from my face with my damp sleeve as someone hoists me to my feet. That whole scene with the girl is still rolling behind my eyelids, so you can imagine my surprise when I open my eyes to see Lara Croft staring at me.

"Gah!" I choke on a little of the water that had gone into my mouth, spitting it onto the floor behind me. When I find out who did this to me… I don't even know if this shirt is safe to get wet. It could be dry clean only! Good luck finding a good dry cleaner in the Middle Ages. Stupid Gaia not having proper dry cleaners.

A few more people, Raijin, Fujin, and Zidane, gather behind Lara's shoulders to peer at me. Feeling like a fish in an aquarium is not fun. That was not a water joke. I swear.

"Nice to see you awake," Lara says as she brushes some water off my head. I wince a little when her hand runs over a very tender part of my skull. Something tells me that there is a large knot on the top of my head from where Steiner hit me. This is why people have hair. Now I have to buy a hat to cover the injury. Stupid head-shaving ninja stylists.

"Hey, Princess." Zidane looks down at me as soon as Lara steps away. "Do you know what happened? We all just kind of woke up on the floor, and Dagger and Rusty were gone. When you didn't wake up, we figured you might've been knocked out. Guess that was one right guess, huh?"

Discussing Zidane's idiotic theories on why my state of unconsciousness varied from his is not a conversation I want to have. Especially after that weird… dream? The pain seemed so real, though. You're not supposed to feel pain in dreams. I'm going to have to ask Hermione about this if I ever see her again.

"What makes you think I was knocked out? The wound on by head?" I ask sarcastically. I look around for a mirror to see just how bad the damage is. This is not my day. Bald, tired, wet, aching: Lindblum has not been kind to me. I almost wish Brahne would go ahead and blow the place up. Or suck it up: I don't remember which city she used which Eidolon on.

"There's no need to get rude." Zidane smacks me on my head, and it hurts so bad I wail. Then I pick up a piece of bread that had fallen on the floor. He acts shocked when the baked good hits him on the forehead. Stupid Zidane.

"I'll get rude if I want. First Steiner knocks me out and then you patronize me. Worst of all, my clothes are wet!"

Freya mutters something under her breath. I think it was to do with my priorities being screwed up. Whatever. All I know is that my head is throbbing. Rick needs a potion.

"Have you seen my satchel?" I ask as I look around for the bag. Everyone either shakes their head or shrugs. Well, except for Fujin. The scary woman just stares at me with her one eye. She doesn't even blink. Scary.

"Princess…" The thief starts nervously, looking me over. It's almost like he's trying to gauge how I'm going to react to whatever it is he's going to tell me. "Um, I don't know how to say this, but I think Dagger may have…"

"What? Drugged us and taken off?" I laugh bitterly while kneeling down and lifting the tablecloth. Nope. Not there. Where is that thing?

"Do you think it could be possible she that, erm, stole it?" he asks.

Please. There is no way Dagger would do that. We're friends. Besides, she was with me when I got it at Eve's… Which means she was there to see the money and the magical storing capabilities that it had! That little floozy took my money!

"I'm going to kill her!" I scream. Mashed something or other goes flying as I picked up a random dish and fling it at the wall in anger. Nobody steals from me and gets away with it. "That tramp is going to pay!"

CRASH! Fried Zagnohl covers a chandelier.

"I'm sure she'll bring your purse back," Zidane offers before ducking as I throw at plate at him with a cry of "Satchel!" Yeah, I'm ticked. My incredibly hot suit was in that thing. First the shoes, and now this: why don't I have luck with nice things?

"Should we restrain him?" Freya asks while I let loose a string of expletives that would make even the most seasoned of Gaians blush. Oh, and I shatter a window. The citizens of Lindblum had better watch out for raining food and glass.

"Nah, he'll calm down," the other tailed member of the group assures his old friend. "The Princess doesn't really have a fighting spirit."

"When I find her, I'm going to rip out every last strand of that fake ass red hair!" I shriek as some sort of pudding smacks Zidane in the face.

He rubs the food from his eyes before nodding. I grab a chuck of some roasted monster and prepare to launch it when someone pulls me into a bear hug from behind. Whoever it is tells me to cool down. It isn't hard to figure out it is Raijin. The huge muscles and crushing strength are kind of a clue. Oh, and the "ya know" at the end of his sentence. I still cannot believe that he really talks like that.

Vivi finally speaks up, showing everyone a piece of paper that he had found. After thanking him, Lara takes it and reads it aloud. It's the note that dead Lindblum soldier dropped. Come to think of it, where is the body? Steiner must have hidden it somewhere. We all know Dagger doesn't have the brute strength to lift a cadaver.

"So Burmecia is under attack," Freya says, voice laced with concern. "I must leave right away. I'm afraid I won't be able to do the parade tomorrow, Minister."

They have a parade, too? The game really got it wrong.

"I understand," Lara says as she examines a red stain in the carpet. It's blood, Lady. I didn't throw any ketchup during my rampage. At least, I don't think I did. "However, you should probably stay here in the castle for the night. Whatever it was that Princess Garnet used on us is probably still in our systems."

"Rick, why did you have to be knocked unconscious?" Raijin asks, not letting up at all on his grip despite my squirming, occasional death threats, and foaming mouth. "There has to have been some reason you didn't go out with the rest of us, ya know."

Hadn't I planned an answer for if they asked me about this? Crap. My mind is blank. Where's a good lie when you need one?

"I'm going to saw off her arms and beat her with them!" I scream as a cover. Everyone just sighs.

Alma approaches and places a hand on my shoulder. "Rick, this is important. I know the pain of losing a purse, but our friend could be running headfirst into a war. Did you learn anything before you were attacked?"

"It's a satchel," I pout as I give up struggling. Why does everyone keep calling it a purse?

She gives me little smile and repeats her question. "Did you hear them plan anything?"

I wish she were being a stupid blonde right now. That Alma was a fun one. This is more like the one from Tactics. She's being all calm, rational, and kind. Now my shenanigans look like something a child would do. Stupid guilt tricks.

"All I heard was Dagger say something about Burmecia. Then it was lights out," I answer to the floor.

I don't know why I lied. Maybe I really don't want to catch up to her. Maybe I'm feeling guilty because everything's been about me since coming to Gaia. The idea of everyone being nothing more than videogame characters lingered in the back of my head; so I never really considered their feelings. Hermione did a wonderfully confusing job of discouraging that train of thought. These really are real people that I'm running around with. Zidane, Dagger, Alma, Lara, Raijin, all of them are flesh and blood. Unless I've done some weird "dot hack" type of thing. Being the next Tsukasa is not really that appealing of an idea to me.

"So she's in Burmecia. At least now we know where to go," Zidane says as he slams a fist into the palm of his hand. He looks at Freya. "Would you mind if I come with you?"

"Just don't get in my way."

Someone explain to me why, after I've calmed down, the bear hug is still squeezing the life from me? "Could I get down, please?"

My eye catches Fujin's. Still scary, by the way. She walks over to Raijin and gives him a swift kick in the shin. I'm dropped rather roughly as the large man guffaws in pain. Couldn't she have waited for him to actually let me go?

"This is going to be fun," I mutter sarcastically as I brush the dust from my derriere. "Doesn't it always rain in Burmecia? I'm going to need an umbrella. At least frizzy hair isn't a problem anymore."

Freya gives me a look that shows she clearly hadn't intended on me coming along. "Why would we bring you? You can't even fight."

True. Though I can scratch, bite, and pull hair with the best of them. Just ask Elena. Then have her give me my shoes back. "There is more to surviving a battle than just fighting."

"That's right," Zidane boasts as he rubs my head. Ow. "The Princess here is a pretty good decoy."

Thanks a lot, you stupid monkey. Now stand still while I play Fujin to your Raijin.

"Ow! Why'd you kick me?"

"If you don't know, Honey, then I can't tell you."

He huffs and informs me that I'm annoying. I respond my warning him that there are more dishes on the table that I could throw at him. Custards, casseroles, tarts, anything can be used as a weapon.

"I have to go anyway. I'm broke because of that stupid skank. When you guys leave, I won't be able to pay for any more nights at the inn."

Alma then offers me a room at her family's mansion. "There's plenty of space. Right now, it's just Father, Ramza, and myself. Oh, and the servants. My other brothers-Zalbag and Dycedarg-are off doing military exercises. It's for in case Alexandria decides to invade Lindblum."

Sorry to disappoint you, but not much can stand up to an Eidolon. Unless you count pretty boys with silver hair. It's going to be hard to take down Kuja. He's the only person in the game with any fashion sense (except for Beatrix, of course). Until he goes in his Trance, but that's beside the point. What I mean is, I can't take down a brother of the cloth. By cloth, I of course mean clothing. That joke sucked. Ugh. Stupid brain damage.

"There is also a place here in the castle for you," Lara invites. Should I stay with the nobility my age, or be pampered with the royalty? Both are so tempting.

"No thanks. I wouldn't want to sponge off of you, and that's what I would feel like I was doing."

Vivi then offers up a suggestion, the first I've heard him speak since he found that note. "You could, um, stay with your friend Michael."

Wonderful idea. Great thinking. Hey, Michael, we've only known each other for three days, but can I move in? No. That relationship needs some time to build. We need to get to know each other better before getting really involved. "That won't work, Cutie."

"Yeah," Zidane agrees with a completely different tone of voice from my own. "You're bad enough as it is, Princess. I really don't want that moron rubbing off on you."

"Oh, we're already doing more than rubbing, Honey," I tease. There are gasps from Lara and Alma, the former who covers Vivi's ears with her hands. Raijin laughs heartily, Fujin doesn't react, and Freya just stares at me in disbelief. Zidane rolls his eyes.

"Listen to me, Princess. You're too good for him. Give it up and find someone, anyone else."

This is getting old. Thank goodness Michael doesn't give me a hard time for hanging out with Zidane. "What is your problem? Is he your ex or something? If that's it, I'll back off."

A small smile crosses Zidane's lips as he prepares a comeback, but Fujin interrupts. All heads turn to the usually silent girl as she points from me to Raijin and herself. "US!"

"I suppose we could take the kid with us, ya know." Raijin laughs nervously and scratches the back of his head. "Fujin and I have been looking for someone to help us out anyway."

"Am I a fruitcake to be passed from person to person like it's the holiday season?" I ask indignantly. Really, this is getting ridiculous.

"Actually…"

I hold up a hand before he can finish his thought. "Shut up, Honey. What I meant was that I'm a person, an adult, and as such it should be my decision. I'm going to Burmecia and that's that."

"Really? We could use an extra hand, ya know. Walking from Lindblum to Ascantha isn't fun."

"Something tells me that walking outside of the castle walls in general isn't fun," I retort. Zidane stiffens a little as I grab his arm, but he doesn't jerk away as I pull him close. "I'm going to Burmecia with this dingbat and the others."

"Dingbat?" Zidane sounds insulted, but in a confused way. "What's a dingbat?"

Right, no Archie Bunker here. There's no way a Gaian would get an All in the family reference. Heck, most kids my age wouldn't get one. All they know about it is that Sally Struthers is the fat chick from the save the kid thing.

"A dingbat is an idiot, moron, or all around stupid person. Thus, Zidane is a dingbat," I explain before getting smacked on the head again. That's it, we're moving into desserts.

He barely dodges a cake before Raijin holds me again. This guy is getting a little grabby. Someone needs to inform him of the consequences of sexual harassment.

The back of my boot meets his shin, the one Fujin already kicked, and he lets me go.

"Seeing as how all I have is the clothes on my back, I'm going to go say goodbye to Michael before getting some sleep. See you guys back at the room," I tell Zidane and Vivi. A few farewells and one whispered request from Alma concerning Michael's underwear later, I am walking out of the dining hall with the remnants of a headache. Steiner is not going to like me the next time we meet. Well, not that he likes me now.

There is relatively little talk of Dagger's disappearance amongst the castle staff when I pass by. It must not be public knowledge yet. However, they have no problems discussing my grievous wound. Getting whacked in the head must have improved my hearing, because I'm actually hearing their whispers. Unless they're not even bothering to whisper. People in Lindblum sure are rude.

Someone calls for me to wait. I turn around and see Alma running and waving her hands. "Rick! Wait a moment!"

I stop and start tapping a foot on the floor impatiently. Of all the people to come after me, it has to be her. It's just wonderful to know that my time with Zidane meant nothing. Oh, and I guess I should include Vivi, too. Stupid Zidane.

"Rick," she heaves with a breathy growl when she reaches me, "Minister Croft asked me to tell you not to mention this to anyone. Not even that cutie Michael."

"Whatever." My irritation at my friends is kind of strong right now. Dagger has Steiner attack me, Zidane keeps insulting my relationship with Michael, and Vivi… Well, we're just not as close as we were when this whole thing began. It's almost like neither one of us knows how to act around the other.

Alma grabs my hand when I start to walk off. "Don't be like that. So what if they don't want you chasing after You-Know-Who with them? You don't have to take it out on me."

You-Know-Who? Since when is this Harry Potter? Then again, if Hermione is here…

"Sorry," I mutter before trying to pry her fingers off my wrist. It's hard to do, since they're like a vice. Someone get this woman off me!

"Don't alienate your friends over this, Rick. We're just concerned about you. Freya was right. What good would you or I be in a battlefield? Dagger told me that you were a knight, but that was during peacetime. You probably don't have the training for that kind of stuff."

What is she going on about? Alma was in the final fight of Tactics. She wasn't exactly a lightweight, either. That white magic of hers really came in handy. Then again, as has been proven time and again, the people here aren't exactly as I knew them. Although Raijin and Fujin seem to be pretty in character as the lovable oaf and raging, erm, well, let's just say that Fujin is Fujin.

"Rick, are you listening to me?" she asks when I don't offer a reply.

All I do is sigh. That's all I can do. It's one thing to wake up in a videogame. It's another thing entirely to insert yourself into everything and screw up the relationships that should have developed. Just look at Vivi. I know I've used him as an example before, but shouldn't he have started to come out of his shell just a little by now? He was such a loud little guy until we got to Dali, and I doubt he's said two words since then. That just isn't right. Dagger and Zidane aren't acting like they should, either. She wasn't cooped up in the castle (remember the shopping?), so he never had to break into the castle to see her. Instead, he and I just picked at each other over Michael.

The artist wasn't even that big of an issue in the game! All he was good for was getting an autograph and the moogle suit, until you need one of those potion things to turn Cid into a frog. Now, he's my boyfriend, or something like that. I still don't even know why he and Zidane don't like each other. All I've gotten is something about Michael being a bad painter. I'm sort of dating the guy, so I know that, but I don't see why it's such a big deal. Unless Michael wasn't exaggerating about the whole people in the Theatre District being stuck up. Then again, if that were true, the Tantalus guys wouldn't have accepted me so readily.

Oy, this is confusing.

"Tell you what," I say to Alma when I finally leave my thoughts. "Why don't you come to Michael's with me? We're probably just going to hang out. It won't hurt for my best gal pal to meet my man."

Alma covers her mouth as she giggles. "Gal pal?"

"What? It's not like you're lucky enough to get this," I tease with a pose. Man, I miss laughing and goofing off. I did that with Zidane and Dagger, but now we're fighting. Well, Zidane and I are kind of on the outs. Dagger is definitely on my list of least liked people right now, right below Elena. Sure, she may have knocked me out and stolen all of my money and clothes, but at least she remembered what I looked like. Do you know how insulting it is to be mugged by someone who doesn't even remember beating you up?

With everything patched up with Alma, we leave the castle. I make a crack about her security team when we reach the aircab station. She laughs and tells me that we really don't need Cecil and Kain. Apparently her dad heard that I am, or was, a knight and decided that being in my presence was protection enough for his precious daughter. How stupid is he?

There's really not much of a reason to worry, anyway. Everyone is off getting drunk over Freya's victory. Some because they had bet on her winning (can anyone say horse race?), but mostly because they were competitors that had lost to her. The Doom Pub must be getting a lot of business tonight.

"How long have you known Dagger?" I ask Alma as we sit on a seat in the aircab. There are only two other people riding it, a rather wealthy looking older couple that keep giving Alma and me disapproving glances. She just rolls her eyes and sticks her tongue out at them in a not noble fashion. The old walrus lady gives an offended gasp before whispering something in her husband's ear. Did I not mention that they were of the large aquatic mammal variety?

Alma asks me what my question was. It seems she was distracted by annoying our fellow aircab patrons. When I repeat it, she laughs and answers that they're practically sisters. "Garnet and I saw each other all the time when her father was still alive. It's just been here in the last few years that we've fallen out of touch. You can only keep up for so long through the Mognet, and that's been on the fritz lately, too."

Then she asks me why I call her Dagger instead of Garnet or, gag me, Princess.

"I've only known her for two years, so it's not close enough of a relationship for me to call her Garnet," I lie. How am I supposed to know what I called her before possessing this world's Rick? "When we left Alexandria, everyone except Steiner agreed that she needed a pseudonym. You know, a new identity so that people wouldn't know who she was. She actually chose the name."

We then start on a conversation about how stupid the name is. I tend to fall on the harsher side of things. Yeah, there is almost definitely some lingering resentment.

We step out into a setting sun. The old couple remains onboard. It's almost like they think they're too good to get off with us. If only they knew Alma's social stature. That would fix them for sure!

Michael's house is nearby, right across the street, but I get a feeling of danger. This is exactly how I felt last night when Elena stole my shoes. Well, that bleach blonde had better not come after my boots. I wouldn't wish these things on my worst enemy. The mud, scuff marks, and general nastiness of them definitely aren't attractive.

"Rick?" Alma latches onto me as though I'm actually going to do something. She does sound scared though. "Did you hear that?"

I don't get the chance to respond, because then I hear exactly what she did. There's a low growl behind us. Turning around, I see that the aircab is already chugging away and there's a Fang approaching with it's, erm, fangs bared. As far as I know, the Hunt is over. Why are there still monsters in the town?

"The elimination squad must have missed it," Alma whispers in my ear. No duh. This is going to end well. We're both unarmed and neither one of us can fight a lick. Well, maybe Alma can. I don't know yet. "Your training had better pay off. My brothers never would teach me how to fight. It's not lady-like."

So much for that idea.

"Listen very carefully," I say quietly as the monster continues to advance. "When I say run, you had better run."

"Why?"

Maybe it would be doing the world a favour to let the thing devour us. Alma, anyway. In the amount of time it takes for the Fang to kill her, I could easily run to Michael's.

Just as I'm about to give her the command, a chakram slices through the wolf. A woman jumps down from the roof of the aircab station and catches it on the rebound. Wow, Xena's in this world, too! How awesome is that?

"FOOLS!"

Wonderful. It's just Fujin. Wait a minute. We left the castle before she did, and she wasn't on the aircab. So how in the name of all things fashionable did the scary, one-eyed woman get here? Don't tell me that Final Fantasy side characters get superpowers like flight or super speed. The Turks are bad enough as it is. All Gaia needs is for Elena to become super strong and Reno to develop X-Ray vision. There won't be a brazier thick enough to keep a woman's dignity safe. We could always put him in front of Brahne, though. Not even Jerry Springer could find someone for that.

However, just as quickly as she arrives, Fujin is gone.

"I feel sorry for that Raijin guy," Alma says as we watch the aircab station's door close behind our saviour.

"Somehow, I think he likes it," I add. Raijin always did seem the masochistic type to me.

Anyway, we cautiously cross the street. It's an event-free trip.

I knock on Michael's door and it opens slowly. He's standing there, covered in paint, with a white apron covering a bare chest. Did my tongue just hit the ground? If the gravely taste in my mouth is any indication, then yes. Even smeared with various hues of blue, green, and pink, the man is sexy. Did I mention he's not wearing a shirt? The things I would do to him if my tongue weren't on the ground…

Sorry about that. Anyway, yeah, my sexy painter is still sexy and still painting. Alma is in the same boat as me, though. She's a few seconds away from turning into a wolf herself and jumping him.

"Rick! It's great to see you. Who's your friend?" he asks in that voice that makes all the right things tingle. He is so sexy.

"This is Alma Beoulve. Alma, this is Michael…" Whoa, I don't even know his last name. That just goes to show how well we know each other.

Michael smiles, putting a hand on my shoulder and leaning forward to shake Alma's. "Novotny. Michael Novotny."

Novotny? As in the comic obsessed hottie from Queer as Folk? I am making out with him? Oh, this is better than I ever expected. Why didn't I recognize him? Oh, right, I've only ever seen three episodes of the show. Stupid premium cable channels only offering one free weekend a year.

Alma starts giggling like a teenage girl. He then looks at me and a grossed out look comes across his face. What? Did he not want to see me after all? I thought that, what with the tongue and all, that he wouldn't mind a visit.

"There's, um, something on your shirt," he says. He reaches a finger down and swipes it across my chest. It takes every I have to keep my knees from buckling. When he holds it up, I see a red smear on it.

Blood. It just had to be blood. The first time I see my incredibly hot boyfriend-type guy after the ball, I'm covered in blood from the Fang that Fujin just killed. Life hates me.

"Sorry, there was a Fang, and this girl I know, she kind of killed it…" I try to find a good way to phrase it, but there really isn't one. Michael doesn't know that I'm a complete wuss, yet. Ah, it's probably better to get it out in the open now. Secrets have a way of ruining your life. That, and cellulite.

"Get in here. I'll try to find a clean shirt for you to wear."

He ushers us into his studio/apartment. Wow, I'd forgotten how cluttered it is. More and more failed works of "art" are thrown across the floor, and the sofa is littered with countless balls of crumpled up paper. Alma tries hard not to be revolted. It's quite a bit easier for me, though. Raised in a redneck family, remember? Their version of dirty is the beer can in the baby's crib being half-full instead of empty. Please don't make me spell out for you what the solution is.

"Sorry about the mess," he apologizes to Alma. She attempts to assure him that it's not a problem, but I can tell it is. Little Miss Nobility has to slum it with us. I would tell her to do what I do, but for some reason I really don't want her to concentrate solely on my Michael.

He fumbles around in a pile of shirts thrown into a corner, smelling them all before tossing one to me.

"That's the closest I've got to clean. Sorry, but they've kind of closed off the community wash for the Festival."

"Don't worry about it," I say happily as I turn my back to them, remove my ruined black shirt, and slip Michael's on. The thing is a deep blue with periwinkle squiggly lines on the sleeves and collar. Best of all, it smells like him. Michael has a wonderful, musky, sexy smell. Oh, I'm never taking this shirt off. "I kind of like it."

He's tells me that it's great to hear. Then he grabs a shirt from the pile, a hideous orange one, and slings it over his shoulder. Then again, orange is just a hideous colour in general. That was my main problem with Dagger until the whole Steiner attacking me thing.

"Do you guys want something to drink?" he asks as he takes off the apron. Oh. My. God. The body that he has! Those tight shirts do nothing at all to justify him. The flat stomach, those muscles… Somebody grab me a napkin. I think I'm drooling. Darn it! Alma is, too. He is MY man, bitch!

Blissfully unaware of us voyeurs (Alma should really stop that. He is mine, after all.), Michael walks over to his stove and picks up a tea kettle. We both decline rather quickly. I really wish he would put that shirt on already. Looking at him and knowing I can't do anything is driving me crazy. On second thought, maybe I should get rid of Alma so that I can do something. Do something all night long, even.

Wow, Michael really brings out the Zidane in me. By Zidane, I, of course, mean pervert.

Taking pity on my poor soul, he finally slips that hideous shirt on and comes back to the sofas to sit between us. He gives Alma a small smile that turns her into a puddle before slapping hand on my knee and turning to look at me.

"So, what brings you out here? Showing your friend here around town?"

Even his naivete is sexy!

"Actually," I say as I push several very pleasant thoughts out of my head, "this is rather serious. Tomorrow morning, I'm leaving. I can't tell you where I'm going or why, but something tells me that you'll learn before too long."

Crap. That sounded so stupid. How cliched can I get?

"What are you talking about?" Michael scratches his head and looks at Alma. "Do you know what's going on?"

She nods and opens her mouth, but lean across Michael and put a hand over it. Oh, Michael smells even better in person than he does on fabric. Somebody turn the hose on NOW!

"Michael, I'm going to Burmecia with Zidane and some friends," I confess. Screw what Lara said. She's never been with someone like my hot and sexy painter. I can't lie to him. "There's been an attack, and they think Alexandria is behind it. My friend Dagger, we think she went to Burmecia. I want to make sure she's okay."

Okay, so a little white lie won't hurt. The important thing is that he knows what Alma knows. Besides, I can't tell him that the only reason I'm going is to get my satchel back. Seriously, if Dagger had knocked me out and left it, I would've said screw it and just stayed with Alma. As it stands, there need to be retribution.

"Rick! Minister Croft said we weren't supposed to tell anyone!" Alma shouts after biting my hand to get free from my gag.

Nursing my wound, I glare at her. There was no reason to bite me. "I didn't tell anyone, as far as Minister Croft is concerned, got it?" I hiss.

"Whatever," she retorts rather flippantly. "You don't have to bite my head off."

Oh, no she didn't!

"I'm sorry, Michael," I say as I stand up. Using my good hand, I grab Alma's wrist and storm up the stairs to the front door. I fling it open and push her out before he catches up. One foot makes it out the door before his hand finds it way into my own. That one gesture makes me look back at him.

"You're really leaving tomorrow?" he asks. I nod and he squeezes my hand. "Why you just stay here tonight? I'm sure your friend will get home just fine. You don't mind, do you, Alma?"

She shakes her head and jerks out of my grip. I apologize and lean back against Michael. He wraps his arms around my stomach and puts his head on my shoulder.

"Sorry about that whole thing just now," I apologize again. "Please don't tell anyone what I told Michael. And if you run into Zidane, just tell him that I'll meet him at the castle at dawn."

A mischievous grin crosses Alma's face as she assures me that there are no hard feelings. I know what she's thinking, because I'm thinking it too. Zidane is definitely rubbing off on me.

We, being Michael and I, watch Alma until she enters the aircab station. Then he turns around and goes into his place, dragging me by the hand. As soon as I'm inside, he slams the door behind us.


	15. Chapter 15

My head hurts. Wow, that sounds horribly familiar. Actually, it's more my neck than my head, per se. Michael's couch is just as uncomfortable as I dreamed. However, waking up in his arms more than makes up for it.

Despite what you (or I) may have wanted to happen last night, there was no hot man sex where I was bent over the sofa in various positions. In fact, we didn't even make it past first base. Not that we didn't have fun getting there. There is more to our relationship than making out. After the heavy lip action, we stayed up all night talking about different things, really getting to know each other. For example, I'll bet you didn't know that Michael was afraid of Mus until he turned ten. Not that I blame him. Heck, those things still scare the crap out of me. Evil purple squirrel things.

Trying to work the kinks out of my neck, I shift my position and find myself face-to-face with a sleeping Michael. A beam of moonlight falls on his face. It illuminates him like no other light ever could. He's simply beyond that veil of sexiness that he's always had. Believe it or not, as corny as it sounds, I'm falling for him. I am falling for a videogame character that was somehow or another imported from a cable TV show. On top of that, I've only known him for three or four days. Can someone please remind me that this isn't a romantic comedy?

He moans a little and opens his eyes. He blinks quite a bit at first and buries his face into the joint of my neck and shoulder at first because of the light. His breath on my collarbone tickles.

"Good morning," I whisper as I run my hand through his hair. His lips smile against my skin as he swings a leg over my hip and pulls me closer, something I thought impossible without the use of a condom. Can I be speechless for a few moments?

"…"

"…"

"…"

Okay, enough of that. Let me just say that this is definitely something I never experienced back on Earth. Gaia, I love you again.

After making me realize that my skin is more sensitive than I had believed prior, Michael kisses his way up to my mouth. Lips press against my collarbone, neck, and jaw on their travels. It is way too early in the morning for foreplay that can't go anywhere.

"Stop," I say teasingly as I push away from him as a joke. Ow. Why did I overestimate the width of the couch? Michael was already pressed against the back of the sofa, and I was teetering on the edge, so guess what happened. This whole falling on my head thing is really getting old. Especially when I'm half hanging off a sofa in the process, making my back not feel good at all.

"Crap!" Michael shouts as he sits up, his legs releasing their grip on the lower half of my body. Wonderful, now I'm lying on his floor with my butt hanging in the air. That has to be a wonderful thing for him thing to see. I'm not being egotistical. "Are you okay, Rick?"

I mutter something about luck never being on my side. To be honest, I'm too embarrassed to even think about what to say. Sitting up, I pull a piece of paper off my head. Absentmindedly, I look at the ultra thin piece of tree and see a smudge spot of blue paint.

"Please tell me I didn't…" I beg Michael as I feel my head, and then look at my hand to find blue on it. Wonderful. There isn't even time to wash it off because I have to be at the castle at dawn. Really, just wonderful. "Why wasn't it dry? Isn't paint supposed to dry?"

He smiles at my whining, but, for once, it doesn't alleviate my annoyance. "Sorry about that, it's oil-based."

Oil? As in the stuff that makes cars go vroom? That is so not good for my complexion. This is just great. I have no clothes, no money, and now I'm going to get acne. Gaia sucks again. It really, truly, sucks big. I'm talking sucking on a level equal with the Seinfeld series finale. Speaking of TV, how long has it been since I've even seen a television? My brain is actually having to make thoughts now. Poor brain.

"Do you know what time it is?" I ask to change the subject as I look around for my shirt. No, Rick is fully clothed. Remember being told that there was no sex? Yeah, and if you'll remember, he said something last night about there being blood on my shirt, thus lending me one of his. Poor Michael. Aside from wearing tight black t-shirts and the surprisingly delectable piece of blue that I'm sporting at the moment, his tastes in clothes are comparable to his painting skills. Have I mentioned that his craptastic painting from the other day has been replaced by another work of absolute, for lack of a better word, crap?

He looks at a clock on the wall that I don't remember ever seeing. Then again, I tend to not see much when I'm around Michael. He has that crazy, magnetic sexiness that seems to have no effect on anyone but Alma, Dagger, and me. Seriously, I've walked through the streets of Lindblum with this man and not had to fight off a single crazed man or woman wanting to jump his bones. Stupid Gaians with their ignorance of pure sexiness.

"It's about six thirty. The sun usually rises around seven this time of year," he says as he leans forward and slaps me on the butt. The urge to bend over and have him spank me is very strong now. Resist, Rick. You do have willpower. Remember your Sophomore year? The anorexia thing? It took everything short of an intervention to get you to eat. Use some of that willpower when it comes to Michael. Think of it as a sex diet. (Can it be a diet if you've never actually had it? Oh, the fun of being a virgin.)

Of course, when I realize what he said, I start freaking out. That leaves me half an hour to get to the castle. For starters, I have to search this place for my boots. Fine, so I did take something off. Sue me. I am not going to sleep with those things on. Clothes in Gaia aren't exactly made for comfort when half the time you have to worry about being attacked by animals with roid rage, and I'm not talking about haemorrhoids. Is that spelled correctly? Stupid lack of good teaching in public schools.

Sometimes I wish I'd just bought a Dreamcast instead of a Playstation. Crazy Taxi would be so much more fun than this. Who doesn't love hitting a police car head on, flipping fifty feet in the air, and crashing into a restaurant just to make sure you get your full fare?

What am I talking about? Dreamcast sucked way more than any other console: even the Gamecube. At least Nintendo gave you the best version of Soul Calibre II (Yay! Link!), and don't forget Tales of Symphonia. Ooh, maybe I'll get to meet Sheena or Yuan! She is my favourite of any summoner from any game. (Although Rydia runs a close second. Yuna just annoyed me. Tidus should've gone after Rikku instead. She seemed like more fun, anyway. Unless you count the airheaded Rikku from X-2, but I try not to.) Yuan is just another world of sexiness. If anyone could make him forget about Martel, it would definitely be me. Plus, he dresses really well, too.

Focus, Rick. You need to find your boots.

"Looking for these?" Michael asks as he holds up my sought after footwear. I grab them and attempt to pull them on, but slip on some of my artist's drawings. Twice I've fallen today, and I haven't been awake for ten minutes. TWICE! Why does gravity hate me?

"Thanks." I kiss him on the cheek after I get the boots on. There's no time to lace them. I'll just do that on the aircab. "See you when I come back."

He doesn't need to know that I probably won't come back until after Lindblum has been all destroyed. Not that I'm going to tell him that Lindblum will be destroyed. It's kind of awkward to explain how you know about things before they happen. That's why I haven't said anything. Otherwise, they'd all know that they were just made by people in Japan who are way more creative than I ever could be. Although their choice in clothing for their characters tend to suck. Thinking it over, the only good outfits I've seen in the Final Fantasy series are Squall's lovely leather (aside from the fact that cows had to die for it to happen), Quistis's peach getup (although I feel it should've not shown her belly button. That lady is not a common skank, thank you very much), and Balthier's clothes. Mm, Balthier. Now there is a reason to play FFXII.

Aren't I supposed to be leaving?

Just as I prepare to dash off, Michael grabs me by the wrist and pulls me in for a much deeper kiss. Well, I can tell you this much: that dream I had the other day was way off. He does not taste like cough drops. Think dark chocolate covered garlic bread and you've got it.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asks when we finally break apart. Um, doesn't he know that I have to meet my friends at the castle? Really, I could have sworn that it had been mentioned at some point since my arrival last night. "Don't you even dare think that I'm going to have you run off into a war zone without at least having a proper send off."

"Huh?" Rick is confused. He thought there wasn't going to be any sex. I mean, I really don't want to lose my virginity to a quickie before I leave for who knows how long.

Michael just laughs and kisses me again before taking me by the hand and leading me up the stairs. Unlike me, Michael has no problem sleeping in his shoes. "I'm going to be there to see you go. It's the least I can do for my boyfriend."

Boyfriend? So it's official?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Okay, now that that's out of the way, we can move on to more serious matters. How do I tell Zidane? Oh, and everyone else, too. Alma is just going to die. Will I have to wear a promise ring? If I do, then I'd probably have to take off Zidane's ring, which I do not want to do. It's kept me alive thus far. Plus, it's pretty. Michael would have to buy me something twice as expensive and three times more gorgeous before I'd even consider removing this Madain ring.

When we reach the aircab station, I let Michael deal with the person behind the counter while I futilely attempt to fix my appearance in a nearby window. Not much can be done. The paint is probably going to stay there until I can properly wash it off. Also, I'm still wearing Michael's shirt, which is big on me. I look like a little kid. Rick, just be glad it has short sleeves or you'd have ended up looking like Michael's son. Wouldn't that be something?

My stomach rumbles because I haven't eaten anything in ages. There wasn't time to grab anything at the banquet, what with everyone passing out and then my subsequent temper tantrum. It never occurred to me to get something at Michael's, either. Maybe I can convince Freya to wait so I can grab a quick bite before leaving? Or not. She scares me almost as much as Fujin. At least she didn't stalk me last night. Unlike Fujin. Stupid stalker lady.

"Don't you have to work?" I ask as we sit down. There isn't anyone else in the aircab. It's too early for the working people to be up, and it's too late for the drunks to be stumbling home.

"Geez, trying to get rid of me when you're the one leaving. You really know how to make a guy feel loved," he says as he puts his arm around my shoulder. I half expect him to pull me into noogies like Zidane would do, but when he doesn't I breathe a sigh of re…

Hold it a minute. Love? When did I mention anything about love? Sure, I said that I was starting to fall for him, but that doesn't count. The keyword is starting, buddy boy. I've only been here on Gaia for about a week. That's too soon for the L word to be tossed around, and I'm not talking about lesbian. Oh, please let me be taking this out of context. Please, please, please. Let me have it wrong. Dating is one thing, but love? Yeah, I'm definitely too young to be getting serious enough to say that. Aside from my love of Oprah, but that's more worship than wanting to spend my life with her.

Why did he have to say love?

"Are you okay?" Michael asks. As much as I want to say no and pour out my questions at his feet, I just nod and offer an insincere smile. I am definitely not okay. Maybe getting away from Michael for awhile is a good thing. That way, our relationship can be evaluated from a distance and I can see if I feel as strongly as I think he does. Then again, I could have totally misinterpreted the love thing. Someone get me an aspirin.

The aircab pulls to a stop and Michael and I disembark to a bunch of stuffy old men in line to get on. The castle still has its loading and unloading station like the game shows, it's just that the line to board is so incredibly long. You'd think that Andy Griffith was doing a reunion of the Matlock cast or something.

"Took you long enough," Zidane grumbles when Michael and I reach the place where we first met Minister Croft. It's amazing how so much has changed since that day. Half our original party is gone, Zidane and I are still on the outs, and Freya is giving me one of those looks that says she is unhappy about me coming along. Wonderful. Sure, my life on Earth was boring, but at least there wasn't so much drama. Unless you count the whole teenager vs. parents thing, but nobody ever does.

"What? I got here on time, Honey," I say while noticing that his eyes are locked onto my left hand, which is resting in Michael's right. The urge to jerk free rises from somewhere unknown, but I don't. Aren't I the one that went after the artist? Didn't I flirt with him and tell him to meet me at the ball? What right do I have to freak out when things start to get serious? I have to blame this on the Y chromosome. You never, ever hear of a woman doubting a relationship. Nope, never. Well, except for the girls on Sex and the City. Not that I watch that trash show. I prefer Girlfriends.

"Barely," he snorts as he turns his back to me and attempts to engage Fujin in chitchat. It doesn't work.

Yes, Raijin and Fujin are here, too. Don't bother asking me why. Things tend to not work out in the Rick-infused Gaia like they did on the game. How long can I complain about that one particular part of my new life?

You know, there are more reasons for me to stay in Lindblum than there are to go to Burmecia. I have friends. (Well, a friend.:Alma. It's kind of a shock that she's not here to see me off.) It's true that I would probably be safer here, too. Well, until I get sucked by Atomos or blown by Odin. Um, that didn't come out right.

"Rick!" Raijin calls out when he sees me. The mass of muscles makes his way over to me, almost stepping on poor Vivi in the process. Poor little guy. He really needs to start talking soon. Anyway, when Raijin reaches us, Michael and me, he has a big grin plastered on his face. "Who's this? Your boyfriend? You two really look good together, ya know. All in love and stuff."

I have never been more mortified. There's that word again. Why can't I get away from it?

"Yep, he's all mine," Michael says as he lifts my hand and kisses the back of it.

Loveliness. Michael and Raijin are getting to know each other through me. Next thing you know, I'll be getting dumped while Michael and Raijin run off to paint bad paintings and whatever it is that Raijin says he does. Why does that almost sound relieving?

"That's a nice ring. Did you get it for him?" Raijin asks as he notices the band on my finger. Someone please shoot me. Put a gun to my head and pull the trigger repeatedly. Oh, right, no guns in FFIX. A cannon will do.

Michael shakes his head before holding my hand up to the light and examining it. Up until now, Zidane has tried very hard not to look at me ever since chastising me for not being here as early as him. His attention has been caught, because he turns around to watch my humiliation. Stupid Raijin. Why do you have to be so nosey and stupid?

"I've never really noticed it before. Where did you get it, Rick?" he asks. I answer him under my breath. "Sorry, love, I didn't get that."

There it is again! Would people please stop using that word? I'm going to tear my hair out if they don't sto… Oh, right, I'm already bald. This whole L-word thing is getting me so stressed that I'm even starting to lose my memory.

"It's Zidane's," I mutter before jerking my hand free. Things are so out of whack. All I could talk about was Michael for days, and now that I have him saying that he loves me (well, kind of saying it…), there's a rift between us that only I can see. Hooray for Rick. He's managed to screw up his life in another world. If I ever get home, then the Rick that was here before me is going to come back to a very screwed up life. Then again, I could go home to find out that I'm dating Carmen Electra.

Speaking of that, didn't Hermione say that the Rick in my world is acting just like I would if I were still there? Does that mean I actually am acting the same as the Rick here would, in which case things won't be totally screwed up if he comes home? Then again, I may never go home. As for the Rick in my world, is it the Rick from this world, or one from another? Did I switch places, or did every Rick in existence just move on to the next world? Unless my body back home is just a shell running without anything inside: like a robot. That could mean the same thing was happening before I got here. If that's true, though, then am I really involved with Michael and friends with Zidane, Alma, and the others, or are they all just empty shells, too?

If only my sudden insecurities with Michael were the worst thing in my life right now.

"Really?" Michael sounds disappointed. Why would he have to be like that? I haven't done anything wrong. Relationships suck.. "I thought that you and Zidane weren't an item. Ever."

THAT is his problem? Please. As if I would ever want something with Zidane. No way. Never. Nope. We're friends, and nothing more. Never will be. I don't even have dreams about being involved with the thief, let alone actually wanting it to happen. Besides, he's always all over Dagger, Alma, or some other stupid airheaded woman. He'd never be interested in me, so there is no way I'm even going to waste my time fantasizing about what it would be like to live my life with Zidane: you know, things like walking through the Business District on a Saturday afternoon, watching kids run around playing stick ball and other such things; shopping for groceries and finding an incredible deal on strawberries; later feeding one another said strawberries at night in front of a roaring fire while it snows outside. Nope, the thought never occurred to me.

"We're just friends," Zidane assures Michael with a smirk. "The Princess here is a little too uptight for me. You can have him."

"I am not uptight!" I shriek. Really, I'm a very laid back person. Nothing gets to me. My skin is like Teflon. Nothing can bother the Buddha-like Rick. Nothing.

Zidane looks at me and laughs. "Yes you are! Who else would cry over having a purse stolen? Let alone throw a fit that requires bodily restraint?"

"It's a satchel," I snarl. Why won't anyone listen to me? A satchel is not a purse! "Besides, it's a very traumatic thing. How would you feel if I took this ring you gave me and threw it into a river?"

Of course, I would never do that. It's much too pretty.

"You'd better not," he warns. Like I'm really scared. "Besides, I never gave it to you. You just put it on and never took it off. It's just jewellery. It's not like it's anything important."

"Am I interrupting?" a feminine voice interrupts. So yes, she is interrupting.

Minister Croft walks into the room and looks at our ragtag gathering. Considering Freya is the only one legally old enough to drink on Earth, I'd say that there's really no need for an impressed look to be on her face. And there isn't.

I look around and see that Zidane, Raijin, and even Michael have gone into drool mode. Huh, that's odd. Why would Michael be caught under her spell? I've never been affected by it. Maybe there are some things that just shouldn't be questioned: like Sarah Jessica's Parker's choices in the world of fashion. Or Fran Dresher's.

"No, ma'am," I say when no one else speaks up. Well, since I have the floor and the arguing seems to have stopped, I might as well ask the burning question, and I don't mean the one about what's going on with Michael and Lara being able to control the libidos of random people without so much as a thought. "Um, why are Raijin and Fujin here? Are they coming too?"

Lara gives that smile that makes the other men in the room melt like Tara Reid's plastic surgery. "They're going to accompany you four part of the way on your journey as a favour to me. Raijin and Fujin are actually on their way to Ascantha, and will break off from your group shortly after you pass through Gizamaluke's Grotto."

"We're walking?" I whine. Sure, I'd figured that some things might stay the same as they were in the game, but some had to have have changed. "Couldn't we just take an airship there?"

"And risk Lindblum being drawn into the conflict?" Freya asks as though I'm stupid or something very close. Something tells me that we won't be getting along too well in the near future. "You truly are a fool."

"Yeah, well you're stupid," I hiss before sticking my tongue out. Then my neck meets Mr. Pointy Spear. It's not the greatest of introductions.

"Do not insult me."

I apologize and she glares at me a few moments before lowering Mr. Pointy Spear. Have I mentioned that all of the hostility going on is like Viagra to the MCoDs? They almost seem to not care about the fact that tearing into Freya could end up with me being dead.

"As I said," Lara continues rather nervously while looking at me as though trying to predict what trouble-causing statement I'll make next. They're not intentional. I swear! "They are going to accompany you as far as Gizamaluke Grotto. If you want my opinion, if may be beneficial to stop by Ascantha if you feel you have the time. Just to get some rest, of course."

The fact that she had her eyes on me the entire time tells me that she doesn't want us there to "rest." Actually, it probably has to do with that weird conversation we had yesterday during the Hunt. Well, I'll make sure that we don't go to Ascantha. Gaia's Rick was probably a convict on the run before escaping to Alexandria and she's after the bounty, if my recent bout of bad luck is any indication.

"Now that the idiot is caught up," Freya says impatiently, "will you please open the Dragon Gate?"

This is really starting to tick me off. I am not an idiot. Even Zidane looks upset by it, and he's always making fun of my intelligence.

"Freya, lay off the Princess," he says in my defence. Wow, maybe he's starting to get over the whole me seeing Michael thing. Speaking of which, why hasn't the guy who I think said that he's in love with me said anything about the barrage of negativity I'm getting from the dragoon? "He's kind of sensitive. I really don't want to have him crying the entire way. It's bad enough I'll have to listen to him blather on about his feet hurting and mud ruining his shoes."

However, I'm not mad at him when he finishes. It could be because he turns around and winks at me. Hopefully, it's an indication to the return of the way things were before Lindblum.

Minister Croft regains our attention and leads us all to the elevator that will take us down to the subway thing below the castle. Michael has to stay behind because it's an authorized personnel only type of place, but he gives me a goodbye kiss so passionate that for a moment I forget about all of my doubts. Then they come back twofold because of said passionate kiss.

The elevator is kind of crowded, what with seven people riding it at once, and one of them being the giant that is Raijin. That must be why it's moving so slow.

"Is everyone well equipped for this journey?" Lara asked when the hydraulics starts hissing. The machine comes to a stop soon after and everyone gets off one by one. Lara is the last to depart, right after me. Being short and unarmed sucks big time. Sure, Vivi and Zidane are both lacking more than me in the height area, but one has very sharp knife things, and the other can set me on fire with no effort whatsoever. Scary people, my friends are.

Well, to answer the lady's question: yes. Everyone is well equipped. Raijin is showing off his big wooden stick (if I had a stick, I could whack those stupid squirrels, no problem) while his silent partner continues to glare at me and only me. Her chakram is strapped to her back. How do those blades not cut into her shoulders? Anyway, Freya has her spear, Zidane his daggers, and Vivi needs only his magic. Me? Well, I'm in the situation I've been in since day one: I have nothing. Dagger stole all of my stuff, remember? Stupid fake redheaded princess. Her hair colour's probably not the only thing that's fake, if you get my drift.

"Yeah, we're good to go," I answer when no one else will speak up. Being the mouthpiece of Wonderful Rick and his Fabulous Friends and getting quite tiresome. On second thought, that name really doesn't work. It is just way to long. Meh, I'll think of something.

Lara puts a hand into her pocket and beckons me close. "Actually, Rick, seeing as how all of your possessions have been, shall we say, 'liberated,'" she means stolen, "I've seen to it that you are outfitted with something that may help you on your journey."

My journey? I though we were all taking this thing together? Hold that thought: she's holding something shiny!

"This," she says as she dangles a bracelet in front of me, "was synthesized specifically for you by our local masters of synthetics."

That's a fun word to say: synthetics. It just rolls off the tongue: like Gucci or Armani. "Whatever it is," I declare while grabbing at the silvery chain, "it's absolutely gorgeous!"

She holds her hand up so that the jewellery is just out of my reach. I jump for it and she raises her hand even higher. A smirk crosses her face, and I hear a few of my companions sniggering behind my back. Stupid videogame heroes and/or lackeys to secondary villains.

"Rick, this is a Vanguard. It's been imbued with powerful magic to keep you safe. However, I should warn you, because of the strength of the magic, it will negate the effects of any other magical items you may be wearing."

"Huh?" Man, am I confused. "What the heck is a magical item?"

Just about everyone falls to their faces, the only exceptions being Lara and Fujin. Both women have intense looks of concentration focused on me. My skin is covered with goosebumps. Goosebumps sounds so much better than goose pimples. Who wants to evoke the imagery of acne when you're trying to set up suspense, anyway?

Of course, Minister Croft is the one to explain the simplicity of magical items to my stupid self. It's time for a story as to why I don't know what a magical item is. Think. Think. Got it! In my hometown, where I lived before Alexandria, they never used magical items. As for why I hadn't heard of them while living in Alexandria… Well, I'll lie about that when I come to it.

"Magical items are very common. They're everyday objects that contain a small bit of the world's mana. Its life force, so to speak. Anyway, each magical item varies in its usability and strength. We can slightly increase the strength of a magical item, though. A Vanguard for example, is one of the strongest magical items that can be made. We simply combine a…"

She's on a long-winded explanation of something that confuses me. I hate when people do that. When it's all said and done, it's basically a case of magical items endow people with special abilities, and if a person is in possession of a magical item long enough, they may no longer need the item to use that particular ability. Hmm, now where have I heard of that before?

"This Vanguard thing, what abilities does it give me?" I ask curiously as I finally snatch the bracelet from her and slip it onto my free wrist. The Bangle tends to not want to allow it to fit. Hmm, since this cancels magical abilities, I wonder if it will cancel out my Materia as well.

It takes a few seconds for her to answer. This can't be good. "Um, well, it significantly cuts the ability of magic to harm you…"

"But?" This time it's Freya, who has horned in on my conversation. Raijin and Zidane have gone back into drool mode and Fujin, as always, hasn't said anything. This is such a glamourous life that I lead.

"At the same time," she answers with a sigh that shows she really doesn't want to give an answer, "the healing properties of magic are decreased greatly as well."

Hmm, seeing as how nobody here can cast white magic, and I currently hold a great dislike of anyone in the future that will be able to cast it, that doesn't sound so bad. "So? I'll just use potions. No big deal."

Again, there's an unexpected reaction that makes me feel as though I've said something incredibly stupid. All right, so I don't have any potions or the money to buy them. Is it that bad?

"Rick, you are aware of the downside of relying on potions, are you not?" Freya asks. Seriously, is it 'make Rick look stupid' day? "Zidane gave me the impression that you were trained as an Alexandrian knight. Surely they taught you something about potions."

When I tell her that I was in the Knights of Pluto, a look of understanding comes onto her face. At least the uselessness of the Knights of Pluto is a good back story for my own incompetence.

"The more you use potions, the less effect they become. Your body becomes used to them, ya know." Do I even have to tell you who's talking? You should know this by now. "It's kind of like getting sick. Your body get immune to them, ya know, so you have to get something stronger, which is why we have hi-potions."

Huh, he actually said something smart. I'm impressed. So, if I have this straight, the more I use potions the more worthless they become? Hey, as long as they taste good, I'll keep on buying them.

Zidane even feels the need to chime in. "The only exceptions are the rare X-Potions and even rarer Elixirs. Both of them completely restore your health. Many a dying man… or woman has sought them in hopes of prolonging their life, and only a handful have succeeded. The most famous is probably King Cloud of Ascantha."

A gleam comes into his eye and I know exactly what he's thinking. He wants an elixir. Probably more for what it'll get him one the street than any other actual use.

"What exactly is the difference between an X-Potion and an elixir?" I ask. This is all really useful stuff that never gets explained in the games. You're just supposed to take it for granted, I guess. Yeah, I know what the difference is on the game, but I have no clue of the whole reality thing.

"You really are clueless, Princess," Zidane laughs.

"Shut up, Honey!" I shout, looking around for something to throw at him. Darn, nothing. "I may be clueless, but at least I'm not wearing stripes."

He looks his shirt over and asks what is wrong with the stripes. However, before I can explain that vertical stripes are for fat people trying to hide their weight, and that the only people who wear horizontal stripes are those anorexic models who want to appear as though they actually have eaten something in the past six months when everyone knows that they haven't, I'm interrupted.

"The difference between X-potions and elixirs are that X-potions heal only injuries, whereas elixirs can purify the body of illnesses that can be extracted by no other means.”

Wow, Lara Croft is really smart. So why is she marketed almost exclusively as a sex symbol? Stupid videogame moguls.

"Then what am I supposed to do, not wear the Vanguard that you had made especially for me?" I ask as I look at the gorgeous bracelet. I love jewellery. This particular piece complements the MCoDs in so many ways. Gold is like black: it goes with everything if you wear it right. Even deadly claws decorated with what Yuffie described as Venomously Violet.

"Whatever." She sounds exasperated. What in the world is bothering Minister Croft? My guess is Raijin always saying "ya know." I know that it sure is bothering the heck out of me. "You decide whether or not you want to wear it, Rick. I've already given you all of the information that I can."

"I think I will wear it," I tell her happily as I look at it in the torchlight. Still underground, remember? "It's pretty."

Of course that's why you're wearing it," Zidane says as he leans on me from behind and puts his chin on my shoulder. I turn my head and see that he had a huge, cheesy grin plastered across his face. My instincts kick in and I grab my Vanguard protectively.

"If you even think about stealing it…" I begin to threaten, but he shakes his head and assures me that that's not what he's planning. "So, you are planning something. Out with it, Honey."

He just shakes his head again. "Nope. You'll have to wait and see."

Sometimes I just want to strangle people. Is that a bad thing? The MCoDs seem to think not.

Freya gets tired of all the stalling and demands that we get a move on. Geez, someone sure is bossy. I should probably tell her to shut up when she's not all armed and stuff.

You know that thing you have to ride to get to the gate? Well, imagine riding a very fast roller coaster with no turns, dips, or loops and you pretty much have the feeling that I got. There's the wind blowing the hair away from your face. Well, not in my case. Stupid baldness. Hopefully, it blew the paint off.

It jerks to a stop rather suddenly and I'm thrown into the person beside me, who just happens to be Vivi. He still hasn't said anything. Is my little buddy mute?

"Sorry, Cutie," I say as we climb out and onto a concrete floor. The light is a little bright, so there aren't any torches. Yay! Sunlight! "Are you okay?"

He nods but doesn't say anything before wandering over to Freya's side. My heart is breaking in half. Maybe he should just stay here in Lindblum. Alma would be happy to take care of him, I'm sure. Then he wouldn't have to go through any of the crap ahead of us. You know, Cleyra being attacked by the Mages and all. Who am I to decide his fate, though? I mean, I almost went with Passively Pink on the MCoDs instead! That would have been a faux pa like Gaia has never before seen. You do not go to dances at the Lindblum castle with pink nails and a really hot black suit that is later stolen by a stupid tramp that screwed up her dye job. Dagger must die! Die! Die! Die!

Oh, right, we're getting ready to leave.

Lara waves us off as Raijin and Zidane open the big wooden door that serves as a "gate" to keep the monsters out. Mist spills in and curls around our ankles. It's been so long since I've been in it; the thought of re-entering it is a little overwhelming. How can it not affect these guys?

Our group leaves the safety of the castle. Zidane and Raijin close the doors, getting all sweaty in the process. There had better not be any sweat involved in this thing, because I don't know if my pores can take that in addition to the still unknown effects of the Mist. It won't be just a couple of nights stumbling around in the stuff this time. It's a real trek. It could take days to reach Burmecia. The anatomy of Gaia isn't exactly the same as the game had it, after all.

I hang back a little from the group. Not too smart, I know, what with the fact that monsters can get to me rather easily now. Still, my thoughts require that I have some semblance of departure from the masses. Besides, Fujin keeps giving me these scary glares.

"Hey, Princess," Zidane calls as he slows down enough to walk side by side with me. "Could you please tell me what you see in that Michael guy. I just don't get it."

Not this again. The wall is starting to crumble from the number of times I've smacked my head against it over those two. Zidane is my friend, and Michael is my… I could call him a boyfriend, but I don't really want to. Not until I've sorted out all of this stuff. If comes out that I can't tell him that I love him, then it's clear that the relationship is over. I'm not the type to string him along. However, if I do lo… if I do "l-word" him, then "Yay!" for me.

"Do you really want to know, or is this another exercise in insulting my tastes in men?" I ask irritably. Am I upset over Zidane criticisms or my own apprehension? Stupid Zidane. Stupid me. “Or did you just want him for yourself?”

"Yeah, I'm all about the men," Zidane rolls his eyes. Freya looks back at us curiously before looking ahead. "All I can think about are muscles and abs. No boobs for me."

His sarcasm annoys me. "You really want to know why I like Michael? It's because he can do for me what my friends can't."

"And what is that?"

I put one hand on either side of his face and pull him in close, pressing my lips against his, but never opening them. After a second, I pull away in horror. What did I just do? Someone kill me. Well, anyone other than Zidane. He actually will.

"Well," Zidane says slowly after wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "That's definitely something that I won't do for you. Still, I think you can do better."

I completely humiliate myself and all he can do is tell me that I can do better than Michael? Smack! That, my friends, was the sound of my forehead hitting the proverbial wall yet again. What does is take to get through to this blockhead?

You know what? I'm just going to worry about all of this Zidane/Michael drama later. Right now, I have something far more important to focus on: getting my satchel back and killing Dagger. Then I can choose between the two most important men in my life.


	16. Chapter 16

I do not like having things stolen from me. The whole “Dagger must die!” thing probably clued you in to that. I kind of feel sorry for those monsters that don't get it. You know, the ones in the area between Lindblum and Gizamaluke Grotto? I'm talking about those annoying things that steal your elixirs and phoenix downs before vanishing. Well, they don't so much vanish in real life. It's more of a spewing smoke and running away thing. Really, somebody should have told them that you do not steal things from me.

You see, the group took a vote and decided that the useless one, which just happens to be me, should have to carry our supplies. That means all of the potions, antidotes, and other selected goodies. Fun. Especially seeing as how there isn't a magical satchel that gets rids of all the heaviness. At least it kept me out of all the fights, which ended rather suddenly between the skill of Freya and the viciousness of Fujin. Zidane, who was our tough guy for the longest time, is currently suffering a blow to his ego, but that's besides the point. Anyway, one of those things thief things snuck up on me from behind, hit me in the head with something blunt, grabbed our bag of gear and ran. Of course, it has to hit me in the whole paint covered area. Stupid blue target thing.

"Get back here!" I shriek as I give chase. Being mugged, knocked out and robbed, called useless, and then getting mugged again has really begun to try my patience. Stupid Elena. Stupid Dagger. Stupid Freya. Stupid monster that is about to die!

"Princess!" Zidane calls as he takes off after me. "Get back here before you get yourself killed!"

So, of course, I stop and watch as all of our loot goes away. Not! My legs keep pumping in a manner that would make my gym teacher back on earth all giddy. Before Gaia, I would've had to stop and take a break by now. At the very least, I've gotten into better shape since coming here. I think I can out throw my four-year-old niece now, too.

The monster thing, I can't remember what it's called, is either starting to slow down or I'm getting faster. Either way, I'm catching up. By the way, so what if I don't recall the name of every monster that ever existed in this game? It's just the thing I played between bouts of FFVII and FFVIII madness until I got a Gamecube. Oh, Yaun, how I love you with all of your prettiness. If he's the villain here instead of Garland or Kuja, I'm going to have to pull a Seifer so fast that it'll make everyone's heads spin. Oh yeah, Rick likes the sexy.

The stupid thieving Mist monster looks back before tripping, proving at once that I'm both scary and not the worlds' only klutz. That's right, I said “worlds'” instead of “world's”. Even back on Earth, I was tripping over stuff, though not to the degree that I have on Gaia. Just a stuck out foot here and there instead of absolutely EVERYTHING. Plus, it's quite amazing to me that I can actually inspire fear in something. Up until now, the only time I saw that look was when my classmates and I had to change for gym class (which I never did, thus giving my gym teacher one more on a long list of reasons to dislike me). Stupid uptight high school boys.

I shout something about the creature dying as I pounce on it. The MCoDs are in the air, about to descend on it and bathe in blood, like they've wanted to ever since I woke up on those steps in Alexandria, but someone grabs my wrist and pulls me off the creature. Zidane throws me to the ground before pulling out his daggers and stabbing the thing many, many times. And I thought the MCoDs' viciousness may have been overkill.

"Do you have any brains?" he asks me as he wipes the blades of his weapons on the wet grass before grabbing our bag of stuff and throwing at on me. Yeah, someone remind that I have to kill Zidane. Wet grass equals wet butt when someone throws you onto yours. Stupid Zidane.

"Come on, Honey," I say as I stand up and throw the pack over our shoulder. He feels around the monster and produces another black rock thing that is most definitely ore. "You seriously think, after all the time we've travelled together, that I can't even take care of one little monster?"

He smiles as puts the ore into the bag and puts an arm around my shoulder. "Princess, if I've learned anything during all the time we've travelled together, it's that you can't even take care of one little monster. That's why you need me to protect you."

Protect me? So… Zidane yelled at and chased after me, not because he was mad, but because he was worried? How cute. I think somebody likes me.

"If anything, I need you to make me look smart, Honey. Everybody knows that you don't wear sleeveless shirts in the cold."

A small laugh escapes him as we as we make our way back to the awaiting group. "Princess, the only thing worse than wearing sleeveless shirt in the cold is wearing bright colours to a city where it always rains."

Did he just make a fashion-related comeback? Ah, so he is learning after all. I'm so proud.

"Did you two have fun?" Raijin asks cheerfully, despite the fact that he's sporting a red mark on the side of his face that's bound to bruise. Ouch.

"Tons," Zidane replies just as happily as he pulls me into another set of noogies, right where I got hit in the head my that stupid thing he just killed. "Hey, Princess, I've been wondering something."

"I told you, I'm done talking about M…"

Putting the hand he'd just been using on the side of my head over my mouth, he groans a little. "I'm not going to ask you about your precious 'boyfriend.' All I want to know is this: why do you have paint on the side of your head?"

"Mmmph bbpt mmpfh," I answer.

"What?" he asks. "Can't you speak like a normal person?"

"HAND!" Fujin states to a clueless look from Zidane.

"Huh?"

"I think you've got to take your hand off his mouth for him to talk, ya know," Raijin explains. Why does it take the (arguably) dumbest member of our group for him to understand that?

"Umm, what's wrong with Michael?" Vivi asks out of the blue. "I met him when we were getting to leave, and he seemed like a nice guy."

Out of the mouth of babes.

"We're just not going to talk about Michael. Okay, Cutie?" I tell Vivi when I'm finally allowed to speak. Zidane seemed to have forgotten that his hand was still on my mouth for a bit there. "Zidane is kind of a jerk to me when it comes to the M-word."

"Am not," the thief huffs, but for the sake of keeping the peace, I take the higher, more honourable road and let it slide.

"Can we please go now?" Freya asks rather impatiently. "I kind of have to be somewhere right now."

Geez, we get it: your homeland is being attacked and your people massacred. We all have things going on in our lives, you know. Some people can be so selfish.

With that, we continue on our way; the others kill a number of monsters whose names I can't remember. Really, this whole world switching thing would have been a lot easier if I'd been allowed to bring the walk through with me. Not that I have one. To get it, I would've had to have gone on ebay and wait two weeks for it to come through the mail. You know what? I'd just rather not know. Less money and less waiting.

"What's that?" Vivi asks nervously, as is his tendency these days when he actually does speak. My eyes follow his finger and I see a large swampy bog thing lying ahead of us. Darn it, couldn't we have skipped this? Quina is just an optional character on disk one. We can just avoid that nasty unpleasantness.

"It's nothing to concern ourselves with," I say as thoughts of ruining my "new" shirt on the slimy things in the marsh invade my mind. Eww. "We should just go around it."

Freya shakes her head in disagreement. Darn it. Now I'm going to have to ruin these ugly boots even more. Just a thought, but does anyone remember when I started to hate my current footwear? Oh, right, when I found something better. Stupid Elena.

"Rick, we need to go through there. The map that Regent Cid gave me shows that the fastest way to the grotto is through that marsh."

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. I do not want to go in there. There are frog things that spit at you, muck, weeds that catch on your clothes (last pair of everything, if you'll recall. Stupid satchel stealing Dagger. She must die!), and the whole Quina thing. S/he never really was my favourite character, as I've said time and again. Stupid useless blue magic didn't help either. The only thing s/he was good for was a little bit of extra firepower during this particular part of the game that I am currently living. However, seeing as how we have Raijin and Fujin, we really don't need to go there. No, we do not. Don't make me go! Please!

"Princess, what are you waiting for?" Zidane asks as he grabs and drags a reluctant me by the wrist. Rick no want marsh.

At the entrance to the marsh we're jumped by these big scaly, lizardy things. I think they're called Serpions, although it could be something else entirely. All I know is that they have big pointy tail things that scare me. Poison is not a fun thing to die from. Just ask Anna Nicole.

"Stay back!" Zidane orders as he pulls out his daggers and stands right in front of me. Seriously, this whole protector thing is getting old fast. As if I didn't know my place in battle. Everyone else fights, and I get to run around screaming as things try to hurt me. It's practically down to a science.

Freya jumps high into the air as one of the three, yes, I said THREE, Serpions jabs at her with the barb on the end of its tail. She comes down and stabs it with her spear, but the weapon bounces off its reinforced hide. Freya can't kill them. Yay? No, Rick, no yay.

One of the monsters lumbers in my direction. Of course, being my self-appointed "protector”, Zidane attempts to drive it away but is instead batted to the side with a sweep of that horrible tail. Really, this has to be the ugliest creature I've ever seen, and I've seen Brahne up close. At least, I think I have. Probably, what with the whole possessing the Rick of this world thing going on. I'm also starting to remember things, a bit here and there, but it's all fuzzy. Are they the memories from the Rick here? Or are they things that my mind is coming up with to cope with the whole not knowing my past in this world wonderfulness? Oh, right, killer beast thing coming my way. I just can't have a moment to myself, can I?

"Oof!" After a spectacular dive, I am literally eating grass. It doesn't really taste as good as those stupid cows make it seem. There is no way I'd eat this stuff once, let alone three or four times. Blech! Meh, at least I'm not impaled on a Serpion tale.

An icicle flies over my head and smashes into the neck of the monstrosity. The frigid spear shatters on impact and the big monster thing falls to the ground with a thud.

"And that's why you don't mess with me," I boast as I stand up and kick it in the side. Stupid monster.

Of course, my luck had to be that Vivi (when did he learn Blizzard, anyway?) didn't kill it. Ooh, I don't like that look on its face. Reminds me of all those looks I got from Steiner. Somebody help me…

A chakram comes flying out of nowhere and slices the head off the thing completely. Well, if that doesn't spell dead, I don't know what does. As an added bonus, no blood got on me this time!

Again, Fujin stares at me, and my blood runs cold. Why does creepy girl keeping looking at me? Make her stop! Somebody? She's looking at me!

"That was fruitless," Freya says over her own dead monster. I watch the last one snuff it as Raijin puts it in a headlock, much like the one Zidane just had me in, and snaps its neck. Boy, this has been a fun trip. Maybe next we'll get to visit my hometown of Hellhole. Everybody there just loves me, and my new friends/travelling companions/angry stalkers would just love to meet the citizens of Hellhole and discuss how much of a help to society I am. Sarcasm, again, in case you didn't know.

We all gather our stuff and, in my case, courage up before stepping into the reedy wonderfulness that is Qu's marsh. Lovely, I tell you. Why must my life involve getting sucked into FFIX? I've said it before, and I'll say it again: this so should have been about me getting sucked into some other videogame. Heck, I wouldn't have minded Dragon Quest VIII. Aside from Jessica's tendency to be violent and Yangus's overall unscrupulousness, it didn't seem like a bad world to live in. Well, there was the whole world ending thing, but what good RPG doesn't have that? (If someone says Pokèmon, they'd better mean from the actual series and not those awful spinoffs.) Besides, maybe then I'd actually get to learn the main character's name. Unless I took the role of the main character, in which case I would be fated to marry Medea, and that so is not happening. There is no way I would even consider Trode being my father-in-law. Blech.

As it is, I'm in FFIX and wandering through a marsh with a giant rat who doesn't seem to like me, a genome who flirts with anything even resembling a woman, a black mage going through an identity crisis, a kindhearted muscle head, and a scary girl with anger issues. Oh, joy.

You know that bridge thing that you're supposed to walk across when you cross the big body of water? Cut it in half where the width is concerned and you have the actual measurement. Everyone is walking slowly, trying not to fall into the nasty water below. It's hard to believe that things can actually live in that stuff. Water is not meant to be a very pale taupe. Even vomit is a better colour than this stuff.

"Watch your step, Princess," Zidane warns from behind me. I look back at him and he has one of those grins on his face that means trouble. "You wouldn't want to fall in."

He had better not.

"Honey, don't you dare…" I warn as he stops, puts a hand on each of my arms, and throws me off the bridge and into the water.

The first thing you notice about swamp water is that it's not cold. Actually, it's kind of tepid. The second thing is its taste/smell. Yes, I had the great luck to fall into the water with my mouth open. Nasty. When I get out of here, Zidane is so going to get it. This was my last pair of clean clothes! Now I'm going to have to go to Burmecia smelling of swamp water. Sure, there might be a change of clothes at Quina's shack, but I honestly would rather walk around the continent in nasty clothes than dress like a Qu. Just the thought of wearing an apron like that makes me shudder.

Ah! Something just touched me!

Screams fill the air when I break the surface. Raijin helps me out of the water. He's not laughing. The rage in my eyes must have tipped him off not to find the humour in my humiliation.

"You will die!" I growl as I run at Zidane, which is probably not the smartest thing to do on this very skinny bridge thing. I reach him, MCoDs all ready to tear him a new something, but slip on a puddle of water that can only have gotten on the bridge when I fell into the water. As a latch ditch attempt to steady myself, I grab at Zidane and miss. Getting thrown into water and hitting water are two very different things. When Zidane threw me in, I had been expecting it and had time to prepare. There isn't any time to prepare when you fall in. Hitting water hurts.

Why am I back in the nasty water? Stupid Zidane.

The moron who threw me in to begin with is the one to help me out. I am very tempted to pull him in with me, but there's really no sense in it. It's not like I want him to suffer right now. There are ways that I can do that later.

"Are you okay, Princess? That looked kind of…" he starts.

"Painful? Yeah, there was a lot of pain. Plus, I now have soaking wet clothes and this lovely swamp stench. Thank you so much, Honey. Let me know just how I can repay you in the future."

He gets this contemplative look on his face. "Well, since you seem to have a way with the ladies that rivals even my own, I'll just let you set me up with some cuties when we get back to Lindblum."

Like I'm really going to do that. If it weren't for the fact that I absolutely hate her, I'd join forces with Eiko and let her have her way with him. Seriously, that little girl inspires hatred in me that nothing else short of Fox News can.

Freya gives us this look that shows she doesn't appreciate all of the wasted time. Is it my fault that Zidane is a pretentious jerk that feels the need to embarrass me in every way possible?

After everyone settles down, we continue crossing the bridge until we reach the nice and mucky ground on the other side. These boots do not deserve this. Sure, I may hate them, call them ugly, and wish that Elena were cursed with them instead of my lovely shoes, but that's no excuse for this undeserved punishment. Stupid Freya and her stupid shortcut.

After getting my shirt caught on all kinds of unruly plants and tripping over a rock to land face first in said muck... Loveliness. What is it about Gaia that makes me as much of a klutz as Colette from ToS? Must be the change in gravity. That's the only thing I can think of, anyway. Unless the Rick here was a total klutz, and I've inherited some of his tendencies. That is a definite possibility, seeing as how I'm starting to get some memories of his. There's me, or him, as a little boy running around a big stone building with another little boy with grey hair and a redheaded girl. Hermione had better be able to tell me just what the heck is going on when I run into her next. She said something about the Sielje Region, and I know someone somewhere will know something about that. Of course, the only way to get there in Wild Arms 2 was by using that teleportation machine in that one building, so it's completely probable that there is a similar entrance here on Gaia. Whoa, the Wild Arms series was on a planet known as Filgaia, and the Final Fantasy series is (mostly) Gaia, so it must be pretty obvious that one is a rip off of the other. Now the question is which one is the big name and which is the rip off?

That was a long ramble about absolutely nothing. Raine Sage would be proud.

"What's that?" Vivi asks. Pulled away from my thoughts, I look up to see Quina jumping around pitifully, trying to catch a frog. Really pitifully. S/he has more mud stains than I do. Taking pity on Quina, Zidane stabs a frog with one of his Daggers and hands it to Quina. Didn't he just catch it in the game? Wonderful. That is probably the most disgusting thing I've seen today. And I had to stand guard as Raijin took a dump.

Let me take that back. Watching Quina eat the frog is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. I've seen all of George Romero's zombie movies, and they can't hold a candle to the gorefest that I just witnessed. Even Freya looks a pale. Of course, the only one unaffected is Fujin, but that could just be because… well, I can't come up with a reason for it.

"Quina! You is pathetic," another Qu says as s/he walks into the clearing. If I'm correct, this thing is male and named Quan, unless that's Vivi's grandfather. If that's the case, then this is actually Quayle. Or something like that. I really should have paid more attention to the game, but I never really bothered with the frog catching sidequest. It just wasn't as much fun as making a chocobo dig. "Can not even catch your own dinner. You is be ashamed."

What's with the broken English? At least, I'm assuming I'm speaking English. If I'm actually speaking some weird Gaian language and the only reason I can understand is because the Rick before me spoke it… Stupid Hermione not answering my questions. What good is knowing a know-it-all if you can't learn from her the things that you don't know?

There's a bit of back and forth between Quina and Quayle, which is what I'm going to call the other Qu until I can figure out what his name is. Stupid memory lapses. When it's all said and done, we're invited to Quayle's little cabin in the marsh.

When we get there, Quina slinks off to hide in the reeds or something. Vivi just keeps looking at Quayle with a weird look in his eyes. I doubt anyone else notices it. Poor kid must really be missing his grandpa right now.

"So, what did you want to talk to us about?" Zidane asks when everyone concerned is gathered inside. Freya looks a little annoyed that we're wasting her time instead of running right off to save her nation. She must regret coming through here. I told her not to come, but she wouldn't listen to me. Now I'm all wet and stinky, and we're going to have Quina coming with us. Oh, joy, a party of seven until we get out of Gizamaluke Grotto. Fujin and Raijin are supposed to leave us then, remember? Something about having a job in Ascantha. I don't really know what the whole job thing is about, but I'm going to assume it involves hunting.

"Quina is young. I want you take Quina with you on journey. S/he need learn many lessons on food, learn there more to eat than frogs," Quayle tells us. "Quina also strong in battle. Be big help."

I'm just going to say nothing. Aside from Cait Sith, everybody knows that Quina is the most useless character is all of Final Fantasy lore. Well, there's also Gau and Edgar, but at least they have interesting back stories. At least, Gau does. Edgar just annoyed me with his cowardice.

"What do you guys think?" Zidane, acting as our unofficial leader, asks. Everyone pretty much mumbles something along the lines of "I don't care."

"If it'll get us out of here faster," Freya adds. Geez, woman, like we're really going to do much to stop the Alexandrian military. Our group does consists of two decent fighters, and one of them is leaving after Gizamaluke Grotto. I really can't stress that point enough.

"You stay here. It already late, and marsh very dangerous at night," Quayle warns us. "I have Quina take you to rooms."

There are actually rooms here? I just thought this was a one-room shack.

Quayle calls for his apprentice/child/whatever the heck relation Quina is to him. The younger Qu bows to him before leading us outside. Didn't the big guy just say that it was dangerous to be outside?

I look up at the sky and see that the sun is setting. Have we really been out that long already? Time flies by when you're getting beat up and thrown into swamp water. Oh yeah, I'm definitely rethinking the whole forcing my way onto the battlefield thing here. Staying in Lindblum with Alma and Lara does indeed sound like fun compared to all of this. Heck, I even miss Michael despite all of the "love" weirdness.

"You stay here," Quina says when we reach another set of buildings hidden in the reeds. There are two of them, and I'm assuming that they're going to split us up along gender lines here. It's going to get kind of cramped in there with four guys. You may think that would be my dream, but you have to consider that two of the guys are Vivi and Raijin. Not exactly the best environment for certain types of escapades unless you're a really strong pedophile. I am neither.

"Okay, since there are six of us, Vivi Raijin, and I will stay in that one," Zidane points to the more dilapidated of the two, "while Freya, Fujin, and the Princess take the other one."

Freya looks a little concerned about that. "Are you sure it's safe to put him in with us. He might try things."

Zidane laughs and says that his fear of my "trying things" is the reason I'm being put with the girls. I take exception to that. Aside from kissing him on the Prima Vista and then again this morning, I have not tried to do anything to anyone. Besides, neither of those was really romantic or sexual in nature. Why would I want Zidane anyway? I have Michael waiting for me. I don't have a need for that stupid monkey. Who cares how well he cleaned up at the ball? There is a very sexy man with no painting abilities that is in love with me, I think. Stupid Zidane.

So we split off, and I try to wring the last of the dirty water out of my drying clothes. You know how clothes get all stiff when they get all wet and then have to air dry without any fabric softener? I'm enduring that loveliness in addition to the already sucking smell that just won't seem to leave. Plus, I'm starting to get a headache. It's probably from all of the stress I've had to go through in the last couple of days. Being a grownup and having to save the world isn't any fun.

"You're sleeping over there," Freya says when we walk into the building and see four beds. Of course, she points me to the dingiest one in the darkest corner. As if to emphasize her influence on where I'll be sleeping tonight, she pulls out her spear. "I'll be back later, and my stuff had better not have been touched or I won't hesitate to kill you."

That was all said to me, by the way. Fujin just stood there giving me an eyeful. Looking away from creepy lady, I see something on the floor that drives me to jump onto the nearest bed, which is not the one Freya picked out for me.

"Ah! Kill it! Kill it!" I scream as the evil beast looks as me and twitches its nose. Those beady eyes stare me down as I continue screaming and jump to a bed slightly farther away.

Freya rushed back inside, spear in hand, and looks around for the sign of danger. "What is it?"

Fujin doesn't say anything. She doesn't really have to, since I point to the evil creature and continue screaming. "There it is! Kill it! Kill it!"

The dragoon walks to where I'm pointing and bends down. She puts her hands on the floor and beckons the monstrosity over. It crawls across the floor and into her hand. With an irritated look on her face, she looks back at me and then holds the thing out for me to see it in all of its disgusting glory. "Are you talking about this?"

Fearfully I shake my head before demanding that she smash its bones to dust.

"Rick, it's just a mouse. In case you've forgotten, I come from a country full of people that probably shared an ancestor with this poor little guy."

Way to look stupid, Rick. Why not just tell Freya that she's disgusting? That'll definitely win her over. Besides, you're a vegetarian who supports animal rights. Stupid Rick.

After giving me a dirty look, she leaves the building again with the mouse in tow. Sighing out of relief, I drop onto my behind and look over at Fujin who is still staring at me. "What is it? Is there something about me that's really that interesting?"

She nods, more conversation than I've ever gotten from her (unless you count the insults) in all the time we've known each other. Fujin sits beside me on the bed and grabs my arm. My sleeve is pulled back to reveal the bangle and she taps the yellow Materia. This can't be good.

"What do you know?" I ask quietly for fear that Freya might still be around. It's one thing to talk to someone who is already suspicious of you. It's another for a canon character to find out that they're travelling with someone who technically isn't even from their universe.

Fujin looks off thoughtfully before turning back to me and showing just what is underneath that eye patch.

Where her eye should be, which I already figured was missing, there is a yellow orb. Exactly like the one on my bangle and Hermione's necklace. That can mean only one of two things. Either Fujin has been transported here just like us, or she's doing that whole Yu-gi-oh thing and our Materia is like the Millennium items and she is using one in a very Pegasus-like way. I am so hoping that it's the former.

"Are you not from around here?" I ask. She nods before closing the eye patch. My stomach is thankful. "How did you get here? Did you just wake up in this world?"

Another nod. Her whole not speaking thing is making this conversation kind of one-sided. Normally I wouldn't mind, but I want answers and most of them aren't yes or no.

"Did a woman in a white dress leave this for you?" I ask as I finger my own Materia. Why didn't Fujin get a piece of fancy jewellery like Hermione or me?

She nods again and stands up. I ask her if she ever met the woman in the white dress, but this time the answer is no. When I ask how she can know for sure, she just shrugs.

So, let me get this straight: I am not the only person to be experiencing this. Of course, I knew by now Hermione was, what with all of the Lindblum goodness. But Fujin, too? This can't just be a coincidence. Especially seeing as how we both got Materia from some woman in a white dress that neither of us even knows. What is the common thread between the three of us? An even bigger question is how many other people are in this world when they shouldn't be? Hermione said it was rare for even one person to experience it, but there are at least three of us running around Gaia.

"Does Raijin know?"

She shakes her head again. "ZIDANE?"

Finally, a spoken word! "No, nobody knows. Well, there is this girl named Hermione and her friend Lilka, but they only know because Hermione is like us," I explain despite the fact that I know absolutely nothing. "She said something about us possessing the bodies of people here, and our own bodies back in our home worlds being empty shells that are essentially running around doing what we would do except without souls. Or something like that."

She looks about as confused as I was and still am. Trust it to Hermione to completely confuse everything about this.

Now that I know, or at least have my suspicions, that something is going on, I begin to wonder just what it is with this world. It isn't like it is in the game at all, a fact that I've often stated, but now I'm wondering if it's that way because we're here or if we're here because it's all screwed up. Stupid world changing phenomena.

"How long have you been here?" I ask curiously. She holds up three fingers.

"Three days? Wow, I would've figured that you were here longer than me."

She shakes her head and I rattle off a few more options. Weeks? No. Months? Again, no. I don't like where this is going.

The woman has been here for three years. That means that I may not be going home soon after all. She's been dealing with all of this for that long by herself. And to think I'd been throwing myself a pity party all this time. My week or so of FFIX is nothing compared to three years. Fujin has probably already given up on going home.

"You've made a life here for yourself, haven't you?" I ask. She nods again before looking off wistfully. I'm sure memories of her old life have suddenly been thrust back on her. Unlike me, though, at least she still has a part of it. "At least you found Raijin again."

She gives me a weak smile. In all my years of Playstation enjoyment, I'd never seen Fujin express this much emotion. It's almost creepier than the cold stares.

"How old are you?" I ask.

Two fingers are held up like a peace sign, and then the index finger thumb are touched together to form an "O."

"Twenty?" A nod later, I'm doing the math. She came here three years ago, she's twenty… So when she came to Gaia, Fujin was my age. How long am I going to be here, then? Will my friends and family move on with some imposter, and not the real me? Will my life at home be something that I no longer want to be a part, if I do go back, because it's no longer really me? Oy, Rick is more confused than a Senator at an ethics seminar.

If I'm here for three years, and have developed a close associations with my friends, and even a life with a job and all that good stuff, would I want to go home? To be honest, despite all of the fun I'm having, I really don't know if I want to go home. However, there doesn't seem to be any way to do that just yet.

"Do you want to go back?" I ask Fujin as I contemplate my own reasons for staying in Gaia or going home, should I ever get the choice. "If you could, would you leave the life you have here, with the Raijin you have here, for what you used to have?"

She looks at me but doesn't answer. I'm not too surprised. How can I expect someone to answer a question that I myself can't?


	17. Chapter 17

This is lovely: once again, I find myself staring down Elena. Luckily, I have more than just Zidane acting as back up. She must be really ticked about the beating I put on her last time, because she recognizes me now. Somehow, the world's biggest blonde put together that bald guy she robbed and the guy that totally kicked her behind in ice cavern are the same incredibly sexy person who will forever be out of her league. Okay, so I exaggerate a little. Elena isn't the biggest blonde in the world. She has to share that title with Seifer. Forgive me, but I find it just a little disturbing when someone who is supposed to be evil is actually making out with the heroine of the story while her love interest is dancing with me. You just have to love this screwed up world that I woke up in, don't you? Don't I?

"You!" I shout venomously, angrily noticing that she has her feet in my shoes. If I ever get them back, they're probably going to give me athlete's feet. Stupid Elena.

You're probably wondering what the heck is going on, aren't you? Well, long story short, we're in the beginning part of Gizamaluke's Grotto. The bit where those two clown guys sic the Black Mages on you? I think that's it. Well, anyway, there are Black Mages and dead Burmecian soldiers, but no little people in red and blue that eventually turn into a large freak. What is it with twins becoming one giant monster, anyway? First those freaky ghost things in Buffy (awesome show, BTW. Except for the last two seasons, which were just meh), and then those guys who aren't here when they should be. Instead, I have Elena to deal with. Again.

She's already sent the Black Mages after us, which Raijin, Zidane, and Freya are dealing with. Vivi, the poor little guy, can't seem to move. Not that I blame him, since we're pretty much killing his people and whatnot. Quina is being even more useless than me by trying to eat one of the mages. That leaves me and Fujin to deal with crazy blonde lady. Joy of joys.

"You said I have a bad dye job," Elena curses as she gets into a battle pose. Fujin draws her chakram and I just stand there. Stupid Materia not being good for anything but healing. I think it's on the fritz, too. Remember how my allergies cleared up when I equipped it? Well, this morning I woke up feeling like crap. Not the exhausted kind of crap that I felt when I first began this wonderful journey, either. Stupid Freya making me sleep in that stupid drafty corner. I knew it would make me sick.

"Point being?" I ask with a faked yawn. Maybe antagonizing her isn't that good of an idea, but there really isn't much else that I can do. All I can do is distract the Turk while my fellow "traveller" takes her out.

"This is my real hair colour!" Elena screams angrily. Then she gets an evil grin on her face. This can't be good. "Of course, I'll forgive you since you gave me these gorgeous shoes. They're a little tight, but I'm sure I'll break them in soon enough."

Oh, no she didn't! That hag is planning on keeping my gorgeous shoes. That does it. The MCoDs are going to get the exercise that they've always wanted. "You stupid skank!"

I leap at her with no thought to my own safety. You can see why I'm not the strategist of the group, because I get a kick to the face that sends me flying into a wall. This is familiar in all the worst ways.

Fujin throws her weapon, the spinning circle thing of death looking all deadly. The other womanly warrior does a Matrix-style bending backward thing that I know I could do with the removal of several vital bones and organs. Elena comes back up and dodges a swing from Fujin, grabs the grey-haired gal's arm, and throws her into me. Ow.

"I think this whole getting my butt kicked thing may be rubbing off on you," I joke painfully as Fujin and I untangle the mass that is our arms and legs. Don't ask how, but my left leg had bent around her neck while she sat on my right. If I do decide that I want to be with him, Michael will definitely be a lucky man. More than my schedule is flexible, if you know what I mean.

She just gives me that glare that I'm becoming all too used to, now that I know it isn't one of hatred, unlike the ones I'm always getting from Freya. The dragoon still has a bit of a grudge against me.

"You're as pathetic as I remembered. How in the world did you and monkey-boy beat me?" Elena asks cockily as I look around for something to throw at her stupid head. Wonderful. We're in some sort of ancient cavern/tomb thing, and there isn't a rock to be seen. I could throw the pack of equipment we have, except I set it down the moment that I first saw the sadistic blonde nutcase. We really don't me falling on and breaking our stuff while Elena throws me around like a rag doll. Stupid Dagger. Now I'm really going to have to kill her for stealing my satchel.

Zidane hears her comment and looks over at us, only to be blasted into the wall by a Fire spell. He really should learn to pay attention to what's going on. Getting distracted in the middle of a battle can be dangerous. Seriously, what kind of person does that? I never let myself get distracted when I was playing a videogame. My anger level would just go up and I would tell the moron trying to interrupt me to talk to me after I finished laying the smackdown on Dhoulmagus. Yeah, DQVIII rocks as much as FFVIII. Sigh. I love that game.

My thoughts are rudely interrupted as Elena grabs my ear and lifts my to my feet. Fujin must've tried to attack her again, because my alleged friend is lying in a pained heap on the ground and looking very angry. That isn't good. An angry Fujin is probably worse than an angry Rick. Everyone knows that an angry Rick isn't much fun.

"Looks like it's just you and me again," Elena taunts as she lands a fist in my gut, effectively winding me. Can I just add that being punched hurts? "You're still pathetic. What are you going to do to me this time? Pull my naturally blonde hair again?"

"No," I rasp as I look up at her. This woman is really starting to get on my nerves. Then it happens.

Ever since that morning after Evil Forest, the MCoDs have attacked (or attempted to attack, I should say) just about anyone and everyone. Now they finally know what it feels like to draw blood. They like it. They like it a lot.

Elena has four bloody streaks on her left cheek. There would've been five, but my thumb didn't make contact. She touches her cheek and looks at the blood on her fingertips with astonishment. This is so not good. My MCoDs are crying for a proper bloodbath. Unfortunately, I think there's going to be one. It just won't be Elena's blood splattered all over the walls of this place.

"WHY YOU!" she screams almost incoherently as she throws me me into the nearest wall, then runs at me and levels punch after punch on my poor face. Aside from the pain, I'm now left to wonder what Michael and Zidane will think of me. The last thing I need is for my boyfriends… Um, I mean, my boyfriend-type person and my best friend to see me all bruised and missing half my teeth. You know what? Just forget that ever happened. Yeah, it's the middle ages and next to nobody has heard of hygiene, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't look presentable. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! YOU RUINED MY PERFECT FACE!"

"Only one perfect face has been ruined," I choke out as blood falls from my lips and onto the ground. "And it definitely isn't yours, you pretentious little tramp."

While she looks confused at first (probably trying to figure out what "pretentious" means), Elena looks even madder at the insult I just threw her way. She prepares to attack. Luckily, she never does. Fujin has recovered and slices Elena across the back with her chakram. The blonde assassin falls to the ground. My saviour holds me up as I turn my head away from Elena's body to vomit. My stomach feels like it's about to implode into nothingness; probably a side effect of getting punched in the gut a dozen or so times. There's nothing like watching an actual person being killed to get those nerves all soothed.

"You okay, Princess?" Zidane asks when he's done destroying the Black Mages. Freya looks ready to move on, too concerned with her homeland to realize that a human being was just killed. Sure, Elena may have been trying to kill us, but even she didn't deserve to die. Call me Colette; I was just hoping that this whole thing with the Turks might end without someone getting seriously hurt or dying. At least I can reclaim my shoes.

"Yeah," I mutter when the bile stops. My stomach feels like someone reached through my skin and is squeezing it with a vice. Sad thing is, I don't look any slimmer for it. "I'm just not used to watching people die."

"I don't know what you're talking about, ya know," Raijin says. He and Vivi are both looking at the same body of a badly decimated mage. Poor little guy. I don't feel as bad for Raijin as I do Vivi: mostly because the tall one is poking the corpse with his battle staff. Weirdo.

Fujin and I both look at Elena's body, but it's not there. This had better be one of those weird Resident Evil-style body disappearances. The thought of that crazy blonde running around with a grudge against me, and I guess I should probably include Fujin, isn't exactly the best thought one should have.

"You should probably drink this," Zidane advises as he reaches into the pack that I'm responsible for. He produces a potion, and I reluctantly take it. Do I really want to do this? Sure, I'm all bruised and stuff, but it's not really serious enough to need a potion. Minister Croft said that each time I drink a potion it becomes less and less effective. However, drinking it may do something about this queasiness in my stomach that I've had ever since waking up. Bottoms up, I guess.

This time it tastes like hot cider. I've wanted something like that ever since coming to Gaia. Everything has either been cold or lukewarm. No hot food that wasn't slaughtered prior to being put on my plate. (The Qus had given me some sort of cold mush that tasted like leftover oatmeal when they found out I was a vegetarian. Apparently, they can cook for any type of diet. I'm going to find out if Quina knows anything about South Beach.)

I grab Freya's spear and look at my reflection in the pointy part. There isn't any blood obscuring my view, which makes me wonder momentarily if Black Mages are capable of bleeding. The thought is quickly pushed out of my head as I watch the bruises fade into nothingness and the open cuts close themselves and disappear without so much as a scar. Now all I have to do is clean off the blood. That can wait until after I've stopped vomiting, though.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Zidane asks as he rubs my back while I watch the last of my mush splattered on the stone floor. Stupid potion didn't do anything for my stomach after all. Can you vomit up a potion? "You're looking kind of pale."

"Just give me ten minutes in a tanning bed and I'll be fine," I reply weakly as I stand up. Man, Elena must've put more of a beating on me than I thought.

He gives me a weird look and I see that Fujin's one eye has gotten insanely large. What's the big deal? All I said was that… Crap, I mentioned something that doesn't exist on Gaia. Wonderfulness. I don't even use tanning beds. Stupid cancer in a box. Might as well be cigarettes for the whole body instead of just the lungs. I wonder if that redheaded girl who kept cussing at me in the inn smokes. She seemed like someone going through nicotine withdrawal. What am I talking about? This is the Middle Ages, Rick. There aren't any cigarettes. Everyone is still using pipes. Although, I don't recall seeing any of them. Maybe I've found a world where tobacco doesn't exist! Man, wouldn't cancer survivors love that?

Nobody says anything, so we just continue on our way. (At Freya's urging, of course. She really has a one-track mind. Geez, this whole "my people are being slaughtered thing" is really starting to lose its lustre.)

There is a battle with that Lamia thing. You know, that big ugly monster that has a flute and tiara named after it. Anyway, it doesn't last too long because Fujin and Freya make pretty fast work of it. Then comes all of that bell goodness. Zidane splits the team in half (why does he think he's the leader, anyway? Stupid Zidane), with Fujin, Raijin, and myself making up one while the fab four that is Zidane, Vivi, Freya, and Quina is the other. And if you actually believe that they're fabulous, I'm going to hunt you down and smack you. Yes, I was enamoured with Freya and looked forward to meeting her most when I realized that I was actually living in the world of FFIX (something I am heavily reconsidering, what with the fact that half of the people travelling in this Grotto aren't supposed to be here). Meeting her was a bit of a disappointment. Aside from the whole her hating me thing, all we really had to do with each other was eating. She didn't say a word to me until after we all woke up in the dining hall.

Fujin, Raijin, and I go after the one that the Burmecian soldier has, the one on the bridge. She jumps onto the bridge by herself, while Raijin grabs me and jumps up after her. They're really strong. How they lost to Zidane and Freya is beyond me. Either one could easily take out the rat lady who hates me.

When we get up there, there's one of those zombie things skulking around. I'm not talking the fun George Romero types, either. That would just be another type of freaky.

"STAY!" Fujin orders as she and Raijin run at it, weapons drawn. I am not a dog. Why was I even put on this team anyway? There are only two fighters, whilst the other one has three and Quina. If you're stupid enough to call Quina a fighter, then you've obviously never seen him/her lick a stone covered with blood. Gross.

She hacks away at it with her chakram while Raijin beats it to the ground with his battle staff. I seriously have to wonder what is going through Fujin's mind right now. Things aren't even the way they were supposed to be in the "real" world. Didn't Raijin say Fujin wasn't going to compete in the Hunt? Why did she come in second place? She can clearly outfight Freya. Unless she wanted to get near me without drawing too much attention to herself. They were announcing the scores throughout the whole thing, after all. Still haven't figured out how they tallied them, anyway.

The monster dies with a horrible squeal that wouldn't be uncommon in a theatre full of people watching a Paris Hilton movie. I'd scream like that if I had to endure more than three minutes of that skank.

"That was too easy, ya know," Raijin says unnecessarily as he waves me over to join them. They're cleaning off their weapons, which have some sort of bodily fluid on them that definitely isn't blood. Eww. "I hope that mark we have in Ascantha is a little more fun."

He gets an angry look from Fujin before she kicks him in the shin. Poor guy.

"MOVE!" she commands us as she points to where the injured Burmecian soldier is breathing rather heavily. He is holding his chest with his right hand while cradling his left appendage with his knees. Curse Elena! Why did she have to get involved in Brahne and Kuja's plans? Oh, right, because she's an evil blonde.

"Are you okay?" I ask him as I kneel next to the dying… man? Rat? I'll just go with person. Even in times of death we need to be politically correct. The only time we liberals can veer off course is in reference to a celebrity or a member of the Bush Administration. I often do both. As you should know by now.

"You don't look so good, ya know." Raijin is then kicked again by Fujin, who refers to him as a MORON (sorry, I couldn't help it) while he howls in pain. The soldier just looks at us. He's probably wondering why his last minutes have to be with an angel and his two stupid sidekicks.

"I'm not… going to make it. Please… use this," he gasps. With the last of his strength, the Burmecian reaches into his uniform and produces the bell. The pained look on his face rips me apart. It effects Raijin, too, because he isn't saying something stupid. He holds it out to me before losing consciousness. I catch the glass bell before it hits the floor and look up at my companions. Raijin looks about as sad as I feel. Fujin is back to her robotic self. Is this the real Fujin? Or was it the one from last night? I can't help but wonder.

Turning our backs on the body (there's really nothing we can do with it), Raijin scoops me up in his arms and jumps back onto the floor below. The impact makes me feel the urge to vomit again, and I do so on Raijin's shoes. Rather than getting mad and yelling, like I would have, he just rubs my back and tells me to let it all out. Ya know. (Again, sorry.) Why am I vomiting, anyway? Funerals never made me this sick. Unless it has something to do with actually being with the person when they die.

"Princess?" Zidane asks when we catch up to them at that big bell in the middle of the room. "You don't look so good."

Why isn't Fujin kicking Zidane for his moronic statement? I would do it, but I'm currently not able to stand on my own. Having two people die (or at least, one person actually dying and the other just making me think she died for a few moments) today must have sapped me physically as well as emotionally.

"He must be ill. Probably just poisoned by one of the monsters. Give him an antidote and lets move on," Freya orders with no actual concern. Why does she hate me? Why? As if I really care. Stupid rat lady.

A bottle of purple liquid is thrown and hits me in the face. Ow. I'm very seriously considering letting the MCoDs having their way with Freya. Yelling at me, insulting me, and throwing things at me… I'm starting to feel like I'm back in high school. Maybe it's a good thing I'm not in FFVIII after all. Stupid Garden with its stupid school-ness.

Grumbling random death threats, I have Raijin (who is still holding me up) help me lean down and retrieve the bottle. My vision gets a little fuzzy as I fumble for the container. Someone takes pity and hands it to me. If the wide brown spot is any indication, I think it's Vivi. Bless him and his oversized hat.

I chug it down rather quickly. Remember how much I love drinking potions? Well, this isn't nearly the same. This actually tastes like medicine, so it takes everything I have to keep from spitting it out. Gross.

There isn't a feeling of immediately getting better. In fact, I actually feel like I'm getting worse. The light (what little there is, anyway) is fading in and out. I vomit again, and after the splashing sound, I hear the voices of my friends (and Freya) gagging. I don't know why, but I have a feeling that Quina is involved…

"You again?"

I look up and see that girl from before. The one from my weird post-beating dream. She's holding a couple of daggers. There's a guy next to her with… a fan. That is so cool! I wish I had a fan. Something tells me that walking through the desert on the Forgotten Continent (that's the one with Eiko, right? Evil brat) is going to get hot. I'm going to need a way to cool myself down. Plus, imagine all of the cool Southern Belle scenarios I could re-enact.

"I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!"

The guy with the fans smacks me upside the head with it. "How do you know this guy?"

Again, OW! Why do I keep getting hit today?

"He was asleep in the streets of Lindblum. He was also kind of drunk at the time."

"I'm right here," I say in response to the completely unfair accusations regarding my drunkenness. "You look different. Cameron, was it?"

She smacks me upside the head with the back of her hand. Why must the people I associate with in my dreams be as violent as the ones I have to live with when I'm awake? "It's Cami."

"Whatever," I respond as I look at our surroundings. We're not in Gizamaluke Grotto, but it's not Lindblum either. It's a thick wooded area, and there's no sunlight breaking through. We can only see each other because the guy with the fan, who still hasn't given me his name, is holding a lit torch. I step closer into the light and look at my nails again. Wah! My Venomously Violet polish is gone! Stupid Zidane pushing me into scummy water that probably ate it away.

"Who are you, though?" fan guy questions as he waves his fan at me in a threatening manner. I wouldn't be worried if it weren't for the fact that I know the thing actually does hurt.

"I'm Rick. Not Richard. Call me Ricky and die." Hopefully these guys will take my warning far better than Steiner. He's never called me Ricky… He still needs to die, though.

"Gotcha, Ricky," the guy laughs. I can feel the vein in my forehead throbbing. My name is NOT Ricky. "I'm Kaoru."

We all stand and stare at each other, trying to figure out just what the heck is going on. Can I just say that I have weird dreams?

"You're not from around here, are you?" Cami asks. "I can tell because you're not wearing any type of armour, and this is a pretty dangerous place. And what happened to that cute black shirt of yours? This one stinks. Did you take a bath in a sewer?"

I want to scratch her face so badly. This shirt is cute, too! My sexy painter guy (who I'm currently in limbo over) gave it to me. I can't help it if my friends aren't as mature as me and this pushing me into swamp water is funny.

"Oh yeah? Well you look like a skanky version of Doris Day, except you're not blonde."

They look at each other. "Doris Day? Who the heck is that?"

Wonderful. My subconscious stuck me with people who have never seen Pillow Talk.

Kaoru smacks me with the fan again. "Don't be stupid."

Then my head starts to feel all floaty. Cami pokes Kaoru in the side and points at my arm. "See, it's happening again. Like I told you."

Following their glances, I see that my yellow Materia is all lit up again. My head hurt last time this happened. Why isn't it doing that now? Maybe that had to do more with being injured beforehand. Stupid Steiner.

My vision gets all cloudy again and the world gets dark.

When the light comes back, I'm lying in a bed. There's soft sunlight falling onto my face, which is pleasantly warm. I sit up, but the effort takes all of my strength so all I really end up doing is lying higher on the pillows.

There's someone sitting on my bed. She has long brown hair that falls around her shoulders. There's a plait in her hair with a yellow Materia (which makes me suspicious). The most curious thing of all is that she's in a white dress. She looks incredibly familiar. And I don't just mean in the way that those two idiots from my dream did.

"Good morning, Rick," she says with a voice like a whisper. "I'm glad to see that you're getting better. Cl… The king was incredibly worried about you."

Huh? Where am I? Where are my friends? Someone tell me what the heck is going on.

"I know you're probably wondering about your travelling companions. Well, they're out on that hunt they came here for. They should be back in a couple of shortly. A couple of days at the latest. You should be fine, my son."

Son? Where the heck am I? Who is this woman? Is she the one that left me my Materia? That would explain why she has one.

"I'm sure you have plenty of questions. I'll answer them while I can…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The character of Cami belongs to my friend "Tabansi232" over on FFnet, and Kaoru is the creation of "Animesage" on that same site. While neither character is super important to this story, the meetings that Rick has with them do end up being vital in a later storyarc. When I get around to editing and uploading it here, that is. :P


	18. Chapter 18

Okay, let's recap briefly. Somehow, I'm in FFIX, but it's not the one that I've played. There could be an angry and (definitely not naturally) blonde Turk running around with a serious grudge against me, unless her body disappeared in a style very reminiscent of Resident Evil. I'm dreaming of people that I don't know and haven't seen before despite the fact that somehow or other I have the feeling that I (should) know them. Now I also have to deal with the mysterious woman in the white dress that addressed me as "son." What could very well be the most unbelievable thing is that I, Rick, actually have a hot and sexy beast of man who is probably twice my age.

It's been an interesting ride.

"Who the heck are you?" I ask the woman. Those eyes of hers look so familiar: like I've seen them up close or something. "Where am I?"

"You're in Ascantha." That place from DQVIII with the king with the dead wife? The place Minister Croft said we should visit when we got out of Gizamaluke Grotto? That must mean I missed the fight with the big bad boss guy in the grotto, but I'm not going to Burmecia, either. Well, that just means that Beatrix won't be beating the crap out of me. Freya got her way, though, and that's kinda annoying. "Your friends, Raijin and Fujin, they came with you. I must say that I'm quite surprised to have found you in the company of another Drifter."

"Drifter?" Is she talking about the fact that Raijin and Fujin don't have any loyalties to any particular kingdom? Or does she mean… This couldn't be that woman in a white dress.

"I know all about you and Fujin. I'm the one that brought you into this world. Still, you're home because of me," she answers. It's not much of an answer; this doesn't make sense. I'm not at home. I'm in Ascantha. My home is back on Earth. "The thing is, you were born in this castle, on this planet. Yes, you were raised on Earth, but this is your home world."

"Um, what the heck are you talking about? How do you know I'm from another world? How do you know about Earth? Just who the heck are you?" I say as loudly as I can without having to shout. I don't really need anyone else walking in just now. Especially not Raijin. She takes a hold of my wrist and removes the Vanguard.

"You almost died because of this," she says in an obvious attempt to avoid answering my question. "They brought in the top White Mage in the kingdom to heal you. You were unconscious for three days. You're only alive because the king” (she sighs sadly at this before selling sea shells by the sea shore. Sorry…) “decided to use the last of his elixir on you. It was supposed to save my life, but…"

Am I sitting here with a ghost? What the heck is going on? Playing the clueless moron is really starting to get old. It's official, I've gone crazy. Loco. Nuts. Sinead O'Connor.

"Anyway, Rick, my child. You may not remember me. I don't have any memories of you myself, but do you have any of me at all? Running around the castle in diapers, playing with the servants children while your father and I entertained nobles, or even my funeral?"

Images of my younger self in my backyard at home with the neighbour children flash through my mind. Then the trees and grass fade away, replaced by tapestries and cold grey stone. The faces of my childhood friends disappear and I see a little girl with red hair hitting a little boy with grey hair. I don't think they're latent memories: they're just a figment of what could've been. Despite this, I don't say anything. It's just my mind trying to cope with the expectations that she has for me.

"I wouldn't expect you to. I can't even remember it myself, since I wasn't here for any of that. But what about this? Do you remember a woman being impaled on the sword of a warrior named Sephiroth?"

"Aerith?" I'm not sure if I should say that or Aeris. Stupid mistranslations.

"The one and only," she answers sadly. She tries to smile, but can't quite pull it off. "I'm not surprised you know of me. I knew who you are, after all. You're Rick. You were a supporting character on a TV show back in my… I mean, the world I was prior to this one. This is my world, our world, now."

What is she going on about? Is she saying that I was born on Gaia, but somehow or other grew up on Earth? That cannot be true. That can't be true. I'm not some videogame character. I'm not! My home is in a hellhole, with my idiotic and perverted brother, my parents who fight with me over my clothes and doing chores, my sister and her two kids. Then there's my baby: my poor little dog with the bladder problems. Right now, someone else is holding her, hugging and comforting her after my parents yelled at her for watering the plastic plants. No. This isn't happening. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't care about Zidane, Michael, or any of this stuff. I want to go home! I want my boring life with my redneck family, and for all of this to just be a dream. No. No. No. No. No. No.

"I know it hurts," she says when the first tears start to trickle down my face. She reaches out, but doesn't touch me. "When I first came here, I was alone, too. I missed my mother, and my friends. Even Tseng. It hurts, but you'll get over it."

"Nobody brought you here!" I accuse with a pointed finger. "You just showed up because you died or something. There was no reason to involve me and the others. Do you even know how many lives you've wrecked with your thoughtlessness? Hermione is trying to find a way back to Hogwarts. Fujin's been here for three years. Three years! What gives you the right to decide whether or not we should be 'returned' to Gaia. We were all happy back home. Happy!"

She looks a little hurt, but it also looks as if she'd been expecting my outburst. At least it hurt.

"Are you really sure you were happy, Rick? Didn't you feel like you didn't belong? Have you felt that way here? Haven't the people of this world accepted your differences as minor quirks? I brought you here because it would've been irresponsible to do otherwise. Isn't it better for people to know what's going on? You're supposed to tell your best friend that her husband is cheating on her. Aren't you? And shouldn't your neighbour know that her kids are huffing paint in the garage?

"I didn't do this to hurt you. It's unknown how much stress was placed on the worlds for anomalies like us to exist. That's why you're here. That's why you're home, to keep something worse from happening. You don't even know the pain I've had to endure. The Aerith that lived this life is dead. I'm supposed to be dead. There wasn't anyone that I could confide in, because they weren't supposed to know that, somehow or other, I am alive. I went to one friend, and he thought I was a ghost! Yes, Fujin has been here for three years. But she has Raijin. It may not be the Raijin that she knew, but she still has him. You have Zidane and the others. Hermione has Lilka. Hotaru…"

She stops at that name. I want to ask her about it, but something in my head tells me not to. Then she tells me anyway.

"Hotaru was the first person I brought here. He was living in a world where people were being systematically wiped out by other people over genetic anomalies, and he possessed one. When he came to Gaia, he felt free to be away from that oppression. After travelling around with me for a few months, we were in Gizamaluke Grotto. There's a little alcove behind a door with a bell on it. A little ladder of vines led out of it. It was late and he wanted to sleep under the stars, something he'd never been able to do in his old life. We climbed it and…"

Again she trails off. She doesn't have to tell me what happened. I've played this game, and I know what's up those vines.

"How long ago was that?" I ask her. Fujin's been here for three years, and she wasn't even the first person that Aerith has brought here.

"About six years. I've only brought three people here after that. You, Fujin, and Hermione. There's something about this world that makes it easier for people to travel between other worlds. I don't know what causes it initially, but this," she removes the plate form her hair and touches the yellow Materia on it. "This is Sense Materia. It is incredibly rare on Gaia. For most people, it's useless. For Drifters, like us, it acts as an anchor to keep us in this world. The Rick that lived your life here, I sent him home by having him just touch it."

So that was the shock I felt when I touched the doorknob back at my, at his house? This is all making a sick kind of sense. On the one hand, she is right. I have a life here that I never could've lived back home. There's Michael. I can have a relationship without social stigma. I have friends like Alma and Vivi. Then there's Zidane. It never seemed possible for me to like him as much as I do now, not when I thought this was all just a videogame. However, on the other, I can't help but think about what I've left behind. My family, while always stabbing each other in the back and red-necking it up, would defend me from even the most vicious of outsiders. I'll never again see my nieces: the four-year-old that says she wants to grow up to be me, or the two-year-old who was just starting to learn about the world around her. And my poor baby. That probably hurts the most. I'll never again see my little pooch. We've been together since she was six weeks old and I was three. She was my best friend on the days I felt I didn't have any. Who cares if she peed all over my pink T-shirt that read "Your Boyfriend Thinks I'm Sexy"?

"Would it hurt for me to go back to my old life? The one that I never really was a part of?" I ask despite knowing the answer.

"It doesn't work that way," Aerith answers as she puts her plait back in her hair. "It's incredibly difficult to travel between the worlds. There are millions upon millions of them. They're not all aligned in a straight line, and they're not completely separated from each other, either. Each world overlaps hundreds, maybe even thousands of others. They can't be separated, otherwise we'd never know anything about them. Every movie, TV show, book, or , yes, even videogame is a complete world in its own right. I know you think this is the world that is known as Final Fantasy X where you grew up."

"It's Final Fantasy IX, actually," I correct to a dirty look. What? I can't correct her?

"Anyway, you think this is that videogame. It is, but at the same time, it isn't. This world overlaps that one rather heavily, but it also is in direct contact with dozens of others. Haven't things seemed out of place to you? People that shouldn't be here? Events that shouldn't have happened? That's because this isn't that world."

For some reason, I'm reminded of my dream from right after Steiner knocked me out in Lindblum Castle. Everything looked right, but it was wrong at the same time. Could all of this mumbo jumbo about me being from this world be why that Lindblum seemed so… inappropriate? But why did that Cami girl, and even her friend Kaoru, seem so familiar? Are they Drifters as well? People who aren't in the world they should be? Do they belong in this world, or another world entirely that I don't even know about? And every time "dreamt" about her, it was suddenly interrupted by my Sense Materia glowing and me waking up back here. Was I not dreaming at all? Could it be possible that somehow or other, Aerith is right about this little yellow stone? That it is anchoring me here? Now it seems quite likely that I wasn't dreaming at all and that I actually was in another world. That doesn't explain why I seemed to know them despite the fact that we never met.

This is all so complicated. Why couldn't this just be a case of my PlayStation thought I was unhappy in life and decided to bring into a videogame to cheer me up, and the only way to get back home was to play it all the way through? That seems so much simpler.

"Rick, are you okay?" Aerith asks as she takes my hand. "I know that this is a lot to absorb all at once, but there is more. In fact, you're the first of the other Drifters I've even made contact with like this. Hermione and Fujin received their Materia much in the same you did. I just couldn't keep the distance from you that I could them because…"

I really wish she would stop with the dramatic pauses.

"Rick. I was the Queen of Ascantha in this world. And you? You were my son. Apparently, your father and I raised you until you were seven and I got sick. Your father went off in search of the legendary elixir to save my life, but while he was gone I died. It's been ten years since the Aerith that raised you died, and it's been ten years since I've been in this world.

"Who… who is my father?" I ask despite the fact that I think I already know. Minister Croft had a friend who thought he recognized me from the ball. She asked me if I'd ever been to Ascantha. At the ball, I saw here dancing with a man with spiky blonde hair.

"Rick, your father is Cloud Strife. You're in Ascantha right now, recovering from a serious illness, saved only by the elixir that was supposed to help me. I think he's hoping it wasn't you. But it is, and when you see him, don't say anything about me. He's moved on. He's remarried to her."

When she says that one word, I know who it is. It isn't sad maliciously, or even regretfully. It's just as thought it were a fact that nobody should be surprised by. I know I'm not.

"He married Tifa, didn't he?"

"Yes. He married her when you were eleven. I'd been dead for four years. He'd done his grieving and decided that you needed a proper mother. You guys were happy. I would watch the public events from the streets. That's how I saw you grow up. My son."

At this she caresses my cheek in a motherly way and I want to cry again. This has been so unfair to everybody. I'm being unfair to Aerith. All of our lives have been torn apart by it, and all she wanted to do was try to fix things.

"When the other Rick, the Rick that wasn't meant to be here saw you… how did he react?" I ask curiously, despite the fact that I'm aware it's none of my business. "It isn't everyday that someone runs into his dead mother."

She looks guilty at this. "Despite the fact that I wasn't here for him, or you, I still couldn't face him. I sneaked up on him during his nightly rounds at Alexandria Castle and tapped the back of his neck with my Materia. That's why you woke up here when you did."

"So the fact that it was at the beginning of what the game is…"

"A complete coincidence," she admits with a smile.

A lot of my questions have been answered, but there's still one thing bugging me. They couldn't have known I was a prince in Alexandria, because there's no way that Steiner would've treated me like this if they had. (I'd love to see his face when he finds out that my "whore of a mother" is actually the late queen of Ascantha).

I ask Aerith about this, but she looks just as perplexed as I feel.

"I couldn't tell you. I was off working on Fujin when you ran away three years ago. Nobody has been allowed to talk about you in Ascantha, and I didn't exactly have the courage to ask the Rick that actually did the running away. Cloud hasn't even seen you yet, from what I know. All they will say is that someone resembling the missing prince was brought into the castle unconscious. He must not want to get his hopes up."

So, instead of my loving but redneck parents, I have an emotionally distant blond for a father and a woman famous for her big boobs for a stepmother. I mean, come on. I watched Advent Children. I saw the nipples in Tifa's outfit after the fight scene in the church. You do have to give me some credit.

Are my new parents going to accept the new me, though? Are my old parents happier with the change of Rick? They probably just think it's a positive change in attitude, when he's really feeling even more lost than I do now. At least now there's a chance that my mom, my old mom, will have someone to do the dishes. I should've done the dishes for her one last time before leaving forever. My last memories will be of her yelling at me because I was too lazy to get off my butt and wash some pots and pans.

I really miss my life on Earth. Knowing that I'll never be able to go back doesn't make things seem like as much fun as they had.

Thanks to Aerith, my… mother? I'm here for good it seems. There isn't any going back. I really will never again see my friends or family. Or have to step in random puddles of dog pee. I'll think I'll miss my little urine machine the most. What with us having grown up together and all.

"I have to go," she says suddenly, perking up. "Someone's coming."

Before I can say another word, she plants a kiss on my head and jumps out of my window. Please let me be on the first floor. I'd hate to have my, erm, mother splattered across the front lawn. Will ever get used to the idea of Aerith as my mother? More importantly, do castles have front lawns? It would suck if they did. Could you imagine the landscaping bill?

"Are you awake?" a meek voice asks with a knock on an opening door. I don't know why the person entering bothered to knock if they were planning on coming in anyway. Must be one of those polite things I've heard so much about.

"Yeah," I manage to croak as I attempt to wipe away any signs that I had been crying. There's time to ruminate on my ruined life later. Actually, no, I don't want to think about it. I just want to go back to the way things were before. I want some fun to keep my mind off the fact that I'm in a videogame. No, not a videogame, but a whole other world that I don't know anything about anymore. All this and my nails really have been ruined. Stupid Zidane is going to pay my next manicure bill.

In pops a redhead with a body one could only describe as Va-Va-Voom. On top of all the crap I just dumped on my shoulders, I now have to deal with Jessica from DQVIII. The last thing I need is a violent redhead with a smart mouth.

"Rick?" she asks quietly as she beside me on the bed. "Is it really you, Rick?"

What do I say? Should I lie or tell the truth? Aerith really should've given me some pointers before jumping out of the frickin' window.

"Yeah," I answer as I look her in the eyes. I'm so tired of lying about absolutely everything. "It's me."

She smiles and her eyes light up momentarily. Then she roughly smacks me upside the head. "You idiot! Why did you run away? Angelo and I were worried sick about you! Not mention your poor father and mother."

She continues to mercilessly pummel me, offering only enough time between blows for me to yelp from the pain. I really am getting tired of people beating me up, too.

After a few minutes, she lets up and wipes the sweat from her brow. Then tears form in the corners of her eyes and she pulls me into a hug. I would hug her back, but seeing as how she just beat the crap out of me I'm not exactly in the mood for it. Oh, and my arms are too sore to be lifted that high.

"You have no idea how much we missed you," she says as she squeezes me so tightly that it's painful. I honestly couldn't tell you if that was intentional or not. "Are you feeling okay? Does anything hurt?"

She seriously did not ask me that.

Jessica holds her hands out and cast a Cura spell on me. I guess Heal isn't exactly an option in a Final Fantasy-esque world. Goodie.

"Your dad wants to see you. He wants to make sure that the rumours are actually true. He couldn't bring himself to see you in case you weren't, you know, you." Girlfriend, you have no idea.

"Could you help me up?" I ask her. I mean, all of the pain from the illness and subsequent beating is gone, but I am still a little tired.

I get slapped upside the head again, but just once. Someone's exercising self-control, I see. "You run off without a word, and then you ask me for help. I don't care if you are a freaking prince. You really hurt me, and Angelo's been a wreck. He's been in the Alley ever since you left."

Mood swings? Excuse my terrible male thinking, but I think someone may have PMS. Unless this Rick really was that big of a jerk. Hah! At least he's getting his karma. Let's see just how well he deals with the football after team after learning of my "reputation." That'll make Jessica's beating seem like, well, Jessica's beating is actually worse than any the football team gave me. Besides, that Rick was also a knight. He could probably fight back. Stupid other Rick person.

Despite her initial protest, Jessica helps me up. Then I catch sight of myself in a nearby mirror and almost fall back to the floor. Almost. This isn't Lindblum, after all. Or Dali. Or the Ice Cavern.

I am wearing the most wretched outfit I have ever seen. The shirt is white and puffy like a pirate, with a mauve vest over it. Then there's the pants, which are even puffier than the shirt, if you'll believe it. Plus, they're red! Red does NOT go with mauve. I want to stop and kill myself already, but things are even worse. I'm wearing wooden shoes with the toes turned up. Like a genie's. I feel like I should be running around with Aladdin. Someone please shoot me. Please, I'm begging you. I would rather be going through all of the "you're my son and those redneck morons aren't really related to you" Aerith crap again. At least there isn't a hat with a feather. But, somehow, I do still have that big blue spot on the side of my head. Doesn't it figure that falling TWICE into a marsh that eats away fingernail polish and (presumably) being cleaned by the royal cleaning people will not remove oil-based paint from the side of my head? At least I don't have acne. How, I don't know. You'd have thought I'd be looking like a road full of potholes, what with all of the blood and gore I've had thrown all over my face. Maybe I'm just lucky like that. Or it's fate's way of making up for the clothes. Oh, how I loathe these clothes.

"Let's go," Jessica orders as she grabs me by the ear and then proceeds to drag me out of the room. She doesn't even stop to let me stretch. It's just either keeping up with her or extreme pain. And seeing as how I'm still exhausted…

Yeah, lot's of pain. I'm almost screaming as loudly as this shirt.

We end up in what is supposed to be the throne room, I guess. There are the two big thrones present in all of their royal splendour, with Cloud and Tifa sitting in them with hands clasped together. Actually, it looks more like she's holding him than a mutual thing. Marital problems? Somehow, I imagine that if there are any, they're probably my fault. Stupid world travelling. You'd think being a Drifter might be more fun than this. I guess some people might think that standing in front of Cloud Strife and Tifa Lockhart (at least, I don't she took his name) and learning that they're your parents might be fun. Heck, I probably would have once upon a time. Doing it now, though, it isn't nearly as much fun as people would think it should be. Having to look them in the eyes and answer for someone else's decisions isn't fun. Especially when you don't know what their decisions were or the motives behind them.

I really hate these clothes.

"Rick, is it really you?" Tifa asks hopefully. "Are you really my son?"

Stepson, actually, but I'm not going to tell her that. Cloud's Buster Sword is hanging up on the wall behind them, and I really don't want that sticking out of my chest. Pain hurts.

"Jessica, you are dismissed." Cloud waves his hand over our heads and the violent redhead leaves the room, closing the big wooden doors behind her. I look away from the doors and back to Cloud and Tifa, only to find myself caught up in another hug. (With no accompanying punches, thank you very much.)

Tifa continues to hold onto me, and I can hear her sobs in my ear. She must have really cared for me. Well, for the other Rick. All I know is that it really feels good to be held as though you're the most important thing in the world. I haven't been held like that since the morning I woke up in Michael's arms. Or that afternoon we went to Dali, when Zidane caught me just before I fell off the cliff.

"You are my son." It's not a question. Cloud can tell who I am, despite the fact that I'm not really who he thinks I am, even though I am. Now someone explain to me just what that last sentence meant, because I don't understand it myself.

"Um, hi, Daddy. Did you miss me?"

**Author's Note:**

> This is a re-upload of an older story with some minor tweeks, mostly in pacing and grammar. I'll be taking my time with it, so if you wanna read the original hit up FFnet.


End file.
